Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!
Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?
Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?
Shrek: The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? That's where we're going! FAR! FAR!... away.
Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays.
[to Donkey, when Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are at a bar]
The Ugly Stepsister: Why the long face?
Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
Donkey: [singing] The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom...
Shrek: Bet my bottom?
Donkey: I'm coming Elizabeth!
[Donkey collapses in a dead faint]
Puss-in-Boots: Hey, boss. Let's shave him.
[after drinking a beauty potion]
Donkey: I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?
Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me!
Shrek: Quick tell a lie!
Pinocchio: What should I say?
Donkey: Say something crazy... like you're wearing ladies underwear.
Pinocchio: Um, ok. I'm wearing ladies underwear.
Shrek: Are you?
Pinocchio: I most certainly am not.
Pinocchio: [nose extends] .
Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are.
Pinocchio: I am not.
Pinocchio: [nose extends]
Puss-in-Boots: What Kind?
Gingerbread Man: IT'S A THONG!
Pinocchio: I'm a real boy!
Princess Fiona: You know, you are acting like a... a...
Shrek: Go on, say it.
Princess Fiona: Like an ogre!
Shrek: Well, whether your parents like it or not, I am an ogre!
[growls at the dog to shut it up]
Shrek: And guess what, princess? That's not about to change.
Princess Fiona: I've made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.
Donkey: Real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an ogre! Arrr!"
Gingerbread Man: It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
[Puss is watching Shrek and Fiona]
Puss-in-Boots: Whatever happens... I must not cry. You cannot make me cry...
[breaks down sobbing]
Donkey: [to Puss-in-Boots] I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been filled.
Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say, "You have the right to remain silent." Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!
Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.
Puss-in-Boots: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Gingerbread Man: Shrek? Donkey?
Puss-in-Boots: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.
King: So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...
Shrek: Ogres! Yes!
Queen: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?
King: Oh, no, no. Of course not! That's assuming you don't eat your own young.
Princess Fiona: Dad!
Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in a tower.
Princess Fiona: Shrek, please!
King: I only did that because I love her!
Shrek: Oh, yeah! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!
[convincing Donkey to let Puss come with them]
Shrek: How many cats can wear boots? Honestly?...
Fairy Godmother: I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate...
Queen: So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.
Princess Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Right, honey?
Shrek: Yes. It's in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...
Donkey: I know you ain't talking about the swamp.
King: An ogre from a swamp. How original.
Queen: I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.
[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]
Shrek: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
King: Indeed! I had just started eating.
Puss-in-Boots: Pray for mercy from Puss... in boots.
Donkey: [as he stands on an elevating stage with a mic] Puss and Donkey y'all.
Puss-in-Boots: Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta?
Donkey: [as he stands on an elevated stage with a mike] Puss and Donkey, y'all.
Gingerbread Man: Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We got a big order to fill.
[cough - hack - cough]
Puss-in-Boots: He he... Hairball.
Donkey: Oh, that is nasty!
Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.
Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I ain't never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "Piñata! Piñata!" What the hell is a piñata, anyway?
Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?
The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.
Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.
Mongo: [drowning] Be good.
King: Who on earth are they?
Queen: I think that's our little girl!
King: That's not little - that's a really big problem!
Queen: Well, he's no Prince Charming, but they do look...
Shrek: Happy now? We came, we saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches!
Princess Fiona: Hey, they're my parents!
Shrek: Hello, they locked you in a tower!
Princess Fiona: Hey, that was for my own...
King: Good! Now here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.
Queen: Harold! We have to be...
Shrek: Quick, while they're not looking, we'll make a run for it!
Princess Fiona: Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be...
King: A disaster! There's no way...
Princess Fiona: You can do this.
Shrek: But I really...
Princess Fiona: Want...
Prince Charming: I'll have the Medieval Meal.
King: Who on earth are they?
Shrek: [about the trumpeters and messenger who gave Shrek and Fiona the invitation] How do you explain Sgt. Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Cedric: Can I help you, your majesty?
