Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot30 September 2002
While Bill and Judy's marriage seems threatened by the sudden introduction of unadorned honesty, Bill's fatherly advice to Brian for attracting girls gets Brian into trouble at school.
7 October 2002
Who can be the more insightful at Linda's book club - Judy or Bill? Bill reads books?
14 October 2002
Judy gets bent out of shape at her 20th class reunion over a classmate that's far more accomplished than she is, till Bill tells her this classmate's marriage is in trouble.
21 October 2002
Lauren likes classmate Alex, and Bill, against Judy's advice, interferes in the "romance". Lauren is humiliated. Judy gets tickets for all involved to see Blink 182 in concert. Inadvertently, Lauren gets even more humiliated, this time by her mother on the jumbotron.
28 October 2002
4 November 2002
The high school football coach approaches Bill and Judy, because he'd like Brian to join the football team. He would be a place kicker and third string, but Bill is delighted, as he'll be on the football team like him. Judy doesn't know if Brian should play, because she's afraid he'll get hurt and she doesn't want Bill pressuring him into it. Brian isn't even sure if he wants to do it, so Bill talks to Brian and convinces him to play and says that he will always support whatever he decides to do. While at the football game, Bill discovers the perks of being a football parent and Judy learns about it soon as well. Soon, Bill finds out that Brian doesn't want to be on the football team and he wants to join the cheer squad. Bill is now crushed and is embarrassed, but he finds out that Brian joined the football team because it made him (Bill) happy and that they could have something in common, but he hates it and being part of the cheer squad makes him happy and there are good things to being part of it. Brian isn't even sure if he's good enough to make it, but Bill shows him some moves that could get him on the cheer squad.
11 November 2002
Bill becomes inseparable best buddies with Linda's new boyfriend, which continues on the sly after she dumps him for cheating.
18 November 2002
25 November 2002
9 December 2002
To help Judy land a promotion, Bill schmoozes her boss, Dr. Nathan Gerber, by falsely sharing in the doctor's love of opera. When a schedule conflict prevents the doctor from enjoying his Friday night tickets to an upcoming opera, he happily passes them along to Judy and Bill, which Bill almost immediately exchanges for choice Friday night hockey tickets. The doctor subsequently asks them to report back on their opera experience, so Bill and Judy suffer through a Thursday night performance so they can report back accurately and not endanger her chance for the promotion. When the doctor's schedule conflict resolves itself and he asks for the tickets back, Bill and Judy scramble for how to get out of this one. Meanwhile, Linda chaperons Lauren's slumber party but ends up dominating it with bitter adult issues.
16 December 2002
6 January 2003
Bill comes down with a bad case of accumulated sick days, which he'll lose if he doesn't use them by staying home for a few days. Lauren is about to go to her first school dance, but bullying another girl at school gets her grounded. Judy tries to impress Lauren about the wrongfulness of bullying by telling her the story of her own bullied time with classmate Jeana Mirelli. When Lauren later confides to Bill that Judy told her about Jeana, Bill thinks Judy shared the real story, where Judy was the merciless bully and Jeana was her victim. Lauren is outraged at Judy for lying, Judy is mad at Bill for revealing, and Bill is upset at Judy for not updating him on this latest lie to the kids. Since Bill seems to think Judy is being too harsh on Lauren, Judy puts Bill completely in charge of her punishment. To Lauren's delight, Bill allows her to attend the dance, so Judy further allows Bill to shop for Lauren's party dress, for which Bill, unschooled in the ways of aggressive dress shopping, is woefully unprepared.
27 January 2003
Judy is upset at Bill because she always has to take the role of "bad cop" with the kids while Bill always gets to be "good cop." Bill feels Judy should lighten up. When the roles end up switched, Judy loves it, while Bill hates it. He has to clean up the messes the kids make while she gets to relax in the bathtub and get plenty of sleep for a change. When Bill concedes to Judy's point, Judy refuses to change back, so Bill drops the bad cop role and goes back being be the good cop as well. Now there are 2 good cops in the house, with Bill predicting Judy will "blink first" over him. As this stare down between parents goes on, the kids run amok and ransack the house. A couple of incidents with Lauren and Brian finally make Bill and Judy realize that always being the good cop is not the greatest thing for them.
3 February 2003
Linda brings over new boyfriend Trevor, a fit young man to whom she's only admitted being 27 years old. Showing off her catch, she has Trevor bare his sexy abdominal six-pack, prompting Bill to display his less-than-sexy middle-age kegger. Having a capable man about the house, Judy puts him to work handling chores Bill can't seem to manage. To show he can be at least the near equal of Trevor, Bill joins a roller hockey league, buying all new equipment for a sport he proclaims he's "born" to do. Judy must remind him of his closet of lost dream, wherein reside the remnants of several past and short-lived endeavors when Bill was "born" to fish, "born" to ski, and "born" to scuba dive. Bill soon finds he can't manage hockey, which leaves him so sore he can't raise his arms. When Judy slights him for jumping into it, he chides her for not being athletic like he's trying to be. She thereafter joins Linda for a workout session and soon becomes just as physically and debilitatingly sore as Bill.
10 February 2003
17 February 2003
Though Bill gripes about Judy's constant nagging and under-appreciation to his poker buddies, Judy's sudden arrival, happily serving them beer and pizza, proves how easy Bill really has it. Judy releases her well-founded frustrations over Bill to her sympathetic hairdresser, Gary, whom Judy's gone to for nine years. Bill's early arrival to pick her up invades "Judy time." While she's under the dryer, Bill offends Gary by telling him what a great "racket" this "rip-off" artist runs. Judy thereafter finds herself unable to book another appointment. Upon learning the reason, she immediately sends Bill to apologize to Gary. Gary not only accepts Bill's apology but gives him a free hair treatment with complimentary back massage. Bill clearly responds to the therapeutic aspects of Gary's service and quickly becomes a regular client, but Judy resents this invasion of her special time away from home and family problems. They try staggering appointments but it doesn't work out, so they finally draw cards to see who will continue with Gary. Bill's king beats Judy's jack until Bill has to admit to his poker buddies what they're playing for. Lost among all this is Brian trying to bring an attractive girl to the house for a study session.
