Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God. He shit everywhere. There's shit everywhere! Damnit! There's shit on the windows! Oh, my God! My house is full of shit! He shit everywhere! Look what he did! He shit all over the walls! There's shit everywhere!
Mrs. Dunne: Hey, fellas, it's getting kind of late. Come on.
Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top?
Harry Dunne: Only if I can be on bottom.
Lloyd Christmas: All Right!
Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn't you tell me?
Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.
Ray: What are you crazy boys doing in my tool shed?
Lloyd Christmas: We're not crazy, dad. We're special, and Principal Collins wants us to have our own special class room.
Ray: [Happy] My boy's special! How about that!
Ray: I knew you were different!
Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth!
Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!
Lloyd Christmas: You know, you're the first person I ever brought here, Harry.
Harry Dunne: Is this your special place?
Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Yeah. Saves time. Out with the old, in with the new.
[Harry is about to throw away Lloyd's chipped tooth]
Lloyd: No! Wait - save it for the Tooth Fairy.
Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy.
Lloyd: No way! Your mom's the Tooth Fairy?
Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I'm asleep.
Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I'm Lloyd Christmas.
Harry: Well, I'll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom's the Tooth Fairy and you're dad's Santa Claus!
Lloyd Christmas: There's gonna be chicks all over us. It's gonna be so faggy, I don't think I can stand it.
Principal Collins: You know, Honey... I think I've finally figured out a way to bilk this school out of enough money to get us that condo in Waikiki.
Ms. Heller: How, Sweet Baby? You've done it all.
Principal Collins: Small potatoes. This is the big one. This is visionary. This idea is genius.
[Ms. Heller giggles]
Principal Collins: Look at this. The "Richard Moffitt Special Needs Grant".
Ms. Heller: Mm-hmm.
Principal Collins: This Moffitt guy used to be in a Special Needs program, & then he learns to string a couple of sentences together and now he's some big hotshot. Anyway, the State is giving 100 Grand in his name to every school that has a Special Needs Class.
Ms. Heller: This is fantastic!
Principal Collins: Mm-hmm.
Ms. Heller: All we have to do is *kill* this Moffitt guy, & we get all the money.
Principal Collins: No.
[Ms. Heller sighs]
Principal Collins: No. What we need is to set up a *fake* Special Needs Class.
Ms. Heller: We start our own class.
Principal Collins: Problem is, where do we find kids... we can pass off as "Special"?
Lloyd Christmas: O.k., that's high enough! Thanks, Turk.
Harry Dunne: I'm flying! Woo-hoo! So this is what a flag sees all day.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.
Harry Dunne: And your friend Turk is totally great.
Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, he's Aces, huh?
[to Turk, below]
Lloyd Christmas: Hey, thanks, Turk! We're so high!
Principal Collins: Bingo.
[Turk comes up behind Lloyd and grabs him in a Head-Lock. Lloyd introduces him to Harry]
Lloyd: This is my Mohawk friend, Turk. He's part of the "Cool Crowd".
Lloyd: Hey, Kimosabe!
Turk: Shut up, Ass-Face.
Lloyd: That's the Iroquois name he gave me for having the strong face of an ass.
Harry: I like your flight suit.
Ray: I'm a custodian.
Harry: Well then...
Harry Dunne: [Harry is covered in mud and hit by Jessica's dad's car] Charlie!
Jessica's Dad: Oh, my God... it's you... you're the guy that crapped up my house! What are you... you're covered in *shit*! My car's covered in *shit*!
Harry Dunne: No, no, no, no... It's not that?
[gets off the hood and starts to walk off]
Jessica's Dad: There's crap all over my hood! You got feces all over my mercedes! It's in my grill! My car's covered in shit!
Lloyd: Who's that?
Harry Dunne: That's Jessica's Dad. She says he's really anal.
Lloyd: [Winces, disgusted] Ew... ugh, that's gross.
Jessica's Dad: [as they walk off, fading out] Get back here! I'm not cleaning this up! I'm gonna have to have this towed! Are you out of your mind? What is it with you and *fecal* matter?
Turk: So were you held back two years like Lloyd?
Harry Dunne: No, I was held back three.
Lloyd Christmas: By your mom?
[Lewis is getting his mascot's head taken off]
Harry Dunne: Whoa! The half boy / half horse.
Lloyd Christmas: Oh! That's more of what we're looking for.
Harry Dunne: He's *super* special.
Lewis: Well... I mean, I got to get a job anyway. So if I - if I sign your thing, I can just come and go whenever I want to?
Lloyd Christmas: You were born free, and free you shall remain.
Turk: [after Harry and Jessica and Harry finish talking] Hey Harry, did Jessica give you that banana in your pocket?
Harry Dunne: No, my mom did!
Harry Dunne: [pulls out of pocket]
Harry Dunne: Want some?
Turk: [saying discustedly] NO!
Jessica's Mom: [Jessica's Mom notices Harry is digging into the dinner rolls she has prepared] I see you like my rolls.
Harry: [Stares at Jessica's Mom] Yeah. I like a woman with some meat on her bones.
Ms. Heller: The band sounds awful.
Principal Collins: Ha ha. I sold the wood instruments for Hawaiian Air tickets.
Lloyd: Whoa! Look at Jessica, look at her milk bubbles, and her shorts are really short!
Harry Dunne: I know...
Lloyd: Yea, last time I wore shorts that short, I got beat up!
Mr. Moffitt: I can turn all the faucets on in my house. Even the hose.