A Garfield Christmas Special (1987 TV Short)
Garfield: Whoever invented Christmas trees should be drug out into the street and shot.
Jon Arbuckle: [whispering] Hey, Dad.
Doc Boy: [whispering] Psst. Hey, Dad. You awake?
Jon Arbuckle: Dad?
[turns on light]
Doc Boy: [shouts] Dad, you awake?
Dad: Well, I'm awake now. What do you boys want?
Jon Arbuckle: Is it time to open our presents yet?
Dad: It's 1:30 in the morning, and *no*, it's not time to open presents yet.
[turns off light]
Doc Boy: [to Jon] It *is* Christmas morning *now*, you know.
Jon Arbuckle: [turns light back on] Doc Boy has a point there, Dad. Any time after midnight is technically Christmas morning, you know.
Dad: [to Jon and Doc Boy] Go - to bed!
Jon Arbuckle: [slightly irritated] All right, all right.
[turns off light]
Doc Boy: [sarcastically as he and Jon leave] Pleasant dreams, Dad. It is Christmas morning.
Jon Arbuckle: I know that and you know that.
Garfield: All right, you guys, just permit me one sentimental moment here, will you? I have something to say. Christmas: it's not the giving, it's not the getting, it's the loving. There, I said it. Now get outta here.
Jon Arbuckle: I remember when my brother Doc Boy and I were little...
Garfield: Oh brother, here we go again.
Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Dad would chop down the tree.
Jon Arbuckle: Mom would fix up a meal.
Jon Arbuckle: Doc Boy would get in the way.
Garfield: Fighting. Big fat hairy deal.
Jon Arbuckle: Decorating the tree.
Jon Arbuckle: Wiring all of the lights.
Garfield: Electrical contracting.
Jon Arbuckle: Wrapping boxes and writing out cards.
Garfield: Office work. Outta sight.
Jon Arbuckle: Doc Boy, how's my favorite brother?
Doc Boy: Don't call me Doc Boy. You've probably forgotten I'm your ONLY brother.
Mom: [as Doc Boy eagerly goes for a biscuit, Mom slaps his hand away] Doc Boy, will you say grace, please?
Doc Boy: [reluctantly] Aw, Mom!
Mom: [warningly] Doc Boy!
Doc Boy: I never know what to...
[Grandma hits Doc Boy on the head with the gravy ladle, and Doc Boy goes into prayer]
Doc Boy: [praying hesitantly] Lord, we just want to tell you - how grateful we are for this food. And, um... for letting us all be here together - on Christmas Eve.
[Everyone starts to go for the food, but Doc Boy stands up and continues his prayer]
Doc Boy: And as surely, as the waters of the streams and the rivers find the sea, let each of us find happiness and wisdom in this hour...
[Grandma hits Doc Boy with the ladle again]
Doc Boy: Thanks, Lord. Let's eat!
Dad: [reading "Binky: The Clown Who Saved Christmas"] Once upon a time, there was a clown named Binky, who loved children. Every time Binky saw children, he would say, "Hey, kids!"
Jon Arbuckle: No, no, no, no, no, Dad! Read it with more emotion!
Doc Boy: Yeah, yeah! An-an-and why don't you say it like Binky says it?
Dad: [Clears throat] Every time Binky saw children, he would say, "HEEEEEEEEY, KIIIIIIIIDS!"
[Odie licks Dad to indicate his approval]
Dad: [annoyed] Cut that out!
Jon Arbuckle: [singing] Then we'd take those presents / And pile them under the tree / We'd barely get a wink of sleep / Wondering what they could be.
Garfield: [singing] The special gifts of Christmas.
Jon Arbuckle: Christmas.
Garfield: That really make it great.
Jon Arbuckle: It's so great.
Garfield: Are the insomnia and the anxiety... Kids get from having to wait.
Jon Arbuckle: Can't wait 'til Christmas / There's so much to do / Can't wait 'til Christmas...
Garfield: Wake me when it's through.
Jon Arbuckle: Grandma, you remember Garfield, don't you?
Grandma: Well, I'll be. I remember back when all we had were wood-burning cats. Ah, what'll they think of next?
Jon Arbuckle: Hey, Mom, pass the potatoes, please.
Mom: Scalloped, whipped, fried, baked, or boiled?
Jon Arbuckle: Mom! You always fix too much food.
Mom: I know, honey, I know. Now what would you like?
Jon Arbuckle: Why, I can't decide. Just give me a piece of pie.
Mom: Apple, peach, pumpkin, blueberry, cherry, or banana cream?
Grandma: Grandpa was a proud man. A strong man. He was a good provider. We - never had much money, but we always had plenty of food on the table. And he always made something special for me and each of the children at Christmas. Men like him didn't feel like they could show much affection outwardly to the children, but - on Christmas, it was okay. He always pretended not to be excited on Christmas morning, but his eyes gave him away. I think... I think it was his favorite day of the year. Sometimes I wake up in the night, and I can still feel his strong arms around me.
Grandma: This is the night I miss him the most.
Grandma: Of course, to make it through this whole life, you have to be a little crazy.
Garfield: You said it, Grandma.
Grandma: Why, just look at me - I talk to cats!
Jon Arbuckle: [as he, Garfield, and Odie pull up to the farm house] Now, behave yourself this Christmas, Garfield.
Garfield: No problem; I'll wait in the car.
Dad: Well, what do you boys want to do first? Do you want to do chores? Do you want to eat breakfast? Or do you want to open presents?
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, there's plenty of leftovers.
[presenting Garfield with a plate of leftovers]
Jon Arbuckle: Would you like something to eat?