10 March 2003
31 March 2003
14 April 2003
Lauren has taken up the clarinet and she has a recital coming up; Problem is she isn't very good at it and Carl tells Bill that his old buddy Wheezer's in town. Bill's excited, because he hasn't seen Wheezer in a long time and when they meet, they find that he's married to a psychologist, Dr. Sarah Cunningham and this isn't the same crazy Wheezer he knew. Bill says that Sarah changed him and Carl says that Judy changed Bill as well. Bill upset about that, talks to Judy, but she denies that she has. Bill says she did, because he shaved his mustache for her and got rid of the "man fort". Bill has decided to bring back "Killer Miller", by smoking cigars, grow a mustache wearing tiger jams once again and has converted the basement into his own "man fort". Bill, is trying to readjust to the mustache and cigars, only to find himself coughing heavily and the mustache itches. Judy while talking to Linda, has admitted to her that she has changed Bill, but Linda points out to Judy that he's changed her, so Judy decides to go out with one of her old friend Sandy on a girls night out. Sandy gets Judy drunk the night before Lauren's recital and the next day she has a horrible hangover. In the end, Bill and Judy find out it's best to leave some of the things they did in their younger days, in the past.
28 April 2003
Judy's stuck doing overtime till her boss, Dr. Gerber, finds someone to replace Colleen. Gerber's life's been a mess since his wife discovered his affair with Colleen and kicked him out. Had it with the overtime hours, Judy finally confronts the doctor and asks if there's anything she can do. There is. She can take Schnitzel, Gerber's dalmatian, who otherwise has to stay in a kennel till Gerber finds an apartment that allows pets. Schnitzel is a well-trained dog, but living with Bill soon has him lounging on the sofa and ignoring commands. When Gerber visits, he's disappointed in his dog's new behavior, but Gerber himself succumbs to the allure of Bill's indulgent lifestyle and practically moves in with the Millers. Judy wants him out, so Bill's advices the doctor to stop wasting time, follow his dream and do what makes him happy, which, to Bill and Judy's surprise, he decides to do - close the dentistry and open a restaurant. Well, not if Judy can help it.
Season 1, Episode 21: Still Mom5 May 2003
Something Bill dreads the most is about to happen. His mother, Louise, is coming for a visit. Bill's problem with his mother is that she "guilts" him into getting whatever she wants, to which Bill always complies. Judy suggests that the next time Louise makes him feel miserable, Bill should not take the bait and ignore her. Bill, instead, thinks he and Louise should try to have an adult conversation, because in her eyes, he's Billy. When Bill finds out it doesn't work, he goes to Judy and tries it her way. He puts Judy's method to use when he takes Louise to the bank and she starts to complain about the family's mini-van. When Bill says nothing, it aggravates her and she gets out of the van. When Bill threatens to leave her, she refuses to budge and Bill drives away. When Bill realizes what he's done, he tries to look for her but can't find her. He returns home without Louise, but she comes back on her own and says that she's gotten a job at Playpen Video, an adult video store. Bill feels that she's only working there to get attention. When they get into a fight, Louise leaves the house, saying she will stay with her sister Doris and will continue to work at Playpen VIdeo. When Bill tries to patch things up, Louise admits she got the job to "guilt" him, but she has her reasons for keeping the job.
12 May 2003
Bill and Judy have tickets to the AC/DC concert, while Lauren is invited to a cheerleader party, where boys and beer will be there. Bill and Judy say no to her going and Brian has a problem. He wasn't invited. Bill tells Brian, when he was his age he wasn't invited to parties, but one party, he went with the football team, laid low in the kitchen so he wouldn't get booted out and made a pyramid out of empty beer cans. He became a legend because everyone thought he drank all those beers and from then on, he was invited to parties. Linda is at the house to make sure Lauren doesn't sneak out. While waiting in line, Judy has Linda check on Lauren and finds out that she has sneaked out. They give up the tickets and go to the party. While looking for Lauren, they can't find her, but Bill finds Brian in the kitchen making a beer can pyramid. They send Brian home and when they're home, Brian says that Bill taught him the pyramid. Later Bill tells Brian that he should never let anyone make him feel like he doesn't belong. Still looking for Lauren, she's home and says that she was in the basement all along listening to records. She says she's going back to the basement and seems to have convinced them, but she's caught outside trying to sneak out some of the party goers out of the basement. Bill and Judy are telling Brian and Lauren, that they know all the tricks to sneaking out because they did it and manage to salvage what's left of the night.
22 September 2003
Judy is upset because Lauren is taking all easy classes like basic math instead of algebra in high school and she's afraid she will not get into college. When Linda is joining the family for dinner, Judy is venting her frustrations regarding Lauren to her. Linda says that in her psychology class she's learned the best way to deal with a teen is to negotiate with her. Judy scoffs at Linda's suggestion, and she made Lauren take algebra, but the problem is, Lauren is not even trying and Judy is tired of fighting with her. Bill decides to go to her room and be "Big Angry Guy" to scare her into straightening up, but Lauren ends up laughing at him. Judy thinks she should try and negotiate with Lauren and Bill suggests that they should trick Lauren, where they say if she sticks with algebra, in return, they will give her something vague where they don't have to keep it it like respecting her privacy. Judy is all for it, so they negotiate with Lauren, using that. Lauren agrees to the verbal agreement. Linda asks if the agreement is in writing and when the answer is no, she tries to get a contract written. Brian finds out about it and says the agreement is too vague, so a real negotiation is established. Some of the terms includes, besides sticking with algebra and the privacy issue as originally agreed upon, if Lauren washes the dishes, she gets phone privileges sand she can study in her room with her friends and the door can be closed. Judy is happy because the Lauren does the dishes and doesn't have to be asked to do it and they're not fighting. Problems arise when Lauren brings Jason home to help her with algebra and they will be in her room. Judy is okay with it but Bill is totally against it. Lauren and Bill get into a fight, resulting in Bill removing Laren's door from it's hinges. They talk about terminating the contract, until Judy puts a stop to it. Lauren's door is put back into place and Judy finds out that Lauren has Jason doing her homework for her and in the end, Bill finds a way to get Lauren to continue taking algebra and putting effort into it.
