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American Wedding (2003) Poster

Quotes

Steve Stifler: Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

Steve Stifler: Dickhead. You do not send shit to my office at school.

Jim: Oh, hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in and make yourself comfortable?

Steve Stifler: Your letter made a great impression on Coach Marshall when he read it. Let me just refresh your memory, partner. 'Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar'.

Jim: I put serious thought into that letter.

Steve Stifler: Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Steve Stifler: Happy "Fuck Day", Ass Mouth.

Steve Stifler: [about having sex with Cadence] I'm gonna be like, "You like this shit Momma?" And then she'll be like, "Fuckin' right doggie. Suck on my nipples like, like you're milkin' a cow."

Stifler: Hey, Mr. Party Guy, how ya doin'? Ya havin' a good time? Can I get ya a Gin and Tonic? Ring-Ring, oh hold on. Hello? Yeah? Haha! It's for you, it's GET TO WORK, FUCKER!

Steve Stifler: Observe the fuckin' Stifmeister, what is his defining characteristic?

Jim: He uses the F-word excessively?

Steve Stifler: [grins] Thanks man.

Paul Finch: Grandmother-fucker.

Steve Stifler: Mother fucker.

Paul Finch: Yes I am.

Steve Stifler: Oh, you son of a bitch.

Jim: Alright, Stifler. Um, this... this is a little, uh, difficult to explain. Look, you're... you're okay. You're okay. I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.

Steve Stifler: Yeah, great. You can blow me after practice. I'm working, dude.

Jim: Well, dude.

Steve Stifler: [Jim and Stifler are both on the tackling sled] Come on. Work it! Hustle!

Jim: See my mom didn't know that there was a misunderstanding.

Steve Stifler: Push it! Move it! Come on!

Jim: You're not invited!

Steve Stifler: Hold!

[Jim and Stifler jump off the sled]

Steve Stifler: Dude, how the hell do you even think you're getting married? I've been looking out for your sex life since high school.

Jim: You what?

Steve Stifler: Ohhhh! Ohh! The first tits this guy ever saw were because of me. The first girl he ever hooked up with was at my party at my cottage. That girl is the girl he's marrying. The Stif-man showed him the way. Can I get a 'Hallelujah'?

Football Team: Hallelujah, Stifler!

Steve Stifler: But, my fuckers, this mofo right here does not want the Stifmeister, the grand fucking facilitator to attend the wedding. Who sucks donkey dick?

Football Team: [chanting] Jim sucks donkey dick!

Jim: The answer is no. Okay? I'm sorry!

Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Jim: What?

Steve Stifler: I can dance.

Steve Stifler: It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.

Paul Finch: Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.

Steve Stifler: They're gay?

Paul Finch: No, you bleating imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.

Steve Stifler: So, they're gay.

[first lines]

Jim: Well, Michelle, we did it. Happy graduation.

Steve Stifler: Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?

[Hits Finch in the groin]

Steve Stifler: Bang-cock.

Michelle: Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.

Stifler: My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

[to Stifler, after he has been 'caught with his pants down']

Grandma: Focus.

Stifler: It's on like Donkey Kong, beeyotch.

Steve Stifler: [chanting] Gonna hava sex witha Caadence.

Steve Stifler: Told ya that guy wanted to fuck me.

Steve Stifler: Shhiittt, I got a frosted ass crack! Hey Finch, you want this for here, or to go?

Paul Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.

Steve Stifler: "Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Paul Finch: Stifler, why in the world are you focused on me ?

Stifler: Because I'm surprised to see you don't have tits.

Steve Stifler: Jim's getting married, isn't he? Holy fuckin' shit! This is major! Do you have the slightest idea of how important this is? We get to have a bachelor party. Yes! We celebrate the death of Jim with a party in his honor. Chicks and boobs. Tits and ass. Titties, ta-tas, casabas, bazoongas all up in our friggin' faces! Come on, buck up fellas. Show some enthusiasm. It's gonna be fuckin' great. Oh, my god!

Jim's Dad: [Jim's father arrives at the restaurant just as Michelle is secretly giving Jim a blow job] Here's the ring, son.

Jim: Ohh.

Jim's Dad: Let me tell you something, this is some ring. Look at the rock on this baby, Mister Big Spender. I hope you didn't blow your wad on this, son.

Jim: Not yet.

