Ron White: I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Ron White: Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
Ron White: Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff: Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White: If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]
Ron White: And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
Ron White: Some states are trying to abolish the death penalty... my states puttin in an express lane.
Jeff: Get alode of this -
[Ron is asleep in a waffle house]
Jeff: You know you're a redneck if youve ever slept in a waffle house.
[writes it down]
Jeff: Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.
[laughter and applause]
Jeff: Kids are great for a comedian, because kids are funny without even trying to be funny.
Jeff: Phoenix in July. Apparently, the people that book these things don't get the Weather Channel.
Jeff: But, uh... It's been one of those years like that for me. In February, I was doing a show in the northern part of Minnesota. It was so cold. Beautiful place, it was so cold. It was like fifteen below zero. And after the show, we were talking to some guys backstage, and they were trying to talk us into going ice fishing with them. It's fifteen degrees below zero! I said, "Guys, you know what, I really appreciate it." I said, "I don't really think I want to be that cold." And one of the guys goes "Oh, it's not that cold." He goes "We build a big bonfire out on the lake."
Jeff: [holding back laughter] And you call us stupid in the South?
[his definition of redneck]
Jeff: A glorious absence of sophistication. It can be full-time or part-time, but we're all guilty of it at some time or another. And if you're not guilty of it, then you have relatives who are.
Larry The Cable Guy: Nothing says, "Happy anniversary, sweetheart" like rubber dog turds.
Bill: I got a great family. I got a 16-year-old daughter who just got her driver's license. So drop to your knees and thank the good Lord above that you live here and not where we live. She is without a doubt the worst driver on the planet. She's got no depth perception at all. We come up to this intersection. There's a car stopped. I'm like, "He stopped. He stopped! He stopped!" She goes, "I can see that." I'm like, "Oh, my God, she's her mother!" The other day, my neighbor asked, "When did you put the CD boom box in your car?" I said, "What?" He goes, "I saw you and your daughter driving down the street, and I heard this -"
[makes a thumping noise]
Bill: I said, "That was me stomping on the imaginary brake on my side of the car.
Bill: I took my family on an RV trip last summer. I thought RV stood for "recreational vehicle." No. It stands for "ruins vacations." I had never driven one of these things. Dear God, It's 35 feet long, 8 feet wide, and got 2 mirrors that stick out 3 feet on each side. Good Lord, I was like a passenger trying to land a 747. I'm weaving all over the road. I'm getting flipped off by kids in car seats, all right? Don't know why they put a reverse on these dumb things. I never learned to back it up. If I pulled into a Quickie Mart too far past the pump to get gas there was no backing up. It was, go all the way around the block and try again. Thank God I wasn't the only one. Sometimes there would be 7 or 8 of us just circling that Quickie Mart just like a white trash road race.
Bill: My litle girl is 16. She's at that age where she's in her room listening to her stereo, online with her friends, and boys are starting to call. Oh, my God. We had a kid call the house at 2 in the morning. I lost it. First off, I'm sound asleep in la-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like, "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realized it's my phone, I'm already ticked off. I went, "Hello!" And this little voice goes, "Is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull you will hang up this phone up right now!" And my wife goes, "Bill, you gotta be nice." I said, "No, ma'am, nice stops at midnight." She said, "What will you do when these little boys come over?" I said, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I'm gonna whisper in his ear. I'm gonna say, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That's my only little girl. She's my life. So if you have any thought about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison."
Larry The Cable Guy: Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...
Jeff: This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.
[starts to cry]
Jeff: I'm so proud!
Jeff: If you missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: [during Jeff's "You Might Be a Redneck"] If you have ever ridden an electric floor buffer...
Bill: [raising his hand, embarrassed] All right, wait, wait, WAIT! Tequila was involved, GET OFF ME!
Jeff: [turning to Ron White] I wonder how many times his wife has said that!
[high fives from Ron and Larry the Cable Guy]
[after re-telling the story of a Georgia man who had his nipple bitten off by a beaver]
Jeff: It is so rare that I am at a loss for words, the only response I could come up with was, I said "I'll bet that is the first time in history the headline of the paper could include the words 'beaver' and 'nipple' and nobody would be offended by it."
[finishing off "Here's Your Sign"]
Bill: But the best one... The best one I've seen yet happened in Los Angeles, California. I got stuck behind a big rig that wedged his trailer up underneath an overpass and me and the trucker are waiting on the side of the road on the tow truck driver. Well, the highway patrolman pulls up and looks at the guy's rig and he looks at the trucker and I'm thinking, "Oh, Dear God, he can't say it," 'cause I'll start laughing. Sure enough, he goes, "You get your truck stuck?" And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he goes: "Nope. I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas. Here's your sign."
Bill: [while the guys are all getting individual spa treatments] Larry remember, when you have to go to the bathroom, get out of the tub!
