Crank Yankers (2002– )
Cammie: And don't hate me for being ugly, I didn't make you that way, God did.
Security Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, we don't have any openings.
Bircham: You don't have any openings for a guy who can put on a blindfold, dismantle an AK-47, oil it up and reassemble it in under four minutes?
Security Receptionist: I'm afraid...
Bircham: No openings for someone who can slip in under cover of darkness, garrote his target with piano wire, and escape undetected, you don't have any openings for someone like that?
Security Receptionist: Sir...
Bircham: A man who put his ass on the line for two tours in Vietnam, so you could go home to your lesbian partner, and live in a judgment-free society. No openings for someone like that?
Special Ed: Lady, do you play with your vagina?
Backwoodsman: Lady, who you callin' a lady when yer talkin' to a man?
Birchum: You're recording this? Well, guess what! I'm recording it too, and I'm gonna put it on basic cable!
Birchum: You know, I probably wasn't abducted by aliens. Come to think of it, I was raped by teenagers.
Special Ed: I WANNA GO TO HAWAII! I WANNA GO TO HAWAII! YAAAAAAAY!
Special Ed: I like to make poo-snowballs and throw them at people YAAAAAAAAYYY!
Backwoodsman: Sounds to me like you're low-bred.
Special Ed: Bread makes me poop!
Spoonie Luv: Strip club, strip club, for where are thy? Strip club, strip club, shot jizz in my eye.
Special Ed: [Repeated line] Donkey Kong.
Special Ed: Yaaaayyyyy!
Spoonie Luv: From your ankles to your instep, I really love your feet. So slim, so strong, so shapely, so graceful, and petite. So wrap your toes around my johnson, it's time to beat my meat.