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Haggard (2003) Poster

(2003)

Quotes

Ryan Dunn: That's a nice tattoo you got there. What does that mean?

Girl at Coffee Shop: It means desire.

Ryan Dunn: Desire huh? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with fuckin' long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sittin' at home jerkin off to fuckin' gay porn.

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Don Vito: No, what are you doin'? Those grapes ain't for you.

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Glauren: What I need right now is heavy metal music, hard drinkin, mayhem, shit you can't offer me right now, okay Ryan?

Ryan Dunn: Who are you? You don't even like fast music - you don't even drink.

Glauren: [indignant] Yeah. Before I met Hellboy. You know what your problem is? You always want shit to stay the same, okay? I need to get out there. I wanna play the field - of dicks.

[beat]

Ryan Dunn: Eww.

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[Glauren and Hellboy are having sex; Valo and Falcone are eavesdropping]

Glauren: Teenagers were meant to fuck.

Valo: Did she just say "teenagers were meant to fuck"?

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Valo: Some girl stabbed Ryan in the eye, now he's gotta rock a pirate-patch for at least a month.

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Falcone: So how's school going, Raab?

Raab: Ohh, wow, not so good. I lost my schedule at the beginning of the semester, and couldn't find my classes for like a month and a half. I end up getting three D's and an F, I mean, it's not that bad considering I passed.

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[after showing Ryan the tape of Hellboy and Glauren having sex]

Ryan: I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new asshole.

Valo: No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new asshole.

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Dooly: Bro, why weren't you at the rager last night?

Valo: What rager? Maybe 'cause you didn't call me up and invite me.

Dooly: Watch your mouth, sweetheart.

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Valo: Yo, what was it like though, bein' in jail for the first time? Was it good?

Ryan: Just drop it.

Valo: Did you meet any new friends?

Ryan: Just drop it, alright?

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Valo: Let me guess: some sort of experiment?

Falcone: Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about?

Valo: The TV. It's sideways.

Falcone: Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know?

Valo: Did you take acid?

Falcone: ...yea.

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Falcone: I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time

[snaps fingers]

Falcone: that shit's fuckin' frozen. Then you're fucked. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it.

Valo: What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.

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Valo: What the hell is wrong with all my friends? Fuck.

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Falcone: I like chocolate, I like fudge, I'll make some now or I won't budge.

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Don Vito: [to Ryan, through restaurant window] What're you *doin'* in there? I've been looking all over for you to... feed me some grapes!

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Valo: You paint your face fluorescent yellow and you want a sip of my booze? Fuck off!

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Fat Guy with Watermelon: You picked the wrong motherfucker to fuck with!

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Valo: He definitely doesn't wear the pants in that relationship.

Falcone: Pants? He wears girl's underwears.

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Falcone: Don Vito is a whore about his grapes.

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Valo: Why is Don Vito such a bitch about grapes?

Falcone: Yeah, Don Vito's a whore about grapes.

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Valo: Yeah, well Your fucking brilliant plan just got me pissed on by Hellboy's sick dick. Thanks!

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Valo: I don't care if it's a car, I don't care if it's a Goddamn Batmobile. I don't want to drive with him.

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Ryan: [halfheartedly throws bottle]

Valo: That was the most pussified attempt I have ever seen.

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Valo: What the fuck is wrong with your face? We're about to perform a highly illegal break-in and you're on your way to a football game with your frat buddies!

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Valo: [Valo's voicemail message] Yeah, I figured it'd be you, that's why I didn't answer it.

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Beth: I think those are the most innovative people I've ever seen.

Valo: Are you kidding me? I think that's the most asinine shit I've ever seen apart from that ghetto ass fuck machine!

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Glauren: What do you mean no? You said you'd do anything for me the other night!

Ryan: I think I was drunk... and rather stupid. So no. And fuck off.

Glauren: Me fuck off?

Ryan: FUCK OFF!

Glauren: Fuck you!

[slaps Valo]

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Raab: See you Valo.

Valo: God-damn, I don't know him.

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Valo: I popped the trunk for you!

Falcone: Yeah, I popped a boner for you, fuck you.

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Officer: I gotta take you in.

Valo: Aww, for the love of fucks sake, you CAN'T take him in.

Officer: I gotta make an arrest here; I had a complaint...

Valo: Whwhwhwh, wait, I got this sports watch, you can have it, here.

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Falcone: These... are girlfriend's... underwears.

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Officer: Hellboy?

Ryan Dunn: Picture a guy named Hellboy... and that's what he looks like.

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Hellyboy: What the fuck is that? Do I have a camera?

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Glauren: Hellboy fucking fingered me.

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[while filming a home movie using a model train set and action figures]

Falcone: What are you guys doing, humping on the caboose?

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[Talking about Hellboy's tattoo]

Glauren: Actually, he's got a rhino. Ya' know, I'm a Leo so I like rhinos...

[In a sarcastic voice]

Ryan Dunn: Yeah, rhino, real cool.

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Valo: Don't touch me, or I'll seriously kill your face, it's so hardcore.

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Valo: Tell him how Hellboy's in for it.

Falcone: You know Hellboy? He's in for it.

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Falcone: Later on do you wanna go to to the bakery? I can almost taste it with my nose. Ever feel that way?

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Ryan Dunn: [after Glauren apologizes] Get lost.

[she turns around and smacks Valo]

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Ryan Dunn: You dumped me for someone named fucking HELLBOY? What the hell is the matter with you?

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Ryan Dunn: Dude! She got fingered!

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Glauren: I got a two o'clock.

Ryan Dunn: I am your two o'clock. You're a hairdresser, I got bad hair and I need you to cut it.

Glauren: You're an asshole.

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Ryan Dunn: You look beautiful today.

Glauren: You look like shit.

Ryan Dunn: Gee thanks, why do you think I'm in here? I'm getting my hair cut. I know I look like shit.

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Valo: Alright dude, seriously just relax okay? Look at that girl over there. She's reading a book alone. If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.

Ryan Dunn: What are you talking about, Valo? It's a coffee shop. People like that come here to get away from people like us.

Valo: She is looking for ass, I can see it.

Ryan Dunn: What does it matter? I look like shit.

Valo: Go talk to her.

Ryan Dunn: What do I say?

Valo: I don't know. Compliment her on that tattoo or something.

Ryan Dunn: Yeah, that'll work. It sounds so fucking lame.

Valo: Worked for Glauren.

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Wallet Guy: There's gotta be a fucking five in here somewhere.

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Valo: You've got a fucking rhinoceros on your chest! What the hell did you do?

Ryan: I just got a tattoo...

Valo: It looks ri-Goddamn-diculous!

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Valo: When was the last time you beat off?

Ryan: ...What?

Valo: When was the last time you beat off?

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Glauren: I get all the free games I want. What can you offer me?

Ryan: I don't know how I can compete with free games, but how about my UTTER DEVOTION to you?

Glauren: That's so overrated.

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Valo: Seriously, knock that shit off. I'm going to punch your throat off your body. I'm walking over here. If you follow me, I'm gonna kill you.

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Bartenders: You could be up to your spuds in bitch meat every day, but that's not love, that's just jacking loads of birds.

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Bartenders: What the hell?

Valo: Oh, it's just Naked Dave.

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Falcone: Anyway, I'm making this invention and, uh, I need like freeon from old fridgerators so keep an eye out. It's this uh, reverse microwave I'm making. Oh man, it makes things cool real fast.

Raab: So... you're making some invention that could make stuff cold like, rally fast?

Falcone: That's what I just said...

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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