8 Simple Rules (2002–2005)
[after Kyle gets off the phone with a girl named Lindsay]
Kyle: Uh, Mr. Hennessy -...
Paul: Please, Sensei. Lindsay, huh? You have other girlfriends, Kyle, and that's fine with me.
Paul: As long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, you will continue to date her and no one but her, until she is finished with you. Because if you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Paul: Kyle, just so you know, if you ever pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.
Paul: What were you and your mom talking about? Your face is all puffy.
Kerry: [sarcastically] Thanks.
Paul: Well, not the bad puffy.
Kerry: Oh, right, the good puffy! I just needed to talk to mom but I'm fine now.
Paul: OK, but if you need to talk... about anything... I'm here.
Kerry: Me and Jason broke up.
Paul: Did he dump you?
Kerry: It was mutual.
Paul: Oh, well, if you meant anything to him he'll call you.
Kerry: He hasn't called.
[she starts to cry a little]
Paul: Well, give it a day, if you meant anything *at all* to him he will call.
Kerry: [starts to bawl] We broke up last week!
Bridget: [Bridget walks in, Kerry runs to her crying, Bridget gives her a hug] You talked to Dad? What were you thinking!
Cate: [comes down the stairs and sees Kerry crying] Paul!
Paul: She just needed a good cry.
Paul: One more smart remark like that, young lady, and there will be serious consequences.
Kerry: My life is a consequence.
Kyle: I'm gonna go to the other side of the mall, touch it, and come back.
Cate: [reading Paul's last article] Okay readers, today we're having a little pop quiz, it's multiple choice, so sharpen your number 2 pencils and put your thinking caps on. Ready? Here's a quote: "Dad, you're an idiot." Now, contestants, this was said to me because of which of the following transgressions? A: Coming to the breakfast table wearing pajamas and black socks? B: Asking my oldest daughter if that guy I saw her talking to yesterday at school was her boyfriend? C: Referring to rapper Fiddy Cent as "Fifty Cents"? or D: Entering the room? Okay, pencils down. Actually it was a trick question. The answer is all of the above. Now do you know how many times I called my father an idiot? Zero. Why? Because I feared him. Back then we didn't share our deep personal feelings, our deepest conversations usually revolved around the tigers bull pen. But my kids, I can't get them to shut up! There's not a feeling that my kids are afraid to express over and over and over. And my wife reassures me this is a good thing over and over and over, and she's always right. So do I wish that my kids feared me? Well my house would be quieter, and I'd spend a lot less time in the bathroom, but no. Because I know that whenever they insult me whether it's a "You're an idiot," "You're a geek," or an "I hate you," an "I love you" isn't far behind. And it's the knowledge that my wife and kids love me that makes it safe for me to wear pajamas and black socks to the breakfast table.
[Paul has a dream and is in the "Three's Company" house]
Paul: This looks strangely familiar.
Kyle: Hey Bridget, you should wear a bikini to the party and go as "hot."
[a little girl dressed as an angel comes to the door on Haloween accompanied by her father]
Angel: Trick or Treat! I'm an angel!
Paul: Yeah, you may be an angel now, but in a few years you're going to be killing your father!
Bridget: Oh please, the only reason you're popular is because I went out with Kyle, which made him popular. And then I dumped him and you got him on the rebound which made you popular, then I had a deep relationship with Donny Doyle. Probably the most meaningful two weeks of my life of my entire life. Totally taking me out the loop creating a popularity vacuum and voila¯!
Kerry: What's that supposed to mean?
Bridget: I dunno; it's French, but magicians do it too.
[Kerry is trying to figure out how to break up with Kyle]
Bridget: Just use the line I use when I break up with a guy.
Kerry: "I'm only seventeen, you'll go to jail"?
Bridget: And we also have a jacuzzi and sauna, but old people shouldnt use the sauna because it raises the heart rate, and gives everyone else the willies!
Paul: Would somebody like to listen to my announcement?
Kerry: Switched at birth. Please say I was switched at birth.
Cate: Ok, girls. Broccoli or zucchini?
Bridget: What? For dinner?
Kerry: [sarcastically] No... She's making a hat!
[after tricking C.J. into driving to Canada for no reason]
Jim: The pain in my hip is still here, but the pain in my ass is in Canada!
Kerry: I just think it's funny that your'e worried about me when Bridget says stuff like "I'm going to the library."
Bridget: Daddy, are you sure you don't need any help, Kyle's great at undoing knots.
Rory: And hooks and buttons and snaps.
Kerry: Like Oh My God, my name's Bridget and I can't believe how much my head shakes when I talk!
Kerry: Mom, Fred Doyle is planning on having dinner with Dad and Jesus in Heaven?
Cate: Come on it's a nice thought.
