Man of the House (I) (2005)
Binky Beauregard: [Sharp, posing as an assistant cheerleading coach, is looking dour at a game] Where's your happy face?
Roland Sharp: This *is* my happy face!
Captain Nichols: [the girls have been fawning over mugshot books] I now know the hottie rating of every ex-convict in the western United States.
Roland Sharp: I gave up alcohol about ten years ago.
Molly McCarthy: Didn't like yourself when you were drinking, huh?
Roland Sharp: Hell, I loved myself when I was drinking. It was the other people that had the problem!
Teresa: [Sharp has a pizza delivered at dinner, while the girls all have homemade salads] What is that?
Roland Sharp: The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf all gathered together in one savory pie. With jalepenos. Want some?
Heather: Yes. No!
Roland Sharp: Extra thick crust.
Anne: I can't, I'm on the zone.
Roland Sharp: What zone?
Anne: The proper combination of protein, fat and carbohydrates.
Roland Sharp: This combination here is proper as hell.
Barb: I'm a total Atkins girl.
Evie: I'm on Weight Watchers, you'll probably blow all your daily points with just one bite.
Roland Sharp: This baby has one point and one point only, and that is tasting good.
Roland Sharp: [yelling at the radio] Why do you find it necessary to listen to this constant *crap*?
Anne: What's the matter? You don't like vagina music?
Roland Sharp: Do you have to use that word before I've had my coffee and soymilk?
Anne: [mocking him] Vagina, vagina, *vagina*!
Teresa: [walks in room] Whose?
Roland Sharp: I cannot hear myself think!
[turns off music]
Evie: Okay, as we involuntarily enter into this enforced period of silence, can I ask if there's any medication you forgot to take... or some I might recommend you should try?
Barb: Yes, like take a...
All Girls: CHILL PILL!
Roland Sharp: I only need one witness!
Barb: Get. Out!
Roland Sharp: [to the pizza guy through the window] Set the pizza on the porch, take two steps back, put your hands behind your head!
Pizza Delivery Guy: [Sharp comes outside, begins to frisk the pizza guy] Uhh... what's the problem dude?
Roland Sharp: If that pizza's warm, there won't be a problem.
[pays the guy]
Pizza Delivery Guy: [notices the girls inside] Dude, do you live here with all these girls?
Roland Sharp: Temporarily.
Pizza Delivery Guy: Dude, you're my new hero.
Roland Sharp: Imagine what that means to me.
[shuts the door]
Teresa: You *clearly* don't know how to speak to women.
Roland Sharp: I know how to speak to women. I *clearly* choose not to.
Ranger Holt: Uh, let me guess...
Ranger Holt: Clay. You're looking for Jimmy?
Clay: Exactly. Dude, are you like a psychic or some kinda shit?
Ranger Holt: Some kinda shit, yeah. See dude, here's the thing; Jimmy moved.
Clay: Oh, where to?
Ranger Holt: Travis county jail.
Clay: Well that ain't good.
[Holt closes the door]
Roland Sharp: Furthermore, I'd appreciate it if you'd cover yourselves in our presence. I realize how very proud you are... of your tattoos, piercings, and other body modifications. However, my colleagues and I do not need to see these! Are there any questions?
Teresa: I have one. Are you always such a dick?
Roland Sharp: Yes!
Maggie Swanson: Look Ball, you've got three choices. A, you can stay in this hellhole and burn to death. B, you can come with us and testify against John Cortland.
Morgan Ball: A and B suck! What about C?
Roland Sharp: *pulls a gun on Ball from behind* C's my personal favorite.
Tommy: You see the taller blonde. Is that Anne or Barb? I can never remember.
Roland Sharp: HEBAT.
Roland Sharp: HEBAT. It's a mnemonic device: Heather, Evie, Barbara, Anne, Theresa. HEBAT.
Roland Sharp: [Percy and the cheerleaders have just finished their dance-off] Now that's old school.
Heather: ...like in Full Metal Jacket? That's my favorite movie.
Roland Sharp: My favorite movie is the Sound of Music.
Anne: We had the situation under control.
Teresa: Yeah. We were about to go all Buffy on their gringo asses.
Roland Sharp: ...and you couldn't possibly be talking about my mother, because my mother is allergic to dogs!
Teresa: I'll tell you something about this daughter of yours that you know nothing about, she must be severely messed up in the head from living with you.
Roland Sharp: She lives with her mother.
Evie: Why did your marriage fall apart?
Roland Sharp: That is one of many things you and I will never discuss.
Barb: [off Roland's upset look and stops chewing her gum all of a sudden] Oh, do you want a piece?
Roland Sharp: No, I do not.
Barb: What, you don't like gum?
Roland Sharp: No. Chewing gum is the most significant factor in the decline of Western civilization.
Evie: The decline of what?
Roland Sharp: [struts through the church door] Well, if it ain't Martin Luther Vandross.
Percy Stevens: Uh, why don't you all take a break. Everybody go ahead, real quick. This man's probably got a lot of sins he needs to confess. Probably may have to exorcise him.
Roland Sharp: You're not really the cheerleading type, are you?
Heather: For me, it's more penance than a passion. Religious ascetics wear a hair shirt, I carry the pom-poms. I don't know. I guess it's the duality of man, you know. "That Jungian thing, sir," Matthew Modine, Full Metal Jacket. Peace sign on one side of his helmet. "Born to Kill" on the other. It's my favorite movie.
Barb: [confronted about her plagiarized paper] What's the big deal, presidents don't write their own speeches...
Jimmy: Howdy neighbor. Just wanted to say, you know... welcome to the building. And uh, if you ever need any weed or anything, just come knock on my door.
Ranger Holt: Yeah. Thanks Jimmy, you'll definitely be hearing from us.
Roland Sharp: [Talking to Holt] Stay here, don't go contemplating the universe with anybody!
Roland Sharp: We need to establish that the bathroom at the end of the hall is a 100% masculine bathroom, and from this moment on it is off-limits to you people and your foolish undergarments.
Heather: [Barb is playing with her breasts in front of a mirror in an interrogation room] That is a two-way mirror, girl. People are watching you!
Barb: I know!
Anne: No, he means the other Texas Rangers, you know, like The Lone Ranger.
Heather: He had that cool Indian friend, what was his name?
Barb: He was hot! Why don't guys wear loincloths anymore?
Ranger Riggs: Yes, sir. And I just want to say thank you for taking me along on this one, sir.
Roland Sharp: That's the third time today you've thanked me, and I can honestly say at this point I feel the full brunt of your gratitude.
Ranger Riggs: [looks at Theresa's butt as she climbs in the van] Thank you again, sir!
Roland Sharp: Get in the damn van!