2DTV (2001– )
George W. Bush: I'm wonder woman. I'll deflect bullets with my arm bands. Shoot me general.
General: Don't tempt me Mr. President.
[it is a last supper scene with members of the Labour Party]
Prime Minister Tony Blair: And I say after you, my loyal people, I have lead my life, you know a man peace.
John Prescott: apart for all those wars.
Prime Minister Tony Blair: Yeah, well obviousry. Although I am persecuted, I am confident history will show me as the saviour of mankind.
David Blunkett: By the time Alistair Campbell's finished re-writing it.
Prime Minister Tony Blair: Yeah alright, what I did was at the bidding of a higher authoray.
[Cut to heaven, where we see George W. Bush as God]
President George W Bush: Hey look at me. I'm Santa Claus. HOO-HOO-HOO
Prime Minister Tony Blair: But on this night, one of you will betray me for thirty peaces of silver.
Gordon Brown: That's rubbish Tony. I got forty. Anyway shall we eat?
Prime Minister Tony Blair: I have orderd five loaves of fishes, enough to feed the five thousand...
[We hear a belch, and see John Prescott with a fish bone sticking out of his mouth]
John Prescott: Well it was a nice starter.
John Prescott: Feels like a second coming. Gang way!
Sven: [about Wayne Rooney] He is young. He is learning.
George W. Bush: Shoreenagore.
General: No, Schwarzenegger.
George W. Bush: Mr. Shcwanangor.
[Arnold Schwarzenegger enters]
General: Mr President, Governer Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, check it out
[pats Bush's head]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'm patting Bush.
George W. Bush: Mr Schwalanalananger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Hey, now I'm stroking Bush.
General: May God have mercy on us all.
[it is far into the future]
Tony Blair: Uh, so guys, any signs of the weapons of mass destruction yet?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Just a little bit of harmless fun.
George W. Bush: My daddy started the gulf war. I continued it. And now, my son, George Junior Junior will finish it. In about forty years time.
President George W Bush: General, call off the hunt for Bin Laden.
General: I thought we already had.
President George W Bush: I'm going to find him myself
[ducks under his desk and reveales his Incredible outfit]
President George W Bush: with my incredible super hero powers, look i'm invisable where have I gone HEE! HEE!
General: Sir, I think you need help.
President George W Bush: You're right, meet Mr. Incredible
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Uhh... This costume is so incredibly tight! You can see my rinckle.
President George W Bush: No we can't!
Prime Minister Tony Blair: Ahh ha... And I'm you know Elastar Blair, I'll bend over backwards for you George
[bends backwards and breaks his back]
Prime Minister Tony Blair: Ahh... me back!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: No I think it's... I'll be back!
President George W Bush: So 1
[points to himself]
[points to Arnie]
President George W Bush: and 3
[points to Blair]
President George W Bush: , we just need a fourth.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yeah the speedy one!
Osama Bin Laden: [Digs into the White house] BWAHA!
Osama Bin Laden: Hang on, this isn't Hawaii
[realises he's in the White house and screams and then runs]
President George W Bush: Hey he's fast lets use him!
[in the future, Arnie is president]
General: How do you take your coffee sir?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Milk and two steroids.
[Tony Blair is playing "Tony Says" with the Cabinet]
Tony Blair: Oh, I'm bored of this game. I'm resigning, take over Gordon!
Gordon Brown: Oh, right, absolutely!
Gordon Brown: Look here...
Tony Blair: I didn't say "Tony says" Gordon.
Gordon Brown: Oh...
Simon Cowell: You want the truth, you have all the charisma of a three eye worm.
Three eyed worm: Thankyou.
Simon Cowell: Next!
[R2-D2 Comes on stage]
Simon Cowell: Hold it that tune is going apsolutly no where
R2-D2: [subtitles] But I haven't started yet!
Simon Cowell: Next!
Dalek: [singing] Away up the stairs there's a place I can reach.
Nicki Chapman: I found it nice and you looked nice and everything was just nice.
Dalek: Thankyou Nicki!
Doctor Who: I hated it, but then I am your swan enemy
Simon Cowell: I have just 4 words to say to you. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Alien: [Dalek starts crying] Oh come on mate, I thought you were great I thought they were very harsh like.
Alien: HA! HA! What a stupid great forehead you have!
Pete Waterman: My money's on the young lad from the planet earth.
Will Young: [singing] You never walk Alone!
Gollum: [Gollum wakes up after celebrating Lord of the rings had won the oscars] Oh Sméagol head is hurting. Bad Sméagol drank to much at oscar's party. NO! What Sméagol get up to last night
[screams as he discovers Michael Jackson is in his bed]
Michael Jackson: OW! You're bad!
Gollum: Hidease creature in Sméagol beds. No Sméagol never drink vodka cherry again. NO!
Announcer: Michael Jackson's parenting tips #43.
Michael Jackson: It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.
Michael Jackson: [cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something] Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.
Prince Michael the Second: Whoo, help
Michael Jackson: I don't see any moonwalking
[Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson]
Michael Jackson: That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it! OW!
Anthony McPartlin: Oh look out, here comes Jordan!
Declan Donnelly: Hey, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.
Katie Jordan: Oye! That's not fair
Anthony McPartlin: [In the year 2050 A.D] Oh look out... Here comes Jordan!
Declan Donnelly: I, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.
Katie Jordan: Yeah... That is fair actually.
Announcer: The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.
Anthony McPartlin: ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.
Anthony McPartlin: Bongo-roony!
Anthony McPartlin: Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?
Declan Donnelly: [Dec slaps Ant on the head] Slapa-rooney!
Anthony McPartlin: And former news caster evicted by phone vote.
Trevor McDonald: [Trevor McDonald is in an alleyway] News just in, I'm hungary and homeless!
Declan Donnelly: Tramper-rooney!
Anthony McPartlin: And now the weather.
Declan Donnelly: And now the weather.
Siân Lloyd: Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales, goodnight.