King: Ah, yes, um... Mmm, exquisite. What do you call this dish?
Cedric: That would be the dog's breakfast, your majesty.
King: Ah, yes! Very good, uh... Carry on, Cedric.
Gingerbread Man: IT'S ALIVE!
Shrek: Aww, look at him, in his wee lil' boots! I mean, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly?
[after discovering Shrek must kiss his true love for his transformation to be permanent]
Maiden #2: Oh, pick me. I'll be your true love!
Maiden #1: I'll be your true love.
Maiden #3: I'll be true... enough.
[Shrek has grabbed Puss-in-boots]
Donkey: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
Shrek: Oh, look! A little cat.
[Puss-in-boots brandishes his sword]
Donkey: Look out, Shrek, he got a piece!
[Shrek is depressed because Fiona's father wants to kill him]
Donkey: Oh, don't feel bad, Shrek. Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.
[Shrek steals two noblemen's clothes]
Shrek: Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
[hanging from Fairy Godmother's feet and looking up]
Pig: I see London, I see France...
Puss-in-Boots: Fear me, if you dare.
Donkey: [to Puss] If we ever need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.
[to handsome Shrek]
Maiden #2: You're so tense.
Maiden #1: I want to rub his shoulders.
Maiden #2: I got it covered. Thanks.
Maiden #3: I don't have anything to rub.
Maiden #1: Well, get in line.
Puss-in-Boots: [gets a look from Shrek and Donkey after agreeing Shrek should be a Prince Charming] Sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks]
Donkey: Oh, no! That's the old Keebler's place! Let's just walk away slowly.
Puss-in-Boots: That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage. She is the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.
Shrek: So why don't we drop in for a spell? Ha, ha! Spell!
Queen: Oh, stop being such a drama king!
[upon arriving at Far Far Away]
Shrek: We are definitly not in the swamp anymore.
Shrek: [to Donkey] For five minutes, can you not be yourself?
Chef: Bon appétit!
Donkey: Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.
Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: Yes, he's down on Drury Lane. Why?
Shrek: Because we're going to need flour. Lots and lots of flour.
[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mum and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]
Princess Fiona: Shrek!
Princess Fiona: Mum!
Donkey: [happily] Donkey!
[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]
Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad...
Pinocchio: Is he... oh...
[there's a "ribbit"]
Gingerbread Man: He croaked...
[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]
Princess Fiona: ...Dad?
King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...
Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!
King: No, no, he's right - I'm sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frog's apologies, and my blessing?
[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]
King: I'm sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...
Queen: [taking him in her hand] You're more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...
Princess Fiona: I want what any princess wants - to live happily ever after... with the *ogre* I married.
[King Harold turns up with two cups of tea - the one for Fiona filed with love potion... ]
King: Darling? Ah, I thought I might find you here - how about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball...
Princess Fiona: I'm not going.
King: B-b-but the whole kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage!
Princess Fiona: There's just one problem - that's not my husband. I mean, look at him!
[they both watch Charming, showing off in front of everyone]
King: Yes, he is a bit different, but people do change for the ones they love - you'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother...
Princess Fiona: *Change*? He's completely lost his mind!
King: Darling, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance - I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek...
Princess Fiona: But it's the *old* one I fell in love with, Dad - I'd give anything to have him back...
[she reaches for her tea... ]
King: [taking her cup] Darling, that's mine! Decaf... otherwise I'm up all night!
[Fiona drinks the normal cup of tea]
Puss-in-Boots: [to Shrek] I too was concocting this very same plan, already our minds are becoming one!
Donkey: [repeatedly] Are we there yet?
Fairy Godmother: I told you ogres don't live happily ever after!
Shrek: Go on, say it.
Receptionist: Look, she's not seeing any clients today. Okay?
Shrek: That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
Receptionist: The union?
Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
Receptionist: Oh, of course.
Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Receptionist: A little. We don't even have dental.
Shrek: They don't even have dental. Okay, we're gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be better if the Fairy Godmother doesn't know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?
Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?
Shrek: Stop it.
