June: I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, when in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times.
Roxie: You're, THE Velma Kelly. I was there the night you got arrested.
Velma Kelly: Yeah? You and half of Chicago.
Velma Kelly: [Rising from the stage alone] 'C'mon Babe, why don't we paint the town... And all that Jazz. I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down... And all Jazz. Start the car I know a whoopie spot... where the gin is cold and the piano's hot. It's just a noisy hall, where there's a nightly brawl... And all that Jazz.
Amos Hart: Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, Mr. Cellophane, 'cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.
Roxie: It'll never work.
Velma Kelly: Why not?
Roxie: Because I hate you.
Velma Kelly: There's only one business where that's no problem at all.
Roxie: You want some advice, well here's a piece of advice from me to you, lay off the caramels.
Velma Kelly: My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we're at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozin, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice, so I run out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie doing number 17, the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.
Velma Kelly: [singing] No I'm no one's wife, but oh, I love my life and all that jazz.
Velma Kelly: Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky. I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz.
[after singing "Mr. Cellophane"]
Amos Hart: Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: You mean he was dead when you got home?
Amos Hart: She's got him covered in a sheet and she's telling me this cock-and-bull story about this burgular, and how I ought to say it was me 'cuz I was sure to get off. 'Help me Amos', she says, 'it's my Goddamn hour of need'.
[talking over Roxie's singing]
Amos Hart: That cheap little tramp. So she's been two-timing me, huh? Well I'm through protecting her; she can swing for all I care! Boy, I'm down at the garage working my butt off 14 hours a day and she's out there munching on bon-bons and tramping around like some Goddamn floozy! Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes? Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I tell ya there are some things a man just can't take, and this time she pushed me too far. That little chiseler. Boy what a sap I was!
Velma Kelly: You know you're really pretty good.
Roxie: Yeah, that and a dime. What are you doing here?
Velma Kelly: I heard you been, uh, making the rounds.
Roxie: Yeah, well, if it was up to you I'd be swinging by now.
Velma Kelly: Come on, I always knew Billy'd get you off. You should learn how to put things behind you.
Roxie: Oh, thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list. Right after finding a job and an apartment with a john.
Roxie: Mr. Flynn!
[pretends to faint]
Billy Flynn: Someone open this door immediately!
Ms. Sunshine: Oh, my God! Roxie! What is it, dear?
Roxie: Oh! Oh! Oh, no no no. Don't, don't worry about me. Oh, I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.
Matron Mama Morton: Baby?
Velma Kelly: Shit!
Reporter: Would you like to give us a word or two?
Kitty Baxter: I'll give you three- GO TO HELL.
Roxie: He was trying to burgle me.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: From what I hear, he's been burgling you three times a week for the past month.
Velma Kelly: [singing] Now you see me goin' through it. You may think there's nothin' to it. But I simply cannot do it alone.
Velma Kelly: I just can't take it anymore. You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato!
[Mama sits up with her hair dyed blonde like Roxie's]
Velma Kelly: Oh no, Mama, not you, too.
Billy Flynn: Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Assistant D.A. Harrison to drop all charges against you in exchange for your testimony?
Velma Kelly: Why, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.
Roxie: I'm gonna be a celebrity, that means somebody everyone knows. They're gonna recognize my eyes, my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose.
Roxie: You see, ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be on the stage.
Velma Kelly: Oh yeah? What's your talent; washing and drying?
Velma Kelly: My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop. My sister and I were headed straight for the top. My sister and I earned a thou a week at least, but my sister is now unfortunately deceased. I know it's sad, of course, but a fact is still a fact. And now all that remains is the remains of a perfect double act.
Velma Kelly: [about Roxie] First she steals my publicity. Then she steals my lawyer, my trial date. And now she steals my goddamn garter.
Liz: You know how some people have these little habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. So I come home from work one night and I'm real irritated, and I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Bernie, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. POPPIN'. So I said "If you pop that gum one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... into his head.
Annie: I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single" he told me. Single, my ass. Not only was he married... oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.
Billy Flynn: This trial... the whole world... it's all... show business.
Billy Flynn: Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous, row after row will grow vociferous.
Velma Kelly: [to Roxie] You wanted advice? Well here it is... straight from me to you... keep your paws off my underwear.
Roxie: Oh, Miss Kelly, got your personals. freshly pressed by yours truly.
[Velma pulls some cash out of her shirt]
Roxie: No, no, it's my pleasure.
Velma Kelly: [Begins to walk away]
Roxie: Hey, can i ask you something?
