Half & Half (2002–2006)
Phyllis Thorne: Maybe you'll find yourself a man this year.
Mona Thorne: But Ma, I'm surrounded by men all the time: Orville Redenbacher, Captain Crunch, Dr. Pepper... Hey, you always wanted me to end up with a doctor.
Phyllis Thorne: Just when I think you've hit rock bottom, you start digging a tunnel.
Mona Thorne: Did Morgan Freeman finally answer your letters?
Phyllis Thorne: No, but his lawyers did. I guess my last love poem was a little raw.
Dee Dee Thorne: [chanting] Chaos cannot enter the place wherein the Serenity Candle burns...
Big Dee Dee Thorne: [storming through the door] I've left your father!
Dee Dee Thorne: Well's there 30 bucks down the toilet.
[blows out candle]
Big Dee Dee Thorne: [during construction in Dee Dee's apartment] I don't want to see anything else in this apartment that has to be repaired with a bucket of spackle and a putty knife!
[suddenly noticing Phyllis]
Big Dee Dee Thorne: Too late. Phyllis is here. Come to see what pricey porcelain looks like?
Phyllis Thorne: I've already seen your teeth.
Dee Dee Thorne: [speaking to Spencer] Can you move? I'm afraid the scent of desperation will draw flies.
Andre Spencer Williams: It's a well known fact: To keep a man, you have to feed a man. Here, I'll prove it to you. Hey, Tina, what the fastest way to a man's heart?
Tina: Through his chest with a sharp knife. Give me something hard next time.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: We're going to have many happy years together.
Mona Thorne: Yeah, you and Daddy are quite the pair.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: I was talking about my credit card.
Phyllis Thorne: Oh, what a day! I've never had to dry so many tears.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: You poor dear. Were you trying on bathing suits again?
Big Dee Dee Thorne: Well, since no one has offered to buy me a drink, I guess I'll buy my own. Now I know how Phyllis feels.
Andre Spencer Williams: [while attempting to find a weekend date] Excuse me. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
[woman promptly leaves]
Tina: Hard to believe you beat out 100 million other sperm.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: [eyeing Phyllis as Mona throws her out of her apartment] Phyllis...
Phyllis Thorne: Big Dee Dee...
Big Dee Dee Thorne: What a pleasant surprise. You here everyday living through your daughter.
Phyllis Thorne: For your information, I am here to give my daughter some advice.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: Well, I'm giving mine the new Armani Fall Collection, but advice is good, too.
Phyllis Thorne: [noticing Big Dee Dee's Pomeranian] I see you brought your lunch.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: Thinking of food, as usual. This is my baby Coco.
[kisses Coco's head]
Phyllis Thorne: I see the resemblance. I'm more of a cat person myself.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: I figured. I didn't think all that hair on your clothes came from a man.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: [after Dee Dee's new jacuzzi leaks into Mona's apartment and floods it] Oh, my. Is that mildew I smell or Phyllis's wet hair?
Phyllis Thorne: If you don't want me to use that cheap wig as a mop, I suggest you shut your trap.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: [after bumping into Phyliis holding an object in the hallway] Phyllis, what is that monstrosity? And I don't mean that riot of polyester and lint you call an outfit.
Phyllis Thorne: It's a cuckoo clock. I got it for Mona at a garage sale.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: In other words, JUNK.
Phyllis Thorne: *You* found a home, why shouldn't it?
Big Dee Dee Thorne: So basically, trash is the best you can do for your daughter? I just bought Dee Dee a state-of-the-art pager/digital camera/doesn't this make your gift pathetic/why do you even bother getting up in the morning?
Big Dee Dee Thorne: [noticing Mona with Phyllis while leaving Dee Dee's apartment] Oh, hi, pudding pop! We have a favor to ask you.
Phyllis Thorne: Sorry, we don't have any virgin blood. You'll just have to age like the rest of us.
Dee Dee Thorne: Mona, would you mind keeping an eye on my apartment? Mom and I are going out of town for the weekend.
Mona Thorne: Sure.
Big Dee Dee Thorne: Yes, we're off to Spa de Soleil for a mother-daughter bonding session and deep-tissue massages.
[glances at Phyllis]
Big Dee Dee Thorne: For those of us who have forgotten, that's when someone touches your body.
Phyllis Thorne: How would you like a deep-tissue massage with the heel of my shoe?