Jim's Dad: Your mother and I could not be more thrilled for you, Jim. I mean, we're so happy, and I know you're excited. I can see it in your face. I mean, you look like you're ready to burst.

Jim: Uh, huh.

Jim's Dad: I mean, your cheeks, they're flushed. I wish your mother could be here.

Jim: Not me.

Paul Finch: [Unrated] Hey Stifler, why dont you grow a sack, fill it with some balls, magically sprout a dick and start fucking yourself in the ass?

Bear: SO Stiffy, What do you think?

Steve Stifler: What the fuck Buffalo Bill?

Bear: What? Too much pink?

Steve Stifler: It puts the dress in the drawer and does as it's told.

Bear: Oh now that's fucked up... THAT'S FUCKED UP!

Jim's Dad: Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?

Michelle: I don't know. I just call it "boning".

Jim's Dad: Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?

Michelle: Horny, like I wanna bone.

Jim's Dad: But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Michelle: Oh, you've never tried it?

Jim's Dad: I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

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[last lines]

Paul Finch: Oh, Stifler's Mom!

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Paul Finch: Stifler's Mom...

Stifler's Mom: You've got to know I'm over you, Finchy.

Paul Finch: Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris.

Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.

Paul Finch: And the car.

Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs...

Paul Finch: Oh, man. Let's go!

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Michelle: How did a little perv like you, turn into such a great guy?

Jim: How did a little nympho like you, turn into such a great girl?

Michelle: I'm still a nympho.

Jim: Well, I'm still a perv.

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[repeated line]

Steve Stifler: Fuckin' right, doggie!

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Steve Stifler: Dick. 'Fucking hate not hating you.

Paul Finch: I did fuck your mom.

[smiling]

Paul Finch: Twice...

Steve Stifler: Hoo... That's better fucker.

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Paul Finch: But, as they say, "We'll always have Paris."

Stifler's Mom: And the pool table.

Paul Finch: And the car.

Stifler's Mom: And the two-room suite I have upstairs.

Paul Finch: Come on you.

[pulling her to the staircase]

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[At the wedding]

Paul Finch: Grandmotherfucker.

Steve Stifler: Motherfucker.

Paul Finch: [smiling] Yes, I am.

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Jim's Dad: Son, step away from the animal...

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Steve Stifler: If you'll excuse me, I have some shit to attend to.

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Michelle: So Finch, what will you do with your fancy NYU diploma?

Paul Finch: I'll frame it. Then I'll write my memoirs.

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[Kevin and Finch are looking for Jim's grandmother]

Kevin Myers: Guys, what are you doing here?

John: The old bitch sucked, so we ditched her.

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[after Stifler has sex with Jim's grandmother]

Kevin Myers: You're a hero.

Steve Stifler: Pussy is pussy.

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Kevin Myers: [raising a glass to toast] Gentlemen, to the next step...

Jim: Oh will you stop with that "next step" bullshit.

Paul Finch: Put down your glass.

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Michelle: Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

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[Jim and Michelle are discussing Stifler]

Michelle: Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.

Jim: Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "fucks" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.

Michelle: Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

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[Jim is nervous before his wedding]

Jim: Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?

Jim's Dad: Why? Did she say something?

Jim: Hypothetically, Dad.

Jim's Dad: Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...

Jim: If-If-If you weren't married.

Jim's Dad: She's a college girl.

Jim: If you were a college guy.

Jim's Dad: In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.

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Cadence Flaherty: So, can I see the ring?

Steve Stifler: Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.

Cadence Flaherty: Okay, Frodo.

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Steve Stifler: You hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds and you passed up sex with Nadia, fucking stupid. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.

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Steve Stifler: I eat the shit here!

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Harold Flaherty: We're gonna need a mop.

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Jim's Dad: "Boning"? Well, when you"re not... "boning", how does Jim make you feel?

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Michelle: Hmm... horny, like I wanna bone!

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Steve Stifler: Are you saying I'm impolite?

Jim: "Impolite" would be an improvement.

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Fraulein Brandi: Master vas busy putting mop in my fanny.

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Steve Stifler: What is this, a dance off?

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Paul Finch: Voltaire can suck on my balls!

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Paul Finch: Love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!

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Officer Krystal: Well Mr. Belvedere, its gonna be one fucked up wedding.

Bear: Absolutely.

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Jim: Michelle, I'm going to ask you something I've never asked before.

Michelle: [eagerly] Is it kinky?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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