George Lopez (2002–2007)
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]
George: From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!
[daughter Carmen enters the kitchen in frustration]
Carmen Lopez: Hahhhh.
George Lopez: Carmen, it's okay, you're beautiful on the inside, they all don't hate you, you'll find something you're good at, there'll be other boys, you probably need some time alone, see you tomorrow morning honey.
Carmen Lopez: Dad, I went to, like, fifteen stores at the mall. Nobody wants to give me a job.
George Lopez: Since when are you looking for a job?
Carmen Lopez: Well, I just got my learner's permit so I'm trying to save up for a car.
George Lopez: My baby's growing up.
[kisses her head]
George Lopez: Seems like just yesterday you were my little girl on the tricycle. Now you're gonna be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on the tricycle.
Max Lopez: [Veronica claims she smoked a "fatty"] What's a fatty?
George Lopez: One of Ernie's girlfriends, now go to bed!
Angie: You think your only contribution to this family is a paycheck?
George: That's my job in this family, Angie. When I was a kid my mom always complained about how there wasn't a man around to help her with the bills. Look, a man isn't a man unless he's a provider. I'm a hunter! I'm a provider!
Angie: A hunter? You can't even give the dog eye-drops!
George: If he looked away I could.
[having a father-daughter talk while driving]
Carmen: Where are we going?
George: I just want to talk. And the first thing I want to say is I should've punished Max a lot more than I did.
Carmen: [sarcastically] Well, I should call the newspaper. "George Lopez Admits When He's Wrong."
George: [murmur] Be the adult, be the adult.
George: Ok look, maybe I went easier on Max because I know why he peeped. I was a boy. I get that. I don't get you anymore. I did when you were a little girl 'cause you were just like a little boy except you never got caught on your zipper.
Carmen: Well, I'm not a little boy or a little girl anymore. I'd like a little privacy. And I'd like some respect.
George: That's fair.
Carmen: And I'd like my feelings listened to.
George: Ooh, that's a tough one.
George: Because everything's a crisis with you. There are no small problems.
George: I'm on overload, Carmen. I mean, I thought teenagers were supposed to lock themselves in their rooms and never talk to their parents. I was kinda looking forward to that.
Carmen: Well, I'm sorry I tell you all my problems.
George: No, you shouldn't be. I have to get better at this.
George: Look, I promise to start listening to your feelings if you promise not to have so MANY of them.
George: And don't ever think I love Max more than I love you. 'Cause that's not right.
Carmen: [voice breaking] Okay.
George: Why are you crying?
Carmen: I'm happy.
George: [voice breaking] I got you this cellphone to make up for everything. Stop crying.
Carmen: [crying] Oh my god. It's a cellphone! (hugs George)
[to the car beside him at the light]
George: [crying] Hey, what are you looking at? We're feeling in here!
George: Go, man! The light's green.
George: Dammit, I can never do nothing!
George: [When Angie thinks George can't do something on his own] Please Angie!
[pats his chest]
George: I got this!
George: [Benny falls asleep from being drunk] OK. Hear me out. We have eight hours 'til she comes to. We can get her deep into Mexico. We'll put her in a Pikachu costume. We'll leave her with a stick and a note that says "Beat me. I have candy inside."
Drive-Thru clown head: How can I hell you?... You like a fren frie?... One minute plee... Que es fountain drink? A soda? Why you no say soda, stupid?
George: [to Veronica] How could you shoplift sexy underwear that are Angie's size?
George: Keep these.
George: Carmen, we need to talk. Come on, let's go for a ride.
Carmen: [suspiciously] Am I coming back?
George: As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
George: This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.
Veronica Palmero: [She is caught shoplifting] You only gave me $40 to live on. How else am I supposed to get nice things.
George: Get a damn job!
Veronica Palmero: You're just jealous because you're poor.
George: [to Angie] Oh, no she didn't!
George: [Answering phone] Powers Brothers Aviation. May I help you?
George: It's for you.
Marisol: Hello? Hey, Junior. Nah, that's that fool I was telling you about. No, it's okay. I could talk. I know, huh! I know, huh! I know, huh!
[George hangs up the phone]
Marisol: Hey, that wasn't cool!
George: I know, huh!
George: We're gonna start with a different game tonight. It's called "Bombshells." In the suburbs, it's called "You might wanna sit down for this. It's a shocker." In the hood, it's called "Oh, no you didn't."
George: I decided not to introduce her to my mom.
Angie Lopez: So, you're already treating your sister better than you treated your wife! Gah!
George: [Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!
George: I can be Italian.
George: Da dada dada dada dada. Try the cannolis. Forget about it. I know a guy. Watcha. Bada Bing! Hoooe!
Linda Lorenzo #2: That's a stereotype.
George: You're Mexican. What do you care?
George: Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.
George: I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.
