Jessica (Clive): [after kissing April] I am so lesbian right now.
April: So... do you really have a penis?
Jessica (Clive): I don't think you get the gravity of the situation here.
April: Can I see it?
Jessica (Clive): April!
April: Sorry... can I see it?
[Jessica gives April a dirty look]
April: Come on, it's not every day that your best friend grows a penis.
Jessica (Clive): Hildenburg, I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of the whole school and the visiting eighth graders, but you have no idea what it's like... to wake up every morning... and have to shave your chin.
Hildenburg: [crying] Yes, I do.
[Clive, in Jessica's body, looks at a box of tampons frantically]
Clive (Jessica): I gotta do WHAT?
[a stripper has recognized "Clive" and punches Jessica hard]
Clive (Jessica): Oooh. Nice one!
Pole Cat Stripper: Bastard! You got a lot of nerve coming back here!
Jessica (Clive): But I didn't...
Jessica (Clive): What was that all about?
Clive (Jessica): Do you believe I get to share a locker with that!
Jessica (Clive): [on the phone to Billy after becoming a man] I should have made love to you when I had the chance.
Billy: Father Mulcahy?
Jessica Spencer: Look at these earrings. I'll be the envy of every girl at prom. Not like that was in jeopardy or anything.
[April sighs in disgust]
Jessica (Clive): [after ripping the guy's ponytail off] You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner, your ends are totally SPLIT!
Long-haired Jock: Aren't you that chick who's having sex with that college guy?
Eden: [annoyed] NO.
Long-haired Jock: Wanna be?
Jessica (Clive): She's not interested, so why don't you just back off?
Long-haired Jock: Oh, OK. GRANDPA. What are you, a pimp and these are your skank hoes!
[Jessica slaps him hard]
Long-haired Jock: You and me, right now, lets go.
Jessica (Clive): Where are we going?
Clive (Jessica): [Walking into the bathroom after he has turned into Jessica] WHERE'S MY...?
Teacher: Now, I'm returning your papers on the Salem Witch Trials. I'm sad to report that Eden here got the only A.
Jessica Spencer: That's not fair. She's the only one who was actually there.
Eden: [Everyone laugh as Eden chants] Hexum maleficium spiritum sanctum nostradumus!
Clive (Jessica): I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, OK. Then, I'll give you your body back because it soooo important to you.
Clive (Jessica): Waa waa I'm crying about my body... And then, you can just loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts.
Korean Mother: Ling Ling, you forgot your bling bling.
[Jessica (Clive) to Jake while calling for April]
Jessica (Clive): Too late dude, she's with me right now. She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours. And that's if I fold it in half.
Bongo Player: You can put your weed in there.
Venetia: I wish my momma bought me some bling-bling.
Ling Ling: Out of all the Korean liquor stores, why did my dad have to walk into that one?
Bianca: Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends?
Jessica Spencer: You look good, too, Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more?
Monique: Barfing more.
[afterKeecia's Korean mother calls her daughter Ling-Ling in front of her classmates]
Venetia: Can somebody answer the phone?
Sissy: Oh dang, that's messed up.
Jessica Spencer, April: Boys are cheats and liars, they're such a big disgrace. They will tell you anything to get to second base... ball, baseball he thinks he's gonna score. If you let him go all the way then you are a hor... ticulture studies flowers, geologist studies rocks. The only thing a guy wants from you is a place to put his cock... roaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs. Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of jug... glers and acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck. All guys really want to do is - forget it, no such luck.
Jessica (Clive): Well, THAT was an experience... Is there any ice in here?
Jessica (Clive): Thank God.
Bathroom Attendant: Just remember, you shake it more than twice you're playing with it.
Jessica (Clive): April, do you remember in second grade when you moved here from Arkansas? And everyone made fun of you and threw rocks at you, 'cuz you talked funny and your front two teeth were brown. I was your only friend. I gave you that locket, round your neck, when your grandmother was sick. You said, you said...
April: We'd be bestest friends forever.
April: Ok, let's make a list of all the people that hate Jessica.
