Clone High (2002–2003)
Shadowy Figure: [menacing] I think this is an issue we should talk about... in person.
Scudworth: [excited] Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!
JFK: Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys.
[car flips over]
Shadowy Figure: Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable.
Scudworth: Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch!
Gandhi: "Black and Tan"! High five, racial pride!
George Washington Carver: I don't like those movies, Mahatma. They're full of bad dialogue, contrived plot twists and they perpetuate racial stereotypes.
[throws a ball of paper towards the garbage, misses]
Gandhi: If there's one thing Mahatma Gandhi stand for, its revenge.
Joan of Arc: Are you trying suffocate me?
Cleopatra: I'm sorry I didn't see you there. You're so flat chested.
[Joan slams Cleo's head into the wall]
Joan of Arc: Choose your pillow because it is ON.
Glenn the Janitor: Hi, I'm Glenn. I'm the school janitor. Ponce was like a son to me, probably because he was my foster son. My dead foster son.
Glenn the Janitor: Son, I just want you to know...
Scudworth: Oh janitor, some kid vomited in the hallway. Could you make with the sawdust and clean it up.
Glenn the Janitor: Ah yeah, but I'm kinda giving my son's eulogy right now.
Scudworth: Doo yeah. If you could just do it now. Your son will still be dead when you get back.
Scudworth: When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons.
JFK: Do you mind? Some of us are trying to nail Catherine the Great here... Or should I say Catherine the So-So?
[sitting at a table booth with some ladies]
JFK: This is a very tough time for me, without Cleo I'm a broken man. Hey, let's all go swimming in my pool, and by pool I mean bath tub, and by swimming, I mean *sex*.
Abe: I'll sleep when I die...
Joan of Arc: You'll die if you don't sleep.
Gandhi: Abe, remember how excited I was to see the movie "American Pie" that I didn't sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don't. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.
Abe: Why don't you just rent it?
[Gandhi runs out of the room]
Mr. Butlertron: What would the real Joan of Arc have done?
Joan of Arc: She would have stood up and told them how she felt. Then she would have been burned at the stake. But what are the chances of that happening again? He, he.
Mr. Butlertron: Thirty-eight percent.
Joan of Arc: Jesús Cristo, do you know the story of Joan of Arc?
Jesús Cristo: Yeah I saw the movie when it was out on DVD, homes! She's like 16, right, and then God told her to make da Frenchies fight the Englishes you know people dat drink tea all da time and have big teeth? And then people started getting mad because she was hearing voices and then at the end she got burned at the stake, pretty good I give it thumbs up, homes!
Joan of Arc: Basically. I've never been able to live up to her, and that's why instead, I became a cynical, angst-ridden goth girl, but now I'm hearing voices! Religious voices!
Jesús Cristo: Damn. Wait, did they tell you who going to win the Latin Grammys. If it's Ricky Martin, don't tell me, don't tell me. It's Ricky Martin, huh?
Joan of Arc: This is totally freaking me out!
Jesús Cristo: Hey, take a hit, relax! God's message can be a total trip. But ya know you gotta do what he tells you eh, because God has a plan for all of us. A painful, painful plan.
Mr. Butlertron: Penny for your thoughts.
Joan of Arc: Oh, Mr. Butlertron, I wanted... I mean my friend wanted to show girls could do anything boys can. But in the process, she ended up hurting the one boy she loves most.
Mr. Butlertron: "Your friend" should listen to her heart. I'm not programmed to wink but if I were programmed to wink I would have winked when I said "your friend".
Mr. Butlertron: Are you A: handsome; B: smart; C: scrap metal; or D: all of the above?
Scangrade: That's easy! I'm A and B. But not C... So I can't be all of the above, but... you can't fill in two ovals! Noooooooo!
Mr. Butlertron: The answer is C... you fuckwad.
Theme Song: Way way back in the 1980s / Secret government employees / Dug up famous guys and ladies / And made amusing genetic copies. / Now the clones are sexy teens, now / They're gonna make it if they try. / Loving, learning, sharing, judging / A time to laugh and shiver and cry / Clone High, Clone High.
JFK: Forget it, kid. No dry porking for you.
Gandhi: (forces himself to undergo a JFK-like transformation) Fowah suppah I want a pawtty plattah.
JFK: Wait a minute! Throw some 'er's and 'uh's in there. What's your hurry?
Tom Green: So some of you may have been mean to a kid with ADD. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone? All right, sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag.
Mr. Butlertron: I'm sorry, Wesley, you have ADD.
Gandhi: Am I... dying?
Mr. Butlertron: No, you have ADD - Attention deficit disorder, also you have ADHD, its hyperactive cousin.
Talking Peanut: Sorry my boy Salty Seconds hahahaha
Toots: Folks, you all know me. I'm Toots, Joan of Arc's foster grandpa. Now I may be blind, but I can see certain things loud and clear. This is a room full of scared people making a decision based on fear and ignorance. Now when I left the house this evening I intended to go to Giovanni's Italian Restaurant. I can tell I'm in the wrong place. So, if you'll excuse me, I'll leave and let you get on with your meeting.
