Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen!
[laughs, then notices he isn't getting any laughs from his submarine crew]
Dr. Evil: No? Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub...
Dr. Evil: Are those sharks with laser beams attached to their heads?
Scott Evil: [nods]
Dr. Evil: Cool! You mean that I actually have frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?
Japanese Man 1: RUN! IT'S GODZILLA!
Japanese Man 2: It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws - it's not.
Japanese Man 1: STILL! WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!
Japanese Man 2: Though it isn't.
[Japanese Man 2 Winks at Camera; both scream and run away]
Fook Mi: [runs to Austin] Austin Powers! You're so great and so sexy!
Austin Powers: Thanks, baby! Now what's your name?
Fook Mi: Fook Mi!
Austin Powers: Can you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Fook Mi: No! Fook Mi! Like this!
[turns away so Austin can see Fook Mi written on her bag]
Austin Powers: Oh! Your name's Fook Mi!
Fook Mi: Would you like a drink?
[runs away to get drink]
Austin Powers: Actually I have a private bar...
[Fook Mi's twin sister, Fook Yu arrives]
Fook Yu: Here you go!
[gives him drink]
Austin Powers: [thinking she's Fook Mi] Fook Mi, that was fast!
Fook Yu: Fook Yu!
Austin Powers: Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
Foxxy Cleopatra: Tell me something I don't know.
Austin Powers: I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
Foxxy Cleopatra: Say what?
Austin Powers: That's something you don't know.
Austin Powers: [after he causes the Britney Spears fembot to explode] Oops. I did it again, baby.
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know.
Dr. Evil: [comes over to Goldmember] How 'bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard?
Mini-Me: [writes] Are you a clone of an angel?
Foxxy Cleopatra: Ohhh how sweet. No, my mini-man, I'm not.
Mini-Me: [writes] Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?
Foxxy Cleopatra: Yes I'm sure.
Mini-Me: [writes] Would you like to?
Fat Bastard: [looking at the toilet] What? I didn't have any corn!
Nigel Powers: [rubs throat] Ow...
Austin Powers: What's wrong with your neck?
Nigel Powers: I took a Viagra, got stuck in me throat, I've had a stiff neck for hours.
Austin Powers: [to a Japanese industrialist named Mr. Roboto] Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
[after being struck in the groin by a meteor prop]
Dr. Evil: Alright, let me find my balls, for God's sakes! 1, 2, and 3, okay. I'm okay.
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's fahza.
Dr. Evil: His what?
Number 2: His fahza, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: His farger? What's a farger?
Goldmember: His fahza. You know, the fahza.
Dr. Evil: You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
Goldmember: Fahza, his dad, dad is fahza.
Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. His *fa-ther*
Nigel Powers: So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?
Mini-Me: [Mini-Me nods unsure]
Nigel Powers: You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
Mini-Me: [Mini-Me unzips his pants]
Nigel Powers: My lord! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
Mini-Me: [Mini-Me nods, smiling]
Nigel Powers: All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
Goldmember: What? Take the fahza away! Dutch hater! And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is bad news bears,
[talks in a deep vioce]
Goldmember: Walter Matthau.
Austin Powers: [to Foxy Cleopatra] You may be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.
Foxxy Cleopatra: You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.
Austin Powers: Oh, I hope there's a search involved.
Nigel Powers: Easy peasy, lemon-squeasy. What, is this your first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes; You try to attack me, one at a time, and I knock you both out with a single punch. Ready? Go!
[Dr. Evil's henchmen do exactly as he predicted]
Nigel Powers: Judo chop. Judo chop.
Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
Henchman Sailor: [approaches warily]
Nigel Powers: Do you know who I am?
Henchman Sailor: [nods]
Nigel Powers: Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
Henchman Sailor: [nods again]
Nigel Powers: I mean, look at you. You don't even have a name tag. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down?
[henchman falls down]
Austin Powers: You know, Dr. Evil, I have always thought you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts.
[speaking to the camera]
Austin Powers: I thank you.
Austin Powers: Your spy car's a Mini?
Nigel Powers: It's not the size mate, it's how you use it.
Dr. Evil: I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl. Thank you.
Austin Powers: What do you know about my father's where... about... s?
Famous Dr. Evil: Hey Powers! You better watch your frickin' self because this is one doctor who does make house calls. Right Mini-Me?
[camera pans over to... ]
Famous Mini-Me: Hey assholes! I'm Mini-Me! Come and get me!