Larry The Cable Guy: [Farts] Too late!
Jeff: If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
Bill: [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
Jeff: Why, did that happen to you?
Bill: No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: Let me guess, one of your relatives.
Bill: My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
[cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
Jeff: Mama sure looks good, don't she?
[Ron joins him]
Ron White: That ain't Mama.
[Larry joins them]
Larry The Cable Guy: No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
[Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
Larry The Cable Guy: Forgot my beer.
Jeff: [telling a redneck joke on Bill] If you ever emptied the bed of your truck by backing up real fast and slamming on the brakes...
Bill: [Raises his hand] That's how we moved!
Jeff: You might be a redneck.
Bill: [about trying to quit smoking] I tried everything. I tried the gum, I couldn't keep it lit... I tried the patches, they pulled the skin off my lips... Finally my wife goes "Why don't you try acupuncture?" and I go "Woah woah woah woah!" I go "is that where they screw those little needles into ya" she goes "Yeah" and I go "Why don't you try waking up? I'm not gonna let somebody screw little needles into me" she goes "Bill it's your last option". So we found this lady, her name was Dr. Chang. I had one question for Dr. Chang, anybody know what that question would have been?
Bill: Does it hurt.
Bill: Does it hurt. She goes:
Bill: "Oh no. It no huurt." From a door 3 feet away from me I hear a grown man go "OW OW!" And I go "What was that?" and she goes "Oh, he big baby!" I said "weil I'm a big baby!" So the next thing I know I'm lying on this bed in my underwear, she has screwed a needle into the top of my head, three in each earlobe, one in each pec, one in each of my shins and three between each of my toes. And I'm lying on that bed thinking "Dear God I could use a cigarette right now!" And I can hear her and her partner talking in Chinese, but I don't speak Chinese. And then they start laughing and I'm like "Oh my god! They're filming this!" So she comes in at the half-hour mark. I think she's gonna take the needles out... *No.* She puts a cotton ball on each of the ones in my legs, lights it on fire and *leaves the room!* Well now I'm freakin' out, man, because all I can see is smoke drifting up from between my legs, and I cannot inhale it, Okey-dokey? Finally at the hour mark she comes in, she takes the needles out and goes
Bill: You come back tomorrow for another treatment. I said "Well let's just book that right now! Hey after that I'll schedule a prostate exam, just be a big ol' day for me!" So I put my ball cap on, I'm gonna go home and take a shower 'cause I've sweated through this whole ordeal. I get home, I'm standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror and I took my cap off and I went "Ow ow!" *SHE LEFT THE NEEDLE IN MY HEAD!*
Bill: [extended version] I swear to God. And I am freakin' out, man because I look like Cindy Lou Who with that little antenna that comes out of her head. And I don't know if there's like an Oriental way I've gotta pull it out and if I do it wrong my whole body's gonna go oh-gah-ooohruhruh... So I called her and I go "Dr. Chang you left the needle in my head!" and she goes
Bill: Oh don't be big baby, just pull it out!"
Bill: If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there's a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, WSSH! They're gonna snatch it away!
Jeff: Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
[about rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance]
Jeff: I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more air time than a skateboard at the X-Games."
Jeff: In defense of my in-laws, my in-laws are nuts. But I know why they're nuts. It's because a long time ago, they turned to each other and said "Hey, why don't we have children?"
Jeff: In the Atlanta airport- I live in Atlanta; you know where you go through the metal detectors? In the Atlanta airport, they have now built a giant Plexiglass box that contains all of the things they will no longer allow in your carry-on luggage. And in that box, there is a *leaf blower*... and a Coleman latern.
Jeff: So if you are an international yardman that likes to work nights, you are SOL right now. A leaf blower! Who is hijacking an airplane with a leaf blower? "You turn this plane around, or I mess your hair up so bad, your mother will never recognize you!"
Jeff: I always felt like you couldn't talk about rednecks unless you are one, and I are one.
Jeff: You know what? Growing up, I didn't know that's what I was. And now, looking back, it was oh so obvious.
Jeff: Ya'll, I'm not making this up. My entire childhood, the mailbox in front of our house had the letters "M-A-L-E" painted on the side of it.
Jeff: And by the time I was in the eleventh grade, I was like "that ain't right! That 'm' is supposed to be capitalized, isn't it?"
Jeff: That is a true story. When I was in the third grade, my uncle did that as a joke. And NOBODY got it.
[about his wife's cousin getting married]
Jeff: We had my wife's entire family together for the rehearsal dinner at *Hooter's*.
Jeff: [trying not to laugh] If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'! And our waitress was uh... was qualified to work there.
Jeff: As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure she was on a scholarship.
Jeff: But the first time she walked up to the table, my wife's uncle Bud looked at her and went "Whoo ooh! Where'd you get them things, girl?"