JFK: Ponce, wake up. I know you're not really dead. Stand up or I'll sock you one.
[punches Ponce de Leon]
JFK: Oh, my God, I just killed my dead friend!
[Ok rank:5975 submissions:918 ]
Announcer: Next time on a very special clone high, Will Abe and Joans student films reveal their true feelings for one other? How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? And what will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you but I haven't seen the episode yet, they were supposed to send it to me but there's this guy at work who totally hates me, if he gets me fired I'm going to kill his dog...
Scangrade: Behold. I am SCANGRADE.
Shadowy figure: Yes, after 50 years of standardized testing his power will be so great he'll...
Scangrade: Take over the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Mr. Butlertron: Oh yeah what a great (beep)cking ideeeeeeeeeea.
Scudworth: Mr. B. Language.
JFK: Hey, you! Half Pint, Junior Mint, Pipsqueak, Tiny Tim, Yardstick, Snack Pack, Wee Fella, Brown Leprechaun.
Gandhi: Are you talking to me?
JFK: Are uh you drunk enough to sleep with me?
[Joan of Arc kicks JFK in the face]
JFK: Answer the question.
Scudworth: Once I transplant these brainwave transmitters into the clones brains I will be able to see and hear everything they taste and smell.
Gandhi: [pants fall down]
Gandhi: Good thing there was nobody there to see that.
Van Gogh: Oh yes... no-one indeed.
Stinky-poo: Try and catch me, *bitch*.
Mr. Sheepman: Now, let's talk about yesterday's horrifying shenanigans and feel free to say anything, 'cause today I'm going to be your *care-iff*. You see... Okay, moving on. I know teenagers have an awful lot of confusing feelings, but today it is *unlawful* to bottle 'em up. You gotta *let 'em out!*... like I do, every night between 10 and 10:15, on a pillow shaped like my father... So let's brainstorm some constructive ways we can express ourselves.
Abe: I'd like to introduce my film, "It Takes a Hero". Here is my soul, friends, my soul.
Girl in Stands: [to a giraffe playing football] I love you.
Bad Actor: [Giraffe wins the game and gets beamed into a spaceship] He's going. Home.
Girl in Stands: I have your baby in me, giraffe!
Girl in Stands: [unenthusiastic clapping]
Gandhi: That's a nice stun gun Joan.
[Joan zaps him]
Joan of Arc: Teen crisis hotline. We're here because we care.
Abe: Joan! You're a girl, right? Do you know how to remove a bra?
Joan of Arc: Grrr...
Abe: I mean, do you step into it like pants, or pull it over like a shirt?
Joan of Arc: [Referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?
Cleopatra: [Gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, creature trash!
Abe: Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one-leg-at-a-time.
[Principal Scudworth is seeking funding for his evil side-project, "Cloney Island"]
Mr. Butlertron: Perhaps you could get Clone High a corporate sponsor. Those Pumas were rather fresh.
Scudworth: Sell out? And turn the school into some profit-hungry corporation? (Beat) Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas.
Talking Peanut: Hi'o, Guvna's. I'd shake your hands, but, you know, peanut arms.
Krabby Cakes: You've got crabs, ass-face.
Scudworth: From now on I'll be more sensitive to the emotional insecurities of today's youth.
[walking down the hallway]
Scudworth: Outta' my way, fatty. You too, bad skin.
Chris Berman: The odd thing is, my microphone isn't even plugged in.
Dan Patrick: That's nothing. I've been talking into my fist for the last five minutes.
Elvis 1: Oh, yeah, steamed vegetables. What'd momma make for you?
Elvis 2: Nine fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and a thermos full of tranquilizers thank you very much. Glug glug glug glug glug. Ahhh.
Elvis 2: I have left the building.
Toots: Joanie. I thought you were dead. I shot you for biting me so much.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I had a dream, a dream we had ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch. But Moses, you are shattering my dream.
Moses: But Martin Luther King Jr., you know I'm a Jew, and also lactose intolerant.
Robomatronic Abraham Lincoln: And fellow Americans, as we weave the fabric of our nation back together, I say to you: Try the Churros.
Abe: I will, Mr. President. I will.
Gandhi: Oh my God. It's not a kid in a costume, it's a living thing.
Gandhi: Oh my God. He was genetically engineered with a zipper.
Gandhi: Oh my God. Who's driving the van?
Gandhi: Snowflake Jake, this holiday's mascot, will come to my house and bring me spices upon spices.
Joan of Arc: Oh joyous day.
Snowflake Jake: Now, go empty me chum-bucket, it's startin' to smell like a day-old hooker.
Joan of Arc: I hate you, you nasty crap-eating monkey.
