Auto Focus (2002)
[watching their videotaped orgy]
Bob Crane: What is that on my ass?
John Carpenter: That is my hand.
Bob Crane: Rubbing my ass?
John Carpenter: So what?
Bob Crane: Your fingers are up my cheeks. What you doing in there?
John Carpenter: lt's an orgy, Bob.
Bob Crane: So you can just touch my ass?
John Carpenter: I thought you liked it. - I thought it was her! God! What's the difference?
Bob Crane: The difference? You got your fingers up my asshole!
John Carpenter: Sorry.
Bob Crane: Fuck you very much.
John Carpenter: Bob, I said I'm sorry... It's a group grope!
Bob Crane: I think it's perfect for me. I mean, this character Hogan, he's quick on his toes, he's hip, he's a con artist. I don't wanna jinx it, but I think it's what I've been working toward my whole career!
Anne Crane: Really? You've been working towards a Holocaust comedy?
Bob Crane: Ann!
Anne Crane: What, Bob?
Bob Crane: Please, not in front of the children! They look up to me!
Anne Crane: They're small. They look up to everyone.
Bob Crane: I'm a normal, red-blooded American man. I like to look at naked women. I love breasts, any kind. I love 'em! Boobs, bazooms, balloons, bags, bazongas. The bigger, the better. Nipples like udders, nipples like saucers, big pale rosy-brown nipples. Little bitty baby nipples. Real or fake, what's the difference? I like tits. Who's kidding who? Tits are great!
Interviewer: You've been married to your high school sweetheart for sixteen years.
Bob Crane: Fifteen, actually.
Interviewer: Fifteen years. How do you do it? What's your secret?
Bob Crane: Three words: Don't... make... waves. As every sailor knows, when one set of waves meets another set of waves, it can set up some chop. And when three sets of waves come together, it can make for some mighty rough sailing. It also helps sometimes to have a harmless safety valve. So when I get tense, I blow off steam. And so, when it comes to my own family, I don't make waves.
Interviewer: That's inspirational. You're a fortunate man.
Bob Crane: Yes. Yes, I am.
Bob Crane: Mel, I thought you were a fellow entertainer.
Mel Rosen: I'm also a Jew.
Bob Crane: It's the same thing!
John Carpenter: Do you know what time it is? It's FUCK time!
Bob Crane Jr. at 12: Go balls deep, pop!