Paramedic: I only got room for one of you.
Dean: I'm the father...
Patrick: I'm the boyfriend...
Mitch: [points to Dean] I'm HIS boyfriend.
Paramedic: That's nice, but I still only got room for one of you.
Mary: Why would God make us so different if he wanted us to be the same?
Lillian: I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window.
Mary: Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.
Hilary Faye: [the day after "saving" Cassandra] Hey Cass! How do you feel?
Cassandra: Oh, I'm a whole new girl Hay-Faye.
Hilary Faye: I TOLD YOU! How great is Jesus?
Cassandra: Yeah, um, about that... I've decided to devote my life to Satan instead. Thanks though!
Hilary Faye: Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.
Mary: You don't know the first thing about love.
Hilary Faye: [throws a Bible at Mary] I am FILLED with Christ's love! You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.
Mary: [Mary holds up the Bible] This is not a weapon! You idiot.
Patrick: Mary, you want to go out sometime?
Mary: What? Are you going to take me out on your "scooter"?
Patrick: Come on, I'm like, totally adorable, besides, it would drive Hilary Faye crazy.
Mary: I can't. I'm... not dating right now.
Patrick: What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?
Mary: So everything that doesn't fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It's just all too much to live up to. No one fits in one hundred percent of the time. Not even you.
Pastor Skip: I know that, Mary.
Dean: I know in my heart that Jesus still loves me.
Mary: Why would God make us all so different if he wanted us to be the same?
Cassandra: [Patrick is wearing a loincloth, acting as Jesus dying in a play] Now that's what I call being hung on a cross.
Mary: I'm having a girl.
Cassandra: [looking at Mary's ultrasound] Are you sure you're not having a seamonkey?
Mary: Please let it be cancer, please let it be cancer, please let it be cancer...
Mary: Dean! What are you doing here?
Dean: I'm going to my Prom.
Mary: Mercy House let you guys take the van?
Dean: Well no not really, we sort of led a rebellion and swiped it. You're pregnant?
Mary: I wanted to tell you...
Dean: Our first time?
Dean: That's so awesome.
Patrick: [about her corsage] I bought both red and yellow, because I didn't know... which...
Mary: But Patrick -
[gestures to her pregnant belly]
Patrick: Mary? Honestly? It doesn't matter to me.
Trudy Mason: Patrick has recently returned from South Africa where he worked as a missionary and just completed a world tour as part of the Christian Skateboarders Association.
Cassandra: Been hittin' the board for the Lord? God, is nothing sacred to you people?
Cassandra: Doesn't it bother you to have people smoking around you? It's so bad for the baby.
Mary: I'm not pregnant.
Cassandra: So what are you gonna do? It's too late for the big "A". You look like a smuggler. I know a place where you could sell it!
Mary: I'm not going to sell my...
Cassandra: It's Dean's, isn't it?
Roland: [to Cassandra] I don't want to be the guy who's with the girl because he needs her, I want to be the guy who's with the girl because he wants her.
Cassandra: There's only one reason Christian girls comes down to the Planned Parenthood.
Roland: She's planting a pipe bomb?
Cassandra: Okay, two reasons.
Mary: [about the Virgin Mary] I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again.
Mary: I don't really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.
Mary: What? Did they send you over so you could strap me onto the back of your scooter?
Patrick: "Scooter"? Mary, this is a Vespa.
Cassandra: [after complaining about Hilary Faye's ridiculous attempt to save her] It's ok. Last year I got saved so I could go on the ski trip.
Mary: [after giving birth] Okay, I'm pretty sure this isn't what Jesus had in mind when he said, "Help Dean." Look, don't be too harsh. I'm not the first person to ever get the message screwed up. Looking at her, it's like life is too amazing to be this random and meaningless consequence of the universe. There had to be a God... or something out there.
Veronica: Roland is so blessed to have such a thoughtful sister. You know, in countries like China, Hilary Faye would probably have been killed at birth.
Hilary Faye: And then where would you be, Roland?
Cassandra: [Roland rolls up to Cassandra, wearing a black shirt with white laces down the middle] What are you supposed to be?
Roland: A roller skate.
Cassandra: So I figured they would have sent you to a special school by now.
Roland: [smirks] This IS a special school.
Dean: We've been kicked out of our homes, we've been kicked out of our schools, and now we're being kicked out of Mercy House - there's nowhere left for us to go!
