- George W. Bush: I'm wonder woman. I'll deflect bullets with my arm bands. Shoot me general.
- General: Don't tempt me Mr. President.
- [it is a last supper scene with members of the Labour Party]
- Prime Minister Tony Blair: And I say after you, my loyal people, I have lead my life, you know a man peace.
- John Prescott: apart for all those wars.
- Prime Minister Tony Blair: Yeah, well obviousry. Although I am persecuted, I am confident history will show me as the saviour of mankind.
- David Blunkett: By the time Alistair Campbell's finished re-writing it.
- Prime Minister Tony Blair: Yeah alright, what I did was at the bidding of a higher authoray.
- [Cut to heaven, where we see George W. Bush as God]
- President George W Bush: Hey look at me. I'm Santa Claus. HOO-HOO-HOO
- Prime Minister Tony Blair: But on this night, one of you will betray me for thirty peaces of silver.
- Gordon Brown: That's rubbish Tony. I got forty. Anyway shall we eat?
- Prime Minister Tony Blair: I have orderd five loaves of fishes, enough to feed the five thousand...
- [We hear a belch, and see John Prescott with a fish bone sticking out of his mouth]
- John Prescott: Well it was a nice starter.
- [clutches stomach]
- John Prescott: Feels like a second coming. Gang way!
- Sven: [about Wayne Rooney] He is young. He is learning.
- General: Schwarzenegger.
- George W. Bush: Shoreenagore.
- General: No, Schwarzenegger.
- George W. Bush: Mr. Shcwanangor.
- General: (sighs)
- [Arnold Schwarzenegger enters]
- General: Mr President, Governer Schwarzenegger.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, check it out
- [pats Bush's head]
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'm patting Bush.
- George W. Bush: Mr Schwalanalananger.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, now I'm stroking Bush.
- [both snigger]
- General: May God have mercy on us all.
- [it is far into the future]
- Tony Blair: Uh, so guys, any signs of the weapons of mass destruction yet?
- [awkward pause]
- [repeated line]
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Just a little bit of harmless fun.
- George W. Bush: My daddy started the gulf war. I continued it. And now, my son, George Junior Junior will finish it. In about forty years time.
- President George W Bush: General, call off the hunt for Bin Laden.
- General: I thought we already had.
- President George W Bush: I'm going to find him myself
- [ducks under his desk and reveales his Incredible outfit]
- President George W Bush: with my incredible super hero powers, look i'm invisable where have I gone HEE! HEE!
- General: Sir, I think you need help.
- President George W Bush: You're right, meet Mr. Incredible
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Uhh... This costume is so incredibly tight! You can see my rinckle.
- President George W Bush: No we can't!
- Prime Minister Tony Blair: Ahh ha... And I'm you know Elastar Blair, I'll bend over backwards for you George
- [bends backwards and breaks his back]
- Prime Minister Tony Blair: Ahh... me back!
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: No I think it's... I'll be back!
- President George W Bush: So 1
- [points to himself]
- President George W Bush: , 2
- [points to Arnie]
- President George W Bush: and 3
- [points to Blair]
- President George W Bush: , we just need a fourth.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yeah the speedy one!
- Osama Bin Laden: [Digs into the White house] BWAHA!
- [pauses]
- Osama Bin Laden: Hang on, this isn't Hawaii
- [realises he's in the White house and screams and then runs]
- President George W Bush: Hey he's fast lets use him!
- [in the future, Arnie is president]
- General: How do you take your coffee sir?
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: Milk and two steroids.
- [Tony Blair is playing "Tony Says" with the Cabinet]
- Tony Blair: Oh, I'm bored of this game. I'm resigning, take over Gordon!
- Gordon Brown: Oh, right, absolutely!
- [to Cabinet]
- Gordon Brown: Look here...
- Tony Blair: I didn't say "Tony says" Gordon.
- Gordon Brown: Oh...
- [cries]
- Simon Cowell: You want the truth, you have all the charisma of a three eye worm.
- Three eyed worm: Thankyou.
- Simon Cowell: Next!
- [R2-D2 Comes on stage]
- Simon Cowell: Hold it that tune is going apsolutly no where
- R2-D2: [subtitles] But I haven't started yet!
- Simon Cowell: Next!
- Dalek: [singing] Away up the stairs there's a place I can reach.
- Nicki Chapman: I found it nice and you looked nice and everything was just nice.
- Dalek: Thankyou Nicki!
- Doctor Who: I hated it, but then I am your swan enemy
- Simon Cowell: I have just 4 words to say to you. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
- Alien: [Dalek starts crying] Oh come on mate, I thought you were great I thought they were very harsh like.
- Alien: HA! HA! What a stupid great forehead you have!
- Pete Waterman: My money's on the young lad from the planet earth.
- Will Young: [singing] You never walk Alone!
- Gollum: [Gollum wakes up after celebrating Lord of the rings had won the oscars] Oh Sméagol head is hurting. Bad Sméagol drank to much at oscar's party. NO! What Sméagol get up to last night
- [screams as he discovers Michael Jackson is in his bed]
- Michael Jackson: OW! You're bad!
- Gollum: Hidease creature in Sméagol beds. No Sméagol never drink vodka cherry again. NO!
- Announcer: Michael Jackson's parenting tips #43.
- Michael Jackson: It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.
- Michael Jackson: [cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something] Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.
- Prince Michael the Second: Whoo, help
- Michael Jackson: I don't see any moonwalking
- [Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson]
- Michael Jackson: That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it! OW!
- Anthony McPartlin: Oh look out, here comes Jordan!
- Declan Donnelly: Hey, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.
- Katie Jordan: Oye! That's not fair
- Anthony McPartlin: [In the year 2050 A.D] Oh look out... Here comes Jordan!
- Declan Donnelly: I, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.
- Katie Jordan: Yeah... That is fair actually.
- Announcer: The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.
- Anthony McPartlin: ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.
- Anthony McPartlin: Bongo-roony!
- Anthony McPartlin: Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?
- Declan Donnelly: [Dec slaps Ant on the head] Slapa-rooney!
- Anthony McPartlin: And former news caster evicted by phone vote.
- Trevor McDonald: [Trevor McDonald is in an alleyway] News just in, I'm hungary and homeless!
- Declan Donnelly: Tramper-rooney!
- Anthony McPartlin: And now the weather.
- Declan Donnelly: And now the weather.
- Siân Lloyd: Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales, goodnight.
- Tony Blair: [sounding like John Major] More Sleaze, people will start thinking we're the same as the last Goverment!
- David Blunkett: [sounding like Michael Portillo] That is a ridiculous, outrageous, apprehensive suggestion!
- John Prescott: [sounding like Ken Clarke] That's absolutely ludicrous!
- David Blunkett's Guide Dog: [souding like Humphrey The Cat] Meeoww!
- Jack Straw: [sounding like Douglas Hurd] Were completely Different!
- Tony Blair: [sounding like John Major] We need to get back to basic, I want to set up a Sleaze hotline!
- Gordon Brown: [sounding like Edwina Currie] Oh No! What we need is a change of leadership!
- David Blunkett's Guide Dog: Hisss
- [Everybody looks shocked]