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The Haunted Mansion (2003) Poster

Quotes

Madame Leota: What are you doing?

Jim: Hey, you leave me alone. Just get out of here and leave me alone.

Madame Leota: Oh, I see. You're just going to sit there, feeling sorry for yourself.

Jim: Tell me why not. This whole thing was my fault. We should've never been here in the first place. Supposed to be at the lake. We'd be sitting by a warm fire right now. And I made us come here. And now it's too late.

Madame Leota: No. It's never too late.

Jim: Hey, look, I tried to get in there, and I can't, all right? I tried! I failed!

Madame Leota: You try. You fail. You try. You fail. But the only true failure is when you stop trying.

Jim: What do you want me to do? Huh?

Madame Leota: Try again.

[Cut to Jim, behind the wheel of his car, preparing to plough it through the Mansion window]

Madame Leota: Dark spirits from the grave come forth. Lift us from the black. And show us, show us the way back.

Jim: Dark spirits? Hey, no dark spirits! Don't you make no dark spirits come out!

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Jim: Hey, honey, you know they have dead people in the backyard.

Sara Evers: Well, some people have swimming pools, others have private cemeteries. It can happen.

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[about to go over a steep hill]

Jim: Hold on!

Madame Leota: With what?

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[Jim, Megan and Michael, are in the carriage riding past all the ghosts in the graveyard]

Michael: Dad?

Jim: Yeah, son?

Michael: I see dead people.

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[last lines]

Madame Leota: Angels in Heaven, together at last. The tale is well ended for those who have passed. Love endures all, no reason, no rhyme. It lasts forever and forever all the time.

Megan: Mom, Leota won't shut up.

Michael: Are we there yet?

Megan: I'm getting pretty hungry.

Michael: Can we stop for some pizza?

Jim: Hey, how long before we get there, Sara?

Sara Evers: Twenty minutes, tops.

Jim: Nothing takes twenty minutes.

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Jim: I gotta help my wife. She'll be...

Singing Busts: [singing] Comin' round the mountain when she comes...

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Michael: [of the spider] I don't wanna whack it, Dad!

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Ramsley: Damn you. Damn you all to Hell!

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[Emma is carrying a lot of cases for the trip to heaven]

Ezra: [indicating the cases] What's all this?

Emma: Well, I don't know what we'll need.

Ezra: What are you talking about? We're going to heaven. You can't take it with you.

Emma: The hell I can't!

[starts giggling]

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Jim: Wait a minute. You're telling me this guy is dead, and the only reason we were brought here is he wants to get jiggy with my wife.

Ezra: Pretty much. Are you upset?

Jim: The guy is dead, and he's trying to get with my wife. And the house isn't really for sale. Yes, I'm upset.

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Jim: The butler did it? You got to be kidding me.

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Master Gracey: But I loved her. Was love my mistake?

Ramsley: Yes!

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Master Gracey: Tell me, Mr. Evers. Do you believe in ghosts?

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[during the sham wedding ceremony]

Master Gracey: [extending his hand to Sara] Elizabeth?

[Sara glances at Ramsley, remembers he is holding Michael and Megan captive, and plays her part]

Sara Evers: [takes Gracey's hand] Yes, my love.

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[Sara has denied her identity as Elizabeth]

Master Gracey: [On the verge of tears] She doesn't remember! It can't be her!

Ramsley: It is her, sir. The gypsy woman prophesized her return and now the time has come. You'd had best get ready.

Master Gracey: But she doesn't remember!

Ramsley: In time she will, sir. I assure you, she will.

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[Emma and Ezra has discovered the children in the attic]

Emma: Are you kids hungry? Does anybody want a cookie?

Ezra: Cookies? Don't offer them cookies. They're trespassers. Trespassers don't get cookies. This is none of their concern.

Emma: [angrily] It is their concern. They're involved.

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[during the wedding service]

Ramsley: If anyone has any objections...

[Jim bursts in]

Jim: Yeah, I got a few objections!

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[Jim has braved zombies to get a key that Leota said would solve everything]

Jim: Alright, I got the key. Now what?

Madame Leota: Now you must find the trunk.

Jim: Trunk?

Madame Leota: Yes, trunk.

Jim: Not door?

Madame Leota: No, not door. Trunk.

Jim: All you said I had to do was find this key. I got the key, and now you're telling me something about a trunk. "The key is the answer to all" remember?

Madame Leota: Look, I don't make the rules OK? I just work here.

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Master Gracey: I'm warning you, sir.

[pulls out his sword]

Master Gracey: Step away.

Jim: Man, don't think just because you pull out your sword I'm going to let you marry my wife.

Master Gracey: My patience is wearing thin.

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[repeated line]

Sara Evers: I am not Elizabeth.

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Madame Leota: Evil and darkness have fallen this night. But now, to survive, you must gain new sight.

Jim: I must first gain new underwear.

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[to Master Gracey,who is about to strike Jim with his sword]

Jim: Hey. You wanna kill me, kill me. But listen, when I come on the other side, I'm gonna just be whipping your ass for all eternity.

[pulls out Elizabeth's real letter]

Jim: So maybe you should read this before you stab somebody.

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Leota: Find the thing that must be read, lest your heart be filled with dread...

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Jim: Bob Vila would have a field day with this place.