[Velma turns around]
Roxie: You know that Harrison guy? Well he said what I done is a hangin' case and that he's prepared to ask for the maximum penalty.
Velma Kelly: Yea? So?
Roxie: So, I'm scared, I would really appreciate some advice, especially from someone I admire as much as you.You see, since I can remember, I have wanted to be on the stage.
Velma Kelly: Oh really? What's your talent? Washin' and dryin'?
Roxie: [Smile fades] No, no, I danced in the chorus.
Velma Kelly: Oh.
Roxie: Well, that was before I met my husband, Amos...
Velma Kelly: Look, honey, you want some advice? Well, here it is, direct from me to you. Keep your paws off my underwear, 'kay?
Roxie: Yeah, okay. Thanks.
Roxie: [Once Velma is out of earshot] For nothin'
Billy Flynn: Miss Kelly, do you know the meaning of perjury?
Velma Kelly: Yes, I do
Billy Flynn: You also know that it's a crime?
Velma Kelly: Yes
Billy Flynn: For example, if you knew this diary was a fake, I'd hate to see you rot away in prison especially since you just won your freedom...
Velma Kelly: Look, all I know is what I was told!
Billy Flynn: Oh, so you didn't find this diary in Roxie's cell?
Velma Kelly: No. Mama - Miss Morton gave it to me. She said someone sent it to her
Billy Flynn: Someone... did she have any idea who this mysterious benefactor could be?
Velma Kelly: [Irritated] No, she didn't know!
Mona: I loved Al Lipshitz more than I could possibly say. He was a real artistic guy, sensitive, a painter. But he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself. And on the way, he found Ruth. Gladys. Rosemary. And Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. And I saw him dead.
Billy Flynn: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently.
Roxie: They LOVE me.
Billy Flynn: They'd love you a lot more if you were hanged. You know why? Because it would sell more papers!
[his last lines]
Billy Flynn: You're a free woman, Roxie Hart. And God save Illinois.
Billy Flynn: Would you please tell the audience... err... the jury what happened?
Billy Flynn: Give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle razzle 'em. Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate.
Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Velma Kelly: And then some.
Bailiff: Take a seat.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Would you state your name for the record, please?
Velma Kelly: Velma Kelly.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell?
Velma Kelly: Yes, it is.
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary!
Billy Flynn: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant!
Roxie Hart: Yeah, AND she broke the lock!
Billy Flynn: Objection!
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Your Honor, I haven't even asked a question yet.
Roxie: [singing] With just one more brain what a half-wit he'd be...
Bandleader: Mr. Billy Flynn and the press conference rag. Notice how his mouth never moves... almost.
Roxie: You were mentioned in the paper today, in the back with the obituaries. 'Velma Kelly's trial has been post-poned indefinitely.' Seven words.
Roxie: You can like the life you're living, you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry, but mess around with Ike.
Roxie: [singing] He ain't no sheik, that's no great physique, and lord knows he ain't got the smarts.
Matron Mama Morton: [singing] Don't you know that this hand washes that one, too? When you're good to Mama, Mama's good to you.
Matron Mama Morton: In this town, murder's a form of entertainment.
Roxie: ...And Sophie Tucker will shit I know, to see her name get billed below... Roxie Hart.
Roxie: Oooh,I'm a star, and the audience loves me... and I love them. And they love me for loving them and I love them for loving me. And we love each other. And that's because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that's showbiz... kid.
Roxie: [singing] And then he shot off his trap... man I can't stand that sap. Look at him go. Rattin on me.
[after Velma has testified against Roxie, Billy moves to discredit her]
Bandleader: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.
Roxie: This dress makes me look like a Woolworths lamp shade. I'm not wearing this dress.
Billy Flynn: You're wearing cause I tell you too.
Roxie: I'm not wearing it.
[after Roxie finds out about Fred Casley]
Roxie: Yeah, I killed him and I would kill him again! I would kill him again!
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Once was enough, dearie. Take her downtown. Come on!
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: This is hanging case, and we're ready to go to in front of the jury tomorrow.
Roxie: Wha-Wha-What do you mean hanging?
Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: You're not so tough now, are you?
Roxie: What do ya mean hanging?
[at the entrance to the jail cells]
Matron Mama Morton: Hey, you must be that Hart girl.
Roxie: Yes, m'am
Matron Mama Morton: Aren't you the pretty one.
Roxie: Thank you m'am
Matron Mama Morton: Call me mama. Now don't worry 'cause we're gonna take care of you. You'll be staying on E-block. "Murderess Row" we like to call it.