29 September 2003
6 October 2003
13 October 2003
20 October 2003
As Brian is happily decked out in his new cheerleader sweater, Lauren is bummed. She used to be popular, but now in high school she's no longer getting accepted in anything she auditions for, lately the Fall dance show. Rather than have Lauren resort to taking up the clarinet again, Judy drags Bill to visit the school dance teacher. While there, Bill meets up with Madelyne the new drama teacher, a former classmate with whom Bill had a passionate summer fling 20 years ago. Following this happy reunion, Lauren gets a small part in the school play. Coincidence? Bill doesn't think so, not with a note from Madelyne asking for help back stage, a comment about a lot of catching up to do, and an offer of chili and beer at her house at night. Bill wearily avoids going to Madelyne's, and Lauren's monologue is thereafter cut from the show. Still a coincidence? Being told something of their past relationship, Judy immediately sends Bill back to flirt with Madelyne for the sake of their daughter, and Lauren winds up with a bigger role in the show. All a coincidence? Maybe, but will several revelations of that "Free Pass" summer, as Judy proclaims it, bring down the curtain on Lauren's stage career?
27 October 2003
Lauren is starting to hang around some new friends; Caitlin, Amber and Jenna. In addition, she's quit choir and Becca is no longer her best friend. While at the mall with her new friends, Lauren is accused of shoplifting a bracelet. Lauren denies it and she says she was trying it on and forgot about it. Bill is willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, but Judy is convinced she did it, because she did the same thing when she was Lauren's age. When Bill and Judy are going out, Judy goes to Lauren's room to borrow some lipstick; She finds an MP3 player under her bed; The one Lauren asked her parents if she could get some money for and they couldn't do it. When they confront Lauren about it, she says she has no idea how it got there and Bill is now convinced that she lied about the bracelet and she stole the MP3 player. For punishment, Lauren is grounded for one month; She has to return and apologize for stealing the MP3 player. In the end we find out that Lauren did not steal the MP3 player. Meanwhile, Linda wants to use Tina in an experiment for her psychology class.
3 November 2003
As Bill's 40th birthday approaches, Brian's issues of a delicate and personal nature become issues of trust after Bill discloses complete details of their recent man to man talk to Judy.
10 November 2003
17 November 2003
24 November 2003
15 December 2003
It would be the year to have Christmas dinner at Judy's parents' house except they go away on a cruise vacation, leaving Judy to think she can finally start some traditional Miller Family dinners at her own home for change, but she doesn't count on Bill's mom using emotional blackmail on her son to get the dinner moved to her apartment, instead. Meanwhile, Linda decides to help the downtrodden over the holidays by putting an ugly duckling from work through a makeover, and several unfortunate incidents keep Tina traumatized about Santa Claus.
5 January 2004
2 February 2004
Brian is the high school basketball team's statistician and seems like he's friends with them. While picking up the team who are quite drunk, Bill finds out the team has nicknamed Brian, "Jeeves", short for "Jeeves Our Helper Monkey" and that Brian is an errand boy and chauffeur to them. Quite upset, Bill makes it known to each of the player's parents that they're drunk. Bill and Judy, while talking to Brian, find out that being nicknamed "Jeeves" is no big deal and being an errand boy has it's perks. In addition, the team has now nicknamed Brian "Narc"; He is no longer the statistician and is demoted to being Coogie, the team's mascot. In an effort to smooth things over with the team, Bill talks to the them; He takes responsibility for getting them in trouble with their parents and that Brian wants to be statistician again. In addition, Bill says Brian and the family van can help the team in their prank to their rival, Hancock Magnet School. It only makes matters worse, when Bill talks to the coach and tells him about the prank and it gets the team in more trouble. Brian is still nicknamed "Narc" and Bill has a new nickname; "Suck". Bill and Judy the next day, get a call from the coach and Brian is accused of pulling off the prank against their rival. Linda meanwhile, after a date with Pete, dumps him because she considers him needy and she pawns him off to one of her co-workers. Now it appears that she is jealous since things seem to be going well for the two.
9 February 2004
16 February 2004
23 February 2004
Much to Bill's delight, his mother Louise has a new man in her life - Johnny. Bill's happy since he doesn't have to drive Louise on errands or take her shopping anymore and can be at home relaxing on "Couchy" (the family's couch: his words). After Bill and Judy meet him at a Chinese restaurant and later for dessert at their place, Judy isn't sure about him, thinking Johnny may have grabbed her butt. Unsure if she should tell Bill and Louise, she confides in Linda. Bill eventually finds about this. Judy decides that, since everyone will be at her and Bill's house for Louise's birthday, she will make herself very tempting for Johnny to want to do it again by wearing her best pants that will show her butt off, with Linda ready to witness it. Meanwhile, Brian and Tina are wrapping their grandmother's gift, leaving Lauren in a bind. She didn't get her "Nanna" a gift, so she declares she'll come up with a poem "from her heart" (she says) by that evening.
