Die, Mommie, Die! (2003)
Edith Sussman: I always knew Mother was nothing more than a cheap, hopped-up nymphomaniac.
Tony Parker: Why do you hate your mother so?
Edith Sussman: I hate her because she's a money-grubbing selfish bitch who ruined my father's life, and a promiscuous slut who spends all my father's hard-earned money on trash like you!
Tony Parker: That's not good enough.
Edith Sussman: What kind of a crazy world is this? My father's dead and my mother's gigolo shows up ready for some hot action!
Angela Arden: Darling daughter, you sound like a square from Squaresville.
Angela Arden: I'm in no mood for your patented brand of bitchery, missy.
Lance Sussman: Buster, if you want any singin' outta me, you better haul out that bratwurst and spread some mustard on it.
Angela Arden: I hate this house! I hate these walls... I hate that sofa! The only part of this dump that doesn't make me puke is that door - because that's the way I'm gettin' out!
Lance Sussman: [Lance, unexpectedly home from college, has hidden behind the stairs and jumps up and scares Angela] Arrrrh!
Angela Arden: Lance! You scared the bejesus out of me!
Lance Sussman: [Chuckling] Kiss me, you beautiful creature.
Lance Sussman: [Upon kissing Lance on the lips] Do I smell pot?
Lance Sussman: Gee, mom, you got me on that one.
Angela Arden: Listen, baby, I'm not one of your friends' square old ladies. I toured with a band. I'm quite familiar with reefer, and fully acquainted with its dangers.
Lance Sussman: You're the coolest mom ever!
Angela Arden: What are you doing home from school?
Lance Sussman: The anti-war demonstration... yeah! Students took over the president's office, they sent the rest of us kids home.
Angela Arden: [Somewhat skeptical] Oh, really?
Lance Sussman: My friend Ruth... gave the associate dean a saltwater enema.
Angela Arden: I need a drink.
Angela Arden: [Pouring drinks] Scotch for me, Pepsi for you.
Lance Sussman: Mom!
Angela Arden: Oh, I suppose a "splash" of bourbon won't kill ya'!
Sol Sussman: [Sol is in his den, on the phone, pleading with a money lender of apparently dubious character. Bootsie, the maid, passes by in an adjoining hallway and begins to eavesdrop the conversation] There were extenuating circumstances... Well, you're not in the movie business so you wouldn't understand. These things were beyond my control... What?
Sol Sussman: -
[Bootsie, still eavesdropping, enters one of the nearby doors to get closer to Sol's den. Sol's agitated phone conversation continues]
Sol Sussman: It's impossible... You gotta' give me... You gotta'... Please! Oh, God...
Sol Sussman: [the sound of the phone receiver slamming down is heard] Oh my God!... Oh my God!... Oh my God!... Oh my God!...
Bootsie Carp: [Alarmed at hearing Sol in obvious distress, Bootsie enters his den] Are you sick, Mr. S? Should I call Dr. Mendell?
Sol Sussman: No, no... Nathan Mendell I don't need.
Bootsie Carp: [Sitting down in front of his desk] Talk to Bootsie. Let her help.
Sol Sussman: -
[Confused and despondent]
Sol Sussman: I... I... I'm out of date. I'm out of touch. My kind of movies' pleas for tolerance of the Jew or the Negro or the immigrant Italian are made a mockery of today. These kids in the beards, they seek to tear down the Establishment. When the fuck did I become the Establishment?
Sol Sussman: [Sympathetically] You're a great man, Mr. S.
Sol Sussman: [Agitated] I'm finished. I'm kaput! Bootsie, the only way I could finance this film was to borrow money from... "less than reputable" associates.
Bootsie Carp: [Slightly shocked] The "Mob"?
Sol Sussman: The gods have turned against me. The rotten weather, an actress dying and... now the film has fallen apart. They're threatening to give me a bath in cement if I don't pay up! Bootsie, you're lookin' at a corpse.
Bootsie Carp: [Solemnly quoting Biblical scripture] "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty." Proverbs, 16.
Sol Sussman: It's Angela. She's a witch! She put a curse on me! Oh, God! Oh, God! God, God, God, God...
[Sol breaks down, sobbing and wailing. Bootsie goes over to console him in her arms]
Sol Sussman: [At the dinner table: Lance is toying with his soup, blowing on spoonfuls of it, but not actually eating it. Sol looks on, increasingly annoyed] Lance, just DRINK the goddamned soup!
Lance Sussman: Sorry, daddy.
Angela Arden: [Addressing Lance in a "secret language," apparently understood only by she and Lance. Subtitles provide the translation] I don't blame you. The soup stinks.
Lance Sussman: [Replying in the same "secret language"] It smell like dirty socks.
Angela Arden: [Again using the "secret language"] Bootsie cuts your dad's socks up and throws them in the soup.
Sol Sussman: [Angela and Lance chuckle over their secret joking. Sol, enraged, gets up and lunges at Lance] God DAMMIT! You eat normal, or we're gonna' shut you away in an institution!
