Dustin: Lil Bow Wow, you keep barkin', you and I are gonna take a one way walk into the woods.
[Dustin and Eric are having a serious conversation when someone farts]
Matt: Greetings from the interior...
Sweet Lou: I think I can taste that one...
[Another fart is let loose]
Matt: That wasn't me.
Bell Clerk: Sorry, that was me. Whoo! Can I have my underwear back?
[Guys take off in van]
Dustin: You know what, I remember Matt listening to your crap, and look where that got him. The guy is a complete stain.
Eric: That's where Matt deceives you.
Dustin: I don't think Matt deceives me.
Eric: Because in actuallity he really know's which end is up.
[Matt jumps off the roof of the house into the pool]
Dustin: [being hauled into the van to go on tour] I need to go back Eric; I need to get my special pillow.
Bell Clerk: [talking to pet squirrel] I don't care how skinny you get; I'm still gonna eat you.
Matt: It's the honeymoon suit.
[makes porn music sounds]
Matt: [Matt touches Dustin's nipple and Dustin punches him]
Eric: So there's only one bed and there's four guys.
[Matt and Dustin race to the bed where they start to pillow fight]
Dustin: This is my side. Get off me.
[Dustin pulls something from under the sheets]
Dustin: Ah! Man-ties!
[Dustin puts tighty-whities on Matt's head]
[matt pulls them off and throws them across the room while Dustin laughs histerically]
Matt: You did not just find those in that bed!
[Dustin is digging threw the garbage]
Little Kid: Whatch ya doin'?
Dustin: I dropped something and I'm looking for it.
Little Kid: I had chili chesse fries, lots of them, and a chocolate shake.
Dustin: Didn't your mom ever tell you not to talk to strangers?
[Little kid throws up on Dustin]
Dustin: I guess she didn't say anything about puking on them.
Little Kid: Ha!
[Dustin and Matt go on Jimmy's tour bus to put their demo tape on there]
Matt: I've been holdin' it for two days, dude. It's about to go downtown.
Dustin: That's a good idea; why don't you take a crap on his bus. He'd appcreciate that.
[Matt enters bathroom while Dustin changes tapes]
Dustin: [Matt starts to sing while he's pooping]
Dustin: Dude, let's go.
Matt: Whoa-ho! Dude, I might not get a piece of Jimmy Wilson, but he sure got a piece of me!
Dustin: Dude, that smells like hermit crap.
Dustin: So to recap, um, we smell like turds, we have no car, no Jimmy Wilson, and I'm broke. I guess you could call me stupid.
Matt: Hey Stupid.
Matt: [after seeing the hideous scar on Jimmy Wilson's bus guard] No.
Eric: Excuse me sir...
Scabby Security Guy: [turns around to reveal a nasty scab on his face]
[everyone screams, Matt grabs his own face]
Eric: Get it away
Scabby Security Guy: Yeah, what do you want?
Dustin: Excuse me sir we are just here to see Jimmy. Is he in the scar, the car, the bus is that where he is?
Scabby Security Guy: Thats a big no on Jimmy.
Dustin: Good, thank you.
Scabby Security Guy: [to Matt] What are you looking at pin-head.
Matt: I'm in a dry spell, man.
Dustin: To be in a dry spell you've have to had been in a wet spell.
Matt: I've had sex.
Dustin: Yeah, with a human, though.
Matt: Who's making up all these rules, man?
Dustin: Dammit! Why?
Matt: Dude, I didn't even know it was going.
Dustin: Okay, you know what? I just got peed on.
Matt: Sweet Lou, my sister wanted me to give you this. It's her nose.
Matt: You know what? I just got violated by a lizard, man!
Matt: Actually, that felt pretty good.
[after being blown off by a girl at a club]
Dustin: Hold on, I'm gonna go get you another glass of bitch.
Eric: But see, the truth is that Jimmy actually did want us to come over and say "What's up" so if you could just get us in for five minutes...
Tour Manager: Yea, I could do that.
Eric: You could do that?
Tour Manager: Yea, I could do that, but I'm not going to do that, because I don't want to, and I... I just can't seem to find my way around that.
Dustin: [while Matt and Dustin are fighting in the van] I'm gonna snap your neck like a glow stick!
Dustin: [seeing Jimmy Wilson's tour bus] Oh, black leather. That's just how Snoop would do it.
Matt: [while changing blown tire on the van while Sweet Lou and the girl are in the van and it is rocking] Sweet Lou's all over this chick.
Dustin: Why does that bother you so much?
Matt: Because it's not happening to me.
Dustin: Dude, maybe if you changed your clothes like one time there might be a... I don't know.
Sweet Lou: It's tempting but uh... I don't know. And you know, school just let out and all.
Eric: Dude, didn't you graduate like six years ago?
Sweet Lou: Yea, but they didn't.
Dustin: Again, good point.
Dustin: Guys, what are we doing in a clown college?
Sarah Jensen: [Female clown appears] Matty!
Matt: Hey, Mom.
Sarah Jensen: We missed the hell out of you!
Sweet Lou: Those are Matt's parents?
Dustin: They really are clowns.
Sarah Jensen: [Gets away and rubs her nose] You reek!
Matt: Hey, Dad.
Denise: [Girl appears] Matt?
Matt: What's up?
Denise: You smell funky.
[Making fun of him]
Denise: Wait, wait, don't tell me. Give me a second. I'm really good at this.
Matt: I'm covered in shit.
Sweet Lou: What's up?
Denise: [Shoots a clown gun that shows a flag] Bang.
Sweet Lou: I can't believe you're Matt's sister.
Denise: Me either.
Sweet Lou: So you want to... Wanna...
Denise: [She takes his glasses off and put them on the table] "You want to...?" Do you wanna learn how to throw a pie?
[puts a plate of pie on his hand]
Denise: Bet you never turn down pie.
[Licks her finger]