May: You don't think I'm weird?
Adam: I do think you're weird.
May: I knew that.
Adam: I like weird. I like weird a lot.
Mama: I've always said, "If you can't find a friend, make one."
[Polly is making out with May]
Polly: Do you feel weird doing this?
May: I am weird.
Polly: I love weird.
May: [to doll] I'll bet you're wondering what I'm making!
May: Okay, I'll tell you.
May: I saw someone today. A boy. You know how when you meet someone... and you think you like them? And then, the more you talk to them, you see parts that you don't like. Like that guy on the bench. And sometimes, you end up not liking any parts at all. But this boy is different. I like every part of him. Especially his hands, they're beautiful.
May: Don't be mad, you've been my friend my whole life. And you see me, you always have, but... I need a real friend. Someone I can hold.
May: So, are we like best friends now that you've seen what's in my freezer?
Distraught Man in the Veterinarian Office: When I left for vacation my dog had four legs, okay? Then I came back - now he only has three. I mean I looked everywhere, I can't find her leg. I mean, what do I do?
May: Okay. A couple of weeks ago, and old man comes in, and says his dog is dying. And he begs us to save it. A 90-pound black lad named Seymour. We take him in and run some tests, and find that he has a twisted bowel, and needs to be operated on immediately. So we shave Seymour's tummy, we cut him open, and take out a piece of intestine about - about the size of a hot dog. Everything went smooth, but... when we went to sew Seymour back up, we realized we were out of the heavy sutures your supposed to use for large dogs. So the doctor decided that if we tripled up on cat sutures, that should do the trick. Well... a few days go by, and the old man calls up hysterical. The sutures had burst while he was at work, and by the time he got home, Seymour was sprawled out on the back porch with his guts spread all over the concrete, and the fence was soaked in blood all around the yard. It was a mess.
[Adam stares in disgust]
May: I had to sew that one back up.
[May giggles insanely]
Foreign Doctor: Moy, I need a big scupel for German-a Shepherd surgery tomorrow!
May: You have really beautiful legs.
Ambrosia: I thought you said they were gams.
May: Gams, stems, wheels... whatever.
[after watching Adam's cannibalism movie]
Adam: So, what'd you think?
May: It was sweet... I don't think she could've got his finger off in one bite, though. That part seemed a little farfetched.
May: What are you making, Petey?
Petey: An ashtray.
May: You smoke?
May: Then why are you making an ashtray?
Petey: [sniffs May's breath] You smoke.
May: Yes, I do.
Petey: Then you can have it when I'm done.
[May is hiding two dead bodies in a cooler]
Zombie: [dressed as a zombie cheerleader] Sweet costume! Hey, you got any cold ones in there?
May: Yes, I do.
Blank: [after taking off his shirt because of the "heat"] Do you have any ice I can rub on my nipples?
Young May: What's wrong with my eye, mama?
Mama: Doctor says it's lazy eye. But, we're going to make you look perfect.
May: Race cars.
Adam: What's that?
[as May indicates his laundry basket, Adam notices a pair of his underwear - childish briefs printed with cartoon race cars - lying on top of the pile]
Adam: Oh, yeah!
[Embarrassed, he tries to hide his underpants]
Adam: My, uh, girlfriend bought me these.
Polly: It's girl's night out tonight, you want to come? I know, you need your beauty rest... Not much of it though.