Kerry: Yeah but Dad's spent three years avoiding the Doyle's annual barbecue, how's he gonna get outta that? I mean Dad's a terrible liar, and Jesus is gonna be sitting right there.
Cate: Yeah and Fred going on about the difference between electric and gas powered weed whackers. And Jesus isn't going to wanna back outta that dare!
Paul: You know how I want your sisters to date only the good guys? Well, I want you to be good guy.
Rory: You want me to date my sisters?
Kyle: [speaking to Bridget] Because of you, my girlfriend's gonna run off to Europe, and fall in love with some fancy French guy named José.
Kerry: José is Spanish.
Kyle: You've already met him?
Bridget: Mom, do you have any pictures of Dad?
Cate: Well of course honey, whatever you want
Bridget: Okay well I need 25 from various stages of his life... For my wallet
Cate: What are you up to?
Bridget: Nothing! Why are you so suspicious!
Bridget: [to the tune of P-U-R-P-L-E, in the shower] Who's the girl with the pretty hair? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy!
Bridget: Lather, rinse, repeat! Lather, rinse, repeat! Do it twice and the hair smells nice-lather, rinse, repeaaattt!
Bridget: Now onto the legs. Who's the girl with the pretty legs? Bridget! Bridget! Who's the girl that makes boys stare? Bridget Hennessy!
[Kerry, listening to her, sighs and rolls her eyes]
Cate: [during a very long ?family meeting? where Paul speaks seemingly endlessly] Uh, Paul, I have a turkey in the oven.
Paul: No, you don't.
Cate: If I did, it would be done by now.
Bridget: This is the best job I've ever had! I get paid to wear a bathing suit and sit on a throne.
Kerry: Aren't you supposed to be saving people from drowning?
Bridget: That's such a small part of what I do.
Cate: All right, look now. He's here because he had nowhere else to go. So, when he comes out I want everyone to say something nice.
Jim: Hey, your nose seems to have healed up nicely.
Ed Gibb: So, um. Need any help there?
Jim: Are you some kind of engineer?
Ed Gibb: No. I just...
Jim: So what then? You think I need some kind of help because I'm old?
Ed Gibb: No, I really...
Jim: Well, let me tell you somethin', college boy.
Ed Gibb: Hey hey hey, if you hit me again, I am not coming for Christmas.
Cate: Can I get you something?
Ed Gibb: No, no. I'm fine. I'm just watchin' the game.
Cate: You're watching a broken TV.
Ed Gibb: I'm a Lions fan. It's less painful this way.
Kerry: Yeah, because that's your conundrum.
Kyle: Look Mrs. H it's been in my wallet for a year now and I haven't used it I swear.
C.J.: [C.J. thinks that Kerry's date to the prom is a lesbian] I think Monica might "oh-won-ica".
[answering cell phone]
Kyle: Wassup my brotha from anotha motha?
Paul: For Michigan fans, football is a religion. And the Ohio State game is Easter.
Paul: Hold it, I can see your bra and that sling-shot you're wearing.
Kerry: Must be Casual Sex Day at school.
Bridget: It's a thong.
Paul: It's floss.
[Bridget walks downstairs dressed in tight pants and a short shirt]
Paul: Uh, Bridget, why are you dressed like that?
Kerry: Must be casual sex day at school.
Bridget: Hey, at least I get...
[Paul turns to Bridget]
Bridget: ...Look good.
Paul: Okay, Cupcake, I think you missed the word "under" in underwear because I can see your bra and that slingshot your wearing under your pants.
Bridget: It's a thong.
Paul: It's floss.
Bridget: I can't wear anything else. Panty lines - Hello?
Paul: Panty lines - Hello, are fine. Actually they were a pretty big deal in my day.
Bridget: Well, we're the thong generation.
Paul: Well, maybe that's why your generation is so angry. Your always walking around with a wedgie!
Rory: Uh, Dad...
Paul: Not now Rory!
Rory: But it's important!
Paul: I said just a minute!
Rory: [opens front door] Well ok...
Paul: Is that Bridget? Is that Bridget driving my car? Without a license?
Rory: Oh, so now you wanna know.
Kerry: Oh come on Dad. Do you really think that in six months I will be more prepared to date?
Paul: No, but I will.
Kerry: Hey! There's a sale on Blue and Gold body paint, you could smear it all over your body and watch the game in the nude!
Kerry: [mimicking Bridget] Oh my God Daddy my shoe lace broke what do I do?
Kerry: [to Bridget] You know your gonna hate prison, everyone's gonna be dressed like you!
Rory: [to Cate while she's sleeping] You want Rory to have a monkey, you yourself love monkeys. You want Rory to have a monkey, you yourself love monkeys.
Kerry: Look at me! You said you were gonna dye my hair! I look like Dolly Parton!
C.J.: Do you know what the C In C.J stands for? It's Cory. Hi, Rory, it's your cousin Cory, what you doing?
