Anything Else (2003)
David Dobel: As you go through life, Falk, there will be no shortage of people who will tell you how to live. They'll have all the answers for you, what you should do, what you shouldn't do. Don't argue with them. You know, say "Yes, that's a brilliant, brilliant idea," and then do what you want. And whenever you're right, strive for originality. But if you have to steal, steal from the best. Oh, oh, and if you take very good care of your styptic pencil and dry it after every shave, it will last longer than most relationships that you're in.
David Dobel: I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, "Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?" I said, "I wanted this girl and she left me." And he said, "Well, we have to look into that." And I said, "There's nothing to look into. I wanted her and she left me." And he said, "Well, why are you feeling so intense?" And I said, "Cause I want the girl." And he said, "What's underneath it?" And I said, "Nothing." He said, "I'll have to give you medication." I said, "I don't want medication. I want the girl." And he said, "We have to work this through." So, at that point, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck.
Amanda: Don't be mad at me, but I ate.
Jerry Falk: You ate?
Amanda: I couldn't help it. I was starving when I got back from the audition, so I had a little sliver of that Sara Lee cream cheesecake. Then I had another one. You know what I'm like when I get started. Before I knew it, I'd finished the whole cake.
Jerry Falk: You ate the whole Sara Lee cream cheesecake?
Amanda: And then I figured, what the hell. I finished off the cold spaghetti in the refrigerator, and ate that last lobster tail and then I heated up some chicken pot pie.
Jerry Falk: Jesus, is there any furniture left in the house?
Amanda: I've had a crush on you since we met. Couldn't you tell, the way I was ignoring you?
Jerry Falk: Well, there was something compelling about your apathy.
Psychiatrist: Tell me about your dream. The Cleveland Indians all got jobs at Toys R Us?
Jerry Falk: Yeah. So what can it possibly mean? Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here describing lunatic dreams. I have a date with Amanda. I can't keep running around town on the sly and live like this. Amanda can handle it, but I need help. What do I do? I have to extricate myself from Brooke. It'll break her heart. She wants to marry me.
Psychiatrist: What comes to mind about the Cleveland Indians?
Jerry Falk: Do you love me?
Amanda: What a question. Just because I pull away when you touch me?
Amanda: Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller. But I didn't do it because I care about him.
Jerry Falk: No? What then? To punish him?
Amanda: No, I did it because I had to find out if there was something wrong with me. Because I can't sleep with you, the person that I love. I had to know if I was some kind of freak, or frigid. I had to know if I could even get aroused anymore and have an orgasm.
Jerry Falk: And can you?
Amanda: Yeah. It's good news. I can.
David Dobel: Let me tell you, I am of the Hebrew persuasion, but that guy who handles you is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have remained lost.
David Dobel: Yoy said it yourself, you're afraid to sleep alone. That's the whole story. You surround yourself with this farrage of babysitters, this loving-disabled little sex kitten who's driving you crazy, the Jew manager, you know? And let me tell you I am of the Hebrew pursuassion, but the guy that handles you is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have remained lost. And you got this shrink who, like God, never speaks, and like God, is dead. There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid. That's why you gotta build a survival kit!
David Dobel: Never trust a guy who fumbles for the check, you know he who wants to get the check, gets it.
David Dobel: [about the Swarthy guy] He looked at us and said to the other guy "Jews start all wars."
David Dobel: Let me tell you, Falk. We live in perilous times. You got to keep alert for these things. You don't want your life to wind up as black-and-white newsreel footage scored by a cello in a minor key.
Jerry Falk: It's exactly as Dobel says, there is truly a paucity of veridical talent in the world.
Amanda: When will I get to meet this polymath?
David Dobel: You think quantum physics has the answer? I mean, you know, what purpose does it serve for me that time and space are exactly the same thing? I mean I ask a guy what time it is, he tells me 6 miles? What the hell is that?
