Cabin Fever (2002)
[Bert leaves the cabin with a rifle]
Karen: Bert, what the hell is that?
Bert: Huh? Oh, I'm gonna go shoot some squirrels.
Paul: Why would you wanna kill squirrels?
Bert: 'cause they're gay.
Karen: Bert, don't be a fucking retard.
Bert: I'm kidding. I don't care if they're gay or straight, I'll kill 'em either way.
Karen: That guy asked for our help. We lit him on fire. You'll understand if I'm not in a particularly social mood.
Tommy: Boy, you wanna give me one good reason why you would steal a snickers bar.
Bert: The nougat?
Justin: Yeah, he's a professor... OF BEING A DOG! OOOH, FACED!... Scratch moded!
[Group is sitting around a campfire, telling stories]
Jeff: Tell them about The Happy Bald Guy.
Karen: No, I can't take it
Paul: He was the guy that gave us our shoes and quarters for the video games. There was a room with a pool table too, but my dad wouldn't let us go back there. The bald guy was always happy, always smiling. But the killer got him too. When the cops searched the place, they found all the hacked off limbs at the end of the bowling lanes. The guy had bowled people's organs. Arms, legs, everything. They found the bald guy's head in the ball return. He was still smiling.
Marcy: That's not funny, Bert.
Bert: Yes it is, you fuckin slut.
Jeff: I don't want any of us getting sick, but you two fuckin' fuckers insist on touching her, now she's bleeding all over both you guys! So you two can fuckin rot, but not me, no fuckin way not me!
[Jeff runs off carrying beer]
[Jeff walks around the cabin after everyone dies]
Jeff: [yelling] I made it! I made it! I knew I'd make it! I fucking made it!
Dennis: Pancakes. Pancakes!
Bert: No pancakes.
Bert: No pancakes!
Old Man Cadwell: Hi, my nigga, how are you?
Ray Shawn: What's up, nigga? What you doin? Where ya been, man, where ya been?
Paul: Hey, where are you going?
Karen: Where does it look like I'm going?
Paul: But, well, I thought we were kissing.
Karen: Yeah, we were, weren't we?
Paul: So... you like me now? Like, is this a date?
Karen: Don't be gay.
Tommy: You bein' sick, that's your problem. Now Dennis is sick, that's my problem. And if I get sick, that's Lucille's problem. So we gotta stop the problem. We gotta stop the problem *right* now!
Tommy: Fenster, rifle!
Jeff: Hey, dipshit, what the fuck?
Bert: What are you, fuckin' Smokey the Clown now?
Jeff: Don't you mean 'Smokey the Bear?'
The Hermit: Hey, boy. Hey, boy. Hey, boy. Unn? C'mon, boy. Hey. Hey. Hey, fella.
Paul: Bert, you okay? You don't look so hot.
Bert: Yeah, well, I don't feel so hot either.
Tommy: There's some kids in a cabin. They got a disease. They just gave it to Dennis.
Fenster: We'll need "The Kit."
Deputy Winston: Looks like you guys were doing some pretty good partying, huh?
Paul: Yeah, you know, we were drinking and then this guy came along and tried to break into the cabin. We had no choice but to get rough. I feel awful, but he was going crazy. He smashed into our car, and then he wouldn't come out, so... we had to hit him. We hurt him. We were terrified. We didn't know what to do. That's why we went to look for help...
Deputy Winston: Hey, man, I told you... I'm gonna make a report. Don't worry about it. He ain't gonna come back. Looks like you guys scared him away pretty good. I ain't gonna let him ruin your fun.
Paul: Thank you. My friend's inside right now and she's pretty freaked out. She wants to go home. We all kind of do.
Deputy Winston: A lady friend, huh? I bet you like to party.
Karen: Paul? Is everything okay?
Deputy Winston: Howdy, ma'am. Everything's Fine. Just go back inside, have yourself a big 40... just party.
Karen: Umm... Okay.
Deputy Winston: Oh, Daddy, why are you talking about leaving? You've got to stay and party.
Paul: That's why we came here in the first place.
Deputy Winston: I'm telling you, this is a major party town.
Paul: Really? Are you kidding me?
Deputy Winston: You know what it's like when you go to a new town and you're the new guy? All the girls see you walking down the street. They don't know you've got five pounds of dingaling meat. They're looking for no commitment. You understand what I'm saying? I've heard that theory before. This is that town. It's like when I go party up at Wambusau. My cousin goes to school there. When I party at Wambusau, I know I'm gonna get pussy. Plus the girls there don't know I'm a deputy. So I know they're gonna party hard with me. Believe me, man, they do.
Paul: That's too bad, I bet you ruled this town before you had a badge.
Deputy Winston: Yeah, but a badge makes you grow up quick.
Paul: All the employees were held at gunpoint, and then after they had been gagged and beaten, they were tied to chairs. They were set in a circle, so that way, everybody was forced to watch everybody else. And then the robber, this sick maniac, he goes and finds one of those little ball-peen hammers, and then one by one, he smashed the backs of their heads open with the hammer. Everyone had to watch their friends die, knowing that they'd soon be next. The guy doesn't stop there. He goes and he breaks out the fire axe. The alarm goes off; he doesn't give a shit. He hacked off all their limbs.
Marcy: [Two of Marcy's friends have caught the deadly virus, her boyfriend has just run off and abandoned them, leaving her and Paul alone in the cabin] We're all gonna get it. We're all gonna get sick. Jeff's off in the woods getting drunk.
Paul: No. Burt's gonna get help, Karen will be fine. I promise.
Marcy: It's like being on a plane, when you know it's gonna crash - everyone around you is screaming, yelling "We're going down! We're going down!" And all you really wanna do is grab the person next to you and fuck the shit out of them, 'cuz you know you're gonna be dead soon, anyway.
[She looks seductively at Paul, who actually is 'the person next to her']
Paul: [All their friends are dying of the mysterious virus, Paul and Marcy have just started having sex] You don't use condoms?
Marcy: Don't worry, I'm healthy.
Marcy: [after the gang incinerated a diseased hermit who came to them for help] You boys gonna kill *each other* now?
Karen: When you've known someone a long time, you just want to kiss them just to see if they're a good kisser. There's nothing wrong with that, right?
Paul: Who's up for a dip?
[realizing he's just barged in on Jeff and Marcy, who are stripping and about to have sex]
Paul: We're... Uh... Yeah! Safe Sex!
Jeff: Hey Paul?
Jeff: Have fun!
[From the trailer]
Paul: Is it safe?
Marcy: [Having sex with him] Don't worry, I'm healthy.
[Shortly after having passionate sex with Paul, Marcy discovers some red marks on her back]
Marcy: Jesus, Paul, you really did a number on my back!
[Just after a tense discussion with the group about burning the hermit to death]
Marcy: I need a bath.
Marcy: Jeff's mom has such great ideas, 'Let's get a cabin'... so gay!
Marcy: [after having a spontaneous sexual encounter with her, Paul awkwardly informs Marcy that he intends to leave the Cabin immediately, which surprises her] What about Bert?
Paul: [Agitated] I can't wait for him any longer. I have to get out of here!
Marcy: Paul, what about Karen? PAUL?
[She sighs, realizing that he has already gone, leaving her all alone]