Kingdom Hospital (2004– )
Dr. Stegman: [Stegman spots Sally Druse wandering the hospital halls when she was told not to] Nurse, stop that woman! Take her to otology and test her hearing, then confine her to her bed with a slow IV drip.
Sally Druse: Why otology? Why my ears?
Dr. Stegman: [to nurse] There's something dreadfully wrong with her hearing, watch this.
Dr. Stegman: [screaming] Go to your room! Malinger in your own bed, Mrs. Munchausen! You see? I keep on doing that and every time I turn around she's back wandering the halls. To otology, and then strict bed rest. Go, go, go!
Dr. Egas Gottreich: Here they store what came before. Pain and suffering from days of yore. Before and after, tears and laughter. After comes before, before comes after. Past and future and then, hereafter. The naked and the dead, the young and the old. Their stories end here, their tales untold. Here sickness and death Have left their pages. Written in blood for all the ages. Someday, your story will be here, too.
Narrator: Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Paul: You know, sometimes a guys just gotta set the world on fire, hey Rolfy. I wonder if there's a nice bottle of rubbing alcohol around here, and a match.
Paul: Call the doctor, call the nurse, this guy's goofy and gettin' worse.
Christa: Are we in trouble?
Abel Lyon: He may forget that he was drunk.
Christa: Or he may not.
Abel Lyon: He may not.
Paul: Leave it alone, Short Time, butt out! That'd be my advice. She's not the only one who has a bell!
Peter Rickman: Who are you?
Mary Jensen: My name is Mary.
Peter Rickman: Why do you look so sad?
Mary Jensen: I lost my dolly.
Peter Rickman: Is that all?
Mary Jensen: I'm afraid.
Peter Rickman: Who are you afraid of, sweety?
Mary Jensen: [sees Paul] Of him!
Dr. Stegman: Do you know how many times Mrs. Druse has been admitted? 14 times in the last two years, and that's just in this hospital!
Dr. Jesse James: It's horrible to be so ill.
Dr. Hook: [Dr. Hook is teasing Elmer about a joke he pulled using a corpse's head] Hey, Elmer. Lost your head lately? Given the head to anyone lately?
Dr. Elmer Traff: I'm not sure I follow.
Dr. Hook: Well, here's a little heads up, I need a copy of a certain anesthesiology report
Dr. Elmer Traff: I can't cross Stegman, half of whatever marbles he had have gotten lost since he came here!
Dr. Hook: Then I'll turn the head into Havens. With the eyeglasses.
Peter Rickman: [Peter overhead someone talking about a massive earthquake that is going to hit the hospital] Is he right?
Mary Jensen: Yes. When I ring my bell again, it won't just be for one or two; it'll be for the hundreds.
Paul: Dr Gottreich? Are you forgetting? Sterile technique?
Dr. Egas Gottreich: Germs and such? Boy, who's been feeding you this poppycock?
Otto: [staring at his hands and weeping strangely] What's happening to me?
Henry Havens: Are you alright, Otto?
Otto: [suddenly looking elatedly happy] ... I can see every sight...
[glances at Lona in surprise and awe]
Otto: Your face... I can see your face!... You're beautiful.
Dr. Lona Massingale: [looking confused yet grateful] Thank you, Otto!
[Blondie suddenly barks from somewhere in the morgue, rushing forward towards the group]
Otto: [OVERJOYED] Blondie!
[breaking into tears again]
Otto: You're beautiful too, Blondie!
Blondie: Easy, boy. Don't get carried away...
Henry Havens: Otto, how many do you see?
[Henry holds up six fingers]
Otto: Three on one hand... three on the other!
[starts laughing joyfully]
Otto: I... I haven't been able to see for twenty-five years, and, and the doctor said that I would go blind in seven more years, that I would have to quit my... and now I can SEE!
Mary Jensen: [about Antubis] He hurts... and he kills... and he likes to be scratched behind the ears!
Dr. Stegman: [livid] There's a CRACK in the PARKING LOT!
Johnny B. Goode: [with mock shock] Hey, I've got one of those too... in the back of my pants!
Otto: Hello, Abel... hello, Christa... I'm supposed to take you now...
Christa: [in unison with Abel] To the dream room? Miss Druse wants us, she wants us!
[both Abel and Christa snicker and exchange glances]
Otto: [Looking amazed] How did you know that?
Abel Lyon: [in unison with Christa] Take us, take us!