[laughter; Jeff gives a bewildered look, then pantomimes covering his face in embarrassment]
Jeff: And I thought she was gonna get mad. And she didn't, she was so cool. She said, "I bought 'em."
Jeff: And then Bud's wife Lois said "You know, I've been thinking about buying me some."
Jeff: And Bud turned to Lois and said "You are *sixty-two* years old. You getting a boob job would be like hanging a new chandelier in a haunted house!"
Jeff: And she said "Well, I figured if I put some new lights in the house, you might stay in it longer than two minutes."
Jeff: My children share these genes.
Jeff: I would rather take a beating with a brick stick than take kids in the grocery store.
Jeff: Do you know why women are able to train us? They are smarter than us.
[cheers and applause from female audience members]
Jeff: It ain't that big a deal. That's saying you're smarter than a creature who every time it takes its underwear off tries to catch them with its toes, flip them in the air, and catch them with its hand.
Jeff: You are smarter than that.
[about trying to quit smoking]
Bill: Anybody who's ever tried to quit knows exactly what I'm talking about.
[cheers and applause]
Bill: It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?"
Bill: [smugly] 'Cause you can't.
Bill: [Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
Bill: I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
Ron White: Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah...
Bill: Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long!
Jeff: That is beautiful, did you just make that up?
Bill: Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show.
[Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers]
Bill: That's where they compare things...
[Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five]
Bill: So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?"
[Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands in 'scouts honor']
Bill: I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign!
Jeff: I hate to stop you, 'cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?"
[audience cracks up]
Jeff: I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy: [very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders."
[Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault]
Jeff: I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up...
Larry The Cable Guy: No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!"
[audience and cast crack up]
Larry The Cable Guy: My grandma, is uh, covered in moles.
[cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show]
Larry The Cable Guy: No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill: I don't think he's kidding!
[Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy: No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs.
Jeff: Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy: They had 'em there.
Jeff: I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy: [laughing] Get well soon!
Larry The Cable Guy: Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign!
[audience cheers and claps]
Ron White: Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?"
[Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture]
Ron White: Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign!
Jeff: [after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one?
Bill: Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Jeff: [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Ron White: He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions.
Jeff: He a over-achiever.
Larry The Cable Guy: I don't know about all that, but...
[Bill cracks up laughing]
Larry The Cable Guy: Hey, Bill, tell 'em about the one you done did over there in whatcha callit
Jeff: Yeah, Bill, tell them about the one you done did over in that deal there.
Ron White: I got in last night, and some guys wanted to take me to a topless bar. I didn't want to go,
[audience cracks up]
Ron White: but I ended up going, cause you guys will back me up on this, you've seen one woman nekid... you wanna see the rest of them nekid! It can be an old biker chick, you know, they're gonna hang down to here. 'Wanna see me nekid?' Yeah, I do!
[Waits a few seconds]
Ron White: All right, roll 'em back up now! I've seen enough.
[Ron does pantomime of rolling her breasts up like rolling a cigarette]
Ron White: Things that make you go buhhhh!
Larry The Cable Guy: Her horse got a broken leg and I had to shoot it. So now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound.
Larry The Cable Guy: I don't know what you shoot it for. I guess it helps the healing process. If it ain't better tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot it again, I'll tell you that right now.
Ron White: In Texas we have the death penalty, and WE USE IT!
Ron White: That's right! If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy!
Jeff: If you think a 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: If you have a full set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on the side, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: If you think "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn, you might be a redneck.
Bill: My daughter's right in the middle, which is where you want them to be I think. She's friends with the popular kids, she's friends with the unpopular kids, which is cool, until they bring home one of their friends that you don't see eye to eye with. Like, the other day she brought home a friend who's into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. I'm sorry, didn't we used to call that "Halloween"? She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this:
[Bill cracks up laughing and points]
Bill: But, I'm trying to be nice to her because she's my daughter's friend. My daughter says, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy." I said, "Well, hey Lucy... fer! She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."
Ron White: I guess we'd been floating down that river for an hour before I realized everybody's just peeing on themselves. And I thought: "Hell, I'll just pee on myself." Everybody got mad at me. Course, I was in a canoe. Standing up too. Not everybody got mad. A couple people viewed it as a photo opportunity. And I know that cause I got their Christmas card last year. I don't remember it being that *cold* that afternoon.
Bill: God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
Bill: My son developed this really bad habit. He would come to my side of the bed and he'd get that close to my face. And just stare at me. You ever get that feeling when you know you're being watched? He's be like: "Dad... Dad... Da-" "What? What? What?" He starts crying. My wife goes, "You scared him!" I'm like, "Hell, he scared me! Jesus, put a bell round his neck!"
Jeff: If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour, you might be a redneck.