Roxie: Oh... Is that nicer?
Ms. Sunshine: As you know my paper is dry. Do you have any advice for girls who choose to avoid a life of jazz, and drink?
Roxie: And then I started foolin' around... and then I started screwin' around, which is foolin' around without dinner.
Nickie: Ever have Morton before? Oh... she's fine. As long as you keep her happy.
Velma Kelly: She'd say, "What's your sister like?" I'd say, "Men."
Billy Flynn: My client feels that it was a combination of liquor and jazz that led to the downfall.
Matron Mama Morton: [singing] Let's all stroke together, like the Princeton crew. When you're strokin' Mama, MAMA'S STROKIN' YOU!
Matron Mama Morton: As you know I'm here to take care of you. Now if anything hurts you, or upsets you in any way... don't run your fat ass mouth off to me cause I don't give a shit. Now move out.
Velma Kelly: You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.
Roxie: What's that supposed to mean?
Velma Kelly: It means, don't let him hog the spot-light when you're the one they paid to see.
[practicing for her interview]
Roxie: [Southern accent] I was born on a beautiful southern convent.
Matron Mama Morton: What?
Roxie: [Normal voice] Oh, holy shit! Oh, I'm never gonna get this straight.
Roxie: In the Bed Department, Amos was... zero. I mean, he made love to me like he was fixing a carburetor or something.
[Velma asks Moma how much it will cost her for a phone call]
Matron Mama Morton: Come on, Vel, you know how I feel about you. You're like family to me, one of my own.
Matron Mama Morton: I'll do it for fifty.
Billy Flynn: I don't want ya to give a damn when people...
Amos: When people what?
Billy Flynn: Laugh.
Amos: Laugh? Why would they laugh?
Billy Flynn: 'Cause they can count. Can you count?
Matron Mama Morton: They say that life is tit for tat, and that's the way I live... so I deserve a lotta tat for what I've got to give.
Roxie: Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong but he doesn't care. He'll string along. He loves me so, that Funny Honey of mine. / Sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm up. But he follows round like some droopy eyed pup. He loves me so, that Funny Honey of mine.
Roxie: But look at that soul. I tell ya that hole is a whole lot greater than the sum of his parts. And if you knew him like me. I know you'd agree.
Roxie: What if the world slandered my name, well he'd be right there taking the blame. He loves me so. And it all suits me fine. That funny, sunny, honey hubby of mine.
Velma Kelly: Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes... And all that jazz. I hear that father dip is gonna blow the blues... And all that jazz. Hold on hun we're gonna bunny hug, I bought some aspirin down at united drug. In case we shake apart and want a brand new start to do that Jazz.
Velma Kelly: Find a flask, we're playing fast and loose And all that jazz. Right up here is where I store the juice... And all that jazz.
Velma Kelly: Oh, you're gonna see your sheba do the shimmy-shake... And all that jazz. Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break... And all that jazz. Show her where to park her girdle. Oh, her mother's blood'll curdle if she'd hear her baby's queer for All that jazz...
Roxie Hart: [singing] Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both, oh yes we both, oh yes we both reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun. Oh, yes, we both reached for the gun, for the gun.
Billy Flynn: This is Chicago, kid. You can't beat fresh blood on the walls.
Matron Mama Morton: [singing] If you want my gravy, pepper my ragout - Spice it up for Mama, she'll get hot for you.
Velma Kelly: Me and Roxie would just like to say, thank you.
Roxie: Thank you! Believe us, we could never have done it without you.
Matron Mama Morton: Ask any of the chickies in my pen - / They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen. / I love them all and all of them love me / Because the system works, / The system called "reciprocity"!
Billy Flynn: I don't care about expensive things / Cashmere coats, Diamond rings / Don't mean a thing / All I care about is love / That's what I'm here for.
Roxie: And who incase she doesn't hang, can say she started with a bang... Roxie Hart
Billy Flynn: You're a phony celebrity and in two weeks no one's going to give a shit about you... that's Chicago.
Matron Mama Morton: Sometimes you get a little success, and it's good riddance to who put you there.
Fred Casely: Let's go, babe!
Roxie: But I didn't even meet your friend. The one I was suppose to meet.
Fred Casely: It's ok, Roxie. It's all ready taken care of.
Roxie: You told him about me?
Billy Flynn: [to Roxie] You are a phony celebrity. You're a flash in the pan. In a couple of weeks, no one's gonna give a shit about you. *That's* Chicago.
Billy Flynn: [singing] Razzle dazzle them and they'll never catch wise.