Hollywood Homicide (2003)
Van Family Son: We're gonna die. I know we're going to die.
K.C.: Yes, actually. We, we will die.
Van Family Mom: No, you're not gonna die.
K.C.: I don't mean right now.
[Opens up Gavilan's burger bag only to find that his cheeseburger has lettuce and mayonnaise, and the meat wasn't done enough]
Joe Gavilan: Hey, you. Come here. I see mayonnaise. Did anybody in this hear me say the word "Mayonnaise"? Read your notes. What does it say? "Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, ketchup, pickle". You call that well done? In addition to the mayonnaise, I see lettuce... Lettuce that somebody tried to scrape off here. This is a disaster. What the hell do they teach you at the Academy anyway? You wanna be a detective when you grow up?
Cheeseburger Cop: Yes, sir.
Joe Gavilan: Don't call me "sir!" I work for a living. Dump this for me please. I expect better.
Hank the Bartender: [Hands them their drinks] The doctor's in. Help is on its way.
K.C.: Thanks, Hank. Something wrong, Joe?
Joe Gavilan: What do ya mean, "Something Wrong?"
K.C.: You seem down.
Joe Gavilan: Down? Me?
Joe Gavilan: We've been partners for what, four months, and now you wanna be my shrink?
K.C.: Sometimes it helps to talk. That's all I'm saying.
Joe Gavilan: All right. Let me paint you a picture. Portrait of Joe Gavilan. Seven, eight years ago, I sold off the results of my entrepreneurial efforts up to that point: Three tanning salons and two original silk-tip nail parlors in the Antelope Valley, and I started attending weekend Real Estate seminars at the Airport Hyatt. You know, "How to Make $1 Million in Real Estate with Very Little Money Down."
K.C.: Sounds good.
Joe Gavilan: Started out with a condo in Sherman Oaks. Slapped some paint on the walls. Refaced the kitchen cabinets. Traded up to a smoke-damaged ranch in Tarzana, then a Spanish on Outpost, and a fake Mediterranean in Los Feliz. Pretty soon, I had everything I've got tied up in this... this monstrosity... on Mt. Olympus, at the corner of Hercules and, I shit you not, Achilles.
K.C.: So what's the problem?
Joe Gavilan: The problem is if I don't score a big commission or get rid of this... piece of shit on Mt. Olympus... well, the word *Titanic* comes to mind.
Joe Gavilan: Looks like we're gonna be here for a while. Let's get going on some chow.
Joe Gavilan: [to Cop] Cheeseburger, well done. Onion, pickle, NO mayo... no rabbit food. O.K.?
K.C.: I'll have the same.
K.C.: How did you find me?
Joe Gavilan: I'm psychic.
K.C.: [amazed] Really?
Joe Gavilan: No, not really. I'm a detective for Pete's sake.
K.C.: I don't think I want to be a cop anymore.
Joe Gavilan: Then what do you want to be?
K.C.: I want to be an actor.
Joe Gavilan: [shrugs] You're gay. I can deal with that.
K.C.: I know you're gonna say it's none of my business, but when's the last time you got laid?
Joe Gavilan: None of your business.
Joe Gavilan: If I take my gingko... I can still remember where I put the Viagra.
K.C.: It's not about the sex.
[Joe Gavilan just looks at him]
K.C.: OK, so I got into it for the sex, but it's not about that anymore.
K.C.: Well, what do you think?
Joe Gavilan: Write this down.
[K.C. grabs his pad and pen]
Joe Gavilan: Cheeseburger, well done. Raw onion, pickle, ketchup. Nothing else.
K.C.: Got it. Officer, it's time to get rolling on some chow. This is what the big dog wants, and I want tomato and cucumber on whole wheat with only mustard and bean sprouts.
[On the phone with a buyer changing his mind about buying a house on Mt. Olympus]
Joe Gavilan: What do you mean you ain't coming? I give you first shot at makin' me an offer on this beautiful four-bedroom Mount Olympus, and you leave me sitting here for two hours and now you tell me you ain't - Hello?
[Hangs up his cell phone]
Joe Gavilan: Shit.
Leon: Joe. K.C.
Joe and K.C.: Hey, Leon.
Leon: Hey. I'm making you two primaries on this disaster. Since you made no progress in the Klepto murder, I figure you're due.
K.C.: Thanks for the confidence.
Leon: Yeah, no problem.
Joe Gavilan: Yes, Yes, I do understand the rights you just explained to me. But you know what? I don't like to remain silent, and I do not need an attorney because this is all BULLSHIT!
[looks out two-way mirror]
Joe Gavilan: AND YOU CAN PUT THAT ON THE RECORD!
Joe Gavilan: I got more time in the third-floor crapper than you do on the job, pal. You can't open my locker without a search warrant. I know my rights.
Lt. Bennie Macko: Well, I appreciate a man who knows his rights.
