Anger Management (2003)
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Temper's the one thing you can't get rid of, by losing it.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [throws a plate of eggs across the room] I SAID OVEREASY!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Now, why did I do that?
Dave Buznik: Because I refused to spoon with you last night?
Chuck: Here's my phone number.
[Dave reads it]
Dave Buznik: "You're gonna die, bitch"?
Chuck: Oh, sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.
Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?
Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Chuck: After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
Dave Buznik: So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Chuck: Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.
Dave Buznik: [singing] I feel pretty / oh, so pretty / oh, so pretty and witty and...
Dave Buznik: gay...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: So, Dave. Tell us about yourself. Who are you?
Dave Buznik: Well, I'm an executive assistant for a major pet products company.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [interupts him] Dave, I don't want you to tell us what you do. I want you to tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: Oh, alright, um... I'm a pretty good guy. I like playing tennis on occasion.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Also, not your hobbies Dave. Just tell us who you are.
Dave Buznik: [stumped] Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be? Um...
Dave Buznik: What did you say?
[the group laughs]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: You want Lou to tell you who you are?
Dave Buznik: No, I just, uh... I'm a nice, easy going man, I might be a little indecisive at times...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave, you're describing your personality. I just want to know... who you are.
Dave Buznik: [snaps] I don't know what the hell you want me to say!
[the room falls silent]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman...
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a WOMAN BEATER! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage!
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Now then we need to go over some ground rules. You are to refrain from any any acts of violence including verbal assault and vulgar hand gestures. You may not use rage enhancing substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine, slippy-flippy's, jelly stingers, trick sticks, bing bangs or flying willards.
Dave Buznik: How about fiddle-faddles?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating, please do so without the use of any pornographic images depicting quote, unquote 'angry sex.' That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised how much fun we can have together.
Dave Buznik: Geez, without slippy-flippies or angry masturbating I don't see how that's possible.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin, Dave. From now on, unacceptable.
Lou: So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days I've taken. And I was like, you know 'Don't go there,' you know. But he kept on about wanting to see some kind of a doctor's note or something. And I said 'Look, I'm seriously serious. You *don't* want to go there. He kept talking and talking and being such a nag, and I just *blacked out.* I blacked out. And I woke up, and I was standing over him and I was screaming "I told you not to go there! I told you not to go there!"
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Nate, didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ballgame?
Nate: Don't worry, Doctor B. It's just a regular season game. Not that important. See, Iverson just missed a layup at the buzzer, Sixers lose. Who gives a crap, huh? I mean it's just a silly game anyways.
[his face scrunches up]
Nate: Ooooohhhh the anger sharks are swimming in my head! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT! YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Stay with me. Stay with me. Repeat after me. Goosefraba.
Nate: Gooooose... blah blah
Dr. Buddy Rydell: No, not blah blah, Nate. Goosefraba.
Dave Buznik: [recording his voice with the tape recorder] I'm feeling very angry right now, because I have only one bed and no couch.
Dave Buznik: Kendra, even though I'd love to see you take that bra off because it represents a team I've hated my entire life, you gotta keep it on.
Dave Buznik: Because I've got a girlfriend.
Kendra: [she becomes angry] I'm not a child Dave. If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and say it.
Dave Buznik: No no no, I don't think you're a porker.
Kendra: Well then why when the idea of sleeping with me comes up, you all of a sudden have "a girlfriend."
Dave Buznik: Because I do, I do. I do have a girlfriend.
Kendra: Said the liar to the beached whale!
Dave Buznik: You're not a beached whale! If anything, you could even afford to gain a few pounds.
Kendra: Oh, so now I'm too skinny for you?
Dave Buznik: No, no, no, no I didn't mean that.
Kendra: Is this what you want, Dave?
[stuffs her face with brownies]
Kendra: If I put on a few pounds, would you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?
Dave Buznik: Holy shit.
Older Arnie Shankman: Did you get it on with my sister?
Dave Buznik: Over and over again. And she moaned like a wildebeast.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Wildebeast!
Chuck: I still remember the war...
Dave Buznik: Oh, yeah?
Chuck: Yeah... Remember waking up to the sound of bombs dropping and children screaming...
Dave Buznik: Oh, you were in Vietnam?
Chuck: No... Grenada.
Dave Buznik: Didn't that, like, last only 12 hours?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Might I have your first name, Mr. Head, and tell me it isn't Dick.
Frank Head: It's Frank!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Ah, Fran. Isn't that normally a girl's name?
Stacy: Uh, we're in the adult film industry, and, we're lovers.
Stacy: So Gina was having sex with this guy Meelo which was totally cool cause it was in the script.
Gina: So we invited him back to the house because we like a little variety...
Stacy: I look up and see Gina kissing Meelo on the MOUTH which is not cool, because it violates our threesome code of ethics!
Gina: So Stacy bit my toe off.
Stacy: Then Meelo starts yelling, calling me a crazy skank...
Gina: And nobody talks to my bitch that way.
