Just Married (2003)
Mr. Leezak: You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next.
Sarah: Tom, you're acting like a crazy person!
Tom: Well, MAYBE it's cuz I just got hit in the HEAD with a ten pound ASHTRAY!
[Shrugs his shoulders sarcastically]
Tom: Okay, whatever. Listen, you get guests here from all over the world, it's up to you to have some American on your signs.
Sarah: He means English.
Mr. McNerney: Listen, Leezak. I don't expect a "cracker" like you to be considerably a good match for my daughter, but I'll tell you what I do expect: I expect you pay me back in full as soon as that silly-ass radio show yields any kind of personal income. Goodbye, cracker!
[hangs up the phone]
Wendy: That was the longest fricking piss in Italian history.
Tom: I specifically asked for a compact.
Sarah: This is a European compact.
Tom: No, this is a Ringling Brothers compact! I don't understand it. I loooked at the brochure and it had a Fiesta on the cover, not a Bingo!
Sarah: Baby, just floor it.
Tom: I *am* flooring it! If I pushed any harder, my foot would blow through the floor and we would be Flintstone-ing our asses there!
Sarah: [to Tom] We were evicted from a five star hotel, given the boot and now we're yelling at each other well not really, I'm yelling! I'm sorry I want to go home.
Tom: Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening. You don't want me to be with Sarah and I can't change that. I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do. And that's that I love Sarah. And I am going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life. Now, will you please... please... open the gate so I can tell that to my wife.
Tom: I need to know everything... where, when, how small his weiner is.
Tom: Are you going to tell me what really happened with Peter?
Sarah: Are you going to tell me what really happened with red bra?
Tom: Nothing happened
Sarah: I hope you used a condom
Tom: I hope Peter used a condom
Sarah: I'm sorry, they don't make condoms that big.
Tom: That's funny
[to a fellow passenger]
Tom: we've got a comedian here
Sarah: You wanna hear something funny, I'm moving out when we get back
Tom: I'm just gonna stop talking
[The other passengers clap]
Tom: The first sex I had on my honeymoon, was with a man named Santino.
Sarah: [to customs agent] No, but my husband does have two pounds of hash in his rectum.
Stewardess: Return to your seat please
Sarah: [Inside bathroom] Just a minute
Stewardess: Return to your seat now please, playtime is over
Sarah: BEAT IT STEW!
Stewardess: The captain has turned the fasten your seat belt light on
[The stewardess knocks on the door, Sarah imitates her, she imitates her again, they both knock once, Tom and Sarah knock the door into her face]
Tom: I just hope that... I can be... all that I can... be... in this... family...
Sarah: Is that a Thunderstick A-200o
Tom: When did you become an expert?
Sarah: I told you about that night in college.
Tom: But you never told me about the hardware.
Sarah: Getting a visual
Tom: We gotta charge this thing
Sarah: That plug won't fit in European outlet.
Tom: I'll make it fit.
Sarah: Don't force it.
[after being shocked while trying to charge the battery in an adult toy]
Tom: Good thing that didn't happen while we were using it.
Tom: Hey, we're in this together.
Sarah: Do you have four guys staring at your boobies right now? No.
Sarah: Tom, have you ever not told me something cause you were afraid of how I would react? Like have you ever not told me the truth about anything?
Tom: Like when I told you I liked your brother?
Sarah: This is serious Tom.
Tom: I am serious, I really don't like him.
Tom: Maybe we should just have sex.
Sarah: Call me crazy, but I'm not in the mood to make love to you.
Sarah: Grazie, grazie, grazie
[slaps man helping her up]
Sarah: Grazie, grazie god dammit.
Wendy: Oh my god! This is like the Twilight Zone.
Tom: I couldn't agree with you more.
Tom: I had the perfect relationship which was ruined by marriage.
Sarah: [crying on wedding night] Tomorrow my parents are going to know I'm not a virgin anymore!
Tom: You haven't been a virgin since college.
Sarah: Yeah, but tomorrow they're going to know for sure.
Tom: So, everyone thinks we're crazy for doing this, huh?
Sarah: Since when do we care what people think.
Tom: So basically, you're asking me if I would rather be married to Sarah or have 51 one night stands.
Tom: I don't even have to think about it.
Kyle: Ok, is there a girl you wished you'd hooked up with, but didn't?
Tom: You are like the worst best man ever!
Tom: We haven't had sex once since we got married! And I'm-
[Sarah starts laughing]
Tom: -why are you laughing? I'm concerned!
Kyle: We are not leaving until Sarah herself confirms that she is shit-canning Tom!
[looks at Tom]
Kyle: Or not.
Kyle: I hope she doesn't spook on you, man.
Tom: What are you talking about?
Kyle: Oh, I love Sarah, don't get me wrong, but... rich chicks spook.
Kyle: Rich daddy equals expectations. Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage.
Tom: Our marriage is not going to have a 'fungal rot'.
Kyle: Unless she finds out you slaughtered her dog!
[laughs, then stops, seeing Tom's expression]
Kyle: Oh, don't worry, I'll take that to my grave.
Tom: [weilding a fire poker] Hello Peter! So happy you could join us!
Sarah: Tom what are you doing?
Tom: I was thinking, that it's time for Peter and I to TANGO!
[smashes vase with poker]
Peter: He's crazy! See you have no furture with this guy.
Sarah: Peter, shut up. Tom you're acting like a crazy person.
Tom: Oh yeah? Well, maybe that's cause I just got hit in the head with a ten-pound ashtray !
Peter: I'm warning you Leizak
[strikes a kung fu stance]
Peter: I studied karate with a Grand Master.
Tom: Yeah? Well I sure hope he showed ya how to pull a fire poker outta your ass!
Peter: I'm not afraid of you. I studied martial arts with some of the best Chinese masters.
Tom: Well, I sure hope they taught you how to pull a fire poker out of your ass.
Mr. Leezak: Gonna tell me what your chewin' on?
Tom: I just don't know if love is enough anymore.
Mr. Leezak: What do you mean, "enough"?
Tom: I mean... Even if Sarah and I do love each other... maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.
Mr. Leezak: So...
Mr. Leezak: what your saying here is... you had a couple of bad days in Europe and... it's over. Time to grow up, Tommy.
Mr. Leezak: Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next. I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk but that's what you got dealt. Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy. I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit each other up. She doesn't need anymore security than that.
Tom: Thanks, dad.
Willie McNerney: We'll sic the hounds on you Leezak.
Tom: BRING EM ON, WILLIE!