Det. Stanley Jacobellis: Man, you know what I'd love to do, right now? Go down to Marie Callender's, get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it, mmm-hmm good! Put some on your head! Your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it! INTERESTED? SURE?
Larry Gigli: Lemme tell you something, in every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright?
[Points to self]
Larry Gigli: Bull.
[Points to Ricki]
Larry Gigli: Cow. You got that?
Ricki: Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow.
Larry Gigli: You know something? You're right. It is sadness. Its sadness and I'm fucking sad. You got me. You're a genius. You know why I'm fucking sad? Because I got this fucking beautiful-sexy-gorgeous-hearthrob-o-rama-fucking-smart-amazing-bombshell-seventeen-on a fucking ten scale- girl sleeping in a bed right next to me and you know what? She's a stone cold dike. A fucking untouchable, unhaveable, unattainable brick wall fucking dike-a-saurus rexi. So its sad. Okay? What you want me to do? I feel fucking sadness about that. There's nothing I can fucking do.
Larry Gigli: And not only is she a major babe, but I really like this girl a lot, a lot, I mean she's not like anybody else I ever knew before and that's a completely fucking new one on me, and I don't even know her real fucking name so there you go. Oh and in case you're interested, my life sucks. Alright? Stick a fork in me I'm done.
Larry Gigli: Don't tell me what we're supposed to do!
Ricki: How about this? You leave him alone or I'll kill you.
Larry Gigli: You'll kill me? Fuck you, go ahead!
Ricki: I'll kill you.
Larry Gigli: You don't tell me what to do, okay? Don't tell me what we might do, don't tell me what we're supposed to do, don't tell me what we maybe should do, don't ever tell me nothing!
Ricki: I'll tell you this. You leave him alone or I'll kill you.
Larry Gigli: Mr. Starkman...
Starkman: I KNOW MY FUCKIN' NAME. You piece of shit. You don't try to extort a Federal-fuckin'-Prosecutor. And if you do, YOU DON'T FUCK AROUND.
Larry Gigli: You see, after all is said and done, the only thing you can be really sure of, the only thing you can really count on in this world, is that you just never fucking know.
Brian: [Robin nonchalantly cuts her wrists] Lady, you need some Band-Aids.
Larry Gigli: If by some fuckin' miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin' Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of fuckin' cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin' feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I'm the fuckin' original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster's gangster!
Ricki: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm gonna go get my stuff.
[Larry answers the door]
Larry Gigli: Yeah?
Robin: Who the fuck are you?
Larry Gigli: Who the fuck are *you*?
[Robin enters the apartment]
Larry Gigli: Excuse me.
Robin: What a shithole.
Larry Gigli: Lady, I think you're in the wrong place.
Robin: No, you're in the wrong place! You have no idea.
[She sees Brian]
Robin: Oh, and who the fuck are you?
Brian: You're the fuck are you.
Starkman: Louis, you wanna go to medical school?
Louis: Medical school?
[Starkman shoots him]
Starkman: Yeah! Students there can always use something to learn on!
Mother: Remember you two, keep an open mind because you never know!
Starkman: What do you morons think, that this is little Italy? Wake up! THIS IS THE TWENTY-FUCKIN'-FIRST CENTURY!
Ricki: Like your mother said, life's not always black and white. Sometimes you just never know.
Larry Gigli: Are you driving, or are you bullshitting?
Ricki: I'm driving.
Det. Stanley Jacobellis: Your door's not thick enough to pretend you're not home when you're home.
Larry Gigli: What?
Ricki: You know, I bet you'd look great in some mascara.
Larry Gigli: I'm not sure how to take that.
Ricki: It's a compliment.
Larry Gigli: My name, it's pronounced "Gigli", it rhymes with "really".
Larry Gigli: As far as the whole lesbian thing goes.
Larry Gigli: If you do ever think about hoppin' the fence, promise you'll give me a call first.
Larry Gigli: Hey, you wanna turn that down?
High School Kid #1: You fucking turn it down.
Ricki: I don't think this is the best time to be drawing attention to ourselves.
Larry Gigli: Hey, Beavis, turn the fucking radio off.
High School Kid #1: What the fuck is your problem, bitch?
Larry Gigli: "Bitch"?
Ricki: You know what, creating a scene right now would be a bad thing.
High School Kid #1: Yeah, that's right. Why don't you come here so we can kick your ass.
Brian: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.
Larry Gigli: You got a good sense of humor,you know that?
Brian: God bless you.
Larry Gigli: Thank you.
Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say, 'God bless you'... God bless you, penis.
Ricki: [to Larry] You know, I heard you were a bit of a fuck-up. But, frankly, I'm amazed at how much of a fuck-up you really are!
Ricki: In traditional Tai Moi Chai, there are five levels of digital orb extrusion.
Det. Stanley Jacobellis: I know. You don't know nothin'. I can tell, just by lookin' at you.
Det. Stanley Jacobellis: The whole thing's probably alien abduction, like I said before.