Old School (2003)
Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.
Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...
Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?
Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank: Cock. Balls.
Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.
[two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly]
Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?
Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.
Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she?
Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this?
Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right?
[yank's on the mule's reigns]
Peppers: Oh, what? That's what I thought. Shut up.
Frank: [Frank cocks the gun]
Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.
Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...
[Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]
Peppers: YES! That's awesome!
Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man.
Frank: What? I did.
[feeling his neck]
Frank: Oh, my God. Is this bad? Is this bad?
Peppers: You better pull that shit out, man. That shit is not cool.
Frank: Wait. What? Pull what out?
Peppers: You got a fucking dart in your neck, man.
Frank: [laughing] You're... you're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy.
Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.
Frank: *Spanish*! Do you trust that we have provided you with enough rope so that your cinderblock will fall safely to the ground?
Spanish: Y-Yes, sir.
Frank: Blue, do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight?
Blue: Yes, sir.
Frank: Blue, you're my boy!
Blue: Thank you, sir.
Frank: [after funneling a beer] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!
Peppers: You should pull that out.
Frank: Wait, pull what out?
Peppers: The dart. You gotta fucking dart in your neck.
Frank: [laughs] Y-You're crazy, man. You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy.
Marissa: [after seeing Frank running naked along the streets, she slows down her car] Frank, what are you doing?
Frank: [out of breath] We're... We're going streaking! We're going up the quad and to the gymnasium.
Marissa: Who is?
Frank: Th... W... There's more coming.
Marissa: Frank, get in the car.
Frank: But... everybody's doing it.
Marissa: Frank! Now!
Frank: [still out of breath] Ok.
Beanie: [after finding out that it's in the bylaw that the only way to keep the fraternity is take a course of tests but Beanie does not want to do it] Who'se lives are ruined?
Mitch Martin: Well, see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And now we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school, and you're not even gonna help them.
Frank: Blue, how come there's no ice in my lemonade?
[throws the lemonade into the pool]
Blue: Sorry, sir.
Frank: Drop down and give me ten. Now!
Blue: [bends down into a push-up position] Yes, sir.
Weensie: [after learning he's going to be expelled] Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.
Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.
Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.
Mitch: Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.
Heidi: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?
Beanie: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three-and-a-half-million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. Tou think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.
Frank: A little housewarming gift.
Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding.
Frank: This model?
Mitch: That exact one.
Beanie: Spanish, what the hell are you doing?
Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.
Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.
Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.
Dean Pritchard: Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, the co-host of CNN's Crossfire, famed political consultant, the raging Cajun, Mr. James Carville.
James Carville: Thank you, Thank you, Dean Pritchard. It's an honor and a pleasure to be here, sir.
Dean Pritchard: Topic number one. What is your position on the role of government in supporting innovation in the field of biotechnology?
James Carville: Well, Dean, I'm, I'm glad that you asked that question...
Frank: Uhhh... Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, If you don't mind.
James Carville: Have at it, Hoss.
Frank: [Frank takes a drink of water, makes a funny face and grunts] Recent research has shown that empirical evidence for globalization of corporate innovation is very limited and as a corollary the market for technologies is shrinking. As a world leader, it's important for America to provide systematic research grants for our scientists. I believe strongly there will always be a need for us to have a well-articulated innovation policy with emphasis on human resource development. Thank you.
[Frank grunts, makes a face and goes limp; audience applauds]
Frank: What happened? I blacked out
Dean Pritchard: That was interesting. ha ha. Thank you very much. And, uh, your rebuttal? Mr. Carville.
James Carville: Oh... It... We... have no response. That was perfect.
Frank: That's the way you do it! That's the way you debate!
Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that.
Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.
Beanie: Whose life is ruined?
Mitch: Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.
Mitch: Wow. Cheese. Is that you?
Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.
Beanie: Who's this guy?
Mitch: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?
Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.
Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
Dean Pritchard: Yea, I got out.
Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.
Beanie: Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
Beanie: Because this is a very big idea, my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and, more importantly, age have bearing whatsoever.
Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.
Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home... have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD... no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.
Spanish: Damn, I gonna end up workin' at Red Lobster.
Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster.
Spanish: Yea, but its part-time... dick.
Beanie: All right, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through.
Frank: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit.
Frank: This is Frank Ricard...
Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.
Mitch Martin: At this point, you may be asking yourself, why am I holding this 30 pound cinderblock in my hands? You might also ask yourself, why does this cinderblock have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?
Beanie: And the answer, ladies... is trust.
Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: You know, when I get back there I'm going to show you something called crouching tiger, hidden penis.
Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever.
Gang Bang Guy: Hello.
Gang Bang Guy: I'm here for the gangbang...
Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini-bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.
Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.