[they each hold Otto's hands as he escorts them toward the elevators]
Otto: [Otto goes still in shock when he notices Antubis, the giant sharp-toothed anteater, standing in the doorway] ... holy Mary mother of god...
Otto: [sounding annoyed] It would appear that Dr. Stegman has parked his Jaguar right on top of the helicopter landing pad
[smiles in a scheming manner as he makes up a lie]
Otto: well, in fifteen minutes we're receiving a trauma patient by helicopter, multiple stab wounds... so the car needs to be towed immediately, do you understand?
Dr. Jesse James: Oh no, we can't have little rodent junkies running amok!
[Steg has just discovered that his car has been vandalized]
Dr. Stegman: There will be reprisals for this! Reprisals!
Paul: A tragic accident. Suffering horribly. So I did the humane thing and put him to sleep.
Paul: Where'd that little bitch go to now? I was right behind her... So, she took him with her, how nice. If you kill him now he'll be stuck in between just like her. Could be fun. Get busy. Rub two sticks together if you have to or just pour it down his throat.
Paul: There's an old woman, a meddling old woman. If she comes in here and she tries to talk to your roommate, kill her.
Paul: Never mind, just do it.
Rolf: Im not sure I can, I...
Paul: You can, you betta. Do you know the beauty part? No one will even ask you why you did it, you're craaazzzy.
Rolf: Thats why im seeing you isn't it? Because im crazy?
Paul: You don't really believe that.
Sally Druse: Please, Dr. Stegman, this woman is get ready to do something...
Dr. Stegman: [cutting her off] Oh, getting ready to do something, how interesting. What might that be?
Antubis: You're the witnesses. It's up to you to save her and all the rest.
Paul: You missed the ball, and buddy, that's all at the ol' ball game!
Sally Druse: Oh, you're not afraid of Dr. Stegman, I know you're not.
Dr. Hook: Maybe not, but I am afraid of what Nat Rickman might think if I let Kingdom Hospital's most notorious psychic hypochondriac use her neurologically-impaired husband as a ouija board.
Sally Druse: Oh, 'scuze me, I am *not* a hypochondriac.
Dr. Egas Gottreich: Go back!
Paul: This is your last warning, Shorttime. Go back while you still can.
Sally Druse: The children burned in the fire were, uh... collateral damage.
Dr. Brenda Abelson: [giggles scandalously] Ooh, I've always wanted to get nasty in the back of a taxi!
[the limo driver flashes her a disgusted look but keeps driving anyway]
Dr. Lona Massingale: [to Elmer, horrified] If you can have sex with your brain, why does it have to be in a morgue?
Peter Rickman: [to Dr. Hook] Your fly's unzipped. Who gave you a license to sell hot dogs, sunny Jim?
Bobby Druse: [Bobby drops a bowl of pasta and sauce on the floor beside Otto's security desk] Aw, mother of Christmas!... Oh Otto, I'm sorry!
Otto: Not to worry...
[Otto unhooks Blondie's leash and lets the dog eat all the pasta]
Sally Druse: Sticks and stones... young man, your fly is unzipped.
Otto: [Otto stares at the security monitor and cries out in surprise when he sees Mary Jensen on the screen] ... Is someone there? Little girl?
Dr. Hook: [Suddenly Dr. Hook comes in and startles him] Looking at girls is thirsty work, Otto. So, I brought you this.
[Hook holds up a can of soda]
Otto: [sounding annoyed] ... You scared the hell out of me. Have you seen Blondie?
Dr. Hook: No.
Otto: [confused] ... Well, did you see a little girl? She's been wandering the hallways and Dr. James is going to be very upset about it!
Dr. Hook: [laughing] I have NEVER seen Dr. James upset.
Otto: [vexed upon finding Blondie sneaking into the operating room] There you are! Do you want me to lose my job? Do you want to lose your LIFE?
Blondie: What I want is ze t-bone steak, moi ami.
Sally Druse: I'm not sure what it was, it looked kind of like a, a giant hairdryer...
Otto: That sounds like Dr. Massingale's Dream Machine. MEG she calls it, I have no idea what that stands for...
Sally Druse: Take me there!
Otto: Me...? Well, I'm kind of on-duty.
Sally Druse: Otto!... You were asleep.
Otto: [sheepishly] Yeah, but...
Sally Druse: Bobby will watch your screens for you. You show me that MEG machine RIGHT NOW.