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Old School (2003) Poster

(2003)

Quotes

Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.

College Student: A big day? Doing what?

Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

Frank: We're going streaking!

Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?

Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.

Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

[two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly]

Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?

Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.

Frank: *Spanish*! Do you trust that we have provided you with enough rope so that your cinderblock will fall safely to the ground?

Spanish: Y-Yes, sir.

Frank: Blue, do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight?

Blue: Yes, sir.

Frank: Blue, you're my boy!

Blue: Thank you, sir.

Marissa: [after seeing Frank running naked along the streets, she slows down her car] Frank, what are you doing?

Frank: [out of breath] We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.

Marissa: Who is?

Frank: Th... W... There's more coming.

Marissa: Frank, get in the car.

Frank: But... everybody's doing it.

Marissa: Frank! Now!

Frank: [still out of breath] Ok.

Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."

Frank: Cock. Balls.

Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

Beanie: [after finding out that it's in the bylaw that the only way to keep the fraternity is take a course of tests but Beanie does not want to do it] Who'se lives are ruined?

Mitch Martin: Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.

Frank: Blue, how come there's no ice in my lemonade?

[throws the lemonade into the pool]

Blue: Sorry, sir.

Frank: Drop down and give me ten. Now!

Blue: [bends down into a push-up position] Yes, sir.

Mitch: Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.

Heidi: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?

Beanie: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three-and-a-half-million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. Tou think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.

Frank: A little housewarming gift.

Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding.

Frank: This model?

Mitch: That exact one.

Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she?

Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this?

Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right?

[yank's on the mule's reigns]

Peppers: Oh, what? That's what I thought. Shut up.

Frank: [Frank cocks the gun]

Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.

Frank: Cool.

Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...

[Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]

Peppers: YES! That's awesome!

Frank: What?

Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man.

Frank: What? I did.

[feeling his neck]

Peppers: YES!

Frank: Oh, my God. Is this bad? Is this bad?

Peppers: You better pull that shit out, man. That shit is not cool.

Frank: Wait. What? Pull what out?

Peppers: You got a fucking dart in your neck, man.

Frank: [laughing] You're... you're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy.

Beanie: Spanish, what the hell are you doing?

Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.

Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.

Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.

Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.

Frank: [after funneling a beer] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!

Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that.

Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.

Peppers: You should pull that out.

Frank: Wait, pull what out?

Peppers: The dart. You gotta fucking dart in your neck.

Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.

Beanie: Whose life is ruined?

Mitch: Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

Beanie: Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.

Beanie: Because this is a very big idea, my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and, more importantly, age have bearing whatsoever.

Frank: SNOOP! SNOOP-A-LOOP!

Woman: [holding a grocery bag] What's going on?

Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by tonight. Okay, sweetie.

[reaches into the grocery bag and takes out cheese balls]

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Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.

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Frank: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit.

[calls back]

Frank: This is Frank Ricard...

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Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home... have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD... no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.

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Waiter: Love, it's a motherfucker, huh?

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Spanish: Damn, I gonna end up workin' at Red Lobster.

Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster.

Spanish: Yea, but its part-time... dick.

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Beanie: All right, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.

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Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.

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Beanie: [to Frank's father in law] It takes a man to give away an angel. You're sweet.

[wink]

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Beanie: I know a really good sand guy.

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Mitch Martin: At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

Beanie: And the answer, ladies... is trust.

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Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there.

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Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: You know, when I get back there I'm going to show you something called crouching tiger, hidden penis.

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Beanie: Earmuffs.

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Frank: [Crying] You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy.

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Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever.

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Frank: I see Blue, He looks glorious.

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Weensie: [after learning he's going to be expelled] Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.

Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.

Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.

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Gang Bang Guy: Hello.

Mitch: Yeah?

Gang Bang Guy: I'm here for the gangbang...

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Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.

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Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.

Frank: My birthday? What do you mean?

Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?

Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot.

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Mitch: All I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

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Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.

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Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one-way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.

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Marissa: That's really, loud.

Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.

[waving to a neighbor]

Frank: Hey Mike!

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Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen-year-old girls everyday?

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Frank: So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?

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Garry: Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye.

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Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you, retarded?

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Jerry: That was great.

Frank: What happened? I blacked out.

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Dean Pritchard: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, the co-host of CNN's Crossfire, famed political consultant, the raging Cajun, Mr. James Carville.

James Carville: Thank you, Thank you, Dean Pritchard. It's an honor and a pleasure to be here, sir.

Dean Pritchard: Topic number one. What is your position on the role of government in supporting innovation in the field of biotechnology?

James Carville: Well, Dean, I'm, I'm glad that you asked that question...

Frank: Uhhh... Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, If you don't mind.

James Carville: Have at it, Hoss.

Frank: [Frank takes a drink of water, makes a funny face and grunts] Recent research has shown that empirical evidence for globalization of corporate innovation is very limited and as a corollary the market for technologies is shrinking. As a world leader, it's important for America to provide systematic research grants for our scientists. I believe strongly there will always be a need for us to have a well-articulated innovation policy with emphasis on human resource development. Thank you.