1 March 2004
It's St Patrick's Day and the Miller family will be participating in the parade. Brian,along with Donald and Hakim, are designing and building a float. While working on the float to Bill's dismay, since Bill wishes Brian was more like Fitz's son Scotty, who's the captain of the high school baseball team. When Hakim has to go home and Donald has to take him, Judy suggests to Bill that he should help Brian out and be more involved in his life and interests. Bill decides to get out of it by having Scotty help instead. While helping out, Brian discovers that Scotty is gay, after he asked him out on a boy on boy date. He tells it to Bill and Judy: Bill is trying to figure out how to tell Fitz and Judy objects, since she feels that Scotty needs to tell his Father. Judy, thinking Bill told Fitz about Scotty when he paid an impromptu visit, actually blurts it out instead. It turns out Fitz already knew and he's accepted the fact his son is gay. Bill sees this a "wake up call" to be part of Brian's life, decides to help him out, but he ends up making matters worse when he makes some changes to the float and it's damaged. In the end, Bill and Brian together find a way to fix the problem, doing it Brian's way. Meanwhile Lauren and Judy are participating in the parade doing Irish step dancing. Judy is dancing horribly and Lauren has to break the bad news to her Mom. Lauren tries to have someone else tell her, but they refuse. Lauren finally blurts it out to Judy that she's a horrible dancer and Judy is puzzled, when in the past she's been one of the best out on the dance floor. Eventually, Linda and Judy find out why. In addition, Tina has a cold and she loves the cold medicine she's given.
22 March 2004
Brian is in a panic because the PSATs are coming soon and when he did a practice test, Hakim did better. He wants to get a tutor, but his parents can't afford one. Judy suggests that he should get a job to pay for it and work at Bill's job at Berensen's. While working there, Brian is assigned to clean the stockroom and he gets that done quickly and with efficiency. This upsets "Mack" and "Fitz", because what he did, might make them work harder. Brian is constantly worrying about doing a good job and about the PSATs, so Bill convinces and teaches Brian to relax and stop worrying about things. Brian starts to relax, but he problem is he's too relaxed now and is considering skipping the PSATs. Judy is upset with Bill because he has Brian becoming lazy and if he skips the PSATs, he will regret it. Bill tells Brian that if he has an opportunity to better himself, he should take it. Brian points out that there is an announcement on the bulletin board in the stockroom for a management test they used as a hockey puck and why isn't he trying out for it. We find out that Bill has no desire to take the test, because the promotion means more stress, work for just a little more money and the test will be next week. Judy says she will help Bill study for the test, plus he needs to take it to set a good example to Brian and of all the kids, he will be the successful one, which Lauren and Tina hear it and Lauren, more than Tina is insulted. When Bill and Judy are going through Bill's employee handbook to study, they find it boring and are easily distracted. Bill starts to study on his own and Brian decides what to do with the PSAT test. Meanwhile, Linda has a new boyfriend, Kevin, but he has his son Jordan with him, so she recruits Lauren to accompany them, so they can double date.
19 April 2004
Boyfriend issues lead to man issues. Linda attends AA meetings just to be near Danny W, her latest interest, while Lauren plays basketball to be with Robbie, a boy who accuses her of cheating when she regularly bests him on the court. Judy, having just given the family car an oil change, explains that men don't like women who can do everything better - unlike Bill. At hearing this, Bill explains that he "gives" Judy some of the "lesser" man duties. Even so, Bill feels the need to prove his manliness for a change and answers Tina's call to kill a spider in her room. He goes after it demolishing Tina's doll house in the process. He says he'll fix it himself, but winds up having trouble and enlisting Brian's aid. Even so, he eventually gives up and heads to Tiny Town with Brian to shop for a new doll house, only to find that Judy'd been there and already purchased an exact replica from the store. Bill defiantly turns back to repairing the doll house. Seeing Lauren let Robbie beat her at basketball and Robbie become a swelled-headed jerk about it, Bill warmly tells her to be herself from now on and beat him. She agrees, since it's more work pretending to be less capable.
5 May 2004
Ted and Kathy Halverson have turned their basement into what he refers to as "Teen Scene," where the kids can hang out and play games. To respect the kids' privacy, they have installed what they call a Parent Bell, where they ring it and shout "parent on deck" whenever they enter. Lauren likes it because Kathy makes great snacks, listens and offers great advice. Judy says she wants to do this as well, because she wants Lauren to come to her for advice. She and Bill set up the garage as a hangout house. Once the kids are hanging out at the Millers, Ted is jealous that they're not at his place, so he installs a foosball table, a bumper pool table, a cotton candy machine and a sundae bar. In no time the kids are back. This now becomes a case of one-upmanship, as Judy decides to get a trampoline, which turns out to be a mistake. The Millers to put an end to the hangout house and let Ted have his "Teen Scene" back.
10 May 2004
Brian and Lauren are getting along, and a pile of fake I.D.'s and stashed cash in Brian's bedroom only confirm for Judy and Bill that they're both up to something, but trying to find out what, exactly, only shows up their shortcomings as parents.
17 May 2004
24 May 2004
Brian is selected to participate in the accelerated math program at Norhwestern University. In addition, he starts playing drums in a band at the student union with some others in his college class. Judy gets upset and worried when Brian starts coming home each night past his curfew and scolds him, using many of the parental clichés everyone has heard. When Judy grounds Brian, he becomes very defiant. Bill talks to Brian while Brian is in the garage unpacking his drums, telling Brian another parental cliché - "my house my rules." Consequently, Brian moves into the garage so he can live by his own rules. He proves himself very capable at independent living, but later, when fired by his fellow band members, he asks Bill if he can move back into the house. Elsewhere in the family, Tina is a Bluebell Girl but not much interested in it. Linda, however, wants to live the Bluebell experience through her because, when she was a girl, Judy got to be a Bluebell Girl but quit and their mom, thereafter, wouldn't allow Linda to join. Also, we hear Lauren singing. She sings well but no one in the family hears her talent - just her snoring when she's asleep.
20 September 2004
Lauren goes to see a doctor about her rash. When her parents hear that she might be depressed, they want to do everything to help her. Brian and Lauren then realize they can benefit from pulling a scam on their parents.