Mary: Why do you think Dean's parents sent him away so fast?
Lillian: They probably didn't think they could handle it by themselves.
Mary: What do you mean?
Lillian: Well, having a child is like owning a car. I can change the oil and fill the gas tank and I can take it to a car wash, but if the carburetor broke, I wouldn't know what to do.
Mary: So, what? You'd just send me away?
Lillian: Oh, Mary, please don't tell me you're a lesbian!
Lillian: Do I need to worry about you? No, I don't have to worry about you. Do I?
Mary: [voice-over] My mom just compared me to a car, so me having a baby is definitely something not to tell her right now.
[Mary is about to confess that Dean is gay]
Mary: I need to tell you guys something.
[Van suddenly haults]
Hilary Faye: Eew.
Roland: WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.
Cassandra: I always get this really left out feeling at Christmas time
Hilary Faye: [to Patrick] Jewish.
[Back to Cassandra]
Hilary Faye: Well, if you decided to accept Jesus into your heart you and your people could join in on the fun!
Cassandra: You know what you're right! I want to join in on the fun. I don't want a Hannukah bush this year, I want a Christmas tree.
Hilary Faye: You're playing me again?
Cassandra: No, I want to start a personal relationship with Jesus. I want to be saved!
Hilary Faye: Oh wow!
[Gestures to Patrick]
Hilary Faye: Patrick! Oh, I don't have all my equipment! Ok, first, you have to confess all of your sins out loud.
Cassandra: Well, there's all the swearing, I mean, I have a Goddammed dirty mouth. And the sex I mean, are we talking oral
Hilary Faye: [claps hand over Cassandra's mouth]
Cassandra: Did I ever tell you about the time I shoplifted a frozen turkey out of a Piggly Wiggly wearing only a tube top and daisy dukes?
Pastor Skip: Patrick, this is not a gray area.
Patrick: Dad, it's all a gray area.
Pastor Skip: THE BIBLE IS BLACK AND WHITE!
Roland: Are you okay?
Hilary Faye: No, Roland... I crashed my van into Jesus! Okay? I have a pimple the size of Jupiter! I am NOT okay! This is not how I wanted to remember my Prom. This is not how I wanted to remember my life.
Roland: Well maybe we can fix it... with some glue, or something
Hilary Faye: Well, if it isn't the Heathens.
Cassandra: Burn in hell, you narrow-minded, tacky-ass bitch!
[doing stretches in gym class, Mary spots Patrick running laps around the girls. Patrick smiles at Mary]
Hilary Faye: I know what you're looking at, Mary. And Jesus does too.
[during the school assembly, Cassandra stands up and begins yelling in Spanish]
Tia: [thinking] Oh my god, the Jew girl's speaking in tongues!
[Cassandra rips open her shirt]
Roland: She's going to show her boobs! Thank you Jesus!
Patrick: [thinking] She is, she's going to show her boobs!
[looking horrified, Hilary Faye stands up at the podium]
Hilary Faye: She's saying she has a hot pussy!
[the word "pussy" is bleeped out by microphone feedback]
Pastor Skip: I think the Christian thing to do would be to let them stay.
Hilary Faye: The Christian thing to do? I have been doing the CHRISTIAN THING my whole life! I did not have sex with a gay and try to blame it on Jesus!
Mary: Hilary Faye...
Hilary Faye: Oh, shut up, you fornicator!
Mary: How was your summer, Roland?
Mary: Your summer. How was it?
Roland: Oh, it was great. I went roller-skating, water-skiing, learnt to kickbox. The usual.
Hilary Faye: Roland, why do you always have to make everyone feel so awkward about your differently-abled-ness?
Cassandra: If you're interested, I know some people who would pay a lot of money to take naked pictures of you in a "family way".
Mary: [wiping away her tears and smiling tentatively] Yeah? How much money?
[doing stretches in Gym class]
Cassandra: Hey, Hilary Faye, I can see your pad.
Cassandra: So, Patrick asked you out and you turned him down? The boy is a tomcat, even if he is a big JC freak. And - double plus bonus - I'm pretty sure he's not a 'mo.
Mary: He's Pastor Skip's son, and I'm about to pop a baby out.
Cassandra: I should tell Patrick to act gay around you, maybe then he'll get a little action.
Pastor Skip: [after Patrick suggests his parents should have divorced] Because divorce is not part of God's plan.
Patrick: Dad, you need to think of a new plan.