Austin Powers: Mole. Bloody mole. We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face. I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guacamole.
Goldmember: Dr. Evil, You look very toit. Yesh, toit like a toiger. Yesh Yesh Yesh.
Dr. Evil: You know, Goldmember? I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude. Yeah. A little creepy. Mmhmm.
Goldmember: [picking skin off his back] Oh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.
Dr. Evil: Alright, you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you?
Goldmember: [eats piece of skin]
Dr. Evil: You did. Okay, that's just gross.
[Mini-Me cringes and shakes head]
Goldmember: Yesh, shalty. Yesh, that was good.
Dr. Evil: Well, congratulations numb nuts... you've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack in the box. Get it off! Get it off! It's dark, it's dark!
Steven Spielberg: So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin Powers: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film maker in the history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very Shagadelic, baby, yeah.
Austin Powers: Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
Steven Spielberg: [holding an Oscar] Really? Well, my friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Austin Powers: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have mojo babe, yeah. Hit it.
Famous Goldmember: [as Goldmember in the film within a film, after being caught] Hey assholes. So do I have time for a last smoke and a pancake or what?
Austin Powers: Like I'd ever let Goldmember get away.
Foxxy Cleopatra: [entering shot] Austin? Goldmember's getting away.
Fat Bastard: You know what my favorite Helen Hunt movie is?
[twists his opponent's testicles]
Fat Bastard: TWISTER!
Austin Powers: Nice to mole you... meet you. Nice to meet you, Mole.
[to Foxxy as Basil & The Mole leave]
Austin Powers: Don't say mole.
Foxxy Cleopatra: Now stop.
Austin Powers: I said mole.
Foxxy Cleopatra: Stop.
[Basil gestures him to hush]
Number Three: Bye.
Austin Powers: Mole.
[Basil & the Mole try again to leave]
Austin Powers: Mole.
[Basil warns him again to hush]
Austin Powers: Mole.
Basil Exposition: Oh, shut up!
Austin Powers: [Basil and The Mole walk out and Austin lets loose] Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
Goldmember: Would you like a shmoke und a pancake?
Austin Powers: A what?
Goldmember: A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? Shigar und a waffle? No? Pipe und a crepe? No? Bong und a blintz? No? Well, then there ish no pleashing you.
Austin Powers: That's not right...
Goldmember: Look. My vinky was a key.
Nigel Powers: Only a bloody Dutchman...
Number 2: While you were in space, I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money, and still maintain the ethics and the business practices of an evil organization. I have turned us into talent agency; the Hollywood Talent Agency.
Austin Powers: You're insane, Goldmember.
Goldmember: And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it
Goldmember: KC and the Sunshine Band.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, can you continue with your plan?
Dr. Evil: Of course, Number 2, our plan is SCOTTY DON'T.
Scott Evil: Oh, come on, you're such a lame ass.
Scott Evil: [to Dr Evil] I hate you.
Scott Evil: I hate you.
Scott Evil: I don't even know you but I hate you too.
Scott Evil: And I ESPECIALLY hate you.
Scott Evil: You'll pay. YOU'LL ALL PAY!
[Scott runs away]
Dr. Evil: I'd just like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl.
Dr. Evil: Using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future. And the best part of this plan is... no one can stop me. Not even... Austin Powers.
[All laugh maliciously]
Austin Powers: Not so fast. You're surrounded, Doctor Evil.
Dr. Evil: Shit
Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
Dr. Evil: I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
Scott Evil: Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Dr. Evil: Perhaps later.
Number 2: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Dr. Evil: You do?
Frau Farbissina: Yah. It's a really good plan.
Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole Preparation H feels good.
[Scott resumes snickering]
Dr. Evil: What is it now?
Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole.
Austin Powers: Smashing, Basil. A pimp-mobile.
Basil Exposition: Yes, yes. I knew it would tickle *your* fancy.
Austin Powers: What can I say?
[Grabs dice on rear-view mirror]
Austin Powers: Cough!
[pretends to cough]
Austin Powers: You really are a fat bastard!
Fat Bastard: You know, that hurts my feelings! I tried going on a diet, you know. The Zone, you know, "Carbs are the enemy," eh?
Fat Bastard: [extension from deleted scene] But the portions were so wee I ate the delivery man.
Dr. Evil: Quid pro-quo, Mr. Powers.
Austin Powers: Yes, squid pro row.
Fat Bastard: I've been tryin' to go legit.
Austin Powers: Of course...