27 September 2004
Bill and Judy's neighbor Ed Bailey moves to Hawaii and they get new neighbors. Bill goes to make friends with them and learns that their new neighbors are a lesbian couple, Shelly and Terry, with a son, Chris, who goes to same school with Brian. Bill then gets Brian to tell Chris who's who in their school. Chris is immediately attracted to Lauren. Ed Bailey wouldn't sign a waiver to let Bill build a deck right next to his property, but Shelly and Terry say it's fine by them. Bill builds his deck. However, when Linda hears that the agreement is not in writing, she tells there is a danger that some day there might be a disagreement with the neighbors and should that happen, Shelly and Terry could legally enforce Bill to tear down the deck. So, in order to remain on good terms with them, Bill orders Lauren to go on a date with Chris.
4 October 2004
Linda's cat actually kills itself accidentally. Judy consoles her and they have the wake at their house. Lauren and Brian are reluctant to take part in the whole funeral thing and Judy has to order them to participate. When Bill is momentarily left alone with Judy he starts to make jokes about the cat's death and after a few Judy comes up with one too. Unfortunately Linda overhears them and is offended. Bill and Judy then have to come up with a suitable apology. Unfortunately Judy only comes up with the suggestion that Linda should have a relationship with a man instead of a cat.
11 October 2004
Linda is choosing wedding invitations with Perry. This leaves Judy without company. Judy tries to make new friends in the park without coming across as a freak. When that fails, he tries to get Lauren and Fitz to hang around with her. Bill and Judy question Brian about his savings that have disappeared. Brian confesses that he is now playing a trading card game called Wizards: The Beckoning (a spoof of Magic: The Gathering), and bought cards that cost $200 - "But by now my collection has to be worth at least a thousand dollars", he claims. When Bill realizes that Brian has won $800, he and Judy try to make Brian sell his collection of cards before they lose their value. Bill attends one of Brian's game tournaments where he is known as Miller the Merciless. Lord Hades taunts him and suddenly Bill does not want Brian to sell his cards - he wants him to beat the other players.
18 October 2004
When an after school program is cancelled, the kids' parents decide to have a meeting to determine how they can raise money to reinstate the program. They decide a silent auction offering items donated by the parents will be a good way to raise money. Everyone seems to have good items to offer, but Bill and Judy have nothing. They decide to offer a beef dinner for 2, followed by a tooth cleaning by Judy. No one bids on it, while the other items all have been bid on. Judy and Bill figure out that the reason people want the after school program to continue is to be able to get rid of their children for a couple of hours. At the last minute they change their donation item to an arts and crafts party for the 10 highest bidders. The parents rush the table and their item is a success, beating out the Halversons. The Halversons congratulate them and then suggest they will help with Bill and Judy with the party if they accept 20 highest bids. They all agree. A few days before the party, the Halversons call Judy and tell her they can't help with the party, since they have a sick aunt out of town and must go help her. The party goes on as planned and Judy and Bill are overwhelmed with children running everywhere and problems occurring. Bill returns from the store with some items for the party and tells Judy there are dozens of cars parked at the Halversons and they are having a party, apparently laughing at pulling a fast one on Bill and Judy, who then round up the children and bring eggs and toilet paper to "decorate" the Halversons house. Inside the Halversons are having a memorial for their aunt who died. As eggs hit the windows and toilet paper is streaming everywhere, the Halversons open the door and confront the Millers, who are then embarrassed about the huge mistake they made. A police siren can be heard in the distance and the Millers and kids scatter.
25 October 2004
After Judy screams at the entire family because of a dirty roasting pan she intentionally left on the kitchen table (it's become a a week). She wanted to see if it would be cleaned by someone other than her. She says she does all of the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. Bill starts cooking secretly after he's been watching a late night cable cooking show, "Debbie Does Dinner"; Thing is, he's good at it but he doesn't want the entire family to know, since he would have to do all the cooking duties. Eventually, when he's found out, he takes over all the cooking to Judy's delight, since she doesn't have to do it and the family has been eating well. With Bill's cooking, there's a problem; When Bill starts putting on an apron, Judy is turned off, because when she sees Bill, she sees Mrs Doubtfire and she feels, that he's becoming less of a man. Now Judy is torn between his great cooking and her perception of his less manliness.
8 November 2004
Judy gets alarming news from her doctor and gets the impulse to write a heartfelt farewell letter to Bill, just in case should the worst happen. She asks Bill to do the same, but he doesn't quite have the talent as a wordsmith so he has to seek alternative options of coming up with the letter...
15 November 2004
After Judy expresses a desire to have a better relationship with Bill's mother, Louise dupes her into accepting a cruise invitation. Meanwhile, Brian and Lauren compete to be the entertainment at Tina's birthday party.
22 November 2004
Brian is dating the school wallflower Brenda, but is also interested in the hot Kaitlin. Bill tells him how to "pull a Murphy": he used to date the school wallflower, which made him seem sensitive, and therefore interesting, in the eyes of the hot "school slut". Bill then broke up with the wallflower and got together with the "slut". Brian has a problem: his conscience does not allow him to pull a Murphy on Brenda. To his surprise, a solution presents itself, when Brian learns that Kaitlin would like a boyfriend like him AND he has to break up with Brenda because she is moving away - a "perfect Murphy", in Bill's words. But the surprise is not the last one...
29 November 2004
Each caught by their wives with the tape, Bill and Fitz blame each other, but when their wives reconcile from a past grievance, their web of lies threatens to unravel.
Season 3, Episode 11: Still Fast13 December 2004
Bill learns. to his disappointment, that Brian is a vice president of the school kite club. Bill also notices that Lauren's friend Chris is hanging around in their living room a lot. On Lauren's request, he retreats to upstairs. When Bill comes down for a snack after midnight, he catches Chris sneaking out and flips out even though Chris claims that he did "nothing" with Lauren. Judy arrives to calm Bill down and has a discussion with him. She trusts Lauren and Chris, but Bill claims that Chris's lesbian mothers have an undesirable influence on him. So they visit their neighbors in order to get them to help keep an eye on Chris, but they have an unwavering trust on their boy. Judy then suggests that Bill try to bond with Chris and earn his respect, which would make him respect Lauren as well. But how to bond?
