- Christopher Morris: You are a paedophile, you are a nonce, you're a perv, you're a slot badger, you're a two pin din plug, you're a bush dodger, you're a small bean regarder, you're an unabummer, you're a nut administrator, you're a bent ref, you're the crazy world of Arthur Brown, you're a fence foal, you're a free willy, you're a chimney bottler, you're a bunty man, you're a shrub rocketeer...
- Chris Morris: [talking about paedophile Jes North] One day, a stairwell nonce-bashing left him quadrospazzed on a life-glug.
- Richard Blackwood: The child smells of hammers.
- An MP: The child was stuck in an area of Internet the size of Ireland.
- Neil Fox: Genetically, pedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me. Now that is scientific fact. There's no real evidence for it, but it's scientific fact.
- [first lines]
- Christopher Morris: These are our children, they skip down our streets, but the paedophile... is waiting!
- Christopher Morris: Why can we no longer think of the British Isles without using the word "Paedoph" in front of them?