Yelena: I've been undercover here for two years.
Xander Cage: Two years? What was your plan? To let them die of old age?
[Xander Cage drives a stolen Corvette, which belongs to senator Dick Hotchkiss, and is chased by the police]
Police Officer: You, in the red Corvette! Pull over immediately.
Xander Cage: Yeah, yeah. These monkeys are following me because I just took this car. Obviously the car doesn't belong to me, it's not my style. It belongs to Dick. Dick Hotchkiss, a California state senator. You remember Dick? He's the guy who tried to ban rap music because he feels that the lyrics promote violence. It's music, Dick! He's also the guy who wants to pull every video game off every shop in the country, because he feels that the video games diminishing intelligence of our youth. Oh, come on, Dick. It's only education we got. Dick, you're a bad man. You know what we do to bad men. We punish them. Dick, you've just entered The Xander Zone.
[on the walkie talkie]
Xander Cage: Okay, I'm coming in hot with a side of bacon.
Hillside Video Shooter: Go. Go, go, go, go!
[Xander jumps with the Corvette off the bridge]
Van Video Shooter: Pull it! Pull it!
[Xander jumps out of the Corvette with a parachute]
Van Video Shooter: Yes!
[the Corvette falls on the surface and explodes while the three guys in a Cadillac arrive to pick up Xander and the equipment]
Caddy Driver: Go get the cameras. Go, go, go.
Xander Cage: Moral of the story is, don't be a dick, Dick.
Yorgi: There is an old punk song, it says America stands for freedom...
Xander Cage: But if you think you're free try walking into a deli...
Gibbons: You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wild cat. She remembers running across the plain, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury, locked in a box. But after a while, their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died. The same thing happens to a man. Leavenworth Federal Penetentiary is no joke. They'll take a wild man like you and throw him in solitary just for the fun of it. No more mountains to board, no more oceans to surf. Just a 6-by-8 cell with no window and only a bucket to shit in. You can avoid all of that by doing me this small favor.
Xander Cage: You don't have shit on me.
Gibbons: I noticed you have three X's tattooed on the back of your neck. I think that's rather appropriate, since you're looking at three strikes. Grand theft auto, reckless endangerment, and that little bridge stunt of yours makes you a three-time loser. Maybe you ought to call yourself "Triple X." But if you do what I want, I'll make all your little recent criminal transgressions go away and let you get back to that pathetic excuse of a life.
Xander Cage: You have a bazooka! Dude, stop thinking Prague Police and start thinking Playstation. Blow shit up!
Ivan Podrov: Is not bazooka. It's heat-seeker, right?
Xander Cage: Heat-seeker...
Xander Cage: [picks up heat-seeker rocket] Set it!
[Ivan activates heat-seeker]
Xander Cage: The son of a bitch is smoking.
[fires rocket, kills Kirill]
Xander Cage: I told him that cigarette was gonna kill him one day.
Xander Cage: [after the party is raided, presumably by NSA] Okay, Okay, I'll turn down the music.
Xander Cage: I bet that flag is a real comfort every time you look in the mirror.
Gibbons: A small price I paid for putting foot to ass for my country.
Gibbons: I gave you an order!
Xander Cage: And I followed that order. You said, 'Go home, Triple X.' That means stay, doesn't it?
[after snowboarding down an avalanche]
Xander Cage: Nothing like fresh powder.
Toby Lee Shavers: Ah. Knocked over a few 7-Elevens, have we?
Xander Cage: No, I had my leg in a cast for about three months. All I did was play first-person shooter video games.
Toby Lee Shavers: That's a really sad story.
Milan Sova: First you set me up in the bar. Then you shoot me in the back.
Xander Cage: My boss does it to me. I did it to you. It's a vicious circle.
[after kissing Xander Cage]
Yelena: Did you enjoy that?
Xander Cage: Yes.
Yelena: Good, because it will never happen again.
Xander Cage: I've been risking my life for a lot of stupid reasons. This is the first one that makes sense to me.
Gibbons: Why is it always the assholes who pass the test?
Yelena: Xander? Remember what I told you before, when you kissed me?
Xander Cage: Never again?
Yelena: I lied.