[George moved in with Ernie after an argument with Angie]
Benny: You have fun spooning Ernie?
George: At least I can keep a man in my bed.
George: Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!
George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years?
Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people...
George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!
George Lopez: Hey, how was church?
Angie Lopez: Fine. Father Rick called you "one of the angels among us" 'cause you're donating a kidney to your dad.
George Lopez: I like that. Y'know Angie, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.
Carmen Lopez: Hey, I'm gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car.
George Lopez: Y'know, look, if you really want a car that bad I could help you find a job.
Carmen Lopez: Really? Where? Please tell me it's the record store, the clothing store. Oh my god, is it a receptionist at a male modeling agency?
George Lopez: Well, I could make a phone call. Y'know after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts.
[primping in a mirror]
George Lopez: And Travis, so, owes me.
[her father in a primping zone]
George Lopez: Huh?
Carmen Lopez: Where's the job?
George Lopez: I'll talk to Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: Mr. No! Not Mr. Carillo! I don't wanna work in some crappy dive folding burritos!
George Lopez: Hey, I work there all through high school, okay. You'd be lucky to have a boss like Mr. Carillo.
Carmen Lopez: What if one of my friends see me working there?
George Lopez: Hey, it'd less embarrassing than being a senior and rollerskating to all the parties.
Carmen Lopez: Okay, I'll do it.
[when their daughter is late from school]
George: Okay, I'm here. Have you found Carmen yet?
Angie: No, And I'm worried sick. It's her first day at a new school, and she should've been home an hour ago.
George: Come on, it's an hour. She's got no money. She's got no friends. She's probably walking around the mall crying.
George Lopez: I don't know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...
Carmen Lopez: You said we're not allowed to watch TV.
George: Well, this is different. This is for Jason's baseball career.
Carmen Lopez: Well, what if there was something about poetry on TV and I wanted to watch it.
George: We watch something about poetry on TV every year. It's called How The Grinch Stole Christmas.
Carmen Lopez: What?
George: It rhymes.
Jason: I like the dog with the antlers.
George: I know. It's classic.
George: I don't wanna be the bigger person! I wanna be small and mean... like a scorpion. I'll be like that
[Imitates a scorpion waving its pincers]
George: Then I get you all distracted by my pincers. Oh, but you forgot about my tail. WHAPAH!
Angie Lopez: ...when you sting her, your tail's gonna fall off and you'll die.
George: That's bees. You don't know nothin'. I win.
George: Sabes Que! I'm gonna solve this the Lopez way.
George: [Hearing something outrageous and saying it before and after:] Ta Loca!
Brooke: So this is the first wedding you've ever planned?
George: Yeah, and you're wearing a white dress, so we both stretched the truth a little.
Ernie: [to Brooke, George's wedding client, in a queer-like voice] Hi, I'm Len. I'm the chunky assistant, and I'll be doing your fitting. Oh, and don't worry if you get naked 'cause I'm gay!
George: Beat it, Rosie O'Donnell.
Ernie: [Benny removes her jacket to reveal a sign hanging over her shoulders] "Ask me how I endangered my grandchildren's lives." Turn around so I can see the answer.
Benny: Bend over. I'll give it to you.
Angie Lopez: [to Max] Remember Sammy the Skater, the little penguin with the little helmet.
[singing a jolly jingle]
Angie Lopez: You can still be rad when you wear your helmet and your elbow pads.
George: You know what else Sammy the Skater sings, Angie?
[sings a song to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel]
George: Shut up. Shut up. You're makin' it worse, now meet me in the kitchen.
Angie Lopez: [Viewing Benny's breast implants] So, you think those are what men really want?
Benny: Why don't you ask your dad? He hasn't taken his eyes off them since he got here.
Vic Palermo: I'm only viewing them as a doctor.
Benny: And what is the good doctor's opinion?
Vic Palermo: Oh, they're yummy!
Angie Lopez: Daddy!
George: [Showing off his grill] Rotisserie attachment. Do I need it? No. Do I use it? No. Happy I got it? You bet your ass.
George: One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.
Junior: Don't mess with me homes.
George: Homes? Look. It's Casper the Friendly Chicano. What are you brother besides confused?
George: When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
Daunte Culpepper: Central Florida has already offered Jason a full ride.
George: A full ride. Now we're talkin. We're talking about convertible with 20-inch rims, and speakers so loud, that fat people jiggle when you drive by.
Walter: [to Angie, dressed as a sexy nurse] Excuse me, nurse. I'm ready for my sponge bath.
George: Keep it in your pants, Orville Redenbacher.
George: At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
George: [Trying to protect Max from internet stalkers] Only I know the secret password.
Max Lopez: Is it "Whapah?"
George: Not anymore.
Angie Lopez: If you wanted people to think you had a girlfriend, wouldn't you want to take her out and show her off?
Ernie: Hey, I don't know how gay men think!