Something's Gotta Give (2003)
Julian Mercer: When something happens to you that hasn't happened before, don't you at least have to find out what it is?
Zoe: This is really fascinating, what's going on at this table. Let's take you and Erica. You've been around the block a few times. What are you, around 60? 63. Fantastic! Never married, which as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You'd be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write an article about you. Celebrate your never marrying. You're elusive and ungetable, a real catch. Then, there's my gorgeous sister here. Look at her. She is so accomplished. Most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellmann? She's over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because available guys her age want something-forgive me, they want somebody that looks like Marin. The over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men- especially older men- are threatened and afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.
Harry Sanborn: Some people consider rap poetry.
Erica Barry: C'mon, how many words can you rhyme with bitch?
Erica Barry: I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't great.
Harry: Let's just calm down. I had these plans before I even met you. I mean, I do like seeing you. I do.
Erica Barry: [scoff] Yeah.
Harry: I'm always surprised by it.
Erica Barry: Surprised by it? What was I thinking?
Harry: I have never lied to you. I have always told you some version of the truth.
Erica Barry: The truth doesn't have versions, okay?
Harry: Will you cut me a little slack? My life has just been turned upside down.
Erica Barry: Mine too!
Harry: Well, then let's just each get our bearings.
Erica Barry: I don't want my bearings. I've had my bearings my whole goddamn life. I feel something with you I never really knew existed. Do you know what that's like, after a 20-year marriage to feel something for another person that is so...? That... Oh, Right. Right. Not your problem. God. Do you know that I've written this, but I never really got it? Do you know what this is?
Erica Barry: [Erica kisses Harry] This is heartbroken. How's that for impervious.
Harry: You're killing me.
Erica Barry: I just wish that it had lasted more than a week.
Harry: Me too.
Erica Barry: That is a terrible thing to say. You know, the life I had before you I knew how to do that. I could do that forever. But now look at me. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with all this?
Harry: Erica. Can you wait just a second? The truth is, I... I just... I don't know how to be a boyfriend.
Erica Barry: That's what you have to say after all of this? That you don't know how to be a boyfriend?
Harry: That's not a small thing.
Erica Barry: [shakes head] Are we done?
Harry: I don't know.
Erica Barry: Oh, my God.
[Erica gets in taxi and drives away]
Julian Mercer: [offering a bouquet] These are for you to give me when you apologize.
Harry: I've never seen a woman that age naked before.
Julian Mercer: You're kidding.
Harry: Hey! We're not all doctors, baby.
Harry: I just have one question: What's with the turtlenecks? I mean it's the middle of summer.
Erica: Well I guess I'm just a turtleneck kind of gal.
Harry: You never get hot?
Erica: Not lately.
Erica Barry: You know what, Harry. If it's all right with you, I'd like to be friends.
Harry Sanborn: Friends? I'm not ready to be your FRIEND!
Erica Barry: Fine, I understand.
Harry Sanborn: And anyway, do you really buy that horseshit that a man and a woman can be friends after they've had sex?
Erica Barry: I'm friends with my ex-husband but then again, we didn't just have sex.
Harry Sanborn: We didn't just have sex either.
Erica Barry: Then what was it? I'd love to know.
Harry Sanborn: Can I email it to ya when I figure it out?
Harry Sanborn: I love ya.
Erica Barry: Well, I love you too! If that's what you said. I don't know if it ends in a 'ya' if it's a true 'I love you.'
Harry Sanborn: You're not like anybody.
Harry Sanborn: I think I'm entering into another phase with this thing. I'm mad at you.
Erica Barry: I think I'm mad at you too.
Harry Sanborn: Good, because I don't LIKE thinking about you all the time and worrying about how you are...
Erica Barry: You... worry about ME?
Harry Sanborn: Yes, honey. The schmuck, who deserves to die, worries about you. Sometimes worrying about you feels like a full-time job.
Erica Barry: Well I'm doing just fine, so you don't have to work that shift anymore!
Harry: Where's Julian?
Erica: He's back at the hotel. He said when he saw me with you, he knew I was still in love with you... what do you have to say about that?
Harry: If... if it's true, my life just got made.
Harry: [to a madly irritated Erica] I don't think I've ever had this effect on a woman before.
Erica Barry: What effect do you think you're having on me?
Harry: I don't quite recognize it. That's how I know I never had it before.
Harry: I have never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth.
Erica Barry: The truth doesn't have versions, okay?
Erica Barry: Wait. You're leaving, Zoe's leaving, the entourage is leaving. You mean I'm going to be alone in this house... with HIM?
Marin: Well, the hospital's sending over a nurse first thing in the morning.