[Frank grunts, makes a face and goes limp; audience applauds]

Frank: What happened? I blacked out

Dean Pritchard: That was interesting. ha ha. Thank you very much. And, uh, your rebuttal? Mr. Carville.

James Carville: Oh... It... We... have no response. That was perfect.

Frank: That's the way you do it! That's the way you debate!

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Dean Pritchard: Listen, Chang.

Megan Huang: It's Huang.

Dean Pritchard: Whatever.

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Frank: That's how you do it. That's how you debate.

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Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation.

Mitch: What situation?

Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.

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Frank: Yea, I'm cool either way. I just have to run it by Marissa.

[Mitch and Beanie give him a weird look]

Frank: I'm messing with you guys.

Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.

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Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy.

Frank: What do you mean?

Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come a long way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back, do we?

Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, OK? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.

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Beanie: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.

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Beanie: Guys, this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.

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Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly, you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over...

[to Max]

Beanie: Max, can you earmuff it for me?

[to Mitch]

Beanie: That whore you dated.

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Frank: I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever.

Beanie: Frank, you need to walk away from this right now.

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Mitch: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.

Beanie: That's awesome.

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Beanie: Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby.

Frank: Sorry, baby.

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Mitch: So what are you? Campus security?

Dean Pritchard: Try again.

Beanie: Jevohah Witness?

Dean Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.

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Beanie: That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred.

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Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety.

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Beanie: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.

Weensie: Sir, I can't swim, sir.

Frank: Speak when spoken to.

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Mitch: Wow. Cheese. Is that you?

Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.

Beanie: Who's this guy?

Mitch: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?

Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.

Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?

Dean Pritchard: Yea, I got out.

Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.

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Mitch: Beanie, you remember, Cheese.

Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time?

Dean Pritchard: [aggitated] I got out.

Beanie: Cool, man.

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Frank: I had an awesome time!

Beanie: I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time.

[to Mitch]

Beanie: And wouldn't you want those times to keep on going?

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Beanie: What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.

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Frank: All we are is dust in the wind...

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Garry: You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now, ladies, these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it!

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Frank: What do you think, Max? It's got three speeds.

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Waiter: And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house.

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Waiter: You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having pie and coffee with a living legend.

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Nicole: I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?

Mitch: Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.

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Frank: Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank

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Beanie: Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus.

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Frank: Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, if you don't mind.

James Carville: Have at it, hoss.

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Beanie: Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He'll find a way out for us.

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Beanie: You're the lady, Marissa. High five.

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Frank: Blue's over there. But he's wasted.

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Frank: Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up.

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Booker: We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us.

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Mitch: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.

Frank: I love you, Dad.

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Frank: Jerry, are you a statistics major or something?

Jerry: Actually I am. Minoring in Hebrew science.

Frank: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.

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Beanie: No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though.

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Garry: OkK ladies, the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met a TGI Fridays.

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Garry: Who's hungry? Who's hungry? Who's hungry?

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Beanie: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in.

Jerry: I go to school here...

Beanie: Okay...

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Jerry: What sort of actual association will you have with the university?

Mitch Martin: Who are these people?

Frank: I don't know.

Beanie: Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

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Mitch: This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.

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Mitch: Who's this guy?

Beanie: Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit.

Mitch: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?

Beanie: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.

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Beanie: What we need to do is throw a big kick-off, kick-ass party.

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Frank: Honey, you think KFC is still open?

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Dean Pritchard: Are you a comedian now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving.

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Beanie: I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?

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Frank: In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.

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Mark: What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't, buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick, are you? OK. Good talk. I'll see you out there.

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Garry: [filling a glass of water at the sink] When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call croutching tiger, hidden penis.

[takes a drink of the water]

Garry: You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic.

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Frank: No it's cool, man, bring your green hat!

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[deleted scene]

Beanie: Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it's perfectly okay to have sex with a 17-year-old?

Lara Campbell: Oh, yeah. It's fine, if you're 18 or you live in Louisiana.

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Mitch Martin: Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous!

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Frank: [in an unconscious state, begins French kissing Peppers as he is giving him CPR]

Peppers: [disgusted] This guy was French kissing me

[Peppers pushes Frank back in the pool]

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Frank: Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.

Beanie: Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.

Frank: What?

Beanie: You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.

Frank: I'm not single.

Beanie: She's 30 yards away, you're single now.

Frank: Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Beanie: Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?

Beanie: There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."

Mitch Martin: She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.

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Asst. to Dean, "Cheese" Pritchard: [to Cheese] Yes, but they do seem to be pretty good at paperwork.

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Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: The secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of 10 years or just some hot sailor you met at TJI Fridays a couple of months ago who never did call me back but did leave me with a little something called herpes... which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there. Grab your vegetables!

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Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: Oh, that's funny to you... 'cause you won't be laughing when somebody prematurely pops in your face. It's stings... and that is now why I have a lazy eye.

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Mitch: You don't understand me Beanie, it's sexual harassment. I mean I could go to jail for this.

Beanie: For what? Being Awesome? Besides Mitch, how old did you say this girl was, 17 years old? Mitch, that's a total grey area.

Mitch: It's a total felony.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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