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(2002–2004)

Quotes

Sister Brenda: You can't fire me. I'm a friggin nun.

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Dylan Messinger: The expression is bonk.

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Jake Silver: Do you not know what boinking is?

Claire: Yes, it's what you aren't doing.

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Lucia Rojas-Klein: What about Steve from craft services?

Dylan Messinger: Yeah, sure.

Lucia Rojas-Klein: Do you think Jake is cute?

Dylan Messinger: I haven't really thought about it.

Lucia Rojas-Klein: Oh, and you thought of Fat Steve with the sandles and snaggled toe?

Dylan Messinger: Lucia, I'm happy with Gavin.

Lucia Rojas-Klein: Ah, listen to you. I did not ask if you were happy with Gavin, I asked if you thought Jake was cute.

Dylan Messinger: I told you haven't really thought about it.

Lucia Rojas-Klein: Are you thinking about it now?

Dylan Messinger: No.

Lucia Rojas-Klein: Are you thinking about it now?

Dylan Messinger: No.

Lucia Rojas-Klein: Are you thinking about it now?

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Sister Brenda: If we're talking in religious terms.

Dylan Messinger: What do you mean?

Sister Brenda: If the UPS man was a hymn, I'd sing him everyday.

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Jake Silver: There's something about your eyes and your smile... and it's not just that they light up a room. They're the gateway to a world I want to be a part of.

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Frank Alfano: Penny Lane, penny for your thoughts, Pennies from Heaven.

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Gavin Stone: It's not witchcraft, it's a palm pilot.

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[in the dressing room]

Gavin Stone: What are you doing in here?

Penny: [Sitting in a chair, reading a magazine] I'm on my way to the warehouse to pick up some film, and with all this traffic, it might be a while.

Gavin Stone: Why are you smoking?

Penny: It's my car, I can do what I want.

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Jake Silver: My hair is at the peak of its cycle. It's full, but not a Jake-fro.

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Jake Silver: Ok, now I'm gonna have to back up over you with my whoopass mobile.

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Gavin Stone: I only have so many apologies to give. This just feels too stupid to waste one on.

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Gavin Stone: You don't seem to be burdened with any sexual hang ups.

Penny: Dog, I am a slut with skills.

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Penny: You know what? The funny thing is, you and I are exactly alike. We make decisions with our hearts, and then let our heads handle the cleanup.

[starts to sob]

Penny: I just wish your heart had picked me.

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Claire: Jake, I need you to sign my paycheck.

Jake Silver: Claire, this is my paycheck.

Claire: You sound just like that bitchy teller.

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Penny: I can't believe that girl actually thought I had a crush on you. She's crazier than a bum arguing with his elbow.

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Jake: Look, just be nice to Dylan. It's not a chore. Try complimenting her instead of putting peanut butter in her clogs and mayonnaise in her coffee.

Penny: It looks just like creamer... I'm told.

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Dylan: Are you accusing me of manipulating Jake?

Penny: Hey, if the peanut buttery clog fits, wear it.

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[Claire sees a poster of herself and cannot believe how old she looks]

Claire: [pointing to her moles and age-spots] Look what those butchers did to me.

Jake: Those "butchers"? You mean, "Time and Vodka"?

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Roberta Diaz: You're actually willing to let him go? You must be a COMPLETE IDIOT.

Jake: That hurts... only because of your voice.

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[Gavin and Dylan have broken up and Jake goes to see Gavin]

Gavin: Who's there?

Jake: It's me, Jake.

[Gavin looks through the peephole, but can't see Jake]

Gavin: Prove it. Jump up.

Jake: Ha, ha. I'm short. Open the door.

Gavin: Why?

Jake: I don't think you should be alone tonight.

Gavin: Sure, make your move when I'm vulnerable.

Jake: Ha, ha. I'm *gay*.

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Gavin: You know, Silver, uppers don't make you taller.

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Jake: Roberta, you can't be serious. What, do you think Stone is Stone Phillips? He's not even McKENZIE PHILLIPS .

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[trying to convince Dylan there's nothing between him and Penny]

Jake: I mean, it's Penny. She's like my little brother.

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Dylan: Jake, why are you talking like the frosted mini-wheat?

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Jake: Yeah, well some girl named Penny was supposed to pick me up at the airport.

Girl: Oh, Penny. Well there's your problem. She's completely unreliable. I mean, she's hot, but all she does is scarf the free food, hang around the office and annoy people.

Jake: Well there's one in every office.

Girl: Yeah.