Yelena: I'm an agent too. I've been undercover for two years.
Xander Cage: Two years? What was your plan? Have them die of old age?
Yelena: Do you know what a wire transfer is?
Xander Cage: Is she for real. Sweetheart is there anything else you need to do, let us big boys have a conversation.
Yelena: Conversation. A word with four syllables. Do you want some ice before your brain overheats.
Xander Cage: Ice. Yeah, you could chisel some off your heart, if you could find it.
Xander Cage: Koyla, Yorgi's younger brother, happens to be an action sports fanatic. So naturally, he's a fan. But, when you kill a bottle of Vodka in three swigs, and you're gonna talk too much.
[Yorgi is getting away on a motorboat. Xander shoots at him, but misses]
Yorgi: Learn how to shoot, you piece of shit!
[Xander shoots at Yorgi, this time hitting and killing him]
Xander Cage: [referring to marines in full camo] Here comes the ROTC!
Toby Lee Shavers: [showing Xander the binoculars] Eagle Eyes. Nine enhanced-vision modes. Every little boy's dream: the penetrator mode. Check it out.
[points at a woman]
Xander Cage: [looks through the binoculars, sees under the woman's clothes] Oh, my God.
Toby Lee Shavers: She's checking you out.
Xander Cage: I gotta hang onto these.
Xander Cage: What is this place?
Gibbons: Looks like a diner.
Xander Cage: That's clever. You know, you almost had me going there for a while. I was a bit groggy before, then I started noticing things. Like, you got a stockbroker over here, all dressed up reading the Financial Times on a Sunday morning when the market's closed. Unlikely, but okay, I can go with that. I can even go with the stick-up man packing a cop-issue Beretta. But you want to know where you blew it?
[points at waitress]
Xander Cage: With her. My aunt was in the restaurant business all her life. There's no way in hell a career waitress comes to work in high heels. She'd have blisters the size of pancakes before lunch. And if she ain't real, then this whole thing ain't real. That's how I knew this bozo over here wouldn't get a shot off even if we waited till St. Patrick's Day.
[fires shotgun at wall]
Xander Cage: Because there's nothing but blanks in these guns. Oh, and no offense, but their performances were terrible.
Yelena: I want immunity from prosecution, asylum in the U.S., and citizenship.
Xander Cage: How bout a condo in South Beach and a rich boyfriend?
Yelena: Those I can get for myself.
Xander Cage: I wish I had a camera.
Xander Cage: 'Cause this is gonna be one hell of a trick.
Gibbons: I want you to meet some people and find out whatever you can about them.
Xander Cage: What kind of people?
Gibbons: Dirty. Dangerous. Tattooed. Uncivilized. Your kind of people.
Toby Lee Shavers: How long have you been with the agency?
Xander Cage: Two days.
Toby Lee Shavers: You're shitting me. No way. Man, that sucks.
Xander Cage: Yeah, it sucks, but it beats jail.
Toby Lee Shavers: No, it sucks because I spent six years in the basement of some windowless, NSA, gadget freak room, man. And I got a degree. I got a degree from MIT. Phi Beta Kappa, magna cum laude. And I bet they probably picked you up, what, pumping iron in San Quentin?
Xander Cage: You ever get punched in the face for talking too much?
Xander Cage: Look who it is. Frankenstein. Uncuff me so I can beat the shit out of you.
Gibbons: Relax, X, you just graduated at the head of your class.
Xander Cage: [to Yorgi] Yeah. Cars, boards, bikes. I like anything fast enough to do something stupid in.
[referring to Senator Dick]
Xander Cage: He also wants video games banned because he believes that they're destroying education... come on Dick, it's the only education we got.
Xander Cage: I like anything fast enough to do something stupid in.
[after a police SWAT team crashes in on his party]
Xander Cage: Okay, I'll turn down the music.
Toby Lee Shavers: I've always wanted to say this. Fire in the hole!
Xander Cage: I might throw in a few extra dollars and send you to charm school.
Xander Cage: Yo. What's your name, slick?
Ivan Podrov: My name is Ivan.
Xander Cage: Ivan? What's your name, buddy?
