Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.
Elf Teacher: Now, before we learn how to build the latest in extreme graphic chipset processors, let's recite the code of the elves, shall we?
[Buddy sees the mail room for the first time]
Buddy: This place reminds me of Santa's Workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.
Buddy: [phone rings, Buddy picks it up] Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?
Buddy: Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas Carol.
Jovie: No way.
Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.
Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.
Jovie: I *can* sing, I just choose *not* to sing. Especially in front of other people.
Buddy: If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.
Jovie: Actually, there's a BIG difference.
Buddy: No there's not. Wait...
[Starts singing loud and off-key]
Buddy: I'm singing/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!/I'm in a store/and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!
Gimbel's Manager: HEY! There's no singin' in the North Pole!
Buddy: Yes there is!
Gimbel's Manager: No there's not!
Buddy: We sing all the time!
Gimbel's Manager: No you don't!
Buddy: Especially when we build toys!
[Back to Jovie]
Miles Finch: [pitching ideas for a book] No tomatoes. Too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.
Walter: See, I told you guys. I told them the same thing...
Miles Finch: And no farms. Everyone's pushing small town rural. A farm book would just be white noise.
Buddy: What about santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat those too?
Puffin: Hey Buddy wanna pick some snowberries?
Buddy: Not now Arctic Puffin!
Buddy: [out of breath from chasing Michael] Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited 5 hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?...
- Go away !
Gimbel's Manager: [showing Buddy around the floor] This, is the North Pole.
Buddy: No it isn't.
Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is.
Buddy: No it isn't.
Gimbel's Manager: Yes it is!
Buddy: No it's not. Where's the snow?
Gimbel's Manager: Why are you smiling like that?
Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite
Walter: Who sent this Christmas Gram?
Buddy: What's a Christmas Gram? I want one!
Buddy: Who the heck are you?
Gimbel's Santa: What are you talkin' about? I'm Santa Claus.
Buddy: No, you're not.
Gimbel's Santa: Uh, why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Buddy: Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?
Gimbel's Santa: Um, Happy Birthday of course. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. How old are you son?
Kid with Santa: Four.
Gimbel's Santa: You're a big boy. What's your name?
Kid with Santa: Paul.
Gimbel's Santa: Now what can I get you for Christmas?
Buddy: Don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.
Gimbel's Santa: Let the kid talk.
Buddy: You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel's Santa: Just cool it, Zippy.
Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
Gimbel's Santa: Look, I'm not kiddin'.
Buddy: You're a fake.
Gimbel's Santa: I'm a fake?
Gimbel's Santa: How'd you like to be dead, huh? Ho, ho, just kidding.
Buddy: You stink.
Gimbel's Santa: I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right.
Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa.
Gimbel's Manager: 6-inch ribbon curls honey.
Jovie: That's impossible.
Gimbel's Manager: 6 INCHES!
Buddy: Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...
Buddy: [thinking Miles is an elf] Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70 inch plasma screen. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.
Buddy: [after a pause] He's an angry elf.
[Miles promptly attacks him]
Emily: [tries some of Buddy's spaghetti with syrup] Oh, that's good.
Buddy: [burps loud and long] Did you hear that?
Michael: You're so weird.
Buddy: Do you remember me?
Deb: I do! I didn't recognize you!
Buddy: I know I'm in work clothes!
Walter: [whispering] I think we should call security.
Deb: [whispering] Good idea.
Buddy: [whispering] I like to whisper too!
Santa: I've been to New York thousands of times.
Buddy: What's it like?
Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn't free candy.
Santa: Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.
Buddy: Actually, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.
Carolyn: I'm a human... raised by humans.
Emily: You like sugar, huh?
Buddy: Is there sugar in syrup?
Buddy: Then YES!
Buddy: You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.
[Buddy is pressing the elevator buttons at the same time]
Buddy: It looks like a Christmas tree.
Gimbel's Manager: There's no singing in the North Pole.
Buddy: Yes there is.
Buddy: SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!
[while Ice Skating, Buddy kisses her on the cheek]
Jovie: You missed.
Jovie: How come you were in the women's locker room this morning?
Buddy: I heard you singing.
Jovie: Are you sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked in the shower?
Buddy: I didn't know you were naked.
Buddy: It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.
Buddy: I thought maybe we could make ginger bread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and maybe even hold hands.