Jake: I'm Jake Silver.

Girl: I'm Penny.

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Jake: When you were younger, and fat, what was that name the kids used to call you?

Gavin: Fat kid.

Jake: Oh. Kids are so original. And accurate.

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Penny: ...I need to know what your office drug policy is.

Jake: Um, no drugs.

Penny: Got it. Now, do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?

Jake: Yes.

Penny: Got it. Um, is weed a drug?

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Claire: Trust me. I have the wisdom of a woman twice my age.

Jake: That means nothing, you claim to be a woman half your age. So your saying you have the wisdom of a woman your age.

Claire: Thats right, thirty-nine.

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Frank: ...roller disco, three time champ.

Penny: Is that a sport, or just the gayest thing you can do on skates?

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Frank: Wanna feel my arm-muscle? It's freakishly over-developed.

Penny: What is this? Hand me a lawsuit day?

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[Jake is mocking Gavin's 12-step alcoholic program]

Gavin: Oh, oh, oh. You're making a joke about alcoholics. You think alcoholics are funny.

Jake: I sure hope they're funnier than recovering alcoholics.

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[Gavin is dressing up as a street thug and going on an undercover sting]

Gavin: You know what it takes to survive on the street, Silver?

Jake: Velvet jogging suits and pancake-make up?

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[Seeing Gavin's diamond earrings]

Penny: Ooooh, nice. Wanna trade? Hey, tell me, what did George Michael get for them? Oh, wait. Never mind... I already know.

Gavin (smirking): Big words from someone who's footprints are on the front of my windshield.

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Penny: That's the problem. I think I'm still kinda hung up on him.

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Dylan: Why'd you kiss me back?

Jake: Self defense?

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[Penny is eating a big piece of chocolate cake]

Jake: What are you eating?

Penny: Birthday cake. Oh, by the way, later your colleagues will be surprising you with MOST of a birthday cake.

Jake: Wow, what a coincidence. At the end of the week I'll be surprising you with MOST of a paycheck.

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Penny: What are you, my third grade teacher? Be nice to Mooktelah, she's far from home.

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[Gavin and Jake are both dressed as "The Flash" for Halloween]

Gavin: Silver?

Jake: Gavin?

Gavin: All right, take that off. I want you out of the costume right now.

Jake: I bet that's not the first time you've said that to another man wearing spandex in a gay bar.

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Gavin: Oh great, more about Silver. I guess it's "bring your obsession to work day." He can see where mommy works.

Dylan: I am not obsessed by Jake. I wish YOU weren't so threatened by him.

Gavin: ME, threatened by Silver? Why, what's he going to do, knee-cap me with an upper-cut?

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Gavin: Silver's come down with a case of... mono.

Dylan: Jake has mono?

Gavin: Yep. From kissing... another man.

Dylan: Jake did NOT get mono from kissing a man.

Gavin: Oh, yes, he did.

Dylan: Why would Jake be kissing a man?

Gavin: I don't know, who knows why hobbits do anything?

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Dylan Messinger: [showing up late at Jake's apartment] It's drunk, and I'm raining.

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Jake Silver: Frank, this is beneath you...

Frank Alfano: Not true, Jake, I can go *much* lower.

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Gavin Stone: [to Jake] Tell me, do you need special scissors to split heirs like that?

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[Jake is smelling pillows on which Dylan sat, after she left]

Claire: You are smelling pillows?

Jake Silver: I can stop anytime I want!

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Gavin Stone: You're my girlfriend.

Penny: You're my boyfriend.

Gavin Stone: So the next step is to find beach and run in slow motion.

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Jake Silver: Gavin, a little tough on the spelling-bee champ.

Gavin Stone: Hey, a girl that chunky should know how to spell dessert.

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Penny: Okay, Jake, I'm gonna try and make this clear enough for you to finally grasp, okay? Dylan is in love with Gavin. Gavin is her man. Gavin, not you. You're Jake. Jake is not her man. Her man is Gavin. Gavin is not Jake. Jake is alone.

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Penny: Solitaire or porn?

Jake Silver: I'm working.

Penny: Porn.

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Gavin Stone: Hey, Bessie. You wanna go easy on that cud?

Lucia Rojas-Klein: Why does everything have to turn into a cheap insult with you, woman hips?

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Jake Silver: You know what sucks? Look at us, we're both easy-going, and smart, and funny. Why can't love be like this? You know, just two people hanging out. Easy, no angst, no drama, no -

Penny:

  • crystals?


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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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