3 January 2005
Lauren wants to go to a under-21 club but Judy won't let her go. There is a picture of Lauren and her father on the newspaper, except that the man in picture is actually Becca's dad. Judy concludes that Bill isn't spending enough time (or, more precisely, no time at all) with Lauren and Bill agrees to do something with Lauren. Not surprisingly, they find they have nothing to talk about, so they hatch a plan to make Judy think they have spent time together. Meanwhile, Judy can't resist trying out Linda's wedding gown.
17 January 2005
Brian has a crush on a girl called Carrie at school, but to her, he is invisible. Lauren encourages Brian by saying that he has a lot of potential - with a little bit of work, he "could actually be... a pretty good-looking guy". She then offers to give Brian a whole new look, because that would be a challenge to her. It all goes well, until a slight accident happens... Meanwhile, Bill wants to buy a muscle car of his dreams. Judy does not approve. Linda stops by with Perry, who is about to start making a music video of his dreams - but he hasn't even written the song yet! Since the video would be partly funded with Linda's money, Judy asks if it is really wise to spend the money that's been reserved for Linda and Perry's wedding. When Linda tells Bill about Judy's comment, he declares Judy a dream-crusher and suggests that Linda encourage Perry to make the music video. Then... Linda tells Judy about Bill's advice, and an argument ensues. In the end, Judy storms out, predicting that Bill's advice will result in things falling apart...
31 January 2005
Bill and Judy return home after a romantic date night and hear noise from the basement. Bill goes to investigate and returns to report that "Brian and Lauren's friends are down there" and adds: "I told a joke and cracked them up". Judy finds it odd, because "normal girls don't like Brian's friends" and, she points out, "no kids like your jokes". So she goes down with Bill in tow, looks around and sniffs the kids, but finds nothing. Then she accidentally bumps into one of the boys and hears bottles rattle inside his jacket. Lauren claims that the bottles are needed for a game of Spin the Bottle, but Judy calls her bluff out by spinning a bottle, forcing Lauren to choose between the truth and kissing one of Brian's nerd friends. Lauren confesses. The beer party is over. Brian and Lauren get grounded for two months. Bill and Judy have a talk with Ted and Kathy, the parents of one of the kids. Ted comes up with the idea of the parents setting an example for the kids by not drinking for one month. Bill and Judy are reluctant to commit to the idea. Some time later, Brian overhears Judy telling Bill that the other parents have agreed to not drink for a month and claiming that they too could do it, if they wanted. He tells this to Lauren and they both laugh at their parents. Then Linda points out that they do drink too much in front of the kids. So Bill and Judy announce to Brian and Lauren that they will abstain from drinking for a whole month. Not as easy as they think it will be...
7 February 2005
Fitz is having trouble not to think about his divorce while watching football with Bill and Mack. Bill is having trouble enjoying the game. Then Fitz leaves and the guys rejoice. Judy, however, finds that sad and decides that she and Bill should visit Fitz to cheer him up. They are amazed when they find out that Fitz has a pretty sweet apartment - and there's even a bar on the ground floor. Bill and Judy go there with Fitz and Judy gets the idea that she and Bill should pretend to be single and help "sell" Fitz to a single woman. Judy finds an attractive woman, Denise, and leads her to the guys' table. Denise and Fitz kind of hit it off, so Bill and Judy's mission is accomplished. What to do next? What to do...
14 February 2005
Louise and Johnny are getting married. They set the date in two weeks on Valentine's Day and she wants the family to take part. Lauren and Tina will be the bridesmaids, Brian will play the guitar, Bill will give her away and Judy will be her matron of honor. However, Judy is less than thrilled but if she doesn't accept, Louise said the wedding will be postponed indefinitely. Louise has Judy running ragged and she is wants to quit, but Bill tells her she only has 3 days left and things will be great after that. Al, meanwhile, has flown in from Florida and he says he going to stop the wedding. Would Judy still go ahead with the wedding?
21 February 2005
7 March 2005
Brian is getting anonymous instant messages from a girl and believes it is Lauren's tutor, Sarah. Unbeknown to him Lauren is the person sending the messages just to play with Brian.
21 March 2005
18 April 2005
2 May 2005
23 May 2005
Linda and Perry are finally getting married. The main reason being, Perry's Foghat Cover band, that was supposed to go on tour, got canceled. The wedding will be at the local VFW Hall and will have a rock n roll theme. Although Judy is happy for Linda, she's skeptical about the whole thing. She wonders if this wedding is what Linda wants and if Perry is the right man for her. To Linda, all that matters is that she's marrying Perry. In addition, Judy wonders how Perry will support Linda and a family since he's unemployed. Bill says that he and his band will have steady work performing in a casino/lounge in Reno, as they signed a contract for 2 years, and that Linda will accompany him. Judy is upset because Linda never mentioned this to her and feels that Linda should be with someone more stable, like Glen, the stockbroker she used to date. Judy and Linda go out to dinner to plan for Linda's bachelorette party, but in actuality, Judy's arranged to have Glen come, to show Linda that, with someone like him, she could do a whole lot better than Perry. Linda is tired of Judy putting Perry down and says Judy shouldn't come to the wedding if this is how she feels about him. Now Judy is upset because she won't be going to the wedding. She says she can't change the way she feels about Perry and that Linda is throwing her life away by having Perry force her into quitting her job and following him to Reno. Perry pays a visit to the house to drop off marital gifts and has a talk with Judy. He convinces her that he loves Linda, that she decided to go to Reno with him, and that she (Judy) needs to be at the wedding. He asks her to come. With Judy and Linda making up, Linda has her bachelorette party, with Bill getting designated driving duty for the highly drunk women. When it's down to just Bill, Judy and Linda, and Judy passes out, Linda talks to Bill. She tells him she's happy marrying Perry but that she would've settled for almost anybody, just as long as she got married before she turned 40. When Bill asks her if she's serious about that, she passes out. By wedding day, Bill is still bothered about what Linda said in the mini-van. He thinks about saying nothing, but then confronts Linda and asks her if she's marrying Perry for the right reasons. Bill says she shouldn't marry Perry just to meet a certain deadline and that she deserves to be happy. She convinces Bill that she's marrying Perry because she loves him. She and Perry get married. After they return from their honeymoon, Linda and Perry announce their future plans.