Garfield: Oh, no thank you, Jon.
[patting his now-full stomach]
Garfield: I've opted to watch my waist line this holiday season.
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield, come over here.
[Garfield turns around]
Jon Arbuckle: Garfield, I have a very important job for you. It's a dangerous assignment, but if you succeed, you'll be a hero.
Garfield: A hero! I like that.
Jon Arbuckle: I want you to take this star up the tree and put it on the top.
Garfield: [saluting Jon and accepting the star] Climbing trees is my life, sir. If I'm not back in an hour, send a banana cream pie after me.
Garfield: [before he climbs the Christmas tree to try to put the star on top] This is gonna be a piece of cake. Never send a man to do a cat's job.
Mom: And now, everyone, my little boy is going to favor us with a Christmas song.
Doc Boy: [reluctantly] I don't know about this, Mom.
Dad: Boy, you doggone better well play. Those 24 years of py-ano lessons better be worth something.
Garfield: Hello, what's this? Why it's sausage gravy!
[Garfield licks some gravy off his paw. His face turns red from the chili powder that Grandma had put in the gravy earlier. Garfield's ears smoke and he spits out fire]
[Doc Boy plays a draining song of "O Christmas Tree" on the piano]
Doc Boy: O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how lovely are thy...
[Grandma bumps Doc Boy off the piano]
Grandma: Scoot over, Sonny Boy! Let ole Grandma take a whack at that!
[Grandma plays a mean piano and everyone is awestruck]
Grandma: O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how lovely are thy branches! Whoa-whoa-bee-doop-bee-doop-bee-doop!
Jon Arbuckle: We're almost back on the farm now, boys. I can almost smell Mom's chestnut dressing baking in the oven right now.
Garfield: [sniffs] That's not what I smell.
Mom: [beaming] Isn't this wonderful? The whole family together again for the holidays. We're going to have such a splendid Christmas. Oh, I'm so happy I could just burst!
Grandma: Oh, put a sock in it, dearie.
Garfield: [about Jon's parents' Christmas Eve dinner] Mmmm. Attentive service. Excellent cuisine. However the decor leaves something to be desired. I give this place - two stars.
Jon Arbuckle: Hey, Garfield, guess what today is.
Garfield: Listen carefully, Jon: I don't do pop quizzes before breakfast, okay?
Jon Arbuckle: Are you ready for this, Garfield? It's Christmas Eve morning! We're gonna pack up our presents and go to the farm for Christmas! Won't that be fun?
Garfield: You've got a real sick sense of humor, Jon. You know that, don't you?
Jon Arbuckle: The whole family's gonna be there: Dad, Mom, and Grandma, and Doc Boy...
Garfield: And Good Boy, Bad Boy, Oh Boy, Attaboy...
Jon Arbuckle: Come on, Garfield, we have a busy day ahead of us!
Garfield: [to himself] Why is it every Christmas I get drug out of my warm bed just to see some stupid old relatives? And why do we always have to go to that stupid old farm? Why can't they come here where my warm bed is? And why am I whispering?
Garfield: [after some letters bonk his head] I don't believe it. These letters must be - 50 years old.
Jon Arbuckle: There's no doubt about it, Christmas is my favorite holiday. The air's crisp, homes are brightly decorated, and everybody's walking around with big smiles on their faces.
Jon Arbuckle: Uh, almost everybody. I think the best part is watching the faces of children and sharing memories of being a child at Christmas. I remember when my brother Doc Boy and I were little.
Garfield: Oh, brother, here we go again.
Jon Arbuckle: [as he tries to help Dad put the star on top of the tree] Careful, Dad. Don't hurt yourself.
Dad: Why is it that we always put the stupid star on last? Why don't we put the star on top of the tree, then put the tree up?
Mom: Well, it just wouldn't be Christmas if we put the star on first, honey.
Jon Arbuckle: [as he, Garfield, and Odie go for a walk in the snow] This is what it's all about, right boys? Hard work, crisp weather, and beautiful scenery!
Garfield: [his tail sticking out from the snow] What scenery? I think somebody turned the lights out. In fact, I'd go so far as say things can't get much worse than -
[crashes into a snow gauge]
Garfield: I gotta quit saying that.
Garfield: [after he tries out his new back scratcher that Odie gave him] Odie, sometimes you amaze me. This is the best present a cat could ever get. Now and then, you're something special.
Garfield: [holding up some jewels he received from his gift-giving machine] That's just for starters. Now this is what Christmas is all about.
Dad: [finishing "Binky: the Clown Who Saved Christmas"] Now once again, Binky the Clown saved Christmas for children all over the world.
[closes the book]
Dad: The end.
Doc Boy: I don't know about you, Jon, but for a couple of minutes there, I was gettin' pretty worried.
Jon Arbuckle: Ooh, me too!
Mom: [chuckling] All right, boys, it's time to get ready for bed.
Jon Arbuckle: All right!
Grandma: Why, hello, Garfield. How did you know I needed a kitty in my lap?
Garfield: Wild guess.
Grandma: Since Grandpa passed on, I've wiled away many a lonely hour rocking and stroking my cats.
Garfield: I envy those cats.
Mom: By any chance, you're not thinking of putting chili powder in my sausage gravy, are you, Grandma?
Grandma: Why, no!
Grandma: Heavens to Betsy, child, what would give you such a notion?
Grandma: Just because my chili gravy won a blue ribbon at the county fair and your gravy didn't even place. Who'm I to tell you how to make gravy? The Greene County Gravy champion, that's who!