Pete: [to Tad] Like do you know she has six smiles? One when something really makes her laugh. One when she's making plans. One when she is laughing out of politeness. One when she is uncomfortable. One when she is making fun of herself. And one when... she's talking about her friends.
Rosalee: You have five smiles Pete. One when you think someone an idiot. One when you think someone's REALLY an idiot. One when you're singing to Barry White. One when you're getting all dressed up. And one when you're looking at me.
Pete: I'm telling you, she is more of a treasure than you could possibly know. She is not just some wholesome, small town girl, some like, good for you breath of fresh air. Tad, she is a wonderful person with a huge heart. And the kind of beauty that a guy only sees once, you know? Once! So Tad, if there is even a chance that you could break her heart, please, just for her sake, walk away man.
Tad: I could never break Rosalee's heart, ok?
Pete: Good. Because if you do I swear to God I will tear you to pieces with my bare hands. Or vicious rhetoric.
Tad: You're a good guy Pete.
Pete: Well yes. Apparently not good enough.
[Richard Levy shows Tad Hamilton a tabloid cover story]
Richard Levy: Congratulations. You're actually drinking, driving, smoking, leering and groping at the same time.
Richard Levy the Shameless: Which on one hand, is just about the coolest thing ever...
[the other Richard Levy scoffs]
Richard Levy the Shameless: ...but on the other hand, maybe isn't so great for the image.
[Pete sums up the "Win a Date" contest]
Pete: Heaven is just a mouse click away.
[Pete gives Rosalee some parting advice before her big date]
Pete: Guard your carnal treasure.
Pete: I told you to guard your carnal treasure! You practically *chucked* it at him!
Pete: Tad Hamilton is an actor. How do you know he's not acting with you?
Tad: Yeah, Pete told me if I ever hurt you; that he would tear me to pieces with his bare hands or with his rhetoric.
Rosalee: Pete told you if you hurt me, he would tear you to pieces with his bare hands or with his rhetoric? That is so... adorable.
Cathy: [to Tad] And at which point, Tad, If you are going back to the airport I will ride with you, and by the Route 73 cloverleaf, I will have given myself to you in ways you've only read about in the drugstore!
Angelica: Well is it love, big love, or great love?
Pete: What do you mean?
Angelica: Well, love you get over in two months, big love you get over in two years, and great love, well great love... changes your life. So which one is it?
[Pete laughs and takes a big gulp out of his drink]
Angelica: Oh my god, it's great love.
Pete: Yeah, that just great.
Angelica: Rosalee, when great love is rejected something inside a man dies.
Pete: Rosie, there something I want to ask you...
[Tad walks in]
Pete: What is the worst thing that could happen to me right now?
[Angelica quickly comes running over]
Angelica: Yes, Pete, what is the object of your desire?
Pete: Um... we'd like another round of beers.
Angelica: Someday Pete, when I ask what you desire you will say: you, Angelica, *you* are the object of my desires.
Pete: I think we'll just take the beers for now.
Angelica: Well you got to win her back.
Pete: Believe me I have tried everything.
Angelica: Well what did she say, when you told her you loved her?
Pete: Ok maybe not everything.
Angelica: How did she react, when you kissed her?
Pete: Ok, maybe only two things.
Rosalee: [to Tad] Do you think it is possible to love someone your entire life and never realize it?
Rosalee: What did you want to ask me?
Pete: Oh, it was nothing, it was nothing really. No, wait a minute, I remember what I was going to say.
[Pete kisses Rosie]
Pete: Rosie, I'm in love with you.
[at the airport]
Pete: I got you something.
[holds up can of Pringles]
Pete: You know, in case you don't want the prime rib in first class.
Police Officer: We got a call saying that there was someone parked up here and you it's illegal after sunset...
Rosalee: You got a call at this hour? From who? A racoon?
Tad: [to Rosalee] What happened here tonight was a force of nature. Two people set out to be friends, but nature would have none of it. Nature wanted them to be more and nature's going to want that tomorrow.
Pete: [about Tad] I bet you in his life he's slept with like what, 15, 20 women?
Rosalee: No way. That's not even physically possible.
Pete: [kisses Rosie] I love you, Rosie. I *always* have. If I've been a jerk this last week, it's because I've been fighting - I've been fighting for you. I don't want to lose you to Tad Hamilton, or anyone else. You're the one.
Henry: Sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David. It's just nobody bothers to tell that story.
Rosalee: Your standing films will time and test themselves.
Tad: [beat] Thank you.
Tad: Do you guys have any suites?
Hotel Clerk: Sure we got sweets. We got some lollies down here by the register, if you wanna pop on by and get yourself a lolly.
Pete: There's innocent, there's childlike and then there's asking for it!
Rosalee: [after Pete crashes into a pole] Oh, my God, are you okay?
Pete: Yeah, no I meant to do that.
Rosalee: They also said that in first class you may personally view the film of your choice.
Cathy: All right. I would like to touch intimately the person who thought of that.
Rosalee: So he's going to stay in the motel while he fixes up the farm.
Pete: Like, he's a farmer, all of a sudden?
Rosalee: I think he'll be a good farmer.
Pete: Rosie... He's from Malibu, California okay? The only thing they grow there... are breasts.
Tad: Well this barn sits on what they call the South 40. Yep. I'm not sure exactly how many acres that is... but... uh... I'm gonna guess that's a lot...
Pete: Yeah... I'm gonna guess 40.
Tad: Hmmmm... oh yeah...
Pete: [attempting to teach Tad how to chop wood with an ax] Ok... So... The trick is to take a full swing so as to as to split the log in one swift...
[Tad removes his shirt and reveals a muscular chest]
Pete: stroke... Okay...
[Peter removes his shirt to reveal a skinny chicken chest]
Pete: Yeah... Let's do this... Hey... so uh... you work out?
Tad: [shakes his head] Nah.
Pete: Yeah me neither, I know... it's like...
Pete: me neither... Okay, uhh... so basically one, swift, stroke.
[swings ax and gets it caught in the wood ]
Pete: Ok... and sometimes you just... ya know... basically get a bad piece of wood... Basically...
[Tad chops wood with an ax all the way through]
Pete: And you know sometimes you don't... That's... that's uh... good... beginners luck... ya know... first time...
[Tad chops another piece of wood while Pete still struggles with the ax caught in his first piece]
Pete: Ah! And the luck continues... that's great... Good for you man...
Tad: Pete, did you ever see the movie I did called "The Man Named Jackson"?
Pete: If it came out Tad... then I saw it...
[Tad comes over to help Pete with the ax]
Pete: You know what... yeah, I think that the ax is actually broken...
[Tad pulls the ax out of the wood easily]
Pete: Yeah huh... that's great...
[Tad slaps Pete easily on his chicken chest]
Pete: I cannot remember a time... BEFORE you started telling that story.
Rosalee: I was asked to provide a detailed explanation of the evening.
Pete: And you did, Rosie, you really did. I really felt like I was there... sort of against my will.
Rosalee: Do you think it's possible to love someone your whole life and never really realize it until something happens that makes you see?
Tad: [looking puzzled but amazed] What's that from?
Rosalee: It's not from anything, I'm just saying it to you.
Rosalee: I can't go with you Tad, because you don't love me, you maybe want to love me. But I think what you love right now is the idea of me. You can't love someone for what they stand for or seem to be. You have to love them for their details, for the little things that are true of them and only them.
Angelica: When great love is rejected, Rosalee, something inside a man dies. So all he can do is run away, where he can meet the girl he'll love second most.