Quotes

Roxie: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Matron Mama Morton: You're talking to the wrong people.

Velma Kelly: [about Roxie] First she steals my publicity. Then she steals my lawyer, my trial date. And now she steals my goddamn garter.

Annie: I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single" he told me. Single, my ass. Not only was he married... oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

June: I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, when in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times.

Velma Kelly: [to Roxie] You wanted advice? Well here it is... straight from me to you... keep your paws off my underwear.

Billy Flynn: Miss Kelly, do you know the meaning of perjury?

Velma Kelly: Yes, I do

Billy Flynn: You also know that it's a crime?

Velma Kelly: Yes

Billy Flynn: For example, if you knew this diary was a fake, I'd hate to see you rot away in prison especially since you just won your freedom...

Velma Kelly: Look, all I know is what I was told!

Billy Flynn: Oh, so you didn't find this diary in Roxie's cell?

Velma Kelly: No. Mama - Miss Morton gave it to me. She said someone sent it to her

Billy Flynn: Someone... did she have any idea who this mysterious benefactor could be?

Velma Kelly: [Irritated] No, she didn't know!

Roxie: It'll never work.

Velma Kelly: Why not?

Roxie: Because I hate you.

Velma Kelly: There's only one business where that's no problem at all.

Billy Flynn: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently.

[his last lines]

Billy Flynn: You're a free woman, Roxie Hart. And God save Illinois.

Roxie: Don't you wanna take my picture?

Velma Kelly: My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I earned a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.

Amos Hart: Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, Mr. Cellophane, 'cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Velma Kelly: And then some.

Bailiff: Take a seat.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Would you state your name for the record, please?

Velma Kelly: Velma Kelly.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell?

Velma Kelly: Yes, it is.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary!

Billy Flynn: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant!

Roxie Hart: Yeah, AND she broke the lock!

Velma Kelly: My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we're at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozin, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice, so I run out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie doing number 17, the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.

Bandleader: Mr. Billy Flynn and the press conference rag. Notice how his mouth never moves... almost.

Velma Kelly: Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky. I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz.

Roxie: You were mentioned in the paper today, in the back with the obituaries. 'Velma Kelly's trial has been post-poned indefinitely.' Seven words.

Roxie: [singing] If they string me up, well, I'll know who brought the twine. That scummy, crummy, dummy hubby of mine.

[after singing "Mr. Cellophane"]

Amos Hart: Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

Roxie: [singing] I can't stand that sap.

Amos: What a sap I was.

Matron Mama Morton: In this town, murder's a form of entertainment.

Velma Kelly: You know you're really pretty good.

Roxie: Yeah, that and a dime. What are you doing here?

Velma Kelly: I heard you been, uh, making the rounds.

Roxie: Yeah, well, if it was up to you I'd be swinging by now.

Velma Kelly: Come on, I always knew Billy'd get you off. You should learn how to put things behind you.

Roxie: Oh, thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list. Right after finding a job and an apartment with a john.

Roxie: Mr. Flynn!

[pretends to faint]

Billy Flynn: Someone open this door immediately!

Ms. Sunshine: Oh, my God! Roxie! What is it, dear?

Roxie: Oh! Oh! Oh, no no no. Don't, don't worry about me. Oh, I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.

Matron Mama Morton: Baby?

Velma Kelly: Shit!

Bandleader: Miss Velma Kelly in an act... of desperation

[after Velma has testified against Roxie, Billy moves to discredit her]

Bandleader: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.

Reporter: Would you like to give us a word or two?

Kitty Baxter: I'll give you three- GO TO HELL.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: This is hanging case, and we're ready to go to in front of the jury tomorrow.

Roxie: Wha-Wha-What do you mean hanging?

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: You're not so tough now, are you?

Roxie: What do ya mean hanging?

Roxie: He was trying to burgle me.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: From what I hear, he's been burgling you three times a week for the past month.

Roxie: And then I started foolin' around... and then I started screwin' around, which is foolin' around without dinner.

Velma Kelly: [singing] Now you see me goin' through it. You may think there's nothin' to it. But I simply cannot do it alone.

Billy Flynn: My client feels that it was a combination of liquor and jazz that led to the downfall.

Matron Mama Morton: As you know I'm here to take care of you. Now if anything hurts you, or upsets you in any way... don't run your fat ass mouth off to me cause I don't give a shit. Now move out.

[practicing for her interview]

Roxie: [Southern accent] I was born on a beautiful southern convent.

Matron Mama Morton: What?

Roxie: [Normal voice] Oh, holy shit! Oh, I'm never gonna get this straight.

Roxie: In the Bed Department, Amos was... zero. I mean, he made love to me like he was fixing a carburetor or something.

Roxie: I'm gonna be a celebrity, that means somebody everyone knows. They're gonna recognize my eyes, my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose.

Billy Flynn: I don't want ya to give a damn when people...

Amos: When people what?

Billy Flynn: Laugh.

Amos: Laugh? Why would they laugh?

Billy Flynn: 'Cause they can count. Can you count?

Roxie: You see, ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be on the stage.

Velma Kelly: Oh yeah? What's your talent; washing and drying?

Roxie: Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong but he doesn't care. He'll string along. He loves me so, that Funny Honey of mine. / Sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm up. But he follows round like some droopy eyed pup. He loves me so, that Funny Honey of mine.

Roxie: What if the world slandered my name, well he'd be right there taking the blame. He loves me so. And it all suits me fine. That funny, sunny, honey hubby of mine.

Velma Kelly: Find a flask, we're playing fast and loose And all that jazz. Right up here is where I store the juice... And all that jazz.

Roxie Hart: [singing] Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both, oh yes we both, oh yes we both reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun. Oh, yes, we both reached for the gun, for the gun.

Roxie: Who says that murder's not an art?

[last lines]

Velma Kelly: Me and Roxie would just like to say, thank you.

Roxie: Thank you! Believe us, we could never have done it without you.

Velma Kelly, Roxie: [sung] And all... that... jazz! That jazz!

Bandleader: Five, six, seven, eight!

Roxie: And who incase she doesn't hang, can say she started with a bang... Roxie Hart

Matron Mama Morton: Sometimes you get a little success, and it's good riddance to who put you there.

Ms. Sunshine: [singing] Are you sorry?

Roxie: Are you kidding?

Roxie: I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard.

Billy Flynn: [grinning] Shut up, dummy.

Roxie: Say it again, Fred!

Fred Casely: You're a star, kid! My little shooting star!

Billy Flynn: [to Roxie] You are a phony celebrity. You're a flash in the pan. In a couple of weeks, no one's gonna give a shit about you. *That's* Chicago.