Scudworth: Real mature, Mr. Jerkatron.
Mr. Butlertron: Oh Wesley. At least I'm not a pompous china dog whose evil plans suck the devils ASS. That's right WESLEY. Find yourself a new best FRIEND.
Gandhi: Now that my testicles have descended, I can't wait for some serious dry humping.
Gandhi: Abe, I like my humping like I like my martini's... drrrrrrrrrrrrrry.
JFK: Ask not what your student body president can do for you... Ask what you can do to your student body president's body.
Gandhi: Shut up!
JFK: You shut up!
Gandhi: Nooo... you shut up!
JFK: [gasping] Did you just tell me to shut up?
Gandhi: I did.
JFK: Shut up!
Abe: Welcome back, Joan.
Gandhi: [to Joan] Hey, you got breasts.
Joan of Arc: Geez, Abe. You grew, like, a foot.
Gandhi: You grew, like, a pair of breasts.
Abe: Luckily, the extra height doesn't feel that awkward.
Abe: [Abe runs into a tree, falls down, then pops up] I'm up!
Joan of Arc: I wish I'd seen you more over the summer, but I was at camp.
Gandhi: Was it Breast Camp?
Joan of Arc: Okay, you get one more!
Joan of Arc: You know, Abe, I've been thinking. I'm going to date a lot more this year.
Abe: Uh-huh, I want to date Cleopatra. She's attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she's hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I admire her commitment to community service.
Joan of Arc: You don't think dating an old friend would be better? You know, maybe someone that you take for granted?
Abe: Nah, I like Cleo.
Joan of Arc: But, Abe, think about it... like, an old friend that...
Abe: [interrupting her] Nope! Cleo. Only... Cleo.
Joan of Arc: Abe, I'm so mad at you I could kiss you!
Abe: What did you say, Joan?
Joan of Arc: I said, I'm so mad at you I could piss glue.
Abe: Really? It sounded like you said "I could kiss you."
Joan of Arc: No, I said: "I could piss glue." It's a very common expression.
[about Gandhi's makeover]
Harriet Tubman: He's like a shorter, darker Kennedy.
Abe: Cleo sort of wants to... but I just don't know if I'm ready.
Abe's Foster Dad: Well, foster son, over half of high school students nation-wide have chosen abstinence, which is a good choice. But, they're not dating Cleo-friggin-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass? It's built like the Space Shuttle! Oh, this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun!... But abstinence is a good choice as well.
Narrator: Last year, Abe said he was 15 years old. Now he claims to be 16. Which is it, Abe? Better keep your story straight. He'd also like you to believe he's not a baby eater. But he's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe he's too busy eating babies!
Police Officer: Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, underage drinking. So, we meet again. How are you, underage drinking? Besides illegal!
John Stamos: You conga everyone in the flash freezer. And I...
John Stamos: I'll pull the switch, freezing them instantly.
Scudworth: But you'll be trapped inside. And I tried to kill you.
John Stamos: Yeah, I know. But it turns out I'm just a really nice guy. Helping others is what John Stamos is all about.
Scudworth: I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!
JFK: Hark! That sounds like the gentle knock of a vulnerable teenage girl.
[door opens; Joan is standing in the rain]
JFK: You're wet. Allow me to dry you off... with my pants!
Gandhi: Abe, I just polled everyone in the girls' bathroom - you're ahead!
Abe: I knew the poll - did you say I was winning?
Gandhi: Straight up, man. Numbers don't lie.
[the Number 4 runs across the library]
The Number 4: I'm the number five!
Joan of Arc: Ugh! Why do guys always go for giggly, vapid sluts?
JFK: Hark! I just heard a word that starts with an S, ends with an S, and has a "lut" inside. A "lut" of me!
JFK: Hey baby, want a corsage? 'Cause I got a delicate flower for ya... in my pants!
Joan of Arc: [dressed up as a guy, to Abe] Forget about Cleo, she's a skanky ho.
Joan of Arc: [dressed as a man] There was this girl...
Boys: Yeah? Yeah?
Joan of Arc: And I kissed her...
Boys: Yeah? Yeah?
Joan of Arc: And then we held each other until the sun came up.
Joan of Arc: [pause] And then I nailed her.
Abe: Look, Kennedy, we kissed. And I don't want to exaggerate the importance of it, but we're going to be together forever.
Tom Green: Hey, you're reading my book. Touch the book. Lick the book. Lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book. Book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book. Yeah, I haven't read it either. People with ADD, they aren't good readers. Wanna go shave a dog?
Scudworth: In addition to my crippling bunions from last year, I have also been diagnosed with corns. But in this happy season, we all have to be thankful, thankful that the planters warts in my other foot have been removed. Save one, I call him Gary, and he's part of the family now. He'd better buy me a good present!
Cleopatra: You're serving the crackers! Where else am I gonna get a cracker girl at this late hour?
Toots: Uhh... Fourth and Maple.