Club Dread (2004)
Jenny: Aren't you bringing any weapons?
Lars Bronkhorst: I have all the weapons I need.
Putman Livingston: Piss on that! I'm bringing a ma-she-tay!
Juan: Ok. Juan Castillo... went to jail... for having sex with a goat. Ok? It that what you wanted to hear? We lived on a farm! And I got lonely! We were just a couple of crazy kids!
Juan: [about the goat incident] At least I wore a comdom.
Jenny: You told me they were against your religion!
Juan: Uuuhhhh... I'm going to go find Pe-ne-lope.
Lars: Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking-arrest me? You better get a fun-fucking-warrant! Otherwise, stay outta my... fun-fucking-face!
Coconut Pete: [trying to teach two immigrants to cook for the resort - they don't understand] You think Eddie Money has to put up with this shit?
[Putman runs up to Dave and Juan in the Pacman maze in a banana suit]
Putman: Mmm! Mmm! Mmmm!
Dave: Are you trying to tell us something boy? Is Timmy trapped in the well?
[Putman motions for them to follow him]
Juan: [singing while running after Putman] Follow thee banana, follow thee banana!
Kellie: I just heard something.
Rolo: Was it a strange sucking sound?
Juan: [after "interrogating" Penelope by having passionate sex] I may need a few more hours to pump her for information.
Penelope: [on top of Juan, and talking in a creepy soft voice] You have been very bad today, Juan.
Juan: What did I do?
Penelope: When you were supposed to be in the maze, you were eating watermelon.
Juan: [shocked] How did you know that?
Penelope: Because I see everything, Juan.
Putman: I was Andre Agassi's tennis partner for a week. I'm the one who taught 'Dre how to play Cocks and Quarters. Can you believe he'd never played Cocks and Quarters?
Sam: [thinking Lars escaped through a tiny window] He couldn't have.
Putman: He's far too large.
Juan: Yu and Hank are dead!
Coconut Pete: ...What did we do?
Juan: No! Yu and Hank are fucking dead!
Coconut Pete: Is that a threat?
Jenny: Amy Aerobics accidentally swallowed some rat poison.
Dave: [about Putman] "Am I the only one who thinks his head looks like an octopus?"
Paul: [From Outtakes] "What other dumbass catchphrases can I say?"
Sam: Did you know I can hold my breath for 3 minutes and 33 seconds?
Penelope: Juan, you're bleeding!
Juan: You should see the other hombre.
Juan: When you jump squeeze your ass cheeks together or water will fly up your butthole and pulverize your intestines.
Jenny: [about Penelope] Who is she?
Juan: She's my girlfriend.
Putman: You've manacled me to my death-bed, you Piccadilly whore!
Hank: [Unrated version] There's always one fuck-head like you trying to shit in the apple pie. Well you just shat in the one apple pie that knows how to shit back. So, why don't uh, you and me, let's just...
[killer cuts his throat]
Hank: There's always one asshole like you who wants to shit in the apple pie! Well, you just shat in the one apple pie that knows how to shit back! So whaddya say, you and me, we just sort this...
[killer cuts his throat]
Juan: All right then, tell me something. How the hell are we esposed to do our jobs when someone is killing the deek out of everyone here?
Dirk: No, I'm not an asshole. I'm just young, dumb and full - What the fuck? Something just brushed up against my leg.
Jenny: Oh, my God! What is it?
Dirk: No. There's seriously something down here. Oh, no, wait! It's just my gigantic cock!
Dirk: Yeah I heard you. Something about "cocks and quarters". Yeah, we have that here in the states only we call it "hide the sausage".
[reading Penelope's nametag on her chest by grabbing her breast]
Juan Castillo: You have a beautiful name. Peen-a-lop.
Penelope: I go to Oral Roberts.
Juan Castillo: Oral Roberts? Is that like Anal Johnson? Because I have done that a few times. Or was it Dirty Sanchez? Yes. It was that.
Sam, The Fun Police: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Coconut Pete's Pleasure Island. You have the right to fun. If you choose not to have fun, fun will be provided for you.
Lars: I guess now they'll kick me out of the Pacifists Club.
Jenny: Or just ask you nicely to leave.
Lars: Are you familiar with the expression "sitting duck"?
Juan: Uhh, no.
Putman: David, you hated him for killing your parents. You see, what none of us did know, what none of us could know, was that David's parents were trampled to death at a Coconut Pete concert.
Jenny: What the hell's wrong with you Putman? Everyone knows Dave's parents got killed at a Pete show.
Juan: Way to bring up on a sore subject.
Sam: It's not a party until someone breaks the Jacuzzi.
The Killer (Putman Livingston): [the killer stands over Putman and takes off his mask to reveal the killer is Putman] Take that bag off your head, love, and give us a kiss.
Putman Livingston: Wha...
[the killer Putman plants a kiss right on real Putman's lips before he wakes up, it was a dream]
Sam: The boat may be hidden under some sticks... or branches.
Sam: [referring to lyrics form a Coconut Pete song] You know, octopus spelled backwards is supotco. Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?
Juan: Supotco? No. But, the word for shoe is zapato.
Sam: hmm, shoe.
Putman: [returning from being on stage] What'd I miss?
Jenny: Apparently somebody's going to get killed with a shoe.
[It has just been revealed that Juan has spent time in prison]
Dave: What the fuck did you do, man? Costa Rican prison - that's some hardcore anal action, man.
Juan: [after Penelope does gymnast moves in the bed room, landing right on Juan] What the fuck are you, a praying mantis woman?
Coconut Pete: [re: Jimmy Buffet] Son-of-a-son-of-a-bitch!
Manny: Oh good 'cause I have an announcement to make to Roy: I'm totally bake-aked!
Jenny: [Re: Coconut Pete's song "Naughty Cal"] Our lives depend on us interpreting the dumbest fucking song I've ever heard!
Coconut Pete: I thought it was time to bring in the pro.
Sam, The Fun Police: Hank?
Coconut Pete: Yes, Hank. The head of security on all my tours.
Jenny: So, what? He keeps aging hippies from stealing the bong out of your tour bus?
Coconut Pete: It just so happens Hank used to be a federal agent. Yes, that's right. Headed a FBI task force on serial killers. Single-handedly caught the Minneapolis Mangler.
Lars: Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?
Dave: Pete, you are aware that I've personally served this guy twenty beers a day for the last ten years, right?
Hank: [shows a nasty scar on his side] Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior! When you can stuff your intestines back in your pockets and walk twenty clicks to an aid station after a knife fight with guerilla drug lords, then you talk to me!
[after putting one of his patented massage moves on the killer]
Lars: He'll orgasm for another few minutes. Go!
Coconut Pete: If it isn't to much to ask, have sex with the guests. Cause some of em aren't bad lookin!
Island Guest: After hearing the Machete Phil story: Wait wait... your telling me that there's some totally deranged dickless dude running around out there?