Erica Barry: In the morning? That's like nineteen hours from now!
Marin: We know this about me. I'm just not cut out for this kind of drama.
Erica Barry: I think it's the drama in life that makes you strong.
Marin: You always say thinks like that!
Harry: [after a kiss] Soft lips.
Erica: I'm so glad they still work. I haven't used them for kissing in such a long time, more like for wearing lipstick... and whistling.
Erica Barry: [after kissing Harry passionately for the first time] I'm... I'm sorry.
Harry: For what?
Erica Barry: I... I just kissed you.
Harry: No, honey. *I* kissed *you*.
Harry: [after Erica tries to get Harry arrested] You don't understand... i'm dating your daughter.
Erica Barry: Oh my God! Your dating my daughter?
Harry: Now who would have thought that was worst news?
Marin: Harry was once engaged to Diane Sawyer.
Zoe: Diane Sawyer? No way, I love her!
Erica Barry: That's wonderful!
Harry: Women your age love that about me.
Erica Barry: Ah.
Harry: No, that's a good thing.
Erica Barry: I'm sure you meant it as a compliment.
Harry: Yes, it was meant as a compliment.
Erica Barry: What are you doing here, Harry?
Harry: Turns out the heartattack was easy to get over. You... were something else. I finally get it. I'm 63 years old... and I'm in love for the first time in my life.
Erica Barry: [on her play] It's about a divorced woman, a writer. She's this high-strung, overamped, controlling, know-it-all neurotic.
[Everyone stares at her]
Erica Barry: ... who's incredibly *cute*, and lovable.
Harry: Oh. *Her*. She is a *major* piece of work. Doc, the woman wears turtlenecks in the middle of summer: she's *beyond* uptight. Almost makes her fun to be around.
Julian Mercer: Uptight. That's funny, I haven't noticed that.
Harry: Try living with her.
Erica Barry: Harry, your heart attack could be the best thing that's ever happened to me!
Erica Barry: [Harry walks in, with her naked] Ahh!
Harry: [Seeing Erica] Oh! Oh.
Erica Barry: No! STOP!
Harry: OH! OOH!
Erica Barry: [Walking behind the door] AAHH! STOP!
Harry: [Hits a wall full of pictures, covering his eyes partly] Oh, I'm sorry! Oh, God, am I sorry?
Erica Barry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Harry: I'm sorry! I didn't see anything. Except maybe a few tits!
[Diane screams and runs away]
Julian Mercer: You know what Freud said they are no accidents.
Harry: Trust me this was an accident.
Harry: What's with the turtlenecks? It's the middle of summer.
Erica Barry: Honestly what do you care what I wear?
Harry: Just curious.
Erica Barry: I like them I've always liked them and I am just a turtleneck kind of gal.
Harry: You never get hot?
Erica Barry: No.
Erica Barry: Not Lately.
Marin: Are you crying?
Erica Barry: Yeah. It's my new thing. I've gotten abnormally brilliant at it.
Marin: Why? What is it?
Erica Barry: I'm in love. Ain't it great? Seems like I gotta learn how to that... love-them-and-leave-them stuff, you know?
Marin: Oh mom, I hate this. Now do you get my theory about all this? You gotta self-protect.
Erica Barry: You don't really buy this stuff you say, do you? You don't actually think that you can outsmart getting hurt?
Marin: I think it's worth trying.
Erica Barry: Listen to me. You can't hide from love for the rest of your life because maybe it won't work out... maybe you'll become unglued? It's just not a way to live.
Marin: Are you telling me this is good? What's happened to you?
Erica Barry: I think you should consider the possibility that you and I are more alike than you realize. I let someone in, and I had the time of my life.
Marin: I've never had the time of my life.
Erica Barry: I know, baby. And I say this from the deepest part of my heart. What are you waiting for?
Julian Mercer: Must we go through this every time? Come here.
Julian Mercer: The woman is really very brilliant, but she cannot hold her liquor.
Erica Barry: I like that about me.
Harry Sanborn: Me too.
[At the same time as Harry]
Julian Mercer: Me too.
Erica Barry: If I were writing this, this is where I would write "an awkward moment".
Harry Sanborn: Honey, if you were writing this, I'd be DEAD!
[after making out with Julian]
Erica Barry: Good. That's very good.
Erica Barry: I'm like the dumb girl that doesn't get it. I've never been the dumb girl before. It ain't so great.
Julian Mercer: How great is it for you that im not intimidated by your brilliance?
Harry: I'm dating your daughter, Marin. She invited me here for the weekend. She is in her room right now changing.
Erica Barry: Aah! You're dating my daughter?
Harry: Now who would have thought that would be worst news?