23 May 2005
Brian has the chance to go to Italy for three months as an exchange student and he couldn't be more excited, until Linda tells him about her misadventures in France. Reluctant to go, he tries to sabotage the trip by breaking the rules at home. Bill and Judy are wondering why he's acting this way and they figure that he may be afraid of going and doesn't want to admit it. Brian, now more enthusiastic about going, looks foward to camping, hiking and fishing in the country. This bothers Bill, because he always promised Brian they would go camping and he has yet to do it. They eventually argue and the camping trip is off. Judy wonders why...
21 September 2005
Brian is back from Italy from the summer abroad program and while there, he has met a girl named Monica. He says that he's fallen in love with her. Bill and Judy are trying to tell Brian that long distance relationships don't work and that he should meet a girl here. Brian finds out that Monica can come to Chicago and asks his parents for the money to fly her here. They tell them they can't afford to, so Brian says he'll use the money he would've used for homecoming. Bill once again tries to tell Brian that he should meet a girl here in Chicago. Brian says that he lost his virginity to her and that it was something special. She also says he was her first time as well. Bill is pleased that this happened and he agrees that they should spend the money to get her here. Judy, still opposed to this ends up agreeing to this as well, when Bill tells her what happened and they both agree that they should wire her the money.While Bill and Brian hang out at a cigar bar, Bill finds out from Noom that Monica is a scam artist. His son Jeremy lost his virginity to her and Bill starts hearing the same exact story Brian told him. Noom said Jeremy wired the money to her, so she can see him, in the end, he was out $600 and she broke his son's heart. When Judy looked into it, through the program's coordinator, she found out that in Italy, Monica is a local girl, who likes to prey on who she thinks are rich Americans. Bill thinks they should tell Brian the truth, but Judy is opposed to it , because it will ruin his memories of his first time and this could screw up his outlook on women. In the end, Bill decides how to handle the situation. Perry is back in town and while he and Linda were making love, Perry suffers a concussion when he hits his head on the headboard, many times and is unable to travel back to Reno until the concussion clears up. When Perry is doing better, Linda keeps giving him more concussions, so he cannot go.
28 September 2005
The Miller's neighbors, Terry and Shelly, have a favor to ask. The cable guy is coming while they are away and they need someone to let him in, so they give Bill and Judy the keys to their house. However, when they return and ask for the key back, they suspect Bill of using their shower and Judy of taking some of Shelly's perfume. And when the cable guy came, nobody answered the door! In their defense, Judy tells them she's been waiting three weeks for Bill to fix their upstairs bathroom. All of this loses importance when Terry and Shelly discover that their son Chris missed his cello lesson because he drove Lauren and her friends to the mall instead, with more plans for future outings. Terry isn't thrilled and lets Bill and Judy know that. Shelly cuts to the chase: are Lauren and Chris dating or is she just using him?
5 October 2005
There's a new guy moving in next door to Bill and Judy. Bill couldn't be less interested but Judy invites him over to say hello. Then it turns out that their new neighbor Kyle is part of the Polsky Beer family whose successful business was started by Kyle's grandfather. Kyle isn't the brightest of the bunch so his brothers run the company and Kyle stays home, enjoying the free beer. And just like that, Bill has a new best buddy. When spending time with Kyle becomes Bill's priority and Kyle erects a full-size scoreboard just by the Millers' fence, Judy realizes she's made a mistake.
12 October 2005
Lauren says she should start thinking about college and that she'd like to participate on a tour in Loyola on Friday evening. Judy doesn't buy the cover story, of what is obviously a frat party, and forbids Lauren from going. Bill requests Brian to help him insulate the attic. Judy and Linda are forced to attend traffic school because of tickets. Unlike in high school, Linda becomes popular with everyone while Judy is left out and left to hang with an intellectual sitting in the back corner. Despite having been told not to go, Lauren goes to the party anyway but is later forced to call Brian to pick her up, which gives Brian leverage to force Lauren into being his "slave," or else he will tell Bill and Judy. Lauren, however, starts a power struggle when she successfully bluffs Brian into revealing where the "dirt" on him is hidden. Bill finds out about their lies but says their mother need not know - if Brian and Lauren become his attic insulation slaves.
19 October 2005
Bill doesn't notice that Fitz is behind him and makes the mistake of calling Kyle "the best friend" he's ever had. Bill had invited Fitz to watch the game, but forgot all about it while in paint ball war with Kyle. The game is over, but Fitz has recorded it and Bill makes amends by watching it with him. Judy is worried because she has a lot of chores for Bill to do while she's at work, but Bill assured that he can do them all. But when Kyle shows up and invites Bill, Fitz and Brian to see his new 70" big screen TV, Bill's priorities get mixed. And that's not all Kyle has acquired. Trouble ahead.
2 November 2005
Judy is turning forty and says she has absolutely no problem with it. Her mother, Helen, is in town to celebrate it and Judy is very insistent that her mom should have her eyes checked, going so far as not letting her drive until she does. Everyone is starting to wonder if Judy really has a problem with turning forty. Helen is doing what she can to avoid the optometrist. She convinces Bill, who is driving her, to go to the casino so she can shoot craps instead of going to her appointment. Judy is more than annoyed with Bill when she finds out Helen was a no show to her appointment. The next day, Bill is once again driving Helen to her appointment, but this time Judy has Linda accompany them to make sure Helen makes it, but Helen manages to manipulate Linda into avoiding the optometrist and goes back to the casino. In the end, we find out who really has a problem with Judy turning forty. Meanwhile, Brian, Lauren and Tina are in a bind. They have to figure out what to give Judy for her birthday when she says she doesn't want them to spend any money and that the gift must "come from the heart".