David Dobel: Last night I was home alone in my apartment and I conjured up a threesome with me, Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren, and it was very very erotic. As a matter of fact if I'm not mistaken, it was the first time those two great actresses ever appeared in anything together.
Jerry Falk: What are you preparing for? The end of civilization?
David Dobel: ...and the next thing I knew they made some crack about my religion which I found in poor taste.
Jerry Falk: Religion? You're an atheist!
David Dobel: Yes, I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact however obliquely that they implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.
Jerry Falk: Dobel, you're a madman.
David Dobel: Yeah, that's what they said in Germany. You know there were actually groups in Germany called "Jews for Hitler"? They were deluded, they thought he'd be good for the country. They trusted a naked bus driver, never trust a naked bus driver.
Jerry Falk: Just how crazy are you huh? Is there more? Do you hear voices on the radio or worship snakes?
David Dobel: You are a member of one of the most persecuted minorities in history. The rifle's on me.
David Dobel: You have to learn to take it apart and put it together blindfolded, you know, cause you may have to do it some day in the dark.
Jerry Falk: You expecting Nazis and a blackout?
Amanda: Who do you need protection from?
Jerry Falk: Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo.
Jerry Falk: [typing on his computer] And he's still not convinced that the slaughter of six million Jews is enough to satisfy the anti-semetic impulses of the majority of the world.
Jerry Falk: What's happening here, what's going on?
David Dobel: [trying to pivot the piano] I have it under control... Nothing that can't be done with the help of twelve stevedores and some oxen.
Jerry Falk: The doctor had better sex examining her than I've had in six months.
David Dobel: I promised students of my class I'm gonna take them to the Caravaggio exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum. You know, I try to give them a little culture now and then so they don't beat each other to death with bicycle chains all the time.
David Dobel: What you don't know, won't hurt you, it'll kill you. Like if they tell you you're going to shower but they turn out not to be showers.
Jerry Falk: And as he says, the issue is always fascism.
[types on his computer]
Jerry Falk: Dobel says the crimes of the Nazis were so enormous that if the entire human race were to vanish as a penalty it could be argued that it would be justified.
David Dobel: The pill makes her crazy? Falk, she *is* crazy. The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.
David Dobel: The thing I'm going to miss the most is the kids. The kids are, are wonderful kids and they're bright, you know. You should see the creative ways they smuggle weapons past the metal detectors, it's amazing.
Jerry Falk: Remind me, please, to put him on my Christmas list, if I could figure out how to make a letter bomb.
Dobel: I took the liberty a couple weeks ago of ordering you a little present.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well, they're having a sale here on surplus Russian Army riffles.
Jerry Falk: What?
Dobel: Well suppose you're home one night, you know, in bed masturbating and some guys try to break in. You need protection.
Jerry Falk: No! I just dial 9-1-1.
Dobel: Have you ever dialed 9-1-1? It's like trying to get a mortgage.
David Dobel: You chose psychoanalysis over real life? Are you learning disabled?
Jerry Falk: I feel like committing suicide, but I've got so many problems, that wouldn't solve them all.
Jerry Falk: [after learning his girlfriend cheated on him] OK. Where's the rifle? I need the rifle. I'm going to blow my brains out!
Amanda: Oh, don't be so middle class! I did it as much for you as for me.
Amanda: Am I late?
Jerry Falk: Not if we go by Rocky Mountain time.
David Dobel: You've been with a shrink for years, and yet you're too guilty to say goodbye to this inept little homunculus who poses as your manager.
David Dobel: Since the beginning of time people have been, you know, frightened and, and unhappy, and they're scared of death, and they're scared of getting old, and there's always been priests around, and shamans, and now shrinks, to tell 'em, "Look, I know you're frightened, but I can help you. Of course, it is going to cost you a few bucks..." But they *can't* help you, Falk, because life is what it is.
Jerry Falk: She's so sexy. Look at her body language. All verbs!
David Dobel: You're a writer, you have a gift. You should have a, a girlfriend, who's, who's, you know, helpful and encouraging. Not some mercurial little jitterbug who'll have you holding up filling stations to keep her in mood elevators.
Jerry Falk: It's not here, so where could it be? There's no such thing as a diaphragm repair shop.
David Dobel: Why are you in analysis? You're afraid to sleep, what else?
Jerry Falk: Fear of death.
David Dobel: That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
Paula Chase: Stop calling me Mrs. Chase! It's Paula! I'm not your goddamn schoolteacher!
Jerry Falk: I was just saying how strange life is, how it's full of inexplicable mystery.
Cab Driver: Well, you know, it's like anything else.
David Dobel: You know, there's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really. There's an old joke about a prizefighter who's in the ring, and he's getting killed, he's getting his brains beat out; and his mother's in the audience, and she's watching him getting beaten up in the ring, and there's a priest next to her, and she says 'Father, father, pray for him, pray for him!' The priest says 'I will pray for him, but if he could punch it would help!' There's more insight in that joke, into what I call the giant so-what, than most books on philosophy.
Amanda: You're the only one I've ever dated who knows exactly what to get me. That's because you have a special vision of me.
[Jerry opens his present]
Jerry Falk: Ah, "No Exit" and "The Flies", Jean-Paul Sartre, that's amazing, thank you so much!
Amanda: It was between that and O'Neill. I couldn't decided whose pessimistic nihilism would make you happier.
Jerry Falk: You know I think it was Tennessee Williams who said that "the opposite of death is desire". And I desired you from the first moment we met.
Jerry Falk: The routine is fine, this guy's just in the wrong profession.
Harvey Wexler: That's what I told him. I said, "Look, Danny, you've been around for such a long time. You think there's a reason you never really made it?"
Jerry Falk: [to the camera] No tact. None.
Harvey Wexler: I said to him, I said, "A man buys a suit. He says he's happy with the suit. Then he goes around the corner, he sees another suit. Suddenly he doesn't want the suit he's got, he's not happy with it. He wants a new suit, he's not happy with the old one."
Jerry Falk: ...Right. Yeah, hey listen, I'm actually a little busy right now. Can I give you a ring back please?
Harvey Wexler: Look. I was up to NBC, there is nothing doin' up there. Not right now. Things being equal, they'll change. Right now, they're not equal. Look, I would like to have lunch with you this week. I need a business thing done. We have to talk. I got a little business thing I want to talk to you about.
Jerry Falk: What kind of business? What do you mean "business"? What do you want to talk - -?
Harvey Wexler: It's nothing to get anxious about. It's about the future. Goodbye!
[Harvey abruptly hangs up the phone]
Jerry Falk: Hey, what did you do? I wanted to grab the check.
David Dobel: No you didn't.
Jerry Falk: [stammering] What do you mean, no I didn't? Yes I did. I was grabbing the check, I wanted to take care of it.
David Dobel: Never trust a guy who fumbled for a check. You know, he who wants to get the check gets it. As you go through life when you really want to get the check you will find a way to get it.
David Dobel: You know, Falk, if a guy comes out onstage at Carnegie Hall and throws up, you can always find some people who will call it art.
Paula Chase: [after Dobel drops and breaks a lamp] Jesus, what a butterfingers!
Amanda: Jerry, don't be mad. Don't be mad. And don't be mad at Ron, he was just trying to help.
Jerry Falk: Of course he was. Ron? How could I be upset at Ron? In fact, remind me please to put him on my Christmas list if I can figure out how to make a letterbomb.
Harvey Wexler: I ran into Dick Mallory. He's working with a comic who needs material. I naturally told him your price. I said, you know, I told him what you get. The kid works dirty. A lot of bathroom jokes. I said, 'Look. Jerry Falk is a professional! If what you need is bathroom jokes, he can do them.'
Jerry Falk: Harvey?
Harvey Wexler: What's the matter with your voice?
Amanda: That's wonderful. You'll really knock 'em dead out there. Idiots who are total losers in New York, go to L.A. and become millionaires.