Buddy: I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.
Buddy: First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.
[reacting to sign saying "World's Best Cup of Coffee"]
Buddy: You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here.
Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Buddy: [reading the note he left on the etch-a-sketch] "I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."
[Being beaten up by a dwarf he thinks is an elf]
Buddy: He's an *angry* elf!
Walter: What do you want? Some money?
Buddy: No! I just wanted to meet you and thought maybe you might want to meet me.
Walter: Who wouldn't wanna meet you?
Walter: [Buddy had just caused Walter to lose a client] You get the hell out of here.
Buddy: Where do you want me to go?
Walter: I don't care where you go. I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're nuts! I don't care that you're my son! Get out of my life! Now!
Miles Finch: [Buddy has just innocently called Miles an 'elf' because of his stature, and Miles is clearly very offended, and daring him] Call me an elf.
Buddy: You're an elf!
[Miles attacks Buddy]
Leon the Snowman: Why the long face, Buddy?
Buddy: It seems I'm not an elf.
Leon the Snowman: Of course you're not an elf. You're six-foot-three and had a beard since you were fifteen.
Papa Elf: Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the story.
[the pages flip to show Papa Elf talking to the camera]
Papa Elf: Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves. Another, another interesting, uh, elfism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps.
[Cuts to elves doing work on the cobbler's shoes while the cobbler snores with his head on the table]
Disgruntled Cobbler Elf: Lazy bum! Couldn't even make a clog!
Papa Elf: You can bake cookies in a tree.
[Cuts to exterior view of a tree, which bursts into flames]
Papa Elf: As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.
[the elves inside run out screaming]
Tree Elf: I want to make shoes!
Papa Elf: But the third job, some call it, uh, "the show" or "the big dance," it's the profession that every elf aspires to. And that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.
Buddy: [quickly, and high pitched] i love you. i love you! I LOVE YOU!
Leon the Snowman: By the way don't eat the yellow snow.
Buddy: Oh, I know that.
Gimbel's Manager: Make work your favorite. That's your new favorite.
Papa Elf: Come here, little one. Poppy wants to see you.
Emily: We can't just throw him out in the snow.
Walter: Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.
Eugene: [brainstorming for a new book] What about this: a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.
Buddy: [to Jovi] I think you're really beautiful and I feel really warm when I'm around you and my tongue swells up.
Buddy: So... do you wanna eat food?
Gimbel's Manager: [after Buddy has decorated the entire toy department] Hey guys, you seen the place? Pretty good, they must have brought in a professional. I dunno why, but someone's gunning for my job. But look, let's stick together on this. If you get wind of anything, call me on my radio. Channel three, code word is "Santa's got a brand new bag".
Fulton: Even if those two pages were in there, the book still would have sucked.
Buddy: Deb, you have such a pretty face, you should be on a Christmas card!
Deb: Oh, you just made my day!
Elf: It's alright, Buddy. Just how many Etch-A-Sketches did you get finished?
[Buddy silently debates his answer]
Elf: Come on, Buddy, how many?
Buddy: I made, uh... 85?
[all the elves stop their work, stare at Buddy in surprise]
Elf: 85. That puts you... 915 off the pace.
Buddy: Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy-maker in the world. I'm a Cotton-Headed Ninnymuggins!
Emily: So, Buddy, how'd you sleep?
Buddy: Great! I got a full 40 minutes!
Buddy: [after getting beat up by Miles Finch] He must be a South Pole elf.
Buddy: [after getting off an elevator with a man] Oh, I forgot to give you a hug!
Buddy: Reach out in front of you and take a sip. Don't look.
[Jovie sips the coffee and makes a yuck face]
Jovie: It tastes like a crappy cup of coffee.
[Buddy chuckles as she removes the blindfold]
Jovie: It IS a crappy cup of coffee.
Buddy: No, it's the world's BEST cup of coffee.
NY 1 Reporter: Well, more proof that Santa is in the park because we have his book.
Michael: What's your name.
NY 1 Reporter: Charlotte Denon. New York 1.
Michael: D, D, Charlotte Denon wants a Tiffany engagement ring and for her boyfriend to stop dragging his feet and commit already.
Fulton: [Firing Walter] Hobbs, Hobbs, Hobbs! If you walk out here, and you're finished at Greenway! You're finished!