Mark: [after coming up with a story to tell the cops] You hear that Eddie? I never hit you.
Eddie: Why should I lie?
Mark: What are you talking about?
Eddie: Why should I lie, when this is all your fault?
Mark: My fault? How the fuck is this my fault?
Eddie: Well if you hadn't been so worried about your paint job, my penis would be in my pants right now and not in my fucking hand!
Norma: This can't be happening.
Jack: What happened?
Norma: Chief Garby called. My only child has been hit by a car.
Jack: They just called?
Norma: Right after I came home, just a few minutes after I left you.
Officer Hannagan: [talking to a medic] We got a human penis right there by the curb. Somebody's gotta be looking for that.
Officer Hannagan: Don't move!
Norma: You'll burn for what you did to my daughter!
Jack: [confused] Daughter?
Frank: [after Mark throws a jelly donut at his windshield] Stupid little shits!
Frank: So is that Aaron's car outside? I thought you weren't seeing him anymore?
Cheri: I'm not.
Frank: Then what's he doing back here?
Cheri: We're just hanging out.
Frank: Cheri, Cheri. I do not trust that guy.
Cheri: So you said.
Frank: Look at me. If he hits you again, I'll kill him.
Cheri: I can take care of myself.
Duffy: [holding a bag of money] Cheri! I got it!
Cheri: [yelling back to Duffy] My car won't start.
Jack: [on Cheri's cell phone] Hello? Are you still there?
Cheri: [talking to Jack] Listen, I might get Duffy's half after all. I'll call you back.
Eddie: What's with the books?
[Tim holds up a book and tries to light it on fire]
Eddie: You're gonna burn a book?
Tim: It's not like this is great fucking literature or anything. I'm doing the world a favor.
Mark: [referring to Eddie's penis] Tim, it's been cut off!
Tim: So they can reattach it.
Mark: Well how the fuck are they gonna do that?
Tim: What am I, a surgeon? They use leeches and shit.
Mark: This is so stupid! What about the cops?
Tim: Just be here when I get back.
Buzzy: You do what you gotta do, but I'm not going to open up this drawer.
[Duffy points his pistol at her]
Duffy: Look at me.
Buzzy: Why, so you could shoot me in the face?
Duffy: C'mon, just look at me.
[Buzzy still refuses]
Duffy: Goddamnit, you're so stubborn!
Eddie: [after Tim accidentally hits Eddie with the van's window] Fuck me man, that was my head!
Duffy: [after Buzzy accidentally shoots the glass of a refrigerator] What the fuck is wrong with you?