Fat Bastard: But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair will always be tragically skewed...
Austin Powers: Did you just soil yourself?
Fat Bastard: Maybe.
Fat Bastard: It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Ok, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! It smells like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!
Foxxy Cleopatra: [singing] He's got the Midas touch, but he touched it too much. Hey, Goldmember. Hey, Goldmember. He's got a golden pad, he's super bad. Hey, Goldmember. Hey, Goldmember.
Fat Bastard: [moans] This diaper's making my nuts rub together. It's gonna start a fire.
Dr. Evil: All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out. Everyone out. C'mon.
[Everyone starts to leave]
Dr. Evil: Not you, Scottie. Not you, Number 2. Not you, Frau. Not you, Goldmember. Not you, guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.
[Scott and Dr. Evil look at Mini Me]
Dr. Evil: Ohh, this is uncomfortable.
Goldmember: Heheheh, the tiny one can't take a hint, Heheheheh. He doesn't understand he's small.
Dixie Normous: Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous. I may be just a small-town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough... and sexy.
Famous Austin: Well, Miss Normous... shall we shag now, or shag later?
Dr. Evil: I don't know how to be no crib on MTV, God only knows, got my mini-me and the GP see how it goes. Evil's all that I see, you ask me my name? D to the rizzo, E to the vizzo, I to the lizzo. I'm a crazy motherfucker, y'all knew that. Austin caught me in the first act, it's all backwards, what's up with that? So I'll make a prophecy from the dogs to the mini-me. Gimme and Escalade, two way, bling-bling on eBay. DOMINO, motherfucker!
Fook Mi: Do we make you sleepy?
Austin Powers: Well, you make me many things but sleepy's not one of them.
Dr. Evil: [whispers] Is he sleeping? Then I guess Mini-Me doesn't want any...
Dr. Evil: [loudly] *chocolate*!
Ozzy Osbourne: Boobs!
Sharon Osbourne: Boobs, Ozzy?
Ozzy Osbourne: These filmmakers are just a bunch of fucking boobs.
Kelly Osbourne: What do you mean, Dad?
Ozzy Osbourne: I mean, they're using the same fucking jokes as they did in the last Austin Powers movie.
Sharon Osbourne: What fucking joke?
Jack Osbourne: You know, the fucking joke about the rocket that looks like some guy's...
General Clark: Johnson!
Foxxy Cleopatra: Hey. What's kickin', Basil?
Basil Exposition: A lot is kicking, Foxxy.
Young Dr. Evil: [deleted scene]
[Young Austin in standing naked behind Young Dr. Evil holding a book labeled "Balzac"]
Young Dr. Evil: Would it kill you to put on some clothes? Honestly it's like living with frickin Sasquatch.
Young Austin Powers: Hey, have you seen my Balzac?
Young Dr. Evil: I'm looking at your Balzac right now.
Dr. Evil: [cuts back to Dr. Evil in the cell] No,no. You got it all wrong, it wasn't Balzac.
Young Austin Powers: [cuts back to Young Austin Powers and Young Dr. Evil, this time, holding a book labeled "Dickens"] Have you seen my Dickens?
Young Dr. Evil: I'm looking at your Dickens right now.
Dr. Evil: [cuts back to Dr. Evil in the cell] No. It wasn't "Dickens" either.
Young Austin Powers: [cuts back to Young Austin Powers and Young Dr. Evil, this time holding a book labeled "Longfellow"] Have you seen my Longfellow?
Dr. Evil: I never knew my birth parents. There was a car accident. My birth mother was incinerated, and I only survived because her smoking carcass had formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence. A Belgian man and his fifteen year-old love slave were looting the accident scene, and came across a blood soaked baby, moi. They raised me to be evil. You know, that old chestnut.
Goldmember: [to Dr. Evil] You look like a Macho Man.
Goldmember: [in a deep voice] Village People.
Frau Farbissina: I have some news. It's your son. He wants to take over the family business!
Dr. Evil: [overjoyed] Scotty does?
Frau Farbissina: He's gotten so evil, he's even started losing his hair.
Dr. Evil: Lower the globe.
Frau Farbissina: LOWER THE GLOBE!
Dr. Evil: [Earth Globe lands on Dr. Evil's head and head goes through Globe] OW! Ow!
Dr. Evil: Well, Congratulations, Numb-Nuts! You've succeeded in turnin' me into a frickin' Jack-In-The-Box!Get it off. Get it off! It's Dark, it's dark!