Bruce: God, why do you hate me?
Bruce: B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a shit.
[on Buffalo's biggest cookie]
Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.
Bruce: Yes, behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes, folks!
Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.
Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
Grace: [gasps in disbelief]
Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.
[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
Control Booth Operator: Oh, boy.
Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*?
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock
Bruce: of my life, eroding beneath me?
[sticking his face into the camera]
Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle, but he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.
Bruce: Let's try that again, shall we?
Bruce: [New take] So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: So all the children in the neighborhood will be happy?
Bruce: And isn't it nice to see all their smiling faces?
Vol Kowolski: I work in back. I see no smiles.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose... Eyewitness Nose... that's right!
Bruce: Ally, can we get a recap?
Ally Loman: You remember the Kowalskis? They've owned the shop for thirty years and they're attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie.
Bruce: How was that?
Grace: That was great.
Grace: That was really great. Now you still have to go over there. The nurse is waiting
Bruce: Do I have to
Grace: Oh, it's not going to hurt. In fact I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.
Bruce: Hum, really.
Bruce: What is with that?
God: [reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: [the body of Jimmy Hoffa has just been exhumed] Hey kid, wanna make 10 bucks?
Bruce: [holding a video camera] You know how to work one of these?
Bruce: [blows into the eye piece like a trumpet] Seems to be in tune. Let's do this!
Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Gee, all this horsepower, and no room to gallop!
Bruce: Who are you?
God: I'm the one. The Divine Being. Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.
God: Bruce... I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!
Bruce: [revving his car] Come on come on... start!
[slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts]
Bruce: [stunned] That was luck.
Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!
[Bruce is instantly transported to meet with God]
God: Really something, isn't it?
Bruce: Is this heaven?
God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
Bruce: I'm *dead*?
God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.
Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is *not* funny.
Grace: It's weird. I woke up this morning and I swear my boobs felt bigger. Do they look bigger to you?
Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!
Bruce: There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.
God: Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?
God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.
God: Grace. You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.
God: Now THAT'S a prayer.
God: Allllllrighty then.
God: You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.
[referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand]
God: I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.
Bruce: [standing on the top of a skyscraper in a storm] I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!
Bruce: Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How's that?
God: Great... If you wanna be Miss America.
Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Bruce: [sticking up his middle finger and pretending he's playing a jazz tune] I can hold that note all day, buddy.
Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.
Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.
Bruce: Maybe I should be more like Evan.
Jack: You don't want to be like Evan, Evan's an asshole.
Bruce: Well I can be an asshole.
Jack: No Bruce, you can't.
[Bruce whacks Jack's sandwich out of his hands]
Jack: You going to pick that up?
Bruce: Yeah I'm sorry.
Grace: Debbie won the lottery.
Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.
Bruce: Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.'
[Truck with Danger signs passes him]
[Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads]
Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.
Hood: You want me and the homies to apologize right?
Hood: Okay Cool, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you'll get your sorry.
Bruce: What a coincidence, because that's TODAY.
Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.
Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don't like it? Megabyte me.
Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.
Jack: You did that in a day?
Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven...
Bruce: Where are you going?
God: I'm taking a vacation.
Bruce: God doesn't take vacations. Does he?... Do... ye?
God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?
God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit bragging.
Bruce: Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass?
Kid: Hey. You said "ass".
Bruce: Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey.
Bruce and God: It's GOOD.
Bruce: It's good. It's goooooood!
Bruce: So you're the janitor, electrician, the boss. Must be one hell of a Christmas party... don't get drunk though, one of you may need a ride home
God: [laughing] You've always had a sense of humor, Bruce, just like your father.
Bruce: Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure
Bruce: It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Bruce: It can be quite...
Grace: [Bruce's mind control sexually arouses Grace; Grace falls to the toilet seat; chuckles] Oh, my God. Ooh.
Bruce: [mind controlling arousing continutes] Pleasurable, pleasurable, pleasurable...
Grace: Oh, God!
Grace: Oh, Good God!
[at the bakery, Vol is picking his nose ]
Bruce: It's a good thing I'm wearing this
[tugs at hair net]
Bruce: because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!
Bruce: [shouting across the lake] Smite me, oh mighty Smiter!
Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.
Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.
Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit
Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow
[unintelligible chicken squawking]
Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.
Director: Someone get him some water please.
Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.
Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.
Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news
Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla
[rapid unitelligible gibberish]
Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah
Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]
Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE
[last "line" in the film]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"
[homeless man morphs into God]
[as Bruce arrives late to work]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "R EWE BLIND"
[after gang beats up Bruce]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "LIFE IS JUST"
Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.
[during the riot]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "THY KINGDUMB COME"
[while Bruce is looking a guy next to a broken down car]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "ALL FOR WON"
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"
Bruce: [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >"
Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.
Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.
[after God finds the bead that Bruce had earlier threw in the lake]
Bruce: Holy sh... cow.
[looking in mirror and doing a Walter Cronkite impression]
Bruce: That's the way it was... and that's the way the cookie crumbles... and That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH.
God: No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions?
God: That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.
Bruce: Excuse me, I need a spoooo...
[a spoon appears, sliding out of his mouth]
Bruce: It's okay, I found one.
[Bruce blowing so walk-by-girl's dress lifts]
Bruce Nolan: I saw it, and it was *good*!
Bruce Nolan: Vol? Vol? You want a tissue or something? Can we get Vol a tissue... or a spoon?
Bruce: [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog!
Grace: I'm in the shower!
God: Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
Bruce: What up with thee.
Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!
Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!
Grace: [after Bruce was attacked by hoodlums] Oh, thank God you're all right.
Bruce: Yeah, let's thank God, shall we? For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait, that's not rain!
Evan Baxter: Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight, after the game.
[from deleted scene]
Grace: I don't want a dog that craps in a toilet!
God: Triumph is born out of struggle, faith is the alchemist. If you want pictures like these, you'll need to use some dark colors.
Bruce Nolan: Newsflash! I'm not okay. I'm not okay with a mediocre job. I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment. I'm not okay with a mediocre life!
Grace: Is that what you think we have? A mediocre life?
Bruce Nolan: Don't make this about you.
Grace: About me? This isn't about me. It's about you. It's always about you!
Bruce Nolan: Perfect. PERFECT! I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt please!
God: [Approaching Bruce] You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.
Bruce: Wait, really. I'm warning you. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal!
God: You haven't won a fight since the fifth grade and that was against a girl.
Bruce: Yeah, but she was *huge*.
God: And the sun was in your eyes.
Bruce: [Before he drives off in his supercar] Hi-ho, Silver! Away!
Grace: Other people want idiotic crap like getting married and having babies with the man they've loved for five years. But not me, Bruce! Just give me the boat!
Bruce: [looks up to the sky] No wonder you stayed single!
Bruce: [measuring the diameter Buffalo's cookie] And the cookie is... ten feet and four inches! That's a record!
God: [walking across the lake with Bruce] You have all my powers. Use them any way you like. There are just two things you can't do: You can't tell anyone you're God. Believe me, you don't want *that* kind of attention.
Bruce: And the other?
God: You can't mess with free will.
Bruce: Can I ask why?
God: Yes you can! That's the beauty of it!
[Grace is in a coffee shop when the following infomercial comes on the TV]
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