King: [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad, bad donkey!
Princess Fiona: It's okay, dad. He's with us. He helped rescue me from the tower.
Donkey: Yup, that's me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
King: I'm sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve.
Queen: You are more that man now than you ever were, warts and all.
Fairy Godmother: Don't you point those dirty, green sausages at me!
Shrek: That's it, Mongo. Head for the castle.
[Mongo heads to the giant cup on top of Farbucks Coffee]
Shrek: No, no, no, no! You great stupid pastry!
Fairy Godmother: Harold, you have forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
King: What... Where are we?
Fast Food Clerk: Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined. I hope you're happy!
Shrek: Hi. I'm here to see...
Receptionist: The Fairy Godmother? I'm sorry, she's not here right now.
Fairy Godmother: [on intercom] Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo! Now!
Donkey: Shrek and I drank this potion and now... we're sexy!
Shrek: TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, mac?
Donkey: [running ahead of giant gingerbread man] Run, run as fast as you can!
Puss-in-Boots: [trying to convince Shrek not to neuter him] Please, no, por favor, por favor, please no, I implore you. I was doing it for my family! My mother she's sick and my father he lives off the garbage. The king offered me much money and I have a little brother...
Donkey: I'm a stallion, baby!
Donkey: [carriage runs over Donkey] Oh, God! help me, please! My racing days are over! I'm blind! I'm blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever be able to play the violin again?
Donkey: [final line during the extra part in the credits] I'm going to have to get a job.
Fairy Godmother: Your fallen tears have called to me / So here comes my sweet remedy / I know what every princess needs / For her to live life happily / With... just a wave of my magic wand / Your troubles will soon be gone / With a flick of the wrist in just a flash / You land a prince with a ton of cash / A high priced dress made by mice no less / Some crystal glass pumps and almost dressed / Worries will vanish your soul will cleanse / Confide in your very own furniture friends / We'll help you set a new fashion trend / I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great / The kind of gal a prince would date / They'll write your name on the bathroom wall...
Bookcase: For happy ever after, give Fiona a call!
Fairy Godmother: A sporty carriage to ride in style / A sexy man-boy chauffer Kyle / Vanish your blemishes, tooth decay / Celulite thighs will fade away / And oh, what the hey? / Have a Bichon Frise / Nip and tuck here and there / To land that prince with the perfect hair / Lipstick liners, shadow blush / To get that prince with a sexy tush / Lucky day, hunk buffet / For the lipstick a roll in the hay / You can spoon on the moon / With the prince to this tune / Don't be drab, you'll be fab / Your prince will have rock-hard abs / Cheese souflee Valentine's Day? / Have some chicken fricassee...
Donkey: I don't wanna die...! I don't wanna DIE! Oh sweet sister mother of mercy... I'm melting...! I'm MEEELTIIING!
Shrek: It's just the rain, Donkey.
Puss-in-Boots: Today, I repay my debt...
[soldiers surround Puss as he slowly draws his weapon]
Puss-in-Boots: En garde!
Shrek: I'll kill that cat!
Fairy Godmother: Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away...
Donkey: It's gonna be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on.
Donkey: You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.
Gingerbread Man: I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture.
Pinocchio: I'm not flipping anywhere, Sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.
Princess Fiona: They just want to give us their blessing.
Shrek: Oh, great! Now I need their blessing?
Princess Fiona: Well, if you want to be part of this family, yes.
Shrek: Who said I want to be part of this family?
Princess Fiona: Uh... you did? When you married me?
Shrek: Well, there's some fine print for ya.
Shrek: A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm-I'm...
Maiden #1: Gorgeous!
Maiden #2: I'll say.
Mirror: Well, the abs are fab and it's gluteus to the maximus here at the Far Far Away royal ball. The carriages are all lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffet's curds and whey.
[the king enters Puss' room; it is dark, and only Puss' eyes and boots are visible]
Puss-in-Boots: Who dares enter my room?
King: Sorry - I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre problem.
