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Adam West: [after driving all night to the Arizona border in the search for the Batmobile] I think the clue is in our past, somewhere...
Burt Ward: What's this?
[removes flyer from under the car's windshield wiper]
Adam West: ...we still have to find it.
Burt Ward: [reads flyer] Hey Adam, look. The Highway to Arizona Bar is having a Happy Hour. Great place. Just down the street from the car museum.
Adam West: [grabs flyer and reads it with stunned disbelief] You... you... you *knew* about that place?
Burt Ward: [not getting it] Yeah. Why?
Adam West: [aggravated] Oh!
Burt Ward: [thinks about it and realizes they've driven all night for nothing] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Adam West: [after meeting on the set for the first time] Why don't we take some time and discuss our approaches to the role?
Burt Ward: Well, I just plan on saying my lines.
[sees looks of surprise on faces of West and director]
Burt Ward: Is there more to it than that?
Adam West: [trying to put it delicately] Uhhh, well, yeah. Maybe a little
Adam West: [reading an invitation left on his front door] Alfred! I need you!
[opens closet]
Adam West: Ah, what to wear?
[sees one suit]
Adam West: Eh, too flashy.
[sees another one]
Adam West: Too stuffy.
[sees another one]
Adam West: Too formal.
[comes across his old Batman costume]
Adam West: Too retro.
Jerry the Butler: [patiently after coming into the room] It's not Alfred, Mister West. It's Jerry. Alfred was the guy on the tv-show.
Adam West: There's a charity event at the car museum tonight. It seems I'm expected.
Jerry the Butler: [reads invitation] A little last minute, isn't it?
Adam West: Charity doesn't punch a clock, my friend.
Jerry the Butler: I guess you'll be needing your tuxedo.
Adam West: Nooo. I think something a little more in keeping with the times. Something a little less formal. Something... Clooneyish.
[Adam and Burt are sitting in the Batmobile at the charity event]
Burt Ward: Wow. You know, it seems like almost yesterday.
Adam West: Almost thirty-five years Burt. Time tumbles by.
Burt Ward: You know I forget what some of these buttons do.
Adam West: I wouldn't touch those if I were...
[Burt presses a button and oil slick sprays out onto the crowd]
Burt Ward: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Sorry, I didn't know it was loaded.
Adam West: That's why they usually left the driving to me.
Valet parker: Hey, if you're looking for the Batmobile, it went that way.
Adam West: [noticing he's wearing an eye patch] You have a sharp eye, my friend.
[Adam and Burt are about to fight four henchman at the Arizona Bar]
Burt Ward: Well?
Adam West: I say we fight our way out like we always did.
Burt Ward: We had stuntmen then. Even if mine was always on a coffee break.
Sexy fan: Can I get an autograph, too?
[exposes a portion of her left breast for Adam to sign on]
Adam West: You know this is a... permanent marker.
Sexy fan: Good. I hope it lasts forever.
[after Adam disarms a bomb]
Burt Ward: Good thing that bomb was a fake.
[the bomb explodes and Burt is sent flying out of the cave by the blast, Adam walks out unharmed]
Burt Ward: How come you didn't get burned?
Adam West: Stuntman.
Burt Ward: [disgusted] Dang!
[Adam and Burt are at a diner. Burt reads a menu]
Burt Ward: Holy lunch specials! Look at this.
Adam West: It appears to be a menu, Burt. Not an unusual thing in a place like this.
Burt Ward: But look what's *on* the menu, or rather *who*. A "Burgess Burger...”
Adam West: What?
Burt Ward: "Gorshin Franks and Beans...” "Cesar Romero Salad...” "Vincent Fries...” They even have drinks. Look, a "Julie New-Martini."
[Burt hands Adam the menu and Adam reads it]
Adam West: "Art Chili Con Carney...” "Zsa Zsa Gabor...” "Liberace...” All these people disguised as daily specials!
Burt Ward: Almost every actor who played a villain our characters battled.
Adam West: Battled? Yes, and triumphed over. Any one of them could still be harboring a grudge.
Burt Ward: Adam, they're only actors.
Adam West: I'm sure they'd like us to think so, Burt. But there's more here than meets the eye.
[Adam and Burt look around suspiciously]
Adam West: Very odd.
Burt Ward: What's that?
Adam West: [checking his watch] It's time for an act break, but that voice is strangely absent.
Burt Ward: *He* must be on a break.
Adam West: Possibly. But now that he's not here, I miss him.
[after the Batmobile's been stolen and leaves fire-tire tracks]
Charity Event Host: The Batmobile's been stolen.
Adam West: [holding up his car key] Using my key.
Burt Ward: Holy tire tracks! Look, they go from two to one. It went out on two wheels. That fiend.
Adam West: He may be a fiend, but he's an excellent driver.
Fan boy: My brother said the show's No.1. Is that true?
Burt Ward: Well, as long were No.1 with fans like you, we've done our job.
[Burt's auditionin for the part of Robin]
Burt Ward: Uh, Robin?
Casting Director: Yeah, Batman's sidekick. You know the comic book character?
Burt Ward: You're kidding? I used to pretend I was Superboy when I was three. I'd be speeding around on my tricycle.
Burt Ward: Good guys don't lurk!
Adam West: We've entered the mind of a madman.
Jerry the Butler: My mind and welcome to it.
Adam West: Alfred?
Jerry the Butler: Jerry! How many times do I have to tell you? It's Jerry!
Burt Ward: The butler did it. We should've seen this coming a mile away.
Burt Ward: Diabolical!
Jerry the Butler: Even more than you think, Mr. West.
[Jerry unmasks himself and it is Frank Gorshin]
Burt Ward: Holy plot twist! Your butler is... Frank Gorshin?
Adam West: Has anybody seen by bat suit?
Burt Ward: Holy Props Department Batman!

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