Cedric the Entertainer Presents (2002–2003)
Cafeteria Lady: That's Mrs. Cafeteria Lady, Nathaniel. Now unlike yo' mama, some of us know how to keep a husband!
Cafeteria Lady: You may be a math teacher over there, but in here, you nothin' but a substance abuser that can count to ten!
Mama: Now, fifteen liars that told the same lie don't make it true. If I was to put syrup on a shoe, you wouldn't called it a pancake, would ya?
[court grows quiet]
Mama: ANSWER ME!!!
Mama: Randy Moss, call me!!
Mama: You want national security? I got a church full of nosy ol' ladies. Put them in the CIA and they'll find out everybody's business. They'll tell you where Osama *been* and where Osama gon' be!
Mama: [when Glen Cox interrupts] Excuse me, but was I talking to you? Did you hear your name? Was I talking to you? Did you hear your name? Did you hear *it*?
Glen Cox: No, but--
Mama: Did you hear IT? Answer me!
Glen Cox: No.
Mama: Well, you need to shut up when grown folks is talkin'. You need to learn your manners. This whole country needs to learn their manners.
[replies to request of green beans]
Cafeteria Lady: Ain't no mo' green beans! Just mashed potatoes and corn!
Glen Cox: Since you are a natural blonde, how long did it take for you to put it on with those eagle talons you call nails, Mama?!? (laughs)
Interviewer: Oh no, you didn't!
Mama: First of all, it is my hair. I got the receipt in my purse to prove it. And second, don't you *ever* talk to Mama like that again, or I'm gonna beat you until this belt sizzles! (snaps belt)
Glen Cox: You will do no such thing!
Mama: Bring it on!
[A question is asked about global warming.]
Mama: You asked the right person about global warming. I heated a whole house with a blow dryer and and a waffle iron. You do the math!
Glen Cox: This answer is as ridiculous as this mink tarp that you've got around your buttocks. It's summertime.
Mama: First of all, that's sable, so that shows you where you at. And second of all, I ain't afraid of no man that I can see the top of their head. He little!
[on the game show "Taste Buds"]
Howard: [tastes food] It's served on an open grill...................You know what this can use? Some hot sauce!
Game Show Host: Looks like you'll have to stop guessing meats.
Baby: How do you know all that stuff?
Malik: I'm advanced. My nanny said so.
Trey: You mean the one that shakes you.
Swipe from "Thug Prankz": Ho-hum. A lovely day at the grocery store. I don't think so, trick!!
Cafeteria Lady: The green beans are for the children. Children like little Joey. Family's so po' they house sittin' on a kickstand!
Cafeteria Lady: Come back here, Joey! You know yo' mama ain't comin' back 'till last call!
Cafeteria Lady: Somebody need to get they white mama to get they black grandma and teach her how to do her hair!
Mama: Did you do it? Did you embezzle that man's 3 million dollars? You better tell me before I slap you cross-eyed!
Man: No, Mama!
Mama: I'm satisfied!
Lawyer: Mama , this is--
Mama: Sit yo' a** down!
Woman: You are the worst lawyer ever!
Lawyer: Nobody didn't say nothin' when you was out killin' people!
Spencer Elwood: There has been a certain issue. One that has touched me directly.
[plays "Hail to the Chief" on the radio]
Spencer Elwood: This whack-behind Presidential song! You can't Harlem-shake to that!
Cafeteria Lady: I'm a bicycle with the seat off, I'll get in yo ass!
Cafeteria Lady: I'm like a gay guy at a strip club, I really don't care!
Cafeteria Lady: Hey there, what are them books you readin?
Man: Nothing you would understand; It's beyond your scope!
Cafeteria Lady: Let me tell YOU what's beyond scope, your breath!
Cafeteria Lady: Well I am like a double shot of Novocain, I ain't really feelin' for you!
Cafeteria Lady: I'm like an unpaid electric bill, I'll put your lights out!
Cafeteria Lady: I'm like a overheated hot-air balloon, I'll drop it like it's hot!