Jeff: If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
Ron White: Yesterday I'm sitting in a bean bag chair, naked and eating Cheetos.
[pauses while audience cracks up]
Ron White: I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televanglist from Dallas, and he said this: He said, 'Are you lonely?'
Ron White: ...Yeah. He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"
[Ron takes drink of scotch]
Ron White: This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos!"
Ron White: [Ron dead stops, face frozen] *Yes, sir!* "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second.
Larry The Cable Guy: I had a rough night. I had a dream that I drank the world's biggest margarita, and I woke up - there was salt around the toilet bowl. That's not good right there. Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm at the bottom, I'll tell you that right now.
Larry The Cable Guy: You know what they got now? Edible undershorts? Whose idea was that? "What do you wanna do tonight, baby?" "Let me eat your undershorts." HEY BABY, PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THE FRIDGE, I-MA MAKE ME A SAMMICH LATER!"
Jeff: Men, if you have a wife, a girlfriend, or a daughter, you are being trained. And just cause they aren't doing it with a cattle prod does not mean it isn't working. I'll tell you when I first realized I was being trained. I've been married to a wonderful woman for seventeen years; it was about year five when I realized it. We were lying in bed reading, when she just says, "I'm hot." And I closed *my* book. Got out of bed. Went over to the wall, and turned the ceiling fan. I got about halfway back before, whoa!
[bewildered expression on Jeff's face]
Jeff: I wasn't hot! And I swear to god the next day she called her mother and was like, "Momma, it is working so well! I just had to say it, and he got up and turned the ceiling fan on for me!" And her mother was like, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone so you can tell him, but I just said I'm hungry about twenty minutes ago, and he went into town to get me something to eat!"
Jeff: If you think N'Sync is where your dirty dishes are, you might be a redneck.
Ron White: So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight. Couldn't make it with that equipment. He came over the intercom and said "Hey, we're losing oil pressure in one of the engines," which I couldn't understand why he did, because he could have just turned around and said, "Hey, we're losing oil pressure." *"heard'ja"* Everyone else started freaking out, but I had been drinking since lunchtime, so I was like "Take it down! I don't care! Make sure y you hit something hard, 'cause I don't want to limp away from this!" The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to "live for". He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour! We're haulin' ass!"
Ron White: [On DeBeer's diamond slogans] The new slogan now is "Diamonds: Render her speechless." Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds: That'll shut her up... for a minute."
Jeff: If you ever used a barstool for a walker...
[Everyone looks at Ron, who slowly raises his hand]
Jeff: You might be a redneck.
Jeff: If you wear a dress that's strapless with a bra that isn't, you might be-
[Ron points to Larry, who has raised his hand, his head hung in embarrassment]
Jeff: Try to envision that when you fall asleep tonight.
Soda Vendor: So, who's the actor in this group?
Ron White: Oh, there are no actors. Believe me, this is an actor-free enviorment.
Jeff: The question you get asked most as a comedian is "where do you come up with material?" And I think the honest answer, at least for us, is the best stuff is not stuff you make up. It's true stuff.
Jeff: I do have a few new redneck words for you. First one - "mayonnaise." "Mayonnaise a lot of people here this evening." It's kind of a gift. They come to me in my sleep. I write them down. Brand new one: "aorta." "Aorta cut that grass down by the ballfield so the kids don't get hurt." Is this not the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life? "Initiate." "My wife ate two hamburgers, initiate
[an' then she ate]
Jeff: a bag of potato chips." And last but not least: "widjadidja." "You didn't bring your truck widjadidja?"
[about a Georgia man who had his nipple bitten off by a beaver]
Jeff: They found this animal. He picked it up by the *tail*. And he said "look, it ain't even cut up or bloody or nothin'!" And apparently, "nothing" is the word that brings a beaver back to conciousness. Because that was about the moment the beaver reached out and bit his nipple off.
Jeff: Did not bite it, bit it off. O-F-F, off, bit it off. That is a new kind of hurt right there.
Bill: If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy... you might be a redneck!
[cast and crowd laughs]
Jeff: I'm just guessing one of your relatives.
Bill: My uncle Jack. I swear to you, Jeff, we were sitting... We weren't even outside. We were in the church. The reverend had just finished the eulogy and we heard:
[imitates the sound of opening a can of beer]
Bill: And we look in the back, he's sitting there with a beer and he goes, "What?"
Jeff: [Jeff gets up and starts acting like he is drunk and imagines approaching a coffin during a wake] "Mama looks good, don't she?"
[cast and crowd laughs]
Ron White: [Ron joins him as another drunk relative looking at the imaginary coffin] "That ain't Mama!"
[cast and crowd laugh]
Larry The Cable Guy: [Larry now joins Jeff & Ron as yet another drunk relative and approaches the imaginary coffin] "No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off!"
[cast and crowd laugh out loud]