Stacy: That's right.
Gina: So I stapled his lip SHUT.
Dave Buznik: Well, we've all... been there.
Chuck: I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood, a very bad mood! I was fired from my ice cream truck job today! No more Fudgicles!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three of four men to share a bed.
Dave Buznik: That's why I'm proud to be an American.
Lou: I have a question: Why is it that Chuck here thinks he could smoke?
Chuck: Cause I do whatever I want whenever I want, you little Spanish fruit topping.
Lou: Honey, at least I didn't make my aunt pregnant.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Alright, I'm going to need for you to retard your anger level a few notches and listen to me, can you do that?
Dave Buznik: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah... it's retarded, I'm retarded.
Dave Buznik: Oh my goodness. Bobby Knight. You're in this group?
Bobby Knight: Yea, this is my first day.
Dave Buznik: It's my first day also.
Bobby Knight: I hope this class cures me.
Dave Buznik: Working on the anger problem?
Bobby Knight: Anger? Isn't this sexaholics anonymous?
Dave Buznik: Oh. No I think that's down the hall.
Bobby Knight: [throws his book down] Well to HELL WITH THIS! I'm going home!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Jibber jabber jibber jabbering, mumbo jumbo, denial, key-key-key-key-key-key!
Buddy: Take off your clothes, I have a relaxing technique I want to show you, it will be good for you.
David: You wanna see me naked Buddy?
Buddy: Are you a homophobe Dave?
David: No, I'm a pulling-out-my-penis-in-front-of-you-aphobe.
Linda: How 'bout a kiss?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: I'd love a kiss.
Dave Buznik: I think she's talkin' to me. And, uh, I think I can handle it.
Dave Buznik: Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?
[fleeing the monastery]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: You kicked some serious monk-ass there, baby!
Chuck: What, do you think you're better than me, 'cause you got both your nuts?
Chuck: You come down here before the black wolf swallows my brain! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Dave Buznik: [to Linda] I want to have children with you! Children! With your eyes and your lips and my... last name! That's all I want.
Dave Buznik: Look everybody, Pana Banana's got a heinie! He's got a heinie!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: She said she was going out with a friend named Andrea.
Dave Buznik: She doesn't have a friend named Andrea. Did she say Andrew?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Oh, ah, yes Andrew... the testicle with legs.
Dave Buznik: I'm sorry I was so rude before... but... it's difficult for me... to... express myself... when I am on the verge of... exploding in my pants.
Kendra: You are too cute.
Dave Buznik: Get the fuck out of here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: I want you to approach Miss Thing again...
Dave Buznik: No!
Dr. Buddy Rydell: ...with confidence! And if she says no this time, I will admit that I am a failure as a therapist and I will release you from my program.
Dave Buznik: You'll release me from your program
Dave Buznik: Okay...
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [They stand up] Just go over there and repeat the following verbatim. "I'm sorry I was so rude before but it's difficult for me to express myself when I am on the verge of exploding in my pants."
Dave Buznik: Huh?
[They sit down]
Dave Buznik: Get outta here.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Trust me Dave. If you were calm as well as witty, she will respond.
Dave Buznik: I think witty went out the window with that whole pants-explosion thing.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: My offer stands.
Dave Buznik: So if I repeat that crazy shit you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard, and get rejected, you'll release me from the program?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Exactly.
Cabbie: Let's get this thing movin'! What the hell is your problem?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [shouting] Shut your pie hole, we're working here!
Dave Buznik: [about to be shot by angry man] Let me just ask you one question.
Dave Buznik: Who's the pretty girl in the mirror there?
Lexus Man: [singing] What mirror where?
[shoots gun which is really water gun]
[after loudly passing gas in bed]
Dr. Buddy Rydell: You hear that frog?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: [while taking a shower] Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!
Dave Buznik: [to his boss] By the way, his name's not fat-shit-cat. It's Meatball. And he's eating your crab cakes right now.
Judge Brenda Daniels: [Dr. Buddy Rydell has volunteered to help Dave Buznik] You think you can help him?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Yep. And if I can't, I'll tear him apart with my bare hands.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: By the way, I like to sleep in the nude.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: ...You're on my side of the arm rest. We're not gonna have problems, are we?
Dave Buznik: Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been *fine*!
Dave Buznik: Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin Buddy, I am not a cheater.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: So Peanut likes the spicy humor. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me earlier about the great Buddha.
Older Arnie Shankman: Oh, what did you say about Buddha?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over six hundred pounds have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Let's say hello to someone who's joining our quest to get the anger monkeys off our backs: Dave.
Dave Buznik: Hi. Good news, I fed my anger monkey a banana this morning and he's feeling much better.
[Dave is on the phone with his lawyer when a female co-worker walks into the stall Dave is sitting in]
Dave Buznik: Hi Nancy.
Nancy: What are you doing in the ladies room Dave?
Dave Buznik: I heard you have cleaner seats than we do, so I wanted to see for myself.
Nancy: Not after I'm through with them.