Puss-in-Boots: You are told correct, but for this I charge a great deal of money.
King: Will this do?
[the king throws a bag full of money on the table; Puss opens it with his sword]
Puss-in-Boots: You have procured my valuable services, Your Majesty. Tell me, where can I find this ogre?
Shrek: Get ready, princess. Here comes the new me.
[his pants fall down]
Donkey: First things first. We gotta get you out of those clothes.
[the maidens gasp with delight]
Shrek: Fiona! Fiona!
Fairy Godmother: Fiona! Fiona! Ho, ho, ho... I don't think they can hear us, pigeon.
Fairy Godmother: He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower - and what does he find? Some gender-confused WOLF telling him that HIS princess is already married!
King: Well, it wasn't my fault - he didn't get there in time!
Prince Charming: [waving his sword] Tell me where he is, Mother! I will wrench his head from his shoulders - I will smite him where he stands - HE WILL RUE THE VERY DAY HE STOLE MY KINGDOM AWAY FROM ME!
[a bird sheds its droppings on him]
Fairy Godmother: Oh, Put it away, Junior, you're still going to be King - we just need to work out something smarter, that's all...
Mongo: Livin' La Vida Loca...
Shrek: Puss, do you think you could get up there?
Puss-in-Boots: No prolema, boss - in one of my nine cat lives I was the great cat burglar Santiago de Compostela!
Donkey: [after just being snuck up on and scratched by Puss In Boots] Owww! You little hairy litter-licking sack of...
[tear lands onto card]
Fairy Godmother: ["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing] Is it on?, Is it on?
Fairy Godmother: This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After!
[Dragon flies up with her and Donky's children]
Donkey: Oh come to daddy, my little freakish mutant babies.
[screen goes black]
Donkey: I gotta get a job!
Fairy Godmother: Harold! you were supposed to give her the potion!
King: Well, I guess gave her the wrong tea.
Donkey: [singing] Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Rawhide! Line 'em up, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em out, Pound dead, Make 'em tea, Buy 'em drinks, Meet their mommas, Milk 'em HARD, RAW, HIDE!
Fairy Godmother: We have to go. I have to do Charming's hair. You know, he's all high in the front and he can't reach the back. He always needs someone to take care of the back.
Prince Charming: Oh, thank you, mother.
Donkey: [outside window] Mother?
Shrek: Uh... Mary! A talking horse!
Fairy Godmother: The ogre!
The Ugly Stepsister: [approaching Prince Charming] Hello, Gorgeous.
Shrek: Face it, Donkey. We're lost.
Donkey: We can't be lost. We followed the king's instructions to the letter. What did he say? Go to the deepest, darkest part of the forest.
Donkey: Go past the sinister-looking trees with the scary-looking branches.
Donkey: And there's that bush that looks like Shirley Bassey.
Shrek: Donkey, we passed that bush three times already.
Donkey: Well, I wasn't the one who refused to stop for directions.
[trying to get Puss, Donkey accidentally kicks Shrek in the groin]
Donkey: Did I miss?
Shrek: No. You got them.
Fairy Godmother: What in Grimm's name are you doing here?
Shrek: It seems that Fiona is not at all happy.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, and is there any question as to why that is? Let's explore that, shall we?
[looks over her bookshelf]
Fairy Godmother: Let's see... P-p-p-p-p, Princess. Cinderella... Handsome prince, lived happily ever after... oh, no ogres! Sleeping Beauty... handsome prince, no ogres. Thumbelina, no! Handsel and Gretel, no! The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... no, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.
Shrek: Donkey, you're a...
Donkey: A stallion, baby! I can whinny.
Donkey: I can count.
[stomps his hoof]
Donkey: Look at me, Shrek! I'm trotting!
Donkey: You know, in some cultures, donkeys are revered as the smartest of animals, especially us talking ones.
Prince Charming: Uh... FYI. Not my fault!
Donkey: [from their hiding place] Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face!
Queen: Well... let's not sit here with our... tummies rumbling. Let's dig in!