Ryan Dunn: That's a nice tattoo you got there. What does that mean?
Girl at Coffee Shop: It means desire.
Ryan Dunn: Desire huh? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with fuckin' long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sittin' at home jerkin off to fuckin' gay porn.
Don Vito: No, what are you doin'? Those grapes ain't for you.
Glauren: What I need right now is heavy metal music, hard drinkin, mayhem, shit you can't offer me right now, okay Ryan?
Ryan Dunn: Who are you? You don't even like fast music - you don't even drink.
Glauren: [indignant] Yeah. Before I met Hellboy. You know what your problem is? You always want shit to stay the same, okay? I need to get out there. I wanna play the field - of dicks.
Ryan Dunn: Eww.
[Glauren and Hellboy are having sex; Valo and Falcone are eavesdropping]
Glauren: Teenagers were meant to fuck.
Valo: Did she just say "teenagers were meant to fuck"?
Valo: Some girl stabbed Ryan in the eye, now he's gotta rock a pirate-patch for at least a month.
Falcone: So how's school going, Raab?
Raab: Ohh, wow, not so good. I lost my schedule at the beginning of the semester, and couldn't find my classes for like a month and a half. I end up getting three D's and an F, I mean, it's not that bad considering I passed.
[after showing Ryan the tape of Hellboy and Glauren having sex]
Ryan: I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new asshole.
Valo: No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new asshole.
Dooly: Bro, why weren't you at the rager last night?
Valo: What rager? Maybe 'cause you didn't call me up and invite me.
Dooly: Watch your mouth, sweetheart.
Valo: Yo, what was it like though, bein' in jail for the first time? Was it good?
Ryan: Just drop it.
Valo: Did you meet any new friends?
Ryan: Just drop it, alright?
Valo: Let me guess: some sort of experiment?
Falcone: Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about?
Valo: The TV. It's sideways.
Falcone: Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know?
Valo: Did you take acid?
Falcone: I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time
Falcone: that shit's fuckin' frozen. Then you're fucked. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it.
Valo: What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.
Valo: What the hell is wrong with all my friends? Fuck.
Falcone: I like chocolate, I like fudge, I'll make some now or I won't budge.
Don Vito: [to Ryan, through restaurant window] What're you *doin'* in there? I've been looking all over for you to... feed me some grapes!
Valo: You paint your face fluorescent yellow and you want a sip of my booze? Fuck off!
Fat Guy with Watermelon: You picked the wrong motherfucker to fuck with!
Valo: He definitely doesn't wear the pants in that relationship.
Falcone: Pants? He wears girl's underwears.
Valo: Yeah, well Your fucking brilliant plan just got me pissed on by Hellboy's sick dick. Thanks!
Valo: I don't care if it's a car, I don't care if it's a Goddamn Batmobile. I don't want to drive with him.
Ryan: [halfheartedly throws bottle]
Valo: That was the most pussified attempt I have ever seen.
Valo: What the fuck is wrong with your face? We're about to perform a highly illegal break-in and you're on your way to a football game with your frat buddies!
Valo: [Valo's voicemail message] Yeah, I figured it'd be you, that's why I didn't answer it.
Beth: I think those are the most innovative people I've ever seen.
Valo: Are you kidding me? I think that's the most asinine shit I've ever seen apart from that ghetto ass fuck machine!
Glauren: What do you mean no? You said you'd do anything for me the other night!
Ryan: I think I was drunk... and rather stupid. So no. And fuck off.
Glauren: Me fuck off?
Ryan: FUCK OFF!
Glauren: Fuck you!
Officer: I gotta take you in.
Valo: Aww, for the love of fucks sake, you CAN'T take him in.
Officer: I gotta make an arrest here; I had a complaint...
Valo: Whwhwhwh, wait, I got this sports watch, you can have it, here.
[while filming a home movie using a model train set and action figures]
Falcone: What are you guys doing, humping on the caboose?
[Talking about Hellboy's tattoo]
Glauren: Actually, he's got a rhino. Ya' know, I'm a Leo so I like rhinos...
[In a sarcastic voice]
Ryan Dunn: Yeah, rhino, real cool.
Valo: Don't touch me, or I'll seriously kill your face, it's so hardcore.
Falcone: Later on do you wanna go to to the bakery? I can almost taste it with my nose. Ever feel that way?
Ryan Dunn: [after Glauren apologizes] Get lost.
[she turns around and smacks Valo]
Ryan Dunn: You dumped me for someone named fucking HELLBOY? What the hell is the matter with you?
Glauren: I got a two o'clock.
Ryan Dunn: I am your two o'clock. You're a hairdresser, I got bad hair and I need you to cut it.
Glauren: You're an asshole.
Ryan Dunn: You look beautiful today.
Glauren: You look like shit.
Ryan Dunn: Gee thanks, why do you think I'm in here? I'm getting my hair cut. I know I look like shit.
Valo: Alright dude, seriously just relax okay? Look at that girl over there. She's reading a book alone. If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.
Ryan Dunn: What are you talking about, Valo? It's a coffee shop. People like that come here to get away from people like us.
Valo: She is looking for ass, I can see it.
Ryan Dunn: What does it matter? I look like shit.
Valo: Go talk to her.
Ryan Dunn: What do I say?
Valo: I don't know. Compliment her on that tattoo or something.
Ryan Dunn: Yeah, that'll work. It sounds so fucking lame.
Valo: Worked for Glauren.
Wallet Guy: There's gotta be a fucking five in here somewhere.
Valo: You've got a fucking rhinoceros on your chest! What the hell did you do?
Ryan: I just got a tattoo...
Valo: It looks ri-Goddamn-diculous!
Valo: When was the last time you beat off?
Valo: When was the last time you beat off?
Glauren: I get all the free games I want. What can you offer me?
Ryan: I don't know how I can compete with free games, but how about my UTTER DEVOTION to you?
Glauren: That's so overrated.
Valo: Seriously, knock that shit off. I'm going to punch your throat off your body. I'm walking over here. If you follow me, I'm gonna kill you.
Bartenders: You could be up to your spuds in bitch meat every day, but that's not love, that's just jacking loads of birds.
Falcone: Anyway, I'm making this invention and, uh, I need like freeon from old fridgerators so keep an eye out. It's this uh, reverse microwave I'm making. Oh man, it makes things cool real fast.
Raab: So... you're making some invention that could make stuff cold like, rally fast?
Falcone: That's what I just said...