The Russian government has collapsed. Amidst the chaos, riots, and struggle for power, a terrible weapon has leaked out. Virulent microflage, a deadly germ of the cold war has begun to ... See full summary »
Paul is on one of his many business trips to Tokyo, as a computer-chip executive from New York, when he meets a beautiful and mysterious woman. Later, he finds himself in the wrong place at... See full summary »
Jimi, a successful computer game designer, finds that his latest product has been infected by a virus which has given consciousness to the main character of the game, Solo. Tormented by the... See full summary »
A chess grandmaster is in a big tournament, and when his lover is found painted up and the blood drained out of her body he becomes a chief suspect. After he gets a call from the killer ... See full summary »
Alex Laney, a professional killer, is hired to be the bodyguard of Robert Nile in the City of Cape, in South Africa. Robert Nile is the witness of prosecution of Christ, a powerful gangster... See full summary »
Some time after their botched operation to capture a known Palestinian terrorist, a team of Israeli agents starts to get killed off one by one. Their leader must get to the bottom of things before the killer(s) plan is complete.
In the Seventeenth Century, while Hungary is fighting the Turks, the population of a small village in the Carpathian Mountains faces the evil Countess Elizabeth Bathory, accused of drinking... See full summary »
Chicago homicide detectives John Prudhome and Andrew "Andy" Hollingsworth are assigned to investigate a gruesome murder, and both become entangled in the plot of a serial killer whose goal is to recreate the body of Christ.
In the near future, a virus has infected everyone on the planet, and Absolon is a drug that everyone must take to stay alive. One corporation controls the drug. Murchison is the leader of this firm. A scientist who was researching the virus is found murdered, and Norman Scott is the policeman who investigates the crime. Soon Norman realizes that he's in over his head, as hitmen are gunning for him. Written by
Ken Miller <email@example.com>
The title is a Biblical reference to King David's son, who died from becoming trapped in the branches of a tree and then being murdered while defenseless. See more »
When Scott turns on the gas in Greer's apartment, he turns the valve perpendicular to the pipeline. That would actually turn a gas line off. The valve handle must be parallel to the pipeline to be in the on position. See more »
One of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever.
As far as direct-to-video sci-fi, it hardly gets worse than Absolon, and that's saying a whole lot. As with about 97.9% of the people who have seen this movie, I rented it because Christopher Lambert was in it. This movie was bad even by Christopher Lambert direct-to-video standards. The plot is a ludicrous story of viruses and big business in the "future". This future doesn't look very futuristic, but this is explained away in the prologue by telling the viewer that because so many people died in a plague, the world's population has enough goods to last another 100 years. I guess that's why everyone drives 2001 Tauruses and Explorers then, not budget constraints, right? Lambert comes out OK here, as he once again rises above his awful material to give what is at the very least an acceptable performance. Other than that, watch out. Lou Diamond Phillips hams it up like never before, and even Ron Perlman is stunningly awful in his small role (I guarantee he wasn't on set for more than a day or two, as his character never leaves his desk, and about halfway through the movie he stops interacting in person with the other characters, instead using video conferencing). Additionally, I'm pretty sure that in this future, anyone can be a cop, because one of Lambert's fellow cops looks like she is about 10 minutes removed from a Ramones show (with dark red streaks in her jet-black hair) and another appears to be wearing some sort of Indiana Jones Halloween costume (fedora included). Kelly Brook is gorgeous as Lambert's love interest, although her acting talent is limited as is her willingness to do nude scenes apparently. I've never felt so teased by a female character's lack of nudity in my life.
The direction is awful, I'm sure half of the people that read this, if not more, could make a better movie. Barto uses some of the most ridiculous editing techniques I've ever seen, including an incredibly obnoxious fast-forward/slo-mo combination that hurts my eyes every time it comes on screen. Even worse than the direction is the music. It's one thing to have the John Carpenter-esquire simplistic synth score, it's quite another to try to make it sound complex. The score was obviously recorded entirely on a synthesizer on "Strings" setting to emulate an orchestra, and the effect is hilarious, giving every second of music in the film a Casio Keyboard quality. This is not the only problem with the sound, however, as I swear there was one point in a chase sequence when Brook moved her mouth as if speaking and no speech accompanied it.
One of the worst movies I've ever seen, and maybe THE worst, but I'm giving it 3/10 because it is unintentionally funny to the point of actually being watchable all the way through, if only to wait for the next misstep.
22 of 31 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful to you?