Eddie: [taking food orders from people in the shop] Okay... so that's three orders of "hell naw", two orders of "ask ya mama", and one order of "negro please".
All Female Yoga Group: [channeling and releasing anger] HE... AIN'T... SHIT!
Gina: What Calvin NEEDS you to do is to get up off your fat ass an' cut some heads!
Eddie: Now how you gonna talk about size... when you one Reese's Pieces away from Jenny Craig y'self?
Eddie: The D.C. sniper is the "Jackie Robinson" of crime! He broke into the crazy White leagues!
Jimmy: So, you big time now, huh? you're the "Eminem" of the barber world now, huh?
Issac: Yeah. That's why they call me "Slim Fadey!"
Ricky: [to Issac] Man, you cut hair like a bitch! Cuttin' little "I"'s in the back of people's heads an' shit!
[Calvin is about to eat a biscuit]
Miss Emma: Say grace first!
Calvin: Oh, uh..."Jesus wept".
Miss Emma: Why?
Calvin: Why what?
Miss Emma: Why did Jesus weep?
Calvin: 'Cuz he was sad.
Miss Emma: *Why* was he sad?
Calvin: 'Cuz he was sad 'cuz they ain't let him eat his biscuit...
Customer Muhammed: [to Terri, trying to convert her to the Nation of Islam] All I want to know is... how can you, as a Black woman, bring yourself to worship a savior who looks like Kenny G?
Customer: Ay... Kenny G put out a bomb-ass Christmas album!
Customer Muhammed: Terri... what you need is a real man. A Muslim man.
Calvin: [to his calm baby son] One day this shop's gonna be yours.
[his baby son starts to cry loudly]
[Jimmy comes in and tells Isaac to trim him up immediately and complains that he can't keep a schedule]
Calvin Palmer: Get 'im...
Isaac Rosenberg: SIT YO' ASS DOWN!
Kenard: [When Calvin tells him that he has to take down the pictures of swimsuit models that he had put up on the mirror in front of his chair] Come on Calvin, you know I can't cut without the butt.