Lance Sussman: No, daddy, don't...
Angela Arden: How dare you speak to your son like that!
Sol Sussman: I'm ashamed to have such a son.
Angela Arden: [Contemptuously] The "great man"! The "conscience" of the Industry! How about a little sympathy and tolerance for your own family?
Sol Sussman: I have NO sympathy for you, baby. And none for him, either.
[Sol glares pointedly at Lance]
Sol Sussman: My son, the Loser!
Lance Sussman: YOU'RE the Loser! The FLOP!
Angela Arden: [Enraged, Sol slaps Lance across the face and Lance gets up and runs out of the room. Angela gets up and looks after Lance in dismay] Lance...
Sol Sussman: [All the commotion has upset the family's twin Pekinese dogs, whose noisy barking can be heard in the background. This enrages Sol even more] Monsters! They get put to sleep tomorrow! Sit down, Angela... SIT DOWN!
Angela Arden: [In the car with Sol, coming back from the theater where they have just seen the Greek tragedy "The House of Atreus," in which Queen Clytemnestra stabs Agamemnon to death] Well, I thought the murder scene was beautifully staged. The character of Queen Clytemnestra was almost... sympathetic. Aren't you glad I made you renew our theater subscriptions?
Sol Sussman: [Annoyed] Oh, Angela, shut up. The best performance tonight was you pretending to be a wife!
Edith Sussman: You seem so sad and tired since you got back from Spain. What's wrong, daddy? You can tell me. We're soul mates.
Sol Sussman: Well, then I'll confide in you. It's just this God-awful constipation. Before I go to sleep I'm supposed to take a suppository. Well, nobody ever said it was gonna' be easy being an old Jew.
Sol Sussman: Never forget that you're half Sussman. And the other half, that strange, Canadian goyish of flotsam... that, you can dismiss.
Edith Sussman: It's your blood that I'm proud of.
Sol Sussman: You are my daughter, my immortality. What is our motto?
Edith Sussman: Make it big... give it Class... and leave 'em with a message!
Sol Sussman: Yeah!
Angela Arden: You know, I Magnin is having a sale on go-go boots. We could make a day of it.
Edith Sussman: Go-go boots? They're about as ancient as a hoop skirt.
Angela Arden: Then I could use your able assistance as a fashion consultant.
Edith Sussman: Well, my first bit of advice, mother, would be to cancel your next face lift, and start acting your age.
Angela Arden: [Inserting, with apparent difficulty, a large suppository in Sol] You're very tight. You must do your utmost to relax.
Sol Sussman: Relax? How can I relax with a nuclear warhead up my rectum?
Bootsie Carp: [Gathered outside the house after Sol's death: police are talking to family members, and paramedics are preparing to take Sol's body away] Mrs. S, it's best that I go. You're much too fragile, and way too famous.
Policeman: Mrs. Sussman, that'll be all for now. You've been very helpful.
Angela Arden: And you're a delight. I can't get over... you're all so darned good looking. You could be actors!
Edith Sussman: [Edith is sitting at the poolside, mourning the passing of her father. Tony Parker shows up] How dare you show your face in this house less than 24 hours after my father's death?
Tony Parker: Sorry you feel that way, Edie. But perhaps... I can be of some comfort to your mother.
Edith Sussman: Well I'm afraid you can't. Mother's out with my brother Lance. He's helping her adjust to her new widowhood.
[Scene briefly changes to show Lance on his motorcycle, Angela on the back, whooping and laughing it up]
- What kind of a crazy world is this? My father's dead, and my mother's gigolo shows up, ready for some hot action?
Tony Parker: I suppose I deserved that. Would you believe, the last thing I wanted to do was betray your father?
Edith Sussman: [Sarcastically] Oh... like REALLY!
Tony Parker: I don't ask your forgiveness... it's almost as if I didn't have a choice. Your mother is a sorceress. She casts a hypnotic spell over a man. You possess that same magic, Edie.
Edith Sussman: I do?
[Tony looks at her and nods]
Edith Sussman: No... you're not to be trusted!
Tony Parker: [Tony and Edith are now in the pool. Tony hugs Edith tightly] Edie - lovely, smooth, sweet Edie. I want to know everything about you: your favorite color, your favorite movie star... do you think your mother killed your father?
Edith Sussman: Canary yellow, Carole Lynley, and yes, I know she did it but I can't prove a thing... Oh! Tony, I think you just broke my hymen...
Tony Parker: I heard your father died of a massive heart attack.
Edith Sussman: So they said. But there's something not right about it.
Tony Parker: Being a man of the world, I have friends in interesting places. Mind if I... do a little leg work?
Edith Sussman: Yeah, sure... But I thought you were under mother's spell?
Tony Parker: Haven't you heard? There's a new witch in town.
Angela Arden: Where is Edith? We're going to be late for the funeral.
Bootsie Carp: I do worry about that child. But as my wise uncle Enoch used to say, "As ketchup is to meatloaf, so sorrow is a condiment to joy."
