Kingdom Hospital (2004– )
[Steg has just discovered that his car has been vandalized]
Dr. Stegman: There will be reprisals for this! Reprisals!
Paul: A tragic accident. Suffering horribly. So I did the humane thing and put him to sleep.
Paul: Where'd that little bitch go to now? I was right behind her... So, she took him with her, how nice. If you kill him now he'll be stuck in between just like her. Could be fun. Get busy. Rub two sticks together if you have to or just pour it down his throat.
Paul: There's an old woman, a meddling old woman. If she comes in here and she tries to talk to your roommate, kill her.
Paul: Never mind, just do it.
Rolf: Im not sure I can, I...
Paul: You can, you betta. Do you know the beauty part? No one will even ask you why you did it, you're craaazzzy.
Rolf: Thats why im seeing you isn't it? Because im crazy?
Paul: You don't really believe that.
Paul: You know, sometimes a guys just gotta set the world on fire, hey Rolfy. I wonder if there's a nice bottle of rubbing alcohol around here, and a match.
Paul: Call the doctor, call the nurse, this guy's goofy and gettin' worse.
Dr. Egas Gottreich: Here they store what came before. Pain and suffering from days of yore. Before and after, tears and laughter. After comes before, before comes after. Past and future and then, hereafter. The naked and the dead, the young and the old. Their stories end here, their tales untold. Here sickness and death Have left their pages. Written in blood for all the ages. Someday, your story will be here, too.
Narrator: Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Sally Druse: Please, Dr. Stegman, this woman is get ready to do something...
Dr. Stegman: [cutting her off] Oh, getting ready to do something, how interesting. What might that be?
Christa: Are we in trouble?
Abel Lyon: He may forget that he was drunk.
Christa: Or he may not.
Abel Lyon: He may not.
Paul: Leave it alone, Short Time, butt out! That'd be my advice. She's not the only one who has a bell!
Peter Rickman: Who are you?
Mary Jensen: My name is Mary.
Peter Rickman: Why do you look so sad?
Mary Jensen: I lost my dolly.
Peter Rickman: Is that all?
Mary Jensen: I'm afraid.
Peter Rickman: Who are you afraid of, sweety?
Mary Jensen: [sees Paul] Of him!
Dr. Stegman: Do you know how many times Mrs. Druse has been admitted? 14 times in the last two years, and that's just in this hospital!
Dr. Jesse James: It's horrible to be so ill.
Dr. Stegman: [Stegman spots Sally Druse wandering the hospital halls when she was told not to] Nurse, stop that woman! Take her to otology and test her hearing, then confine her to her bed with a slow IV drip.
Sally Druse: Why otology? Why my ears?
Dr. Stegman: [to nurse] There's something dreadfully wrong with her hearing, watch this.
Dr. Stegman: [screaming] Go to your room! Malinger in your own bed, Mrs. Munchausen! You see? I keep on doing that and every time I turn around she's back wandering the halls. To otology, and then strict bed rest. Go, go, go!
Antubis: You're the witnesses. It's up to you to save her and all the rest.
Mary Jensen: Help me!
Peter Rickman: How?
Mary Jensen: Let Antubis help you!
Paul: You missed the ball, and buddy, that's all at the ol' ball game!
Dr. Hook: [Dr. Hook is teasing Elmer about a joke he pulled using a corpse's head] Hey, Elmer. Lost your head lately? Given the head to anyone lately?
Dr. Elmer Traff: I'm not sure I follow.
Dr. Hook: Well, here's a little heads up, I need a copy of a certain anesthesiology report
Dr. Elmer Traff: I can't cross Stegman, half of whatever marbles he had have gotten lost since he came here!
Dr. Hook: Then I'll turn the head into Havens. With the eyeglasses.
Peter Rickman: [Peter overhead someone talking about a massive earthquake that is going to hit the hospital] Is he right?
Mary Jensen: Yes. When I ring my bell again, it won't just be for one or two; it'll be for the hundreds.
Sally Druse: Oh, you're not afraid of Dr. Stegman, I know you're not.
Dr. Hook: Maybe not, but I am afraid of what Nat Rickman might think if I let Kingdom Hospital's most notorious psychic hypochondriac use her neurologically-impaired husband as a ouija board.
Sally Druse: Oh, 'scuze me, I am *not* a hypochondriac.
Dr. Egas Gottreich: Go back!
Paul: This is your last warning, Shorttime. Go back while you still can.
Paul: Dr Gottreich? Are you forgetting? Sterile technique?
Dr. Egas Gottreich: Germs and such? Boy, who's been feeding you this poppycock?