Ivan Pedgrag: [looks back at Xander] My name is Ivan.
Xander Cage: [looking confused] You're both Ivan?
Gibbons: So, what's it going to be, Triple X? You want to get on a plane, or is "Kiss my ass, Scarface" your final answer?
J.J.: So you need to go to Pago Pago or something. Get a couple of girls, do them all. I don't care. Go on vacation.
Xander Cage: It's Bora Bora, J.
Xander Cage: My kind of people would say, "Kiss my ass, Scarface."
Xander Cage: [after getting shot with a dart] It was only a Corvette!
[after Xander shoots Milan Sova]
Yorgi: Most people talk a lot, few are up for the moment. Welcome to Anarchy Ninety-nine.
[before entering Yorgi's club]
Milan Sova: Everyone in this club's got two things in common; they're filthy rich and they're criminals.
Xander Cage: I'll fit in perfect, except for the filthy rich part.
Xander Cage: [after El Jefe slaps Xander across the face] You slap me again, I'm going to throw you a beating.
[El Jefe slaps him again]
Xander Cage: Boy, I hope they're paying you extra for this.
El Jefe: [points machete in his face] You know what, funny guy? Maybe I'll cut off your nose first, huh? Funny guy.
Xander Cage: What's funny is, this actually smells like real blood.
El Jefe: I hope you like it, because it's the last thing you're going to smell.
Xander Cage: [after Yelena shoots Milan Sova and walks in with the Ivans] You wanna tell me what you're doing with the Ivan's?
Toby Lee Shavers: [showing Xander the darts to the revolver] Datura knockout darts. POW! Guy goes down for 12 hours, wakes up, doesn't know who the hell he is, and his head's splitting like a cord of firewood.
Xander Cage: I was shot twice with those.
Toby Lee Shavers: [explaining the darts to Xander] The red ones are tranquilizer and blood-splatter darts. All the appearence of a kill shot, but without the aftereffects. Like death.
Yelena: [photographing Yorgi's safe] You're not supposed to be in here.
Xander Cage: I was on the way to the bathroom. What's your excuse?
Yelena: [pulls a gun on him] I don't need an excuse.
Xander Cage: [grabs her arm with the gun and she pulls out a second gun] You're good.
[gets her other arm, making her defenseless]
Xander Cage: But not that good.
Xander Cage: [wakes up in cargo plane] You guys haven't been to any diners lately, huh?
Virg: Diner finalists.
El Jefe: Okay, funny guys. I'll show you what we do when funny guys get in our business.
Xander Cage: What? Hog-tie us and force us to listen to your bad accent?
El Jefe: No. Cut off their Achilles tendon and watch them flop around like a marionette. Unless you have something to tell me, something I need to know? Huh?
Xander Cage: Uh, okay. You're short.
[TJ and Virg start to laugh]
Xander Cage: And my friend over there says you could use a haircut to update your style. Get off me.
El Jefe: [kicks Virg] Shut up!
Xander Cage: Just two seconds ago, you told us to talk. Now it's "Shut up?" I mean, I don't mean to nit-pick, but you're the worst at this torture thing.
Henchman: [in Czech] He stole the chip, he's inside.
Yorgi: I see him.
Yorgi: Kirill! Time to work.
Milan Sova: My name is Milan Sova, Czech Secret Police. When you are here, you are under my jurisdiction. You take my orders, you do what I say. And if you become any kind of an inconvenience, I'll shoot you.
Xander Cage: That's great, is this were I'm staying?
Milan Sova: You are here because your government is putting pressure on my government. This is an internal affair, a Czech affair that you are interfering with. I will warning you once, don't shit in my lawn. Get whatever information your government seeks, and get out.
Xander Cage: Let's get this straight. You may not want me here, but I definitely don't want to be here. Two, I've never been under anyone's jurisdiction, and three, if you're gonna shoot anybody, shoot the monkey that sold you this suit.
Xander Cage: See that guy there? In the suit made out of motel drapes? That's a cop.
Xander Cage: Ya know, if you're gonna send someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is.
Gibbons: Oh by the way, you passed the test. The Gibbons Test.
Xander Cage: You gotta be kidding me.