Quotes

[repeated line]

Bruce: B-E-A-utiful.

[on Buffalo's biggest cookie]

Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.

Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!

Grace: Oh, thank you, God.

Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.

Bruce: First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the "blue heart of the ocean" jewel over the railing of Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?

Grace: [gasps in disbelief]

Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal.

[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]

Control Booth Operator: Oh, boy.

Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...

Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.

Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.

Grace: Come on. What are you *doing*?

Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?

Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...

Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock

[shouts]

Bruce: of my life, eroding beneath me?

[sticking his face into the camera]

Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.

Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.

Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.

Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose... Eyewitness Nose... that's right!

[last lines]

Bruce: How was that?

Grace: That was great.

Bruce: Yea?

Grace: That was really great. Now you still have to go over there. The nurse is waiting

Bruce: Do I have to

Grace: Oh, it's not going to hurt. In fact I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.

Bruce: Hum, really.

God: [reading from a manuscript of what Bruce said the previous evening] "The gloves are off, God.", "God has taken my bird and my bush.", "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.", "Smite me, O Mighty Smiter." Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.

Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Gee, all this horsepower, and no room to gallop!

Bruce: [revving his car] Come on come on... start!

[slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts]

Bruce: [stunned] That was luck.

Grace: So God is picking on you?

Bruce: No, he's ignoring me completely!

Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!

Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?

God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.

Bruce: Love me. Love me.

Grace: ...I did.

Grace: I've never seen the moon that big.

Bruce: We really shouldn't waste it.

[referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand]

God: I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.

Bruce: [standing on the top of a skyscraper in a storm] I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!

Bruce: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Grace: I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.

Bruce: Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle.

Grace: Debbie won the lottery.

Bruce: Oh, yeah? You're kidding.

Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.

[Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads]

Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.

Bruce: Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.

Jack: You did that in a day?

Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven...

God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have a gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.

Bruce: Quit bragging.

Bruce and God: It's GOOD.

Bruce: So you're the janitor, electrician, the boss. Must be one hell of a Christmas party... don't get drunk though, one of you may need a ride home

[laughing]

God: [laughing] You've always had a sense of humor, Bruce, just like your father.

[at the bakery, Vol is picking his nose ]

Bruce: It's a good thing I'm wearing this

[tugs at hair net]

Bruce: because I wouldn't want any stray hairs falling into the booger!

Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo's Number One News Team.

Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I'm Susan Ortega.

Evan Baxter: And I'm Evan Baxter and here's what's making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit

[choked off]

Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow

[unintelligible chicken squawking]

Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.

Director: Someone get him some water please.

Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.

Director: What'd he just say? Check the prompter.

Technician: The prompter's fine.

Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy's good. Just read it.

Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and... I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I'm sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news

[breaks wind]

Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla

[rapid unitelligible gibberish]

Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah

[explosive gibberish]

Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]

[vaguely Chinese]

Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE

[nervous laugh]

[as Bruce arrives late to work]

Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "R EWE BLIND"

Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.

[while Bruce is looking a guy next to a broken down car]

Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] "ALL FOR WON"

Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.

Bruce: See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.

[looking in mirror and doing a Walter Cronkite impression]

Bruce: That's the way it was... and that's the way the cookie crumbles... and That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH.

Bruce: What if I need you? What if I have questions?

God: That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.

[Bruce blowing so walk-by-girl's dress lifts]

Bruce Nolan: I saw it, and it was *good*!

Bruce: [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog!

Grace: I'm in the shower!

Bruce: What up with thee.

Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!

Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful... and do long division or something!

Evan Baxter: Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight, after the game.

God: Triumph is born out of struggle, faith is the alchemist. If you want pictures like these, you'll need to use some dark colors.

God: [Approaching Bruce] You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce. Quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

Bruce: Wait, really. I'm warning you. When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal!

God: You haven't won a fight since the fifth grade and that was against a girl.

Bruce: Yeah, but she was *huge*.

God: And the sun was in your eyes.

Grace: Other people want idiotic crap like getting married and having babies with the man they've loved for five years. But not me, Bruce! Just give me the boat!

Bruce: [looks up to the sky] No wonder you stayed single!

God: [walking across the lake with Bruce] You have all my powers. Use them any way you like. There are just two things you can't do: You can't tell anyone you're God. Believe me, you don't want *that* kind of attention.

Bruce: And the other?

God: You can't mess with free will.

Bruce: Can I ask why?

God: Yes you can! That's the beauty of it!