Comedian: The equivalent for a normal person would be to go into work each day in your underwear and try and do your job that you normally do. All of a sudden you can't do anything. That's how a comedian feels when he's doing a new bit.
Comedian: See, I'm not a 100% confident about this stuff and that's what kills me. If you're not 100% behind this you can't sell it.
Comedian: [showing his folders of jokes] If I'm doing a show and being Jewish, I can pull out the Jewish stuff. If I want to do dating, I can do dating.
Comedian: My parents retired to South Florida. They're gone now, but I'll tell you the truth, I have a beef with South Florida. I'll tell you, I don't know what it is. I'm sick about it, bitter. I sent two healthy 65-year old parents to South Florida. 30 years later - dead! I mean what is it, the water, the air - it's a death camp!
Comedian: Last year I thought I had lupus, has that happened to you yet? I was on the bus and I saw an ad, "Chances are that somebody on the bus has lupus." I look around, I'm the only one on the bus.
Comedian: [Pointing to that day's paper] Read this paragraph to me. Right there, now don't touch it.
Montreal Waitress: Oh I'm sorry. "Young standup comedian Orny Adams destroy, is that you?
[Orny shows his ID badge]
Montreal Waitress: Orny Adams, is that your real name? Get out of town. No mom would name their child Orny Adams.
Comedian: What a cocksucker. He's such a cock, he doesn't know the F-he's talking about.
Other Appearance: Why?
Comedian: I'm going to sit there and let that guy talk to me like that?
Other Appearance: Wasn't, he didn't say anything bad, he just told you to relax. That's what I've been telling you. Just relax. Enjoy what's been happening.
Comedian: I'm going to start doing to what George does just sit there and smile.
Other Appearance: There's nothing he said that I would refute.
Comedian: I was huge. Bigger than life. I could be anywhere in the world.
Comedian: [Cut to the airport] Nothing makes sense. I should be at St. Bart's. Nothing makes sense.
[Cut back to the stage, in a depressing tone]
Comedian: I'm in a comedy club in Cleveland.
[Back to airport]
Comedian: But that's what's working.