Rory: Watching you make a complete ass out of yourself.
Cate: I would just like to know what's going on inside my good child.
C.J.: The thief, the druggie, or the biker chick?
Cate: [walks into Ed's office] I'm not in trouble, am I?
Ed Gibb: Not unless you're chewing gum.
Cate: [Spits a wad of gum into a tissue]
Cate: [to Ed Gibb] Maybe we should just get off my bed.
C.J.: You're kidding! My God, these kids are animals. No wonder the Japanese beat us to the moon.
Bridget: And we both met great guys!
Cate: So, Where'd you meet these guys?
Cate: And, uh, what's their names?
Rory: No one would take me to the mini-mart, so I drove myself. There's no law against that.
Kerry: [about Bridget] I can't believe she's president.
Max: Oh, *thank you*!
Max: I can't believe you two are sisters.
Kerry: Thank you.
Jim: Well, it looks like somebody's waiting for a boy to call.
Kerry: Oh no, there's no boy.
Bridget: And he's really cute.
Bridget: [watching Extreme Makeover] Oh my God Jan, you're pretty now!
Kyle: You know, they say that God is a comedian playing to an audience that's just afraid to laugh.
[everyone looks at him amazed]
Jim: Who said that?
Kyle: It's me, Kyle.
Bridget: [on the phone to Donny Doyle] You have reached Bridget's voice mail. Please leave a message after the beep. 'Beeeeeeep.'
Kerry: That's never gonna work.
Bridget: [whispering] Shhhh! He's leaving a message.
Rory: Dad? It's happening to me again. My body is doing strange and beautiful things. I'm so confused.
Bridget: I'll tell you what this is about! This is about me winning Jeremy and humiliating Lacey so bad that she has to hide her face and move to the Northern territory and live with the bears, until one day she starts riding the bear like a pony and it gets so mad that it turns around and eats her and it eats so much of her face that it starts to look like Lacey and all the other bears point and laugh and say, "Ha! Your face looks like Lacey's."
Cate: Hey, Rory! How did tennis go?
Rory: [sits on chair] Borin'.
Bridget: [walks in the door] Daddy broke my nose!
Rory: Oh, yeah. That.
Cate: First rule in old men fight club. We don't talk about old men fight club!
Gym Instructor: [to Rory] Are you having trouble with your proud warrior?
Paul: Hypothetically, how many kids would you say are sexually active?
Bridget: Define "sexually active."
Kerry: Do you want to be home schooled?
Bridget: Sorry. So I'd say: 1 in 3.
Kerry: Yeah, except the band kids.
Paul: The band kids?
Kerry: Yeah, they're like rabbits!
Bridget: Kerry is that my earrings?
Bridget: Oh my god, first you steal my popularity, then my earrings!
Kerry: You forgot your boyfriend.
Bridget: You know what, mom? We're really sorry, but you brought our principal back to the house!
Rory: Get use to it. He's her man toy now.
Cate: Look. I'm sorry. He's still upset because you took away his football.
Ed Gibb: Cate, he dropkicked it across the cafeteria and into a bath of chocolate pudding.
Cate: I'll go talk to him.
Rory: Just throw the ball with me for five minutes.
C.J.: Do I look like I have time for tom-foolery?
Cate: I am now refereeing a pie fight. I feel like the mother of Amish teens.
Cate: Uh, dad, maybe you wanna unplug that first.
Jim: Oh, relax Cate. These little zaps make me feel alive.
Cate: Well, I guess we'll never know what happened.
C.J.: My guess, he started eating as a small child and never stopped.
Kerry: So, that's all you can think of to be thankful for? That you got the good hair?
Bridget: No, I said it's what I'm most thankful for.
Jim: And, what about you, Cate? What are you thankful for?
Cate: Well, I'm thankful for my wonderful children, and for my great dad and my mom even though she couldn't be here.
Jim: That's what I'm thankful for.
Kerry: [C.J. becoming first acquainted with the family] I suppose you're going to guess my weight, too.
Kerry: He's a baller
Travis "The Rainman": Holler!
Kerry: Holler back, brother
Travis "The Rainman": Yeaaaaaaah
Kerry Hennessy: Two! Four! Six! Eight! These mashed potatoes are really great!
Kerry Hennessy: I can't believe you're encouraging your daughter to join the Airhead Squad. Aim High!
Bridget: Daddy, can our boyfriends come over on Thanksgiving?
Bridget: Okay, Daddy, can they come over Thursday?
Paul: Honey, you can do anything as long as you never root for Ohio State.
Bridget: I don't need to go to college because I already know what I want to be. An estitician!
Kerry: Your oldest daughter has been in the bathroom for, like, an hour.
Paul: An hour? What is she doing in there?
Kerry: Well we can rule out reading.