[Hands Joe the search warrant]
Lt. Bennie Macko: There you go.
Lt. Bennie Macko: I've got arrest warrants for Gavlian and Calden right here. Hey, separate them! I don't want them talking to anybody! Nobody talks to them until they get downtown. Christ! Shit!
Leon: Shut up and turn around, Bennie!
Lt. Bennie Macko: What?
Leon: Cuff his ass and take him downtown.
Lt. Bennie Macko: What are you talking about?
[a couple of LAPD cops grab Bennie and arrest him]
Lt. Bennie Macko: [argrly] Get your hands off me, you son-of-a-bitch. You're making a big mistake, pal. You can kiss your career goodbye!
Lt. Bennie Macko: [to Detective Zino] Call my lawyer!
[Joe and K.C. leave the L.A.P.D. Parker Center Station]
Joe Gavilan: What the hell is going on? Did you say anything in there?
K.C.: Of course not. You?
Joe Gavilan: My phone wouldn't stop ringing.
Leon: Joe! K.C.!
Joe Gavilan: This is insane. Can you figure this out?
Leon: [angry] No... but I played my last card buying you a couple of hours, so YOU can figure it out!
[Joe crashes K.C.'s Ford Mustang into Sartian's Cadillac Escalade, causing a huge collision at the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and Orange Drive]
K.C.: [breahless] Nice driving.
Joe Gavilan: Sorry.
Joe Gavilan: This is a set up
[he walks towards the interrogation room mirror]
Joe Gavilan: and it will not hold up.
I.A. Detective Jackson: [talking to K.C] And I'm sure Joe Gavilan is next door right now maintaining complete professional integrity.
Joe Gavilan: [banging against the mirror] And You Know It!
Cleo Ricard: I'm testifying against you Joe because I like you.
Jerry Duran: [after having a disagreement on the price of his house with Julies Armas] Good day, gents, asshole!
Joe Gavilan: Goddammit! Idiot! That's it! That's it! I'm driving! That's it!
K.C.: All right, all right fine! You think you can do better? Go ahead, be my guest!
Joe Gavilan: Dammnit! Trying to kill us!
K.C.: All right, go!
Joe Gavilan: Idiot!
K.C.: Go ahead!
Shooting Practice Announcer: Shooters step up to the 20 yard line.
[K.C. has trouble shooting his target during shooting practice, so Joe shoots his and K.C.'s at the same time]
K.C.: Thanks Joe.
Antoine Sartain: It's just a game, nothing but a game.
Joe Gavilan: Well we've got four mama's boys down at the morgue. It wasn't a game last night.
[inside Lieutenant Macko's office discussing about Gavlian]
I.A. Detective Zino: Here's what we got on Gavilan so far: First of all, he's still seeing Cleo Ricard. In fact, he saw her earlier today.
Lt. Bennie Macko: God, he does this right in my face. He's just completely defiant.
I.A. Detective Jackson: Yeah, well he's clearly continuing to work her as an informant.
Lt. Bennie Macko: Yeah, I know. That's enough to relieve him of duty right there, but, you know, I don't want him relieved of duty. I want him to hang.
I.A. Detective Zino: Well his financials don't add up. He's paying off three ex-wives. He's got two kids.
Lt. Bennie Macko: He's got two kids in a fancy college. He's got a great, big house. He's got that big stupid car, you know? What about his Real-Estate thing?
I.A. Detective Zino: Well, he hasn't made a sale in ages.
Lt. Bennie Macko: Well, my source tells me he's getting money from somewhere to keep it afloat, so get me more surveillance.
I.A. Detective Zino: Okay.
I.A. Detective Jackson: All righty.
[Detectives Zino and Jackson showing pictures of Gavilan]
I.A. Detective Zino: That's Gavilan with Marty Wheeler, attorney for the music business, gambling industry. Sleazeball. You know him.
I.A. Detective Jackson: [hands another picture to Bennie] Here's Gavilan drinking on duty. We got photos, date, time stamped.
Lt. Bennie Macko: [turning bored] Yeah, okay, this is not criminal. I need criminal shit.
I.A. Detective Zino: Well, boss, this may not be criminal shit, but, um...
[Det. Jackson hands photos of Bennie ex-wife, Ruby; Bennie chuckles, then turns cross]
Lt. Bennie Macko: What is this?
[inside Lt. Macko's office]
Joe Gavilan: Commingling funds, huh? That's my crime? Commingling? Guilty. My alimony number one comes from money commingled with my beer money. My refinanced car commingled with the short-term loan to keep the second mortgage paid off, commingled with my alimony number three, commingled with every goddamn dime I've got tied up in my Mt. Olympus property. My whole life's commingled.
Lt. Bennie Macko: We'll, I glad you brought up the property on Mt. Olympus. You're attemping to sell it without disclosing you also own it.
Joe Gavilan: This isn't about real estate, is it, Bennie?