9 November 2005
Bill's dad Al is coming for a visit and the girls are temporarily accommodated in the basement. Bill tells Judy that Al has changed for better since meeting his fiancée, Joy. And Al has promised to be a better father. Turns out that Joy has a son an Al is going to be a better father to him. Oh, and Bill's new step-brother's name is also Bill, so the original Bill (vol. 1) has to change his name. Unless he can sort out this terrible mess.
23 November 2005
Bill and Judy have agreed to meet Tina's classmate Timmy Clark's parents over a dinner and are reluctant to go - until they discover that the Clarks too hate their own kids! Later, Bill is shocked to find out that Judy has already had other activity with the Clarks - without him. And the Clarks have invited Judy exclusively to dinner at a restaurant with them. Bill decides to crash the dinner. Linda and Brian buy matching cell phones and later they accidentally get switched. To Brian and his friend Douglas's shock, Linda's cell phone contains a video of Linda spanking herself.
14 December 2005
"Christmas Hell" is causing Judy stress and she proposes that this Christmas, she and Bill reduce the workload, like, for example, by not getting presents for each other. Bill takes this seriously, but luckily for him, his pal Kyle, on basis of experience from three divorces, advises him to get Judy a present. Brian loses his job as a Christmas carol singer at the mall and has to help Judy decorating the house. That job was supposed to belong to Lauren, but she doesn't have to do it since she has a job at a restaurant - or so she claims. Brian finds out that Lauren is lying and wants in on the scam. Suddenly he too has "a job". Also, having "jobs" mean they don't have to go see Judy's mother with the others. Can they pull it off?
11 January 2006
Bill and Judy have to put up with Marion going on about how wonderful her and Fitz's marriage is so after finding out that Marion & Fitz are going to the Rolling Stones concert conceive to buy tickets for the same concert and then end up playing a cat and mouse game with each other when both 'lose the tickets' which they haven't bought in order to guilt Marion and Fitz to giving them their tickets - but they didn't bargain on Brian.
18 January 2006
The Millers go to dinner at Bill's mother and stepfather's new, 5,000 sq.ft mansion, on a Friday night and Lauren is not happy - she'd rather be at three parties taking place that night. But then again, she's got her 16th birthday coming, so she's looking forward to that. Judy and Linda are actually trying to come up with a theme for the party. Then Lauren says she's been thinking and has decided that she does not need a party. Brian rats her out by revealing that Lauren is afraid her party will be lame because "people have major sweet sixteens these days - they have DJs and catering and the whole thing." Judy announces that she will deliver the party Lauren wishes for - even if it means taking the money from BCF, a.k.a. Brian's College Fund. Then Bill's stepfather hears that the BCF is not enough and offers to pay for Lauren's party. Everything seems perfect. What could go wrong?
25 January 2006
Both Bill and Judy are spending way too much time at Kyle's "Polsky Mansion". Perry is on a tour and refuses to come home to celebrate his six-month wedding anniversary with Linda. Having decorated her and Perry's home apparently for nothing, Linda gets the idea to decorate Kyle's place, because Kyle has been divorced for 5 years and is looking for a more mature woman as a permanent partner. When Bill discovers that Linda is ruining Kyle's place, he turns to Judy, pointing out that she's going to lose her much-loved steam room at Kyle's. Judy tries to talk Linda out of the project, but fails. She then has only one option: to make Bill place an anonymous call to a jealous Perry.
1 February 2006
Bill's mother, who nobody likes, arrives to spend a week at the Millers. And she brought her cross-stitching equipment, buttons and glue gun. Meanwhile, Brian is about to flunk in gym. Bill was in high school with Brian's teacher and tries to help Brian, with the usual results.
15 February 2006
Bill mistakes Lauren's purse for Judy's and is shocked to find e pills there. Then he learns that Lauren has been car pooling with some Nick guy from school and can't help but try to find out if Lauren is having sex. He tries to eavesdrop on her using a baby monitor, but when that backfires, an ever-escalating chain of paybacks and cons begins... Who's making fool out of whom in the end and who's *actually* telling the truth?
22 February 2006
Bill takes Brian out to a gentlemen's club for his 18th birthday, but worries when Brian starts spending all his time there. Meanwhile, Linda regrets giving Lauren a poem for her homework when it may end up winning an award.
22 February 2006
The Oprah show. Louise really gets under Judy's skin. Lauren impeaches Brian as president of the meteorology club, and uses the clubs $4000.00 on a ski trip.
1 March 2006
When Judy's coaching prowess has Tina's hoops team heading towards the playoffs, Bill selfishly tries to put an end to the winning.
Season 4, Episode 18: Still Bad1 March 2006
Judy wants the job of assistant to Dr. Holman the dentist, so she needs her family to behave like the ideal family on a dinner at his place. Meanwhile, Brian gets a cut during a knife fight scene in West Side Story and meets Amy, a hot girl who makes the mistake of thinking Brian is talking about a real knife fight - a story which makes her hot for Brian. Brian is about to explain that he is not really a bad boy in a gang, but Bill urges him to seize the chance to get the girl, so Brian continues playing the role. Difficulties arise when the Millers arrive at the Holmans and it turns out that Amy is Dr. Holman's secretly rebelling daughter. Brian now needs to make Amy think he is a bad boy who's pretending to be a nerd when his parents are around, when the truth is that he actually *is* a nerd. And Dr. Holman is also a nerd with a room full of nerdy collector's items. Brian needs to choose: the girl or the items?
8 March 2006
When Judy discovers Al has told his fiancée that he's a millionaire, Bill confronts him, but it turns out Bill's the one who's been lied to. Meanwhile, Brian seeks a way to help pay for college.
8 March 2006
Brian graduates. Bill and Judy don't feel emotionally shaken like most parents. Brian gets into a summer program at the university and is moving out. Bill and Judy start planning new uses for Brian's room.
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