Lulu: You know what would be a shorter list? All the people that don't hate Jessica.
Jessica: You bitch!
Madam Mambuza: Stop banging on those drums!
Bongo Player: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you could hear that.
Jessica Spencer: You're the only boy who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.
Jessica (Clive): How come you didn't snitch on me?
Booger Spencer: Cuz you're my sister and I accept you for who you are.
Jessica (Clive): Come here;
Jessica (Clive): You're such a little weirdo.
Stan Thomas: If you ruin April's night, I will have you put away.
April: Uh, Jessica has a... problem.
Ling Ling: She's only going to make us wait an hour this time.
Lulu: What about the class trip to Six Flags. She took so long in the bathroom we missed the bus.
Ling Ling: Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up.
Jessica (Clive): I had my period, OK!
Jake: [describing April to Billy] She was a fun ride, no doubt about it, but she is a previously owned vehicle and I'm into that new car smell.
Jessica (Clive): You asshole!
Jessica (Clive): Whoever left these towels here is an asshole.
Jake: [Jake is trying to convince Billy to take someone else to the prom] Maybe this one will put out unlike that cold fish, Jessica.
Jessica (Clive): YOU GO TO HELL!
Jessica (Clive): [defeated] Whoever left these showers on, go to hell.
Jessica (Clive): [grabs Clive's drink as he's about to drink it] There'd better not be any alcohol in that!
Clive (Jessica): Oh, no no no. This is a VIRGIN Scotch on the Rocks.
[Clive is in a sauna surrounded by attractive women]
Clive (Jessica): I hear it's... uh... good for the skin if you take your towel off.
[the women all get up to leave]
Clive (Jessica): Hey! Where ya goin'? I'll see you in the shower.
[Notices that there is one other woman left]
Clive (Jessica): Hey there.
Venetia: Oh no, she didn't?
Sissy: Oh yes she did!
Venetia: [commenting on Ling-Ling's hot outfit] Girlfriend's booty be all wrapped up in licious!
Sissy: All wrapped up.
Ling Ling: You're pretty dope and phat yourselves
Korean Mother: Ling Ling. You forgot lunch, baby bie. Chicken back with five vegetable, bulgogi and kim chee.
Ling Ling: [embarassed] Thanks... mom.
Korean Mother: Ok. You all learn real good now!
Eden: It's a latin based form of witchcraft. It originated in Africa and eventually made it's way to Cuba and Brazil.
Jessica (Clive): I knew it.
Eden: Most of its rituals involve a chicken.
Hildenburg: That sounds delicious.
[everyone looks at her]
Hildenburg: Uh, I mean interesting.
Ling Ling: [to Madam Mambuza] This stuff makes me so proud to be African American.
Ling Ling: [coming into the store] Ling Ling! Ling Ling! You walk right by Crazy Nail, no say hi me.
Ling Ling: Hi... Mom...
Jessica (Clive): [disguised as Taquito; as Carol tries to kiss him] Carol, please! This would be wrong for me in at least five different ways!
Carol Spencer: [pulling away] You mean... you like men?
Jessica (Clive): Of course! What did you think?
Richie Spencer: [after beating Jessica/Clive-as-Taquito in basketball] Let me make you feel a little more at home... GOAL!
[Billy encounters Clive as himself working as a squeegee person]
Clive Maxtone: [recognizing Billy] Bobby! You got forty dollars for me, Bobby!
Billy: [recognizing Clive] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Clive Maxtone: DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?
[Billy runs Clive over]
Lulu: Minimum wage for a maximum loser!
[after Jake asks April for a second chance]
April: I'm sorry. But I'm kind of into that new boyfriend smell.
Korean Mother: You're not ashamed of me. You're really ashamed of yourself. Tell Lulu, easy on the chronic.
Jessica (Clive): It's me, Jessica!
Jessica (Clive): This is by far the worse day of my life!
Jessica (Clive): [whistles] Scoot, he's mine.
Bianca: Boy I don't think so!
[she head butts her]
Billy: Get away!
Jessica (Clive): You know, they should come with a warning. Earrings may come with *penis!*