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Jim: Where's that scary albino when you need him?

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Master Gracey: You have very beautiful children, Ms. Evers.

Jim: I kicked in some chromosomes too.

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Ramsley: Tears of joy.

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Jim: Well, great, I'm in, let's get this key!

Megan: There's only one problem: how do we get out of here?

Jim: Yeah, how do we get out of here?

Ezra: Well, there's always, uh... my way.

[cut to ghostly horse-drawn carriage crashing through the wall of the Mansion]

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Ramsley: There are worse things than purgatory, madame. I can assure you.

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Emma: [grabbing the reins from Ezra] Move over.

Ezra: What are you doing?

Emma: If you keep driving, you'll kill us all.

Ezra: Well that's where you're wrong, because some of us are already dead. Ha-ha!

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[while looking at a magazine in Michael's room]

Jim: Hey, this is my Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. What are you doing with it?

Michael: [shrugs] I don't know.

Jim: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sure.

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[Michael runs out of his bedroom screaming]

Michael: There's a spider in my room!

Jim: There's a what?

Michael: There's a spider in my room! He's on the window!

Jim: Well, why don't you kill it, man?

[pause]

Michael: That's a big spider!

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[Jim sees the Hitchhiking Ghosts peering into the carriage]

Jim: Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

Hitchhiking Ghost: Can they see us?

Hitchhiking Ghost: No, of course not!

Jim: Yes, I can see you. I'm looking at you right now in your stupid hat!

Hitchhiking Ghost: Don't listen to him! He's lying!

Jim: OK whatever. C'mon kids.

Hitchhiking Ghost: I could swear he was looking right at me.

Hitchhiking Ghost: He's psychic.

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Megan: [about the inside of Gracey Manor] Smells like Grandma's house.

Michael: Worse, it smells like Grandma.

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Megan: They're ghosts, Dad.

Jim: They're not ghosts. We're just having hallucinations from that dinner that we ate. It was that chicken, it didn't taste right.

[insulted, Emma turns into mist and re-appears right in front of Jim]

Emma: Hey!

Jim: Whoa!

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[Jim, ignoring the ghosts, just wants to get out of the house]

Megan: But Dad, we have to help them!

Jim: You can't help the dead, honey. They're beyond help. That's the nature of being dead.

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[Gracey and Sara enter the ballroom]

Master Gracey: This house has waited so long to have its shrouds of darkness lifted. And tonight, for the first time in... oh, so many years, I believe it may be possible that the story would finally end differently. Sara, do you believe that love is above second chances? About forgivenes?

Sara Evers: Yes, I do.

Master Gracey: [confused] Don't you remember?

Sara Evers: Remember? Mr. Gracey, are you all right?

Master Gracey: Don't you recognize me at all?

Sara Evers: [confused] Mr.Gracey...

Master Gracey: I thought certainly, bringing you back to Gracey Manor would help you remember!

Sara Evers: Remember what, Mr. Gracey? You're scaring me!

[During the following line, ghostly masquerade dancers appear in the room and dance]

Master Gracey: [grabbing Sara's wrists] Where it happened! Where we spent our last moments together! Where we danced together for the last time before you... BEFORE YOU KILLED YOURSELF! But now you've returned to me and at long last, we can be together! Why do you not remember? You are my world, my life! And I have loved you in death as I did in life!

Sara Evers: [breaking free of Gracey's grip] Let me go!

[Runs out of the ballroom]

Master Gracey: WHY DO YOU NOT REMEMBER?

[while running, Sara encounters Gracey near the stairs and runs up them]

Master Gracey: You are her! You are Elizabeth! You must be!

[Sara encounters Gracey at the top of the stairs and runs to the left]

Master Gracey: Can you not sense it? Search your heart! I am your one true love! And now we can finally be together, don't you understand?

Master Gracey: [Sara runs down the hall with Gracey's voice behind her] Elizabeth, you must listen to me!

Sara Evers: I'm not Elizabeth!

Master Gracey: [materializing after Sara passes, on the verge of tears] Please! I implore you!

Sara Evers: Leave me alone! Get away from me!

[Slams bedroom door]

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[Master Gracey and Sara are in the attic. Gracey shows Sara Elizabeth's wedding dress]

Master Gracey: This was to have been her wedding dress.

Sara Evers: Oh, it's lovely!

Master Gracey: It would have been lovelier still if she'd ever had the chance to wear it. Now it serves only as a dark reminder of what could have been.

Sara Evers: To love someone so much and then to lose them so suddenly. I can't imagine how awful that must be.

Master Gracey: If you truly love someone, they never leave. They remain in your heart forever.

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Madame Leota: Whom do you seek?

Jim: I am seeking a way outta here.

Madame Leota: Then you must look within.

Jim: I don't wanna look within, I wanna look without! Are you deaf?

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Megan: [whacks spider] There. Ya happy?

Jim: No, I'm not happy! I'm trying to show Michael how important it is to whack your own spiders!

Megan: [walking away] Whatever.

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Ramsley: How wonderful. You're going to kill a ghost.

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[Ramsley has just revealed what really happened to Elisabeth]

Ramsley: The Master must never know. Edward and his love will be reunited and this curse will be broken.

Jim: That's not her, that's my wife!

Ramsley: And what she sees in you, I'll never know.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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