Sam Fishbein: [At the funeral parlor: a producer friend passionately eulogizes Sol] Let us mourn the loss of a "warrior king," felled not in the field of battle, but by coronary thrombosis. As a producer myself, I would have preferred to see a man with Sol Sussman's stature lying in state: a draped catafalque, burning tapers... It distresses me that such a man should be hurriedly cremated like a mongrel DOG at the pound!
Bootsie Carp: Amen! At last the truth is spoken.
Angela Arden: [Back at the house after the funeral for Sol] Bootsie, remove some of these floral tributes. They're wilting and I can't bear to be surrounded by more death.
Bootsie Carp: I think I'll put some of these petals in the pages of my bible.
Angela Arden: As you wish.
Angela Arden: [Back at the house: Angela has just kicked Tony Parker out. Lance and Edith sit nearby] And that goes for all of you. I'm clearin' out the dead wood.
Angela Arden: [She pauses to pour herself a large tumbler of bourbon] This is as good a time as any to announce that I'm selling the house to the first bidder.
Edith Sussman: You wouldn't!
Angela Arden: Edith, I don't want to hear a word about it. I am sick and tired of living my life for others. This is a time for Angela Arden. This time it's for me, for Me, for ME!
Lance Sussman: But mother...
Angela Arden: [Ignoring Edith's and Lance's protests] I hate this house, I hate these walls, I hate that sofa... The only part of this dump that doesn't make me puke is that door, because that's the way I'm gettin' out.
Edith Sussman: You can't sell this house.
Angela Arden: I'm bringing down these walls around us. To quote the kids in the ghetto, "Burn, baby, burn!"
[She tosses her tumbler of bourbon into the fire: a large plume of fire flashes up]
Lance Sussman: [With Edith at a table in a diner] Edie, aren't you gonna' eat your cole slaw?
Edith Sussman: It's time you faced the truth: our mother murdered our father.
Lance Sussman: Hold the coleslaw...
Edith Sussman: She poisoned him.
Lance Sussman: He died of a heart attack.
Edith Sussman: Oh, many rich old men that die of heart attacks are really the victims of arsenic poisoning. Tony told me so.
Lance Sussman: When did he tell you that?
Edith Sussman: It doesn't matter.
Lance Sussman: Well, Bootsie told me she was with the coroner when he performed the autopsy. There was no trace of arsenic in his stomach.
Edith Sussman: What if mother was clever and found another way to slip him the arsenic? A method devised to bypass the digestive track?
Lance Sussman: I'm confused...
Edith Sussman: The night daddy died he was complaining of constipation. The doctor prescribed a powerful suppository. Suppose mother found a way of tampering with the laxative?
Edith Sussman: I don't believe it.
Edith Sussman: You are Sol Sussman's only son. It's up to you to avenge his death!
Lance Sussman: What do you want me to do?
Edith Sussman: Kill mother!
Lance Sussman: No!
[Lance jumps up and runs out]
Edith Sussman: [In a public bathroom: Lance has taken cover in one of the stalls, while Edith is in the outer part of the bathroom, trying to find him and talk to him] Lance, why can't you accept the fact that mother is a murderess and a whore?
Edith Sussman: [Apparently Edith has been talking to the wrong stall: an unknown man comes out, causing Edith to walk further down the row, looking underneath each stall for a sign of Lance] Lance... it's no use hiding from me OR the truth. Lance!
Lance Sussman: Leave me alone! I'm not listening to you.
Edith Sussman: You will listen!
Lance Sussman: Leave me alone. My head... it's pounding, pounding.
Edith Sussman: Yes, it's pounding. Sometimes it feels like there's an atom bomb inside your head that's waitin' to go "pow!"
Lance Sussman: Get OUT of here!
Edith Sussman: It's time you heard the truth. Daddy said it was the drugs. The pill-popping that mother did during the pregnancy that made you the way you are.
Lance Sussman: Leave me alone.
Edith Sussman: [Lance and Edith are now over at the sink area, where Lance splashes his face with water] There was something wrong with your brain. Made you a little "slow." Made it hard for you to understand things.
Lance Sussman: [Confused] What?
Edith Sussman: Don't you see? It's not your fault, it's HERS... because mom was so selfish and evil that she wouldn't give up her precious sleeping pills.
Edith Sussman: [Unknown man approaches sink area; Edith snarls at him] Fuck off!
Edith Sussman: Lance, she destroyed you. She turned your brains into mush. Into creamed spinach.
Lance Sussman: She didn't... It's not true! YOU'RE the bitch! YOU'RE the one I'd like to kill!
[Lance runs from the restroom]
Angela Arden: Sweetie? Sweetie, these angels need to be walked.
Edith Sussman: Translation: Get the hell out of here so I could be shrew to your father in private.
Bootsie Carp: You've never fooled me! You're nothing but trash washed over the Canadian border!
Bootsie Carp: Men are like Halloween pumpkins. They may look different but inside they're all the same mush.