Frank: My birthday? What do you mean?
Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?
Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot.
Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one-way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.
Marissa: That's really, loud.
Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.
[waving to a neighbor]
Frank: Hey Mike!
Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen-year-old girls everyday?
Frank: So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?
Jerry: That was great.
Frank: What happened? I blacked out.
Dean Pritchard: Listen, Chang.
Megan Huang: It's Huang.
Dean Pritchard: Whatever.
Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation.
Mitch: What situation?
Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.
Frank: Yea, I'm cool either way. I just have to run it by Marissa.
[Mitch and Beanie give him a weird look]
Frank: I'm messing with you guys.
Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.
Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy.
Frank: What do you mean?
Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come a long way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back, do we?
Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, OK? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.
Beanie: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.
Beanie: Guys, this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.
Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly, you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over...
Beanie: Max, can you earmuff it for me?
Beanie: That whore you dated.
Frank: I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever.
Beanie: Frank, you need to walk away from this right now.
Beanie: Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby.
Frank: Sorry, baby.
Mitch: So what are you? Campus security?
Dean Pritchard: Try again.
Beanie: Jevohah Witness?
Dean Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.
Beanie: That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred.
Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety.
Mitch: Beanie, you remember, Cheese.
Beanie: Oh, yeah. Cheeeeese... Didn't we lock you in the dumpster one time?
Dean Pritchard: [aggitated] I got out.
Beanie: Cool, man.
Frank: I had an awesome time!
Beanie: I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time.
Beanie: And wouldn't you want those times to keep on going?
Waiter: And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house.
Waiter: You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having pie and coffee with a living legend.
Nicole: I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?
Mitch: Well, yes, but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.
Frank: Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank
Beanie: Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus.
Frank: Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, if you don't mind.
James Carville: Have at it, hoss.
Beanie: Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He'll find a way out for us.
Booker: We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us.
Garry: OkK ladies, the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met a TGI Fridays.
Beanie: Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in.
Jerry: I go to school here...
Jerry: What sort of actual association will you have with the university?
Mitch Martin: Who are these people?
Frank: I don't know.
Beanie: Well, legally speaking, there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.
Mitch: This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.
Mitch: Who's this guy?
Beanie: Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit.
Mitch: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?
Beanie: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.
Beanie: What we need to do is throw a big kick-off, kick-ass party.
Dean Pritchard: Are you a comedian now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving.
Beanie: I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?
Frank: In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.
Mark: What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't, buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick, are you? OK. Good talk. I'll see you out there.
Garry: [filling a glass of water at the sink] When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call croutching tiger, hidden penis.
[takes a drink of the water]
Garry: You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic.
Beanie: Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it's perfectly okay to have sex with a 17-year-old?
Lara Campbell: Oh, yeah. It's fine, if you're 18 or you live in Louisiana.
Frank: [in an unconscious state, begins French kissing Peppers as he is giving him CPR]
Peppers: [disgusted] This guy was French kissing me
[Peppers pushes Frank back in the pool]
Frank: Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.
Beanie: Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.
Beanie: You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.
Frank: I'm not single.
Beanie: She's 30 yards away, you're single now.
Frank: Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Beanie: Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?
Beanie: There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."
Mitch Martin: She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.
Asst. to Dean, "Cheese" Pritchard: [to Cheese] Yes, but they do seem to be pretty good at paperwork.
Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: The secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of 10 years or just some hot sailor you met at TJI Fridays a couple of months ago who never did call me back but did leave me with a little something called herpes... which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there. Grab your vegetables!
Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: Oh, that's funny to you... 'cause you won't be laughing when somebody prematurely pops in your face. It's stings... and that is now why I have a lazy eye.
Mitch: You don't understand me Beanie, it's sexual harassment. I mean I could go to jail for this.
Beanie: For what? Being Awesome? Besides Mitch, how old did you say this girl was, 17 years old? Mitch, that's a total grey area.
Mitch: It's a total felony.
Woman: [holding a grocery bag] What's going on?
Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by tonight. Okay, sweetie.
[reaches into the grocery bag and takes out cheese balls]
Beanie: [to Frank's father in law] It takes a man to give away an angel. You're sweet.
Barry, Oral Sex Instructor: He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there.
Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.
Garry: Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye.
Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you, retarded?
Mitch: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.
Beanie: That's awesome.
Beanie: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.
Weensie: Sir, I can't swim, sir.
Frank: Speak when spoken to.
Beanie: What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.
Garry: You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now, ladies, these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it!
Mitch: I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.
Frank: I love you, Dad.
Frank: Jerry, are you a statistics major or something?
Jerry: Actually I am. Minoring in Hebrew science.
Frank: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.
Beanie: No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though.