Quotes

Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

Woman: [holding a grocery bag] What's going on?

Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by tonight. Okay, sweetie.

[reaches into the grocery bag and takes out cheese balls]

Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.

Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home... have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD... no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.

Spanish: Damn, I gonna end up workin' at Red Lobster.

Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster.

Spanish: Yea, but its part-time... dick.

Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.

Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

Mitch Martin: At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

Beanie: And the answer, ladies... is trust.

Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: You know, when I get back there I'm going to show you something called crouching tiger, hidden penis.

Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.

Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."

Frank: Cock. Balls.

Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

Frank: [Crying] You're my boy, Blue! You're my boy.

Frank: Blue, how come there's no ice in my lemonade?

[throws the lemonade into the pool]

Blue: Sorry, sir.

Frank: Drop down and give me ten. Now!

Blue: [bends down into a push-up position] Yes, sir.

Frank: *Spanish*! Do you trust that we have provided you with enough rope so that your cinderblock will fall safely to the ground?

Spanish: Y-Yes, sir.

Frank: Blue, do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight?

Blue: Yes, sir.

Frank: Blue, you're my boy!

Blue: Thank you, sir.

Frank: I see Blue, He looks glorious.

Mitch: Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.

Heidi: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?

Beanie: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three-and-a-half-million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. Tou think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.

Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.

Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.

Frank: My birthday? What do you mean?

Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?

Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot.

Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.

Marissa: That's really, loud.

Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.

[waving to a neighbor]

Frank: Hey Mike!

Beanie: Spanish, what the hell are you doing?

Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.

Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.

Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.

Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.

Garry: Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye.

Jerry: That was great.

Frank: What happened? I blacked out.

Dean Pritchard: Listen, Chang.

Megan Huang: It's Huang.

Dean Pritchard: Whatever.

Frank: [after funneling a beer] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!

Frank: Yea, I'm cool either way. I just have to run it by Marissa.

[Mitch and Beanie give him a weird look]

Frank: I'm messing with you guys.

Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.

Beanie: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.

Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly, you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over...

[to Max]

Beanie: Max, can you earmuff it for me?

[to Mitch]

Beanie: That whore you dated.

Peppers: You should pull that out.

Frank: Wait, pull what out?

Peppers: The dart. You gotta fucking dart in your neck.

Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.

Mitch: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.

Beanie: That's awesome.

Mitch: So what are you? Campus security?

Dean Pritchard: Try again.

Beanie: Jevohah Witness?

Dean Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.

Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety.

Beanie: Whose life is ruined?

Mitch: Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

Mitch: Beanie, you remember, Cheese.

Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time?

Dean Pritchard: [aggitated] I got out.

Beanie: Cool, man.

Beanie: What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.

Garry: You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now, ladies, these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it!

Beanie: Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.

Waiter: You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having pie and coffee with a living legend.

Frank: Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank

Frank: Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, if you don't mind.

James Carville: Have at it, hoss.

Beanie: You're the lady, Marissa. High five.

Frank: Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up.

Mitch: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.

Frank: I love you, Dad.

Beanie: No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though.

Garry: Who's hungry? Who's hungry? Who's hungry?

Beanie: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in.

Jerry: I go to school here...

Beanie: Okay...

Mitch: This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.

Beanie: What we need to do is throw a big kick-off, kick-ass party.

Dean Pritchard: Are you a comedian now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving.

Frank: In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.

Garry: [filling a glass of water at the sink] When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call croutching tiger, hidden penis.

[takes a drink of the water]

Garry: You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic.

[deleted scene]

Beanie: Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it's perfectly okay to have sex with a 17-year-old?

Lara Campbell: Oh, yeah. It's fine, if you're 18 or you live in Louisiana.

Frank: [in an unconscious state, begins French kissing Peppers as he is giving him CPR]

Peppers: [disgusted] This guy was French kissing me

[Peppers pushes Frank back in the pool]

Frank: Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.

Beanie: Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.

Frank: What?

Beanie: You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.

Frank: I'm not single.

Beanie: She's 30 yards away, you're single now.

Frank: Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Beanie: Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?

Beanie: There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."

Mitch Martin: She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.

Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: The secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of 10 years or just some hot sailor you met at TJI Fridays a couple of months ago who never did call me back but did leave me with a little something called herpes... which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there. Grab your vegetables!

Frank: We're going streaking!