Cassandra: You can tacky up prom on your own, cause I quit.
Hilary Faye: Quit? You can't quit!
Cassandra: Watch me. Watch me walkin' away. Watch me walkin' away from Jesus!
Pastor Skip: [to the Christian Jewels] Listen, I'm concerned about Mary. Something's going on.
Hilary Faye: Yeah, me too.
Pastor Skip: Well, she's part of your posse, and I think that you could help her. I'm gonna need you to be a warrior out there on the front lines for Jesus.
Tia: You mean like shoot her.
Pastor Skip: No, I was thinking of something a little less gangsta.
[storming out to her car after being expelled from school]
Cassandra: He kicked me out! And it was the one time I didn't do anything!
Tia: Stop being so stingy!
Hilary Faye: What? They're my Valentine's day chocolates.
Tia: Hilary Faye, you bought them for yourself so it doesn't count.
Cassandra: We should get back inside.
Roland: [to himself] Nice!
Cassandra: [turns around] Do you want a push?
Cassandra: [in his ear] If you stare at my ass again, I will push you off a cliff.
Cassandra: [Drunk] Hey Roland. Wanna get outta here and you can take me for a spin on that thing... RELEASE HIS PARKING BRAKE HILARY FAYE!
Hilary Faye: Oh, God, you smell like Tia's dad, have you been drinking?
Cassandra: I should kick your fat Christian ass right now.
Hilary Faye: You know what? Whatever!
Hilary Faye: And I'm not even fat!
Cassandra: Your head is fat! Oh! And your ass is fat!
Hilary Faye: WHATEVER!
Mary: My mom just compared me to a car... so me... having a baby... definitely falls into the category of things she couldn't handle.
Hilary Faye: I knew Mary was hiding something. The thought of her humping that pervert... I still can't believe Roland never showed up.
Veronica: I can't believe your brother called you the "c" word.
Tia: I can't believe we have to go to Prom in this van.
Hilary Faye: Look, when I tried to pay for my hair, my credit card was mysteriously maxed out and the limo driver wouldn't take a personal check. Get off my back.
Tia: [pause] It's bad enough we don't even have dates.
Roland: You have everything, Hillary Faye. What are you afraid of?
Hilary Faye: [to Cassandra while putting up Prom decorations] You better be wearing underpants this time.
Hilary Faye: [at a shooting range] Us Christian girls have got to learn to protect ourselves. I mean, sure Jesus could restore my physical and spiritual virginity, especially if I lost it to some
Hilary Faye: rapist, but who wants that? I'm saving myself for marriage, and I'll use force if necessary.
Mary: Mercy House is a place that deals with all kinds of problems, like drug addiction and alcoholism to de-gayification and unwed mothers.
Pastor Skip: Let's get our Christ on, let's kick it Jesus-style!
Cassandra: Roland and I both saw you sneaking out of the clinic. Kudos on the Bono shades by the way!
Mary: [voice over] I mean, rely, when you think about it. What would Jesus do? I don't know. But in the meantime we'll be trying to figure it out... together.
Cassandra: [drunk] I'm having a vision of the Virgin Mary!
Mary: [narrating] Cassandra Edelstine was the first Jewish to ever attend Christian Eagle High School amid rumors that she was a stripper. Everyone wanted to get her saved. Especially Hilary Faye.
Cassandra: She made me listen to the whole Elms CD on her iPod!
Mary: [Looking up at a huge cross, arms outstretched, sobbing] Shit, fuck, Goddamn.
Cassandra: Piss off, asshole! Oh, and another thing? No more muffins for you! The muffin shop is closed!
Patrick: Come here. Sorry
[as he walks in front of people]
Mary: What are you doing, Patrick?
Patrick: I just wanna see what's in here.
Patrick: No, no, come on.
Mary: No! We're not allowed...
Patrick: Just for a second.
Mary: I don't think we should be in here.
Patrick: Yes, yes we should definitely be in here.
Patrick: I like you, Mary. I do. God gave us free will, and that day at Hilary Faye's, you weren't afraid to use it. You inspired me. You amaze me, Mary.
Hilary Faye: Want to get something to eat with us?
Patrick: We're going to DQ.
Cassandra: Why? So we can watch Hilary Faye try to get into your Easter basket? No thanks.
Hilary Faye: You better be wearing underwear this time.
Cassandra: [looks over shoulder and down ladder at Hilary Faye] Heh.