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Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat (2003) Poster

Quotes

[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]

The Cat: Son of a (beep)!

The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.

The Cat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.

Sally: S-L-O-W?

The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

Conrad: Oh, you mean...

The Cat: No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!

The Fish: Someone else should drive!

The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.

[gives Conrad the wheel]

Conrad: Are you serious?

The Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.

Conrad: This is awesome!

Sally: I want to drive.

The Cat: I think that's a great idea.

[gives Sally another wheel]

Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.

The Cat: You're right. We should all drive.

[gets his own wheel]

The Cat: [sinister voice] There is a third option!

[Vaudeville keyboard music]

Sally: There is?

The Cat: Yes. It involves... murder!

[More vaudeville keyboard music]

Conrad: That's your option?

The Cat: [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.

The Cat: [back to sinister] Or did I?

[More vaudeville keyboard music]

Sally: Cat, you're not helping!

[the Cat is looking at a photo]

The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?

Conrad: That's my mom.

[pause]

The Cat: Awkward.

Sally: You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.

The Cat: Alright, I'll try.

Sally: [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don't try, you do!

The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!

The Cat: [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

The Cat: Scream and run.

Sally: Where did you come from?

The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...

Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?

The Cat: My place, what do you think?

The Cat: C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!

The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that.

Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.

The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.

Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".

The Cat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.

The Cat: Uh, I'm uncomfortable with the "d" word. I just think it's wrong.

[starts singing]

The Cat: How much is that canine American in the window.

The Fish: Stop this right now!

Conrad: Who said that?

The Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!

Sally: The fish is talking.

The Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

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Conrad: I'm not going to military school.

Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.

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[repeated line]

The Cat: Oh yeah!

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Sally: [jumping on the couch] Like being in the circus!

The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

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Lawrence Quinn: Why am I sneezing?

The Cat: [tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!

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The Cat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!

The Cat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...

The Cat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.

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[to a hoe]

The Cat: Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

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The Fish: Oh my Cod!

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Sally: Who are you?

The Cat: Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!

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Mom: Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City Morgue".

Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?

Mom: No chewing tobacco.

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The Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!

[the phone rings, and The Cat answers it]

The Cat: City Morgue!

The Fish: [losing it] Eighteen!

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Lawrence Quinn: Anything for my little Princess.

Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.

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The Cat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.

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[Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]

ConradSally: Taiwanese Parliament.

Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!

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The Fish: [on the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!

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Mom: [on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.

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Mr. Humberfloob: First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan.

[McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock]

Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...

Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.

Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?

Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.

Jim McFinnigan: But I...

Mr. Humberfloob: [shouting] Fireeeee-dah!

[McFinnigan runs away crying]

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The Cat: Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.

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Mr. Humberfloob: [speaking to Joan] If your house is as messy as last time, you're FIRRRRRRRE-DUH!

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Conrad: So, what do we do?

The Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!

Sally: How many shots?

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The Fish: A dog goes, "Woof woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...

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Thing Two: Don't belittle me.

The Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.

Thing Two: And all of the above.

The Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.

Thing Two: Ben.

[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]

The Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.

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The Cat: Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change.

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Sally: Stop! That's...

SallyConrad: Mom's dress!

The Cat: This filthy thing?

Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.

The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.

[snaps, snaps]

The Cat: Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah.

[snaps, snaps]

The Cat: Mmm-hmm